Pornography in House

Just an after thought but most of the woman who replied gave you worst very worst case scenerio. Knowing that men are visual and usually associate no feelings with what they look at it seems a shame to end a five year relationship over pronography - it seems maybe there were other issues but I bet you regret this decision if you were dating a good man who had a job and was taking care of you and contributing to a loving healthy relationship.

Do you ever watch Dr. Phil???
Get out now especially if you have a child/children.
Tuesday's show is part 2 about a woman and her children affected by this.
S.

Good morning, dear heart- I am a retired special ed, teacher- mother of 3 grown childraen and part time (grand)mom to a 9 and a 3 year old. I lived through what you are - and have a couple of comments regarding your son-
(first - OH MY HEAVENS _ GOOD FOR YOU) -- A friend of mine had a funny/serious episode with her then 17 year old son and her ex-husband- Husb. had a key-chain which dad and son just laughed and laughed over -- it was a torso of a curvy woman - with a little text where her face might have gone that said '''perfect woman'' -- so she can't speak - she's just a body -- isn't that FUNNY??? -- Mom talked and talked to the boy ( her ex- was no issue - she knew where he stood - which was why he was ''ex''' ) - the boy absolutely refused to see what she meant -- so she showed him. She drew a male torso - with a wallet where the head would go - with money coming out - and a text on the ''chest''' - saying ''perfect man''
OH the boy did NOT think that was funny at ALLLLLL. Eventually - after a couple of hours of talking between them - off and on--- the boy reluctantly agreed that '''he could sort of see what she meant''' ( he is now an almost 40 happily married father of 3 and has turned out sensationally)

I do feel that your decision honors your son--- and who you have raised him to be - and who you yearn for him to be as an adult -. I am so proud of you - You get a huge star.

When you get tempted to ''give it another chance'' think carefully about what messsage that would send to a boy- teens look so adult and they need us to hold strong - since their world spins like a top -

Blessings
Old Mom
aka J.

I know this is a closed case but Christine's malicious and uncalled for response has made it impossible for me to remain silent.

It truly saddens me to see so many "liberal" women on here enabling their men's pornography addictions. "Boys will be boys," is not a satisfactory explanation for why your significant other would be looking at pornography on YOUR home computer. You obviously don't live together, why wouldn't he just do it at his own home? He couldn't stand to be without it for a few more minutes?

No matter what these women say, an addiction to pornography is neither healthy or normal. I hate to say it but I'm afraid they have simply convinced themselves that it's fine in order to hide the fact that they have settled for bad relationships.

Pornography is like alcoholism. Sure, some people can stick with fruity frozen cocktails and be happy their whole lives. But with most people it starts small. And then one day, they can no longer get a buzz from a couple of beers so they switch to something a little harder. Before long, even that takes too much time to kick in so on it goes until it's a contest to find the one thing that gets them wasted the quickest.

In the world of pornography, there are many levels. Nobody starts out in hardcore. It's usually something relatively innocent and "artistic" seeming. Then, once you're hooked, it takes more and more to get you turned on. Before long, you're into things that would have made you sick back when you started. And where do you go from there?

Men have desires, certainly...so do women. Heck, sometimes I have the desire to run an idiot driver off the road with my SUV or slash the tires on my neighbor's incredibly loud motorcycle that starts up at 5AM every day and wakes my kids. That doesn't mean we have the right to act like animals and give into every desire that comes to us. It's called self-control and your boyfriend clearly did not have it. It would be completely different if he demonstrated an ounce of remorse or a desire to cut it out of his life. Instead, he called his mommy in to tell you how "normal" it is. Pathetic.

You made the right call, A.. You followed your instincts and probably saved yourself and your children from future heartache. You are clearly a sensible woman and a good mother.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

________

Just one more "good for you!" I do not know whether you are Christian or not, but I also hope that you do consider saving yourself for marriage in the future--your future husband is worth waiting for (and so are you). Still, at least you know what you expect and need from a committed relationship and are sticking to your values. It shows that you have a certain level of respect for yourself and you are not willing to accept less from a man. Other women could learn from you!

I'm really rather surprised at the women who have come to accept this behavior from their men, and see nothing wrong with what they call, "just pictures." These are pictures of other women--REAL women. I do not see how that is any different from looking at naked real women in person. If you found your spouse sitting in your living room, "enjoying himself" while looking at several naked women lying on the floor and couch, you'd be upset, right? Even if he had not actually touched them?

He's looking, and imagining, and *enjoying himself* with another woman (or many!). Yeah, she's not there in the flesh, but he's still seeing and feeling everything he'd see and feel if she WAS there in the flesh. It's cheating, pure and simple. If you're okay with that, more power to you. Just don't be surprised when he expects you to start acting like the women in those pictures--or when he thinks it's perfectly okay to start looking at live women that way, too.

To assume that "every guy" does this (or even that most do) is naive and rather insulting to the many men out there who struggle with the temptations of this overly-sexual society we live in. Perhaps it's time for women to learn to have a little more respect for themselves--and to expect more from men in general.

--A.

