Disturbing Realizations About Our Sex Life

If he's not looking at anything really deviant (e.g. children) and it's not interfering with life in general, don't worry about it. Straight guys like to look at naked chicks. That's all.

I know several men who have gone severely downward with their pornography. They started out just looking at a couple of websites and their appetite grew to where they needed more stimulation and more time on the computer. Over time - they started acting on their appetites for more - going to strip clubs, going to prostetutes. The trend I have seen in several friends is that it IS an appetite that grows and the men find ways to satiate it that are definitely not in line with what a marriage should be. Nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand. GOOD LUCK@|!!

I don't know. I think you may want to find a good therapist/counselor to talk about these things...

I agree with Jodie, I feel sad that almost every response says that this is okay. I feel that it is dangerous to believe that "well, it's okay as long as he's only looking at this or that, and not this other stuff." Pornography is addictive, much more so than many addictive substances and someone who views it quickly becomes overstimulated, wanting something that gives more and more of a rush, and there is always spillover into that person's actual sexual life. Just because someone is looking only once in awhile and not for hours a day does not mean that that person is not addicted! That is a fallacy. Even though I agree that generally men do not correlate pornography with their spouse, they can't help but be affected by it in their intimate life with their spouse. Pornography is all about lust, and it destroys our ability to truly love those who we are closest to. Regardless of what some may think or believe, pornography destroys healthy relationships, marriages, and families. I've seen it too many times among many who are dear to me. And despite what many believe about all men doing this, that is just not true. Not all men view pornography and not all men masturbate. Pornography creates a false world and idea of what sex is and what women are - women and men are objectified and sex becomes skewed and twisted. Intimate relations are a beautiful, sacred thing, and pornography degrades intimacy between a man and a woman, leaving out any emotional connection whatsoever, which is the one thing that can make sexual intimacy truly amazing.

You feel betrayed because it is a betrayal. I'm not sure if you're Christian, but it definitely talks in the New Testament about how even a lustful look is adultery. It would seem that the most loving thing to do for both of you (and your daughter, since your strong marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give her) is to confront him lovingly about it, and find some resources that you two can consult together, including a counselor of some kind (a priest/pastor will not cost money, if that's an issue).

If he's defensive, it's probably because he's ashamed, which is, at its heart, a good thing. Keep loving him and praying for him, but do set boundaries and expectations.

<<hug>> Be strong and patient!
T.

If you get defensive about this it will esculate into a major battle and then he will hide it from you, creating a vicious cycle of distrust.
I suggest that you sit down with him and explain that it is about respect. There are three things that keep a relationship healthy and happy...friendship, trust and respect. He has trod on two of those and it has put you into a tailspin. You are a modest woman and are offended that he would find other naked women attractive. IF he respects you he will stop. He will remove the smut off his computer and spend more time with you to satisfy his sexual needs.
Now. For you. Be willing to discuss ways to spice up your sex life. Make TIME for him! I know being a mom is tiring and all consuming! But you need to set time aside for him. Put the babies to bed no later than 8pm and give him your full attention. Put on soft music, take a shower, put on something slinky...you get the idea? Create a mode where he won't WANT to look at other women!
Talk to him, don't yell or be defensive. He should be your best friend, treat him like one. Sometimes we forget that fact when we get married. If he cares for you like HIS best friend he will listen and adjust. And please...don't hold this over his head forever, get through it, get over it and move on.
Good luck. *HUG*

I went through this a couple of years ago with my DH. I was so hurt! I could not talk to anyone!! I was embarrassed as well!! Well, I confronted him. I told him that if he did it again he was gone. I was that serious about it!! I felt as if it was cheating. Oh I am sure some will say "boys will be boys". Well that's fine but not MY man!! I did give him the silent treatment for awhile and didn't even want him to touch me. It took awhile to get past it. Then this past xmas I was looking for a picture and all of these horrible images shot up on the screen! My older kids were in the room! I just gasped and turned off the monitor. Thank God no one saw it but me!! Well he swore it was from before. I do believe him because I put a recording device on this computer so I know everything him, and my kids, do on the computer!! Good luck and I really hope he stops for your sake!! Thank God mine did!!!
PS. Wow I just some responses and I have to say how sick it is that women are ok with this?! Can't imagine why this world is getting so awful. Where are our morals people??!!! SICK!