Wow, I wasnt going to say anything but I am truly, truly amazed at the extreme level of judgement and conservatism of this forum. Both men and women have fantasies, regardless of if we indulge in them or not. Truly well adjusted people accept fantasy as just that and do not condemn a person or an entire relationship based on a person's imaginings. Nearly every single human being masturbates. Sexuality and self stimulation is a part of humanity as is fantasy and imagination. That you would end an otherwise happy five year relationship because your partner looks at pornography simply makes no sense to me.

My thoughts are: How would you all feel if the pictures were of your daughters???

I am so glad that you made a stand. WHy give the disease to the next generation. Just becasue his dad poisoned him doesn't make it right. Porn is so "harmelss" at first but like any other addiction once it gets a hold of you it controls and then quickly ruins your life. Please stay strong for yourself and your son.

A.,
I just woke up and saw this. OMG
My heart goes out to you and your precious son.
Wow. My heart is broken for you. What an awesome son you have raised. If he thought this was "Art" ain't no way he would have told his Mommy. Good Job raising #1 son.
I have been there and done that and my heart goes out to you and yours.
No matter what you decide, you know what is right, your Momma Bear instinct is letting you know and you sound way strong.
You go girl!
Just let my 15 year old go up to Alaska. He called and said "Gpa is dating a 26 year old German foreign exchange student and he is trying to pimp me out and get me to double date."
I said sweetheart please do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
He said "I don't want to hurt Gpa's feelings"
I said pretty sure you don't need to worry about that. Welcome to my world. How do you think I felt when my Dad was dating girls younger than I was when I was not much older than you.
Yes my Dad had a magazine collection.
People do what they do. They spend their $ and time on what is important to them.
My Dad is 70
People do not tend to change who they are much.
Keep yourself and son safe.
Blessings on you and yours.
L.

A.,
Regardless of the many opinions here about pornography and about the fact that you've called off your relationship over it, I have only to say this:
It doesn't really matter what anybody else thinks. You are the one in the relationship and whatever you feel comfortable or uncomfortable with is up to you. This is your life and your potential partnership. You should feel comfortable and safe with the person you choose. You don't have to be logical about it and you don't have to change how you feel.

Thank you for being a strong woman and setting a great example fot your son!!!
I'm sure it was a difficult decision to make, but often the best decisions are the toughest ones..
You should be proud that you stood up for what's right..
You deserve someone who is moral and respectful of you and your child(ren) in your home!
Hopefully you will inspire others in similar situations!

I am so proud of you. Thank you for taking this stand for yourself but especially for your son. You just changed his life, and his wife and children's life.

So so proud. I will not pretend to even think that this was not hard for you. Heartbroken is a strong word. You are wonderful and I am so so proud of you.

You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to stand on your own two feet and not be dependent! AND way to pave the RIGHT road for your son to go down! Well done good and faithful servant! Thats what you will hear on this issue from your creator! I applaud you and cheer you on and am totally encouraged by your stance! I wish more people would see the addiction for what it is and quit making excuses for the sin in it!!! Once again...YOU GO GIRL!

After reading all of the responses I was amazed at the idea that it's ok for an adult male to look and fantasize,but not a teenager. My son brought me up on the carpet on that one. I wanted to go see a movie rated PG-13. My son wanted to see it, too, but I said it wasn't good for a young child. He, very wisely, said "If it's not good for me then why is it good for you?". That surely applies here. If it's not ok for teenagers or younger, why is it good and ok for adults? Those who say that it's ok because pictures aren't real, all men do it (wrong), it's not like they will ever meet, and all the other rationalizations are fooling themselves. There has been enough in-depth research done to prove that pornography is the foundation of every other major crime ever committed. Pornography is dangerous to our whole society. If a man is "fantasizing" you can bet it's not just kissing, he is in bed with the woman he is fantasizing about. He's masturbating with her in mind, not his wife.
A., you did the right thing. If it's not good for your kids, it's not good, period. No rationalization, no fooling yourself. Let's cut the double standard and start thinking like adults with our heart and mind, not our crotches.
Good on you. Keep strong!

Good for YOU for being so strong and sticking to your beliefs and morals. SO many women would have just gone along with his explanations. This is hard - but you did the right thing.
E.

I wish someone would of told me this... RUN, RUN as fast as you can. There are alot of people out there and you DO NOT want this one!!!! Good luck! You can do it!

A., what you have discovered, unfortunately, through your son is that your significant other has lots of issues about women and pornography that are not going away anytime soon unless he seeks help and support for the problem. Society has led us to believe for far too long that this kind of stuff is just normal and not harmful, but it's not normal and it is harmful. The reasons men and many women justify that this is normal is because that's what is in every magazine and friends say it's okay. Most men have this problem of lusting and going forth to act out leading to other dangerous walks in life that shouldn't be taken. I'd suggest that you place filters on the pc and place the pc where it in a non-private setting, not in a bedroom or study where there is privacy. It's good that you have found this out now because living with a possible sexual addict and dealing with their problems is complicated if you don't find the right kind of guidance and help. There are many books out on the subject, but a couple in particular are from a series, one is called, Every Man's Battle(for the man) and the other is Every Heart Restored (for the spouse or girlfriend). The author is Stephen Arteburn and Fred Stoeker. Also, there is a program on 100.7 FM at noon M-F with Mr. Arteburn and Henry Cloud (psychologist and therapist) it is very informative on the subject. Hope this helps.

A.

I think you have made the correct decision. Pornography is highly additive. In fact, new studies reveal that in this day and age, not only do men become addicted but we have an unprecedented number of women admitting to addiction as well. Pornography changes the make up of the brain; it's very dangerous. Today's society has "normalized" pornography, just look at the way some companies advertise. Much of society has become desensitized to the danger.

Pornography ruins marriages, and denigrates woman and society.
God never intended a "third" party in the marriage bed.

If you are interested there is a book called "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stokes available at many bookstores. There's a workbook too. Although it is written for men and to help them recover, you will find it helpful to read.

You deserve a man who respects you and reserves his eyes, his thoughts and his body, only for you. That is the role model you want to give to your son.

Just read your "what happened." Good for you. There's a reason pornography destroys relationships, and it's because it is really a form of adultery. The Bible says that "he who looks at a woman with lust has committed adultery with her" - you don't have to be "hands on" to be committing unfaithfulness. This would have destroyed your marriage eventually, so it's definitely best to call things off now.

I wanted to give you a big hug. It sounds like you made a thoughtful decision and followed your gut. I think ou can learn to over look shoes always out in the middle of the room, but there are a few thingd that one just shouldn't make concessions on.

Came to this thread a little late and you've done what you have to do based on who you are and your own needs. But Wow, ladies, lighten up a little. Anything to extremes is bad. Years ago I knew a woman who nearly lost her kids and her marriage because she spent so much time praying that she neglected her kids - diapers unchanged, no food - it was bad. It's all about balance and perspective.

Sex is the driving force in life, might as well enjoy it and be open to expand your experience. Got to keep it private between consenting adults but a little instructional material never goes amiss. Good sex is about creating mood and fantasy is part of that, of course you have to be able to follow up with some skill or all the fantasy in the world won't do it. Men just tend to like their fantasy a bit more graphic. Women are misty images of Johnny Depp and Colin Firth, long slow kisses, fade to black. Men are Debbie Does Dallas. It's the difference between the hinting you can do with a girl friend and the hit him with a baseball bat it can take to get a man to understand that yes, you want him to put the dirty clothes in the hamper Everytime. They are men. Let them be men, quit trying to turn them into women.

I spent years in a relationship with a sexually disfunctional man, some of you might find that a relief - more power to you, you can have it(or more rightly the lack of it). But if you are a sexually responsive woman it can be... well,let's say frustrating. Go for your bliss but understand that your joy won't be found by repressing or changing someone else. You can decide that what they want isn't what you can live with and move on but unless they are truly out of balance in their behavior don't try to make them wrong. Your perception is just that, it's your perception, as long as they are not doing harm to anything but your personal sensiblities just move on and let it alone.
Good luck to you A., you've done what's best for you. A couple questions though. Just what are you "too embarassed" about? I don't understand that at all. Is this really about what you think others will think? Are you embarassed by other people's behavior? Do you think you are accountable for it? Why are You embarassed?

A.,

I commend you for taking a stand with your SO. It sounds like he's willing to make changes for YOU, but not because he believes pornorgraphy to be fundamentally wrong. Whenever we make changes for someone else, they rarely stick...which is why I believe you are feeling that lack of trust. I appreciated the man's perspective on this issue. As a woman, I know that our minds are wired differently. It helps to hear how pornography clouds our perception of a healthy relationship from someone who has had experience with it.

As for your son, mine is now 21. I have raised him to believe that pornography is wrong. As a Christian, it's easy to just say "it's a sin ... stay away from it". But that answer is very isolating and leaves a young man feeling alone when his peers might be talking about it, he's tempted to look at it, it's all around him and so accessible. You get the picture. So we've talked about how accessible it is for him. We've also talked about how normal it is for him to be tempted to look at it. And then we've talked about the ramifications for him if he does. I know that my son believes pornorgraphy to be a sin. I also know that he struggles with his sexual desires and is trying to live a life of integrity. Fortunately, he's felt comfortable enough to come to me for help when he feels that he's in over his head. I don't get a lot of details (nor do I want them) but as a mother, I feel his heart and know how to pray for him. Paul in the book of Romans says "I don't do what I want to do, I do that which I hate." Isn't that true for most of us? The key in that verse is the recognition of the need for change. Continue to keep an open relationship with your son. When the struggles come for him (and you know they will) he will know that you will always speak the truth and be his strongest advocate and protector.

J.

Hi A. - I haven't read all the responses, but it's definitely a hot button issue, which means it's IMPORTANT to discuss. You were wise to review all points of the spectrum, but your gut is your gut - not someone else's. The fact that your son felt comfortable enough to approach you on the subject, no matter what his intentions, shows you have taught & been an example of some level of morality to him. Way to go!

There is no doubt this won't be the first & only time he will encounter questionable material on the internet, or be tempted to check things out further. No matter who we raise our sons to be, they are in this crazy world & we can't be there every minute to control what they see & hear.