"It matters not where a man gets his appetite, as long as he comes home for dinner"

I am not laughing at you... but... I just went through the same thing... I told him everything you just wrote... and my husband said...it isnt like that at all - he was just going to famous people naked or something rediculous! And of course I took it personal - so I went a bought some dorky really off the wall sleep wear (and a tad bit sexy) - we laughed and I said I probably blew it out of proportion...but it still hurts - and none the less our 10 month sleeps with us so getting the "sex" in can be fun. Not that this helped but just some thoughts...
Good luck!!

Hello there,
I'd like to respond to your request. First off I'd like to say that you have every right to be upset. Would he appreciate you looking at other men? Heck no! And I do not believe it is normal in our world today. That is what society wants you to think. Look at how it makes you feel. If it makes you feel bad then how could it be ok? It decays the marraige and then the family. Don't get me wrong, we all see attractive people out and about in the world but to lust after them is WRONG! Stop trying to make excuses for his behavior and accept the fact that he has been disrespectful to you and he needs to stop. Tell him you will not put up with it. I assume that he has done this in secrecy. If so then he knows darn well that it is wrong! Don't kid yourself into thinking that you will one day be ok with all this. It will gnaw at you always. Maybe you should go to counseling together and get to the bottom of this. If he loves you and his family he will go. There are millions of good men that respect their wives and themselves and make a commitment to keep themselves away from that kind of GARBAGE! Be strong, stand your ground. What advice would you give your daughter if this were her husband.It is only accepted if you allow it. Your reaction is right. It is wrong! How can you teach your daughter to be strong if you can't do the same. I'm not saying you are not but, I'm saying that now is the time to stand up for yourself and the family you made. I wish you luck and hope that you will be able to resolve this issue. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel. And don't ever let anyone try to make you think that is normal and ok. We both know it is not. Hold on to your morals.

About me: Married 16 yrs-4 kids /at home mom

I am saddened by so many of the responses you've received. I want to encourage you.......although pornography has become ACCEPTED as a "norm" in society today, it is NOT acceptable behavior or behavior that should be justified. It is true, as we all know, that men are much more visual than women. However, like anything else, it is a self-control issue on your husband's part. DO NOT SETTLE WITH THIS BEING THE "NORM." This is not about you......it is about your husband. It is not right. Please do not give up on helping your husband kick this habit. The fact that he knows that you feel the way you do, yet continues to do it would show me that it is an addiction. If it was not, he could stop at anytime. Please, please, please do not settle for this being a normal thing that you have to learn to live with. Pray for your husband. Seek godly counsel at your church. Trust me when I tell you that there are many men that do not view pornography.......not because it does not appeal to them, but because they know it is not right, it is not acceptable, and when they get the urge or temptation to view it, THEY WALK AWAY.

It's perfectly normal. If it weren't, then he'd be hiding it from you.

JS,
Your letter took great courage to write, stop and give yourseelf credit for that. Draw on that same courage when you define the terms of your relationship. I heard an apologetic undertone to your letter, which will only undermine your own self esteem. You are entitled to know who you are and draw your own lines. I appreciate your beeing cautious about making decisions based on feelings, we all should be. But this is not the cas here. Your truth is: this behavior undermines your ability to fully trust your partner and be emotionally intimate. If there is anything threatening the stability of your family, you must address it and quickly. Talk to him! Help him to understand the effects and consequences his behavior is having on you and consequently his home and family. Ask him if he is willing to protect and lead his family. Don't give up. Seek additional help if you need to. You would do anything to protect your child and family, do it for you too. And if you need to hear it: "You are fully within your right to accept your feelings on this one". Don't give up.
L.