I didn't read all the responses, so maybe it's already been mentioned, but by calling out your significant other on something that you know IS potentially harmful (even if you don't know all the facts yet), shows your son that HE is more important than any relationship you may be having at the time, that HIS well-being is a top priority to you, as well as the safety of both of you. Do I think your S.O. is a jerk or someone who doesn't deserve love? Definitely not. But that doesn't mean you overlook what your gut, your moral compass is telling you. Look at the Facts before acting on your Feelings. The Fact is that he hid a significant part of his life from you - it's not like you've known this man a short time. 5 years is plenty of time for him to be honest & open about something that he says is "art" - if it's really that simple to him & his family, then what's the big deal? Why hide it? Why not want to include you in it? The Feelings part is that it makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to know all the reasons why or accept rationalizations that don't fill in all the gaps for you.

Don't want to make this too long - just want to shout out a "way to go!" for you, encourage you to support your son as you're doing so well, continue to instill in him the wisdom he will need to make good choices, to combat the multitude of vices in this world that will make every attempt to tear him down & destroy his life. A man's ways should be in full view of his God, his wife, his children, his co-workers - everyone - that's a FACT - it's called integrity & it rocks when you find someone who has it.

I'm proud of you for making a decision that would affect your son's life as well- your heart is broken and it will take time to heal- but comfort yourself in knowing that you made a decision to teach your son to respect women and their bodies.
Porn is not just a "little" problem as someone else said, it can escalate and hurt many other lives.

Good for you! Hang in there- the man you are meant to be with will come along when the time is right. When you are confident in yourself and know that you deserve someone who just needs YOU and nothing else.

Good for You. If more women had your level of integrity and honesty, more in touch with how objectification of any woman objectifies us all and invalidates the "special" intimacy we think we are sharing with another there would be less chaos and confusion in the world especially between men and women. You must have a wonderful relationship with your son to allow that level of openness. Valuable lessons for us all. Thank you.

Lana

Good for you! YOu have high standards! Porn can lead to a path of destruction..You are doing the right thing compared to what Rita said and what others may have said in favor. They obviously who have inferior morality. Stick to your guns and also what is best for your family. If a man is satisfied in his relationship then he doesn't need to turn to "art"! Good luck and I hope you find a God honoring man that is right for you.

I didn't have time to read all of the responses, but I just want to say stay strong for yourself and your son; you made the right choice. I recommend you read the book, "Every Man's Battle," by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. Then once you get through that, which is hard to stomach. I would get "Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle," and go through it with your son. It's a dark world that people do not want to face, it is easy to pretend it is not a problem, but go with your gut on this. You have a sick feeling about it for a reason. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

A.,
Thank heavens you found out now. Porn is an addition.
It ruins families & lives.
You don't want that filth in your relationship, home or children's possession.
God has a thing or two to say about that. Listen to your heart & he will lead you to a MAN who will be worthy of you.
Stick to your morals.
L.

I think bottom line,that if you feel uncomfortable with it,and don't think that trust can be rebuilt,then you have to listen to your intuition......
Everyone has different needs,wants,desires etc..in a relationship and they are ALL correct!
If your gut is telling you to step back and get out of a relationship where the foundation feels shaky,and it sounds like there were other issues as well,then you are right for honoring YOUR feelings!
Blessings to you and good luck,
K. S.
P.S.Make sure you have lots of support right now from friends and family!Don't isolate yourself!

Hi A.,
Wow, this topic sure did generate a lot of responses-I think I'm number 100! Women have a lot of feelings about the issue of pornography, including me. I'm very liberal, open-minded, and accepting. However, a few years ago I found a photo on our computer which my husband had looked at and I flew off the handle. We were going through a rough patch at the time. I cried and ranted and raved. He was very sweet, but I was HURT!!!
We have a 12 year old son. When you ask how you can explain this to your teenage son it occurs to me that you have a great opportunity to talk with him about your feelings about pornography. I understand that women and men are wired differently, but if they're going to live together they have to make compromises. Personally, pornography disgusts me and I feel it degrades women. I am sorry that you are heartbroken. You sound like a strong woman and a good mom. Perhaps your significant other needs to learn about being sensitive to a woman's feelings. Believe me, this was a very stressful situatin between me and my husband, but we worked it out.
Best wishes to you, whatever you decide.
D.

A., You are a smart, savvy woman. Stand tall. -K.

I just read your post - I agree with the one gal - RUN RUN RUN. I would also recommend a book called False Intimacy by Harry Schamburg. Bottom line - protect yourself and your family!

I applaud you! Pornography in a relationship is wrong and if he feels he cannot give it up for you then you have done the right thing by getting out of the relationship. I am against it and told my husband after putting up with it and trying to be ok with it but it was killing me inside that if he didn't stop that I wanted out of our marriage. I chose to put up with it because he made me feel like every man does it and all the other girlfriends and wives are ok with it and I believed it but I said NO More and he chose me. It took a while but I thank God everyday that he gave it up. It ruins marriages, don't let anyone tell you different. It's in the bible! Be strong and get closer to God! Always put him first! Only you can break the cycle and not allow these things in your household and around your child. Many blessings to you & yours! Stay strong there is someone else out there that will respect you and your son.

Somewhat sad to say, but good for you! Your comments about him (and men like him) just make me say "Ick, ick, ick." If some women accept this behavior and truly believe their mates wouldn't prefer the women they are ogling, then good for them. However, I think most of these trusting women are just deluding themselves. If his internet hunting/viewing makes you feel creepy, it's good that you go with your gut feelings and let the relationship go. I've had experience with this and the pain and sadness will eventually subside, especially when every time you think about it, it just makes you squirm. Plus, I'm sure your son isn't feeling too great about finding the images on the computer and having to tell you about it. It would be hard to imagine that your son would respect you for staying with such a guy...

I know the forum here is pretty much closed, but I wanted to recommend a Christian-based book called "Affair of the Mind". It is a very good book and is informational and is a must-read for any woman in a long-term relationship. Hang in there, God will bring you the right man. I am rather surprised that many people didn't answer your question on how to explain this to your son, but rather decided to take sides and bash your feelings on the issue. Besides, the women on here that have argued defense for your guy's behavior have obviously enabled the men in their lifes in this behavior and don't realize how destructive it is in a relationship. They may not see it in this moment, but years down the road they will look back on this time with regret when they aren't enjoying fulfilled relationships in 30-40 years. I hope that you are in a good Bible-based church that teaches right from wrong.

Hi A.,
I know you've had already many responses to your question. I think you made a wonderfully wise decision to end that relationship. Pornography is a debilitating problem in our society, and you have taken a great stand that will be a gift to both you and your son. When I remember that I am a daughter of God who loves me, and when I know that He does not want me or any of my family to be involved with pornography in any way, then it gives me the strength to stand up and say what pornography really is: filth. Way to go!
If you ever start to wonder about your decision, you can go to this website for encouragement: www.lds.org. Go to "Gospel Library," then "Gospel Topics," then "P," then "Pornography." You will find good information/resources about the addiction of pornography, why it is wrong, how to help those involved with pornography, etc.
Take care!

A.,
As others have said, you made very good decisions both to end the relationship and to discuss this issue with your son.
And if I read your request correctly...your ex's MOTHER justified his habit to you? Pu leeeez. You would have had more problems than pornography in your house!

As the bumper sticker says, "Pornography hurts women and children." period. Stand tall.
Amy S.

A.: I know people who have dealt with this all their married lives (I'm talking 18-20 years of it, and it has not been an easy or a happy marriage). It is a daily struggle for some. We all struggle with sin and our own issues. We are not to be judging others. However, you have a right to decide what to allow in your life and the life of your son. I think that unless he gets serious help/counseling it will always be an issue for him. It is a poor way to view women. Yes, men are very visual, but it doesn't have to be all about the visual. All mean are not into it as some women on here have stated. I think it is good that you respect yourself enough not to allow this to be in your home. Sin is sin, but sexual sin in the Bible talks about going against your own body. Do what is right - I agree with what many have said if there is nothing wrong with it why do people hide it???
Take care of yourself, and your son,
K.

I know you have gotten many responses by now, but to put in my two cents...The little bit that you wrote proves it is an addictive behavior. Anything right/good/wonderful is not hidden. If he thought it was right or okay he would have been sharing it with you. Five years is a long time, but look a little deeper, were there other areas like this with the same behavior? It is easier to make a list, so when you go to reach for the phone because you are lonely and want him back, take out that list and go over it. Good luck and know that no matter what you do it is right for you at the time, no matter what anyone says. This will be hard, but remember your son and stick to your guns. His life is way more precious and impressionable than your's right now. Many of us are behind you. Write to us when you need to vent or feel you are slipping. Good luck.

Dear A.,
My heart goes out to you, both for what you have gone through as well as the heartbreak of your 5 year relationship break up!
I just wanted ot say that you are doing the right thing by addressing this issue. Pornography is an insidious thing that, though your former significant other says it doesn't affect your relationship, what he is failing to see is that it is a total disrespect to who you are to him.
In other words, it's totally lust of someone else's flesh whereas your intimate life should be about love between the two of you only!
Though it's hard to move on, you are giving yourself a gift by not allowing 'the other woman of pornography' to have a place in your relationship with the one you choose to love!
Blessings!
J. F.

Hello A., As someone who has been in a marriage with someone who struggled, it is all about how they respond to your concerns. Yes, every guy has problems, but the level of problems varies considerably. A man CAN control his addiction, but he will need help. It is a selfish addiction, and if it destroys his relationships because he refuses to quit, he cannot be trusted. It is an addiction and may take some therapy or counseling to work through. If he is working on it, and can treat you respectfully (not give you a guilt trip about disliking it), than maybe it is worth working on the relationship. If this is one of many other issues you are "putting up with", than you can do better. Respect goes both ways, and women will give and give until it hurts, but this issue is destructive to families. My friend just lost his family from an addiction that turned into cheating multiple times. Pornography is a progessive habit, you always want more. God bless you honey and may He give you wisdom to know what to do. Only trust someone who EARNS your trust. I'm sorry only goes so far. I'm sorry every other week is not trying, it's "I'm sorry I got caught again.

You sound like a very strong person and wonderful parent. Good for you and your decision. I believe you did the right thing. The dividends will be great down the road.