Don't worry about offending anone who reads your message. After the second sentence they have the choice to read or not to read. I also think there is something "deranged" about a man that watches that stuff but if he only does it occasionally, he may be searching to be able to accomodate YOU more. I didn't use to feel this way, age and watching a LOT of Montel, Oprah,etc, I've learned that some of the population just dabble in it and some of course are sickos! Your husband is NOT! Let him know you feel your body can't compare to those girls and makes you feel unloved. It takes the tenderness and love out of once was beautiful for you! He may stop. Good luck honey.

Dear J.S.,

You are right that looking at pornography on the internet has become a huge problem today. As a social worker (currently not working as I stay home with my kids) this type of behavior is usually thought of as an addiction, like alcohol, gambling, and is treated in counseling as such. There are support groups, 12 step programs out there if he is willing to get help. Do you guys attend church? As a christian, finding support from church can be a huge help. There is a website Triple XXX church which is designed to help people going through what your partner is going through. Finally, let him know how his behavior has made you feel. Ultimately, it is a betrayl and all of your feelings are validated.

Sincerely,

V. M.

I think it is a "normal" thing for men to enjoy visual stimulation of women...as long as it is "in check" and not often. I think what you're most upset about it that he was hiding this from you. My husband will enjoy it on his computer with me "aiding" him. I've never felt like I was being compared or in any way betrayed by this fantasy...But I think it's because he's not weird about it and understands it's just for an arousal and "something different to view" that's NOT interferring with our marriage. If he surfed sites often and was doing it behind closed doors, then I might feel the way you do. I think being open and honest and understanding on both parts will help you two to enjoy this alternative pleasure that's both healthy and not inviting a real person into your lives. I hope you can understand that your feelings of you taking this personally is really not what it's about for a man. We're just hard-wired so differently and you need to be flexible in your understanding and possibly involvement and he needs to understand what you need to feel loved and secure. Feel confident. I'm sure you are a sexy woman who he adores and you need to know that those "cyber-gals" that he's looking at is strictly a visual pleasure. I hope this helps you.

I think it is totally normal - almost all guys look. It is just in their nature. I use to live with a guy friend and he looked - he had the playboys - Maxim magazines. My husband looks too. Heck I remember as a little girl looking thru my grandpas Playboy collection. Porn has been in mens lives forever and if he occasionally looks it shouild not hurt you. I get jealous that I cannot look like those women - but I know my man loves me and is not looking to stray. Heck everyone has fantasies. I would not be concerned at all. Just talk about it with him and I am sure you will see an embarressed smirk on his face - it is just what guys do.

I think your husband is right, this is not in any way about you. Lots of people both male and female have sex fantasies that are not related to reality or not something they would like to play out with anyone they loved. men and women also have different approaches to sex with women being more relational and less likely to be excited by the anonymous, where men are often turned on by something new - anything new. This is somewhat of a generalization as there are some women that are excited by anonymous, new etc. We all probably have had some thoughts, dreams etc that we wouldn't necessarily want to share. But clearly this bothers you and so you should talk openly to your husband about it. It definitely doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Julia,

I think it's normal. I don't know a single man who hasn't at least been slightly interested. If it bothers you, than you need to talk to him, Heck, you might even incorporate somethings into your own sex life with your husband. Another thing, as long as what you found is not vile, than I think this is fine.

Hi JS,

I’m sorry to hear about the difficult time you’re having.

I'm a practicing psychotherapist and I’m working toward my masters degree in human sexuality.

Please know that you are not alone. Many women find themselves in the situation you describe and a great number of them have a strong reaction as you did.

That said, the vast majority of men masturbate and a great number of those men look at explicit sexual material. A person’s masturbation patterns typically do not have anything to do with their sexual partner. Happily partnered people in very satisfying committed sexual relationships masturbate; such activity does not imply anything about the relationship with their partner.