Good for you A.! Your heart will heal. Keep strong! Porn is an awful, terrible thing. It never just stops, Porn starts with Magazines, to videos, to always something bigger, it never stops! Why do you think men THEN go to strip clubs, and eventually cheat on their wives. Its like a drug, it gets worse before better. And your poor son, does not need this kind of man in his life. Porn is just Morally wrong, to the woman in the pictures to just looking at it. I hate that saying..."The woman choose to do it!" Who chooses to be used? If there was no market for this, those woman would be doing something better with their lives. Good luck. I hope this opens womans eyes. Pornagraphy translated means.."Devil pictures," enough said.

A.....
GREAT for YOU! I am so proud of you for standing up for you you are. PORNOGRAPHY is abolutely degrading to women PERIOD! And it only leads to more mess in your life. I have seen it happen time and time again. The women who tolerate it and make excuses for their husbands/boyfriend's 'art' simply don't have a good self-image and don't realize WHO they are! The issues from your boyfriend/fiancee' stem from when he was a child...not because he picked up "art" as he got older. Any man left to himself regarding these issues will wallow in it....and eventually it leads to more and more self gratification/pleasure! The high can't be met at the same level...its a drug! I am soooo proud of you...and this is how your show your young son what is right and how to be a MAN...someone WORTH your commitment! NEVER settle for less and NEVER let a man dictate your morales and standards. Perhaps if you had a daughter, he'd love to let her express her 'art' in such a fashion as well. PATHETIC! Anyway, I have four sons and I thank GOD that my husband leads our family with morales and standards that don't cater to the mess of this world....and thier future wives never have to feel like another woman is more important than they are....or gets more time with their husband....none of that is to be shared! period!!! Kudos to you.....
God BLESS YOU!

To all of the ladies - let's really be strong women and respect one another's oppinions. If I were in A.'s shoes, I would not have done the same thing, but I applaud her for standing by her convictions. Some women could never live with a man who smokes or drinks and others have no problem with an 'open marriage.' But to each her own.
A. - I would question that if you really believe that this is an addiction (which for some people it definately is), would you have ended the relationship if it were drinking or gambling? He offered to quit; it sounds like this guy would do anything for you. Maybe you could give him a chance. If he is unable to give it up for good, you could suggest an addicts meeting. If he refuses, then perhaps he is truly addicted and beyond help.

I'm just so proud of you. I know this is a painful time. I haven't read the other responses, so I don't know if people are agreeing with your decision or not, but I think you've been so wise. I want you to feel encouraged and supported for making this very difficult choice that most would not have the discernment or courage to make.

Explain to your significant other how much it hurts you and that you don't appreciate the role model that he is being. Also let him know it isn't allowed in your house.
If that doesn't work, resort to 'what if that was your daughter' would you want someone else looking at your daughter that way?
This is something that I did...I was on the phone with my hubby when I confronted him about the issue and I was looking at some of the pictures that he was looking at, and I said "Wow! look at the size of his d...!" My hubby hung up on me and I haven't had a problem since.

A.,

I had the same problem a few years ago before my ex and I divorced. I have a pre-teen (now a pre-teen but then he was 8 and didn't use the computer at all) and I cannot imagine how I would handle it if my son, who is constantly on the computer now, saw that kind of thing nowadays.

This "art" viewing is definitely a problem, especially if your significant other is "overindulging". Just like anything else (over eating, over spending, obsessing over cleaning, over drinking, etc.) overindulging is a problem that often needs the help of a professional.

I have to add that this significant other knew you had a child when he/she came into the relationship and thus inadvertently agreed to act as a "parent figure." It seems as if this person is not respecting your parental constraints and not respecting you as a person. I think that by allowing this person to disrespect your values will absolutely be seen by your son and will give him reason to disrespect your values in the future as well.

But of course, this is just my personal opinion and you will ultimately have to decide what is best for you and your son. This person is responsible for his/her own actions and will have to answer for themselves. You only have to look out for you and your son.

Good luck,
Miss B.

Oh, give me a break, Marda. I seriously doubt this guy was looking at Renaissance Art.

Looking at pornography for its "artistic" value is like drinking Whiskey for its flavor.

I'm glad that you had the courage to speak on this issue, and rightly so. I can't tell you how many relationships and marriages I know of that the internet has destroyed or is destroying. I know a woman whose husband is faithful to her physically so far, but not in his internet exploits and she is distraught.It is addictive and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves, theres too much evidence to the contrary. Sexual pleasures are THE most addictive next to eating. It is human for us to love and crave that pleasure, I don't know why some people are saying its harmless, it only escalates, because eventually pictures or his "art" alone, will not suffice. This is not a guess, this is experience. And by the way, his mother's response was just unnerving. Good for you, I wish you and your son well.