It is highly unlikely that your partner is comparing you those women. As women we commonly make such comparisons, but men do not. Because it feels so natural for us to do so, this may be hard for you to believe, but this is one of those ways that men and women typically differ.

You say that “he’s the first person in my life that has ever helped me to feel worthy of love and affection”—what a wonderful gift! Please don’t let your discovery take that gift away from you.

Yes, this is normal behavior. No, you should not be concerned.

From what you wrote it is clear that you have discussed this with your partner—that’s great. You may want to make a request about when and where he engages in this activity so that you are not overly confronted with it.

Good luck and take care,

J.

perhaps you and your mate should discuss what each of you think as cheating. Personally- as long as my mate is not trying to get in touch, pay for it on line or anywhere I really dont care. I prefer not to hear or see about it but you could also use this as a postitive. ask him what he likes.. what interests him- perhaps even share it with him but never give up your morals and values. set boundries ahead of time. there is a difference between fantasizing and making it reality. men are visual woman are auditory. many of us woman are insecure. this certainly doesnt help it. I am sure he didnt mean anything by it. build your esteem. When I met my boyfriend (Now hubby) I was so insecure in everything, my body, what I said etc.. then I made new friends, have a great job, got involved, took on some hobbies and now.. I have a great self esteem- most of the time. we will be married 10 year and dated for 6- sex was different depending on what was going on in our lives. I feel compltely comfortable now telling him what I like, dont like, what excites me and what doesnt. as far as I am concerned- a womans O is just as important as the mans. talk to your honey. if he says your meeting his needs and hes not straying let it go. dont make him feel anymore guilty then he already does. it is soooo normal. good luck.

First of all, your feelings are normal and justified. It makes me SO SAD that so many women have decided to believe the LIE that this kind of behavior is normal and should just be accepted. Those women are selling themselves and their mates very short.
My husband had a problem with this, too. His father was very into it and it affected his marriage. There are spiritual implications and my husband and his brother have both unfortunately reaped the consequences of it.
My husband realized that it was unhealthy and we worked together to get him through it. It's like any other unhealthy addiction--a inevitable downward spiral.
He can't beat it alone. You can get help and support for yourself and your mate.
There is a wonderful website you should go to right away called XXXChurch.com. This is a struggle that many, many men in our society are going through and we need to stop turning a blind eye to it! It's time that we recongnize that our culture perpetuates these kinds of problems for men. We need to help them and be their support.
One thing my husband insists on is that I have the password for our computer and that if he wants to get on it I have to sign in for him. He has been free of any issues for a while but he feels it's unwise to even have temptation available. I lovingly ask him on a regular basis how he's doing and he tells me if he has been tempted or anything. We have a very open repoire about it. That helps him.
GOOD FOR YOU for not standing for it and seeking help for you both now before it's really bad. God Bless you!

I agree with the last couple posts though I have things to add that I don't see touched on when skimming responses...it sickens me too that people consider it "normal" and thus "acceptable". Lying and gossiping are also "normal"/common....that absolutely does not make it acceptable!!! Everything is permissable, not everything is beneficial! There are consequences to every action, and there are so many consequences to this action... damaged relationships on many levels, personal integrity minimized, an escalating habit, etc, etc. People wear clothes in our society for reasons beyond warmth...nakedness is really personal between husband and wife...not to be shared with others and not to be sought after from others beyond the marriage. For these reasons, feeling betrayed absolutely makes complete sense. I'd have a talk with your husband about it ASAP maybe bringing up some of these points.

men are more turned on by visual things as for us woman its the words we hear. as long as he aint hiding it or if he is he just dont want to make u feel bad. i think its just the visual thing for him. my husband does as well and it dont bother me.

I'm a mom of a 3 month hold and when my husband came home w/ a calander from a local body shop w/ topless women for each month and hung it in the garage. I went on Amazon and bought a playgirl calendar it hung it right next to it. He took it down and put his nudy calander inside a cabinet so its not in the open anymore. I'm thinking of haning mine in the laudry room! Its perfectly normal. I am very secure in our marriage and we have great sex! Just b/c he likes to 'look' doesn't mean its all about you. Thats what men do period.