let me get this right. i am assuming until this point you had a great relationship? and your allowing something like THIS to end it? first off, since when does sexuality have anything to do with religion? unless your a monk, preist, or a nun where you take a CELIBACY OATH? or.. on a different note: your part of some crazy religous movement and live in a commune where everyone has sex witht he main guy? or... your part of the mormon group who had all the kids removed recently (who were given back as well) And what is it with all the 'christian' responces? arent Crhistians SUPPOSED to be forgiving like Christ was? didnt Christ embrase those that were 'sinners' rather than TURN THIER BACKS on sinners??? and who are they to condemn anyway? all these comments 'good for you being a strong christian woman.. etc... ' what kind of cr*p is that??? if you are in a relationship for that length of time and this person has been good to you and you to him isnt it WORTH working out? as for your son what are you teaching him? that it is OK to be ashamed of his body? and ashamed of sexuality? humans are sexual beings and yes, there is a difference between addcition and sexuality. can you truely say he was hiding it from you? is he willing to share it with you? and why can you NOT use any of that to make your sex life more exciting? are you so low on self esteem that you would really find this sort of thing a 'threat' to how he values you? if he is not willing to be honest about it and forthcomming after all this.. then yes.. there is a problem. if he IS willing to share it and be honest about it.. then whats the problem? when you talk to your girlfreinds arent there things you talk about that you DONT want him to know? are you willing to have him in the bathroom when you are changing your kotex?

and yes.. i have been in the same situation.. and it ENHANCED the relationship becuase i was willing to have an open mind to imagination.

I wanted to respond to this yesterday but after reading all the HARSH responses-I chickened out...But I cam e back this morning and saw even more people respnded and I have to say...HATS OFF AND TAKE A BOW TO MARDA!!! Well said! She gave the perfect response! No one knows your whole situation A.-and you have to go with your heart-only YOU know your situation and not let others tell you what you have to do! I was shocked at some of the "orders" given to you! I`ll just leave it at that.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!
K.

i just read your "so what happened" and i want to tell you that i think you made the best choice. i'm so sorry you had do have your heart broken (again?), but it's better than years of repeated heartbreak over something that is not ok with you. good for you for having that talk with him instead of being silent and hoping he'll change.

A.,
Good for you! You have done the right thing. That's not acceptable and you shouldn't lower your stantards just to keep a boyfriend around. For all those women out there who say it's ok and normal....I feel sorry for you that you don't demand more respect from your significant other. Raise your standards, and put yourself on higher ground, and maybe you'll attract someone who wants YOU to turn them on...not a phony picture.

I wouldn't feel comfortable either.

I am proud of you! You are setting an awesome example for your teenage son. Porn is dangerous- no gray area at all. You are showing respect for yourself and your family by having no tolerance for it.

Hi A.,

I just wanted to say that you did the right thing ending this relationship. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. It totally demeans your relationship and it is heartbreaking. I'm shocked that his mother would find it okay for her husband and son to engage in that sort of activity. Anyway good luck. I hope all goes well for you.

A. P.

Great for you! You deserve to be in a relationship where you and he can both be yourselves, trust each other, comfort each other and build each other up. It certainly didn't seem like that was the case. I'm so glad to read that you really "get" that it was a losing situation for you.

dO YOU LIVE IN HOUSTON? iF SO, 2ND bAPTIST OFFERS PROGRAMS FOR BOTH YOU AND HIM. I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THIS PROBLEM. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND KEEP ON KEEEPING ON. GOD BLESS! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD (REN).

This is sooooooo common. That does not make it right. We live in a tolerant world.

Your S.O. probably doesn't think it's wrong b/c of the way he was raised, but he knew you wouldn't approve and it IS dangerous.

I'm sorry so many people have to deal with this.

good job.. every situation is different. ALWAYS trust your gut.

A. you don't have nothing to be shame of .you are a good person u r not responsible for other peoples actions nor can you reraise someone or change them you have to be strong if you know it's not right never play into wrong .always put you and your baby first after god if you aint got no good feeling about it don't do it be bless i don't give a dam about that pono stuff nor nothing else freaky 5 yrs. Is a while but you have a lifetime with your child.be bless and go with god

I just wanted to say, I think you did the right thing. Pornography is an addiction. It will grow and consume the viewer's life. Be sure your son doesn't get sucked into it now. It doesn't seem likely, I know, but it is such a pernicious thing! Be sure the computer is in a room where everyone passes through often. Watch to see what he has on the screen. And , once again, I commend you for your decision.

I am proud that you have stood up and made a statement. It means a lot to not only your son but for you. you have set some boundries. What is so wonderful is that you were able to find this out now. It would have corrupted your home. I do believe once something comes out as this weather it be drinking ,cheating what ever... that very seldom is the person very open to share the whole story. you are right to think their is more... I also agree with some of the others.. the honesty, trust and respect issue is the most emportant issue in a relationship if you do not have this you have nothing. You have done the right thing. yes you may have some anger but that is a part of going through healing . you will go through diff. phases.. Keep strong and your head up.
God bless you. the Right man will come along.

Sounds like putting your relationship on hold is good. I am glad your son told you about it. I hope he knows how upset you are, so that he knows how wrong that is!

Hi A.,

I am so sorry to read about your situation. That would be difficult to have to deal with. Thankfully, this has not been an issue for me, and I can understand why you would be hurt and upset. I would be also.

There is a book that you can read that helps you to understand why some men feel like they "need" or "want" to look at it, and lots of ways that you can help to encourage your mate. The book is called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. I suggest that you read it. It also has a really great book for women called Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. Both of these books are awesome and have helped me to understand myself and my husband much better. I hope it gets better for you!