Talk to him about how you feel. Keep it open...it is natural, and you don't want him to feel that he should "hide" from you.

It really doesn't have anything to do with you, it's really a healthier outlet than the alternatives. Talk to him is all I could say.

First of all I would like to point out what sensitivity you displayed by apologizing not to offend others. That was very considerate. I know many topics can be touchy...

That having been said, It sounds like a pretty normal situation to me. You just had a baby, your body is not exactly back to pre-baby days most probably, you have become more focused on a new baby in your life (as should be the case!), and sex is probably not on the top of your list if you are the typical new mom. So, he is looking to get excited in other ways. Very normal, but I hear where you are coming from. I would NOT get defensive or argue with him and for sure not get accusatory however, I would talk to him and ask him if he can give you an explanation. Do not press the issue if he does not want to talk. He may be uncomfortable with it. If he gets aggressive or offended then it might be an issue to talk further about. Otherwise, I would try to use it to your benefit. I also would take a look inside yourself and see why you are feeling so insecure about such a thing. Most guys do it so why are YOU taking it personally? Those are just some things you may want to think about or talk to someone about. I know I would not have a problem with it but each person has to base it on the guy and the relationship. That is only the case because my husband is the type of guy who does not masturbate and does not look or gaze at other women, ever. I think its hard for men but if they have their heart only for you then they do not want to look at other women behind your back or in front of you. I don't know. Just my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth...

Goodluck in feeling confident in your marriage. And CONGRATULATIONS on your new baby girl!!!!! Enjoy being a mommy - it is so wonderful. Hang in there too - it does get better!

It's normal & healthy as long as the websites don't have underage or gay material. I get angry & feel like I've been cheated on, too, when I know my husband has been to graphic websites, but I know he could be doing much worse. He could actually be cheating, he could be spending money at strip clubs or going to bachelor parties in Vegas!
I think men looking at women is like us overeating at a party. They just get greedy because they can. And I don't think we understand what huge appetites they have because we don't have the same need for visual stimulation 24/7. Once a month was where my appetite was right after having my kids!
I think 99% of men who have an internet look at what crazy stuff is out there out of curiosity and then get hooked, and most of them do try to at least keep it somewhat secret so they don't hurt their wives' feelings. I'm sure if your husband had the choice of spending the rest of his life (including everything that goes into having a family & sex), he'd choose you over any of the girls he sees on the websites. You are his wife, friend and mother to his daughter. The girls on the sites mean NOTHING to him. They could probably do the same trick if they were computer generated.

You are the only one that can let yourself feel worthy of love and affection; he did not do this for you he is just the first person you allowed yourself to let love you. You need to step back and figure out if this is a self asteem isue or something that is just not acceptable to you. It does sound to me to be your self estem saying you compare yourself and thinking that is what he is doing. My husband does on occasion look at the same things, and yes it did bother me at first but once I realized it really had nothing to do with me and that he loved me for exactly who I am I let it go. You have to remember why you married each other in the first place, and that you have to accept one another for who you are that includes the flaws.

Hi,

I think this is a pretty common occurrence (especially after kids). I know for a fact that my husband does it too. Doesn't bother me too much. At least he doesn't stray!

Julia:

You concern is legitimate... I think that you alone or with your husband should talk to a therapist.

P., RLC, IBCLC, CST
Breastfeeding and Parenting Solutions

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this and I don't think you are wrong to feel betrayed. I have a couple friends going through this now and feel the same way! It has NOTHING to do you with you!! It's his addiction and I suggest you pray for him. HE IS THE ONE with self esteem problems if he needs pornography! Only God can break through addictions. My friends have cried to their spouses, been very angry and still they are left feeling abandoned, rejected, betrayed, and very lonely. My heart goes out to you and if ever needing someone to chat with please feel free. But always remember, it is NOT YOU!!!

I really think porno is destructive to marriges and families anyways, but maybe you should talk to him about how you feel when he views porno. I would be concerned, because I personally know of someone whose husband got involved in porno and ended up molesting their daughter just a few years later. I feel that is a betrayel to the marriage and I would be bothered by this. We never have had porno in our home. My mother never allowed my dad to have it in my home growing up either. It seems to be a progressive monster that keeps growing and wanting more and more to stimulate the guy's desires and shows women that are fakely pretty--the pictures are computer graphics usually or retouched. Always follow your gut feelings. Take care of yourself, and because you disapprove of porno, doesn't mean you are insecure. Maybe you just have good common sense!----J T

Dear J S,
I came upon your request and although I don't have time to read through the 96 other responses you got... I think my opinion is a bit different.
I understand that you are feeling betrayed because your husband is looking at other woman. But trust me it is just a man thing. When men get "sexually focused" they look at pictures... when women get "sexually focused" we pick up a romance novel. They very much the same just one has pictures. You just had a baby five months ago and maybe your husband just knows how tired you are and doesn't want to bother you. But if this is something that he likes to do maybe you should sit him down and talk to him... find out why he likes it. Maybe the next time he feels like watching on you could watch it with him. See what he likes... you might find that it turns you on too. Don't be shy. This is the guy who has seen you at your best and your worst. If after watching one you still feel the same way then you gave it a shot and he should respect your feelings. But if you watch one with him and you get as into it as he does.. the next time he wants to watch one he will think of you... I know that sounds strange, but that's how men think. I do think that if you over react he is just going to hide it from you and then you will always be wondering what he is doing and the trust in that situation will disapear. Or maybe you should pick up a romance novel and act it out on your husband if watching a movie is too much.
You may just feel betrayed because you don't know. Sometimes your imagination is worse than reality. Don't feel threatened ... he loves you.

First of all there is nothing more sexy than a woman who is secure about herself. You can't control what your husband does, but you can control how you behave. Explore why you feel insecure -- analyze the problem -- if he stops doing this, won't there be something else that comes along that makes you feel insecure. My advice is to work on yourself first -- no -- I am not saying go to the gym and work out like a crazy woman, trying to achieve a sexy body. I am saying to concentrate on loving your own body -- loving your own sexuality, and that will come through in your relationship. You may find later on that this doesn't bother you at all, or you may find that as a result of your increased security in your own body/sexuality, your husband may have less of a desire to look online for visual stimulation.

And, I do believe that's all it is -- NOT to excuse anything, but SO MANY MANY MANY men look at pornography -- even old grandpa's. I don't want you to think that I think it's okay, I just want you to realize how common this is.

Truthfully, it really does have nothing to do with you. You've got to get over that notion.

Heck Yea, you have Every right to be concerned and upset. I actually found my DH stash once. We had been married around 2yrs I think and our son was around 1 I believe I was vacuming once day and found a couple magazines under the bed, I was hurt like you said but above all I was also just plain Pi$$ed!! He was lucky he didn't get home from work for a couples hrs yet. I gave me time to sit and think things out a bit more rationally. I was also upset because his mother seemed to think it was "okay" as well (we lived in the basement at the time-that's a whole nother topic though). I thought any woman should feel the way I did not just think "oh it's alright, no harm no foul".
It very much felt like cheating to me and I also didn't have a very good self esteem either so it stung that much more. Fortunetly I have a very loving and Understanding DH so I talked to him long and hard when he got home and he listened to my feelings. I also learned as someone else said to check the computer over every so often and it has never been a problem for us since. You are in my prayers for a good outcome, Don't ever hide your feelings just tell him what you are thinking and feeling!!! Good Luck!