I would have a talk with your signifigant other, and then have him help you talk to your son about what he was doing, how wrong it is, and how your son shouldn't do it. Since he's living with you what he does will play a big part in how your son thinks about things, and what he does. As far as your significant other you might want to explain to him how you feel about him looking at those pictures and why. About a 1 1/2 after my husband and I were dating I acidentally found those kind of pictures on his computer so I told him that it was very insulting to see that he was looking at that kind of stuff, and that it made me feel like he didn't find me atractive enough if he had to look at that when he had me to look at. After that he got rid of all of them, and never did anything like that again.

There is a couple that I know who went through this. The wife is a friend of mine and could not share this with too many people. Her husband had been secretly doing this before they were married, and thought he could control it after he married. He could not and it continued until one day he acted out! What seemed to be a small habit became a powerful addiction and led to actually seeking out other women. When his wife found out, and he couldn't lie anymore, he broke down and told her it all began with the pornography that he thought he could control. It practically broke up their marriage. They did separate for a while. They went through years of pain because he could not break this cycle. She was so hurt. There are many books on this. It is not love, but lust. He loved his wife, but lust had control of him. He was under the power of this thing, but she didn't want to leave him. His acting out had a different power over him than having normal relations with his wife. They weren't really active after this anyway, she was afraid she might contract some disease. He would go with prostitutes. She believed that he could be delivered by God. After a couple of years, he did finally seek God for help and was miraculously delivered! This is probably rare that a wife would stay, but it is a wonderful testimony of the power of God. He is not doing this anymore and had to regain her trust. He is totally changed by God and gives his life to the word of God and I know he will eventually help others that are going through this. Thank God he spared him of aids or anything worse. I said all this to say, it has a POWER that many don't realize. It is an addiction! When you try to let go, it will grip you tighter. Thank God you are not staying in the relationship. It has the potential to get worse if he does not get help. It seems that it is already controlling him. Many are caught in this trap and don't know it. Others are headed down this path and don't realize it. You think you control it, until you realize it controls you. There is help and hope when you face the facts.
Prayerfully,
D

A., You go Girlfriend. Trust yourself -- what you arecomfortable with and then the next best thing in your life -- your son .. how it is going to impact him. It does not matter what anyone says -- each one of us have a different tolerance for different things .. so if it does not go with you, that's perfectly OK. There are people, who would be OK with the group sex -- there are people who would sleep with spouse's friends, relatives .. WE even told Bill Clinton -- it is OK to have an affair -- we will choose you again as a President ..But I know what I can live with -- No Smoking, drugs, but many others learn to live with their spouses as smokers. Do the right thing for you -- you kow in your heart. Personally for me .. if someone has been doing that behind my back -- I am sure he knows how you feel about it in 5 years and never came out and explained until you confronted him -- GUILTY. Take Care and be strong for yourself and your son.

If for no other reason, stay away from him for your son. He doesn't need this trash & incredibly poor example of what a man should behave like in his life. And you deserve a "real" man. Good for you for getting him out of your life! You find yourself a good one next time. Thay are out there!

Glad to hear you called it off! You don't want to mess with that with your 15 year old boy at home. My ex was into that stuff and it was a deal breaker. The fact that he was hiding it let me know he wasn't trustworthy or honest. Who wants that when you look at it from the outside? It's hard when you're in a relationship, but looking as an outsider, it's more clear. I'm sure he'll keep justifying. I had the mother-in-law calling me too with the justifying. That's just the way that family was, not mine, and I am worth more. You are too! Needless to say, many "untruths" came out, and they became more obvious once I stepped away.

you said: <<Also, before we dated he was actively chatting and accepting raunchy pictures from sluts over the net>>

it wasn't new when you met him. now you know not to accept anybody that has that characteristic before you date. it's good information to know.

i personally couldn't handle it. same as you. i'm a christian, and that just doesn't fit. but, there are christian men out there (MEN, not guys - it takes a bigger person to be a MAN than just a guy), so hold out for a christian MAN to be your husband.

your son deserves a better person than this guy is. do it for yourself, and your son will benefit.

hugs to you for being STRONG, woman! :)
jude

great decision, A.. it takes strength, and I agree with you.

girl, I don't know where I was when you originally posted, but proud of you. I don't know if anyone said it but it is wrong and will lead you down a wrong path. One thing for sure if you need a leg to stand on for a later argument is that it has no respect for women. The women who do this for money are not just help degrade what women actually are. God never designed us the way we are to be a meat market. He designed us as he did man to compliment one another he designed sex so we can go with only our husbands and enjoy each other and have an intimacy with just each other that way we have a unique relationship with one person because we have lots of different relationships with others this was to make it special. Port is just garbage to the brain. Its like whatever you put yourself around is what desincetizes your mind. So keep yourselves pure yes even our minds then you'll know how to fully enjoy each other how God intented. Good job your setting a good example for your son in which some young lady will thankyou for oneday.

So I just read part of your response to everyone. I just had to say that I used to date a guy who would download A LOT of pictures and videos online. Then he would be ashamed or get rid of them for me and say he'd never do it again. HAH. That happened at least 3 times that I can remember. Don't trust that they'll ever really go away.

It's good to follow your instincts. In this case you are probably right on! Five years is a long time to be with someone. I hope you are doing ok since the break up.