Hi, I believe men, unlike women may require visuals to assist in stimulation. I also believe it can be dangerous. I believe he should be looking to his wife. One thing leads to another, it's "easier" to look on the net, then he doesn't come to you and could go in places that aren't so healthy. Keep in touch with him and the situation. While you may not be able to stop him, keep yourself appealing. Hopefully he doesn't go there often. It did assist in the demise of my marriage. My ex finally did admit he got wrapped up in it. I know of marriages that ended in cyber affairs. A little may be normal. Keep your finger on the pulse. I do not bleieve it is a good distraction. Good luck!

JS.
Many women have different feelings about this..and you have gotten alot of post about this, so you have come to the right place for help!...This is a wonderful place for help. I have been married to my husband for 9 years so I am very comfortable, I used to feel the sameway as you do now. If he even turned his head the same way as another women if he was looking at her or not I was saying something. Now to be honest I dont even care lol..give we are watching something on tv and there is someone on I will say wow she is realy pretty or something like that. I do feel like it has alot to do with your self esteem...Please tell your husband that it makes you feel uncomfortable that he is looking at it and he should respect your feelings. And he should really stop! Good Luck hun....

xxxchurch.com
bsafeonline.com

I believe very strongly it is not normal behavior for your husband, but it is very common and a difficult challenge for men. Try to remember that you have done nothing wrong and it has nothing to do with you. This is his issue and it is normal for you to not be ok with it. I recommend the book "Every Man's Battle" by Steven Arterburn.

I know that you said that you talked to him about this, but my question is what did you say? Did you tell him that you are uncomfortable with this whole situation? Did you ask him to stop? Did you tell him exactly what you just told us concerning your self-esteem? If you haven't, that's where you need to start, after you pray and ask God to give you the courage and the right words to say. You have to have open communication with your husband, and honesty is the best way to open that line of communication.

God bless,
A concerned mother

I completely understand how you feel. It is like looking into a mirror. I don't know what to say but I just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings.

Your feelings of betrayal are understandable. Who wants to compete with a photographic image? I don't know where the two of you are spiritually but my husband quit partaking when he realized that pornography is sin. Unforunately, the world says there is nothing wrong with it, thus your partner's attitude. It may seem simple and in control now but it is documented that many men escalate to more and more perverse viewing- Ted Bundy would be the extreme. Have you asked him to stop for you? That you want to be the only one he sees? Would he go for counseling with you? Chances are there is a deeper issue.

I don't know if it's normal or not. I think my husband may also browse sometimes. If it is really bothering you, consider going to see a counselor yourself to work through your concerns so that you can better express yourself to your husband and work on your own self esteem. Men do seem to think about sex differently than we do, so looking at this stuff probably is more recreational than need fulfilling a need that you are not meeting for him. Good luck.

Hi J.S.
I am sorry that you feel betrayed. I know that it may feel like he has cheated on you and it can make you feel sick to your stomach just thinking about it but you need to talk to your husband to get this issue resolved. Ask him why he was looking at it in the first place and any other questions that you may have. Maybe that is just something that he enjoys. As long as he wasn't talking to anyone on the internet or watching someone then I wouldn't think of it as him cheating. It would be just like him watching a pornographic movie . Maybe you can tell him that you understand and if he wants to do those type of things then he should tell you and maybe you can set a night aside where you can both watch one togehter and that way he is involving you and tell him that you won't allow him to watch when your not around and not to make it an every day habit that it is a once in a long while thing.Good luck and remember that he wasn't with another women or anything alright?
W.

First of all, it can't help that you are a new mother to a 5 month old. Your life is totally different. I assume your sex life may be a little different than it was pre-baby. I would try to find out how long your guy has been doing this. Is he just looking? Again, not to get too graphic, but is he doing it to look or to turn himself on (if you know what I mean)? Men insist that their "looking" is separate from us. That even though he is looking at "perfect" bodies, it doesn't mean that the appreciate our "imperfect" ones any less. I don't see how that is possible, but that's what they say. I do think it is a problem, but probably not as big of a problem as you feel it is. If it is occasional looking, it's probably not a huge issue. If he's looking every day and for long periods of time...well...Keep us posted.

Me:
SAHM of 8 & 11 Year olds