Follow up on Prior question...son's GF Attempted Suicide

Actually, I am dealing with this. I found out last summer that my daughter cuts herself. And she knows a lot of kids that do as well. She has told me she knows kids that have killed themselves. I also just found out that she has started cutting again. It is a big rollercoaster. An incredibly crazy roller coaster. One thing I can say is that for my daughter, when people find out they do "go away" and it hurts. A lot. I would think short conversations just so she knows people stil care will help but you must take cues from the family--and don't forget the family either. They are all going through this.

Cutting can lead to suicide. It just takes a little bit deeper cut. My daughter says she cuts (she let me read her diary today) because it makes her feel like she is in control. Also, don't assume that because she is on meds she is feeling 100% "normal". There will always be an underlying pain that they feel. It is scary and as parents, we feel out of control ourselves. There is no manual to deal with this---no matter how many books doctors have written. One step at a time. One day at a time.

Yeah, I'm close to that issue. Please do reach out, and encourage your son to stay supportive too. The worst thing in the entire world is when people avoid you and your child. Many, many people in this girl's life will begin to avoid her and her family completely as they find out. That is a very lonely place to be. It's OK if you don't know what to say. Anything is better than nothing. This poor girl is suffering from mental illness. I will pray for them.

Make sure you give your son a big hug every day, morning and night and tell him, "I love you, if you need to talk, I will listen." I promise no judgement no preaching, I am here for you. "

You also need to remind him that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. This means her, but includes him for supporting her.

Being depressed will happen to almost every one at some point in their lives. The secret is to ask for help. To take others seriously.

This is not usually due to anyone else, it is a chemical difference in her brain. Girls hormones are going all over the place at this point in their lives. It is their "normal" so they do not even realize this is not what they have to live with, there is help.

It is good that you are being supportive. Be sure to ask if there is anything the other family may need. Even taking them a meal would probably be helpful. Or if your son could mow their yard.. etc.

The best way to know if it is ok for him to contact her, write her, call her, send her flowers etc. Is to ask her parents, if it is ok with her doctors.

I am sending you all strength.

When my dear friend ended up committed I wrote to him and we talked a couple of times on the phone. If I had had a way to get to see him I would have loved to have been able to visit him, but I would have talked with his family first to be sure he was up to having visitors.

Added: after reading some of the other responses I wanted to add, please don't force your son to turn his back on her as some have suggested. What would that teach him? That it is okay and normal to abandon people just when they need us the most? Teach him how to be a good and supportive friend while still protecting himself, it is an important life skill to have.

Wow! So sorry.
My initial thought are that the relationship needs to be over until she is well (at least--maybe just over) then he might reach out in friendship.
I think it couldn't be a bad thing for you to reach out to her parents in friendship either.
It would be great for your son to work with a counselor to help him understand that in no way, shape or form us thus his fault or his responsibility to save her.
Good luck!

oh my gads!!!
wow!
once again, it really sounds to me as if you're doing everything right (or what i'd do, which is the same thing<G>.) other than being open and available to him, there's not too much more you CAN do.
i doubt her family would be angry to hear from you. if they're at all reasonable they'll appreciate it. but again, just open the door and then leave it. a note (or phone call if you're comfortable with it) saying 'i'm so sorry this has happened, we want to support you in any way you need.'
my older had gf like this in middle school. when he told me she had contemplated suicide and told him that he was 'the only thing she had to live for' my skin prickled in horror. i was very relieved that he decided himself a week or so later that he wasn't up for that degree of responsibility and broke up kindly with her.
the main thing for your son to know is that he is NOT romeo, and should not enter any sort of death-pact or keep-alive pact with her. she needs professional help, and he can be a supportive friend without being her sole source of psychological sustenance. it's never too early to learn boundaries.
khairete
S.

This is very sad. And you are honoring their feelings by realizing this is hard on your son and they are in love and all.

But. Bottom line. This girl has serious issues and your son is only 16. There are better ways to spend his pre-college years than investing all his energy in a fatally depressed person. I don't mean to sound callous, but I lost plenty of my own productive years (in my 20's) trying to help an old boyfriend with similar depression and self destruction issues. What a WASTE OF TIME FOR ME THAT WAS!!!!! And I only saw it years later. It seemed like the right and caring thing for me to focus on at the time of course.

So. Yes, they may associate you and blame you. Or maybe not, but I'd be surprised if they don't since "bad influences" are what people search for at times like these. I would reach out a little (flowers and note ?) since you really do care, but also keep your distance since that's also appropriate and respectful and you CANNOT HELP this girl and neither can your son nor should he try.

And as for your son...I simply don't get why teens are allowed to get so invested in relationships. I know kids fall in love and it's very real, and I know it's the norm now, but when I was in school only the kids with negligent parents were hanging around all the time on weekends and things. Most of us straight edges had after school jobs and activities and lots of homework and it was a tight community (Air Force base) where the parents knew everyone's kids. None of my friends were having boyfriends and girlfriends over to their house etc. I was lucky I was allowed to go to prom and a few movies with a group (rarely). There was no way in hell my parents would let me have a serious boyfriend-I did sneak out a few times and had one I could make out with in the break room bagging groceries...but...none of this extended time together where parents acknowledged the serious nature of the relationship. Yes, it's true love, yes teens are real people, but I'm just saying. Other things are more important to prepare for adulthood, but teens think the universe lies in the significant other at that age. If I would have been allowed to spend all my spare time with my boyfriend, I would have and a lot of my other accomplishments at that time-including completing a portfolio that got me into a prestigious art school and saving up enough money to move into an apartment my freshman year- wouldn't have happened.

So no, in my opinion, even if she was normal and well I don't think their relationship is "important to focus on". Your son will be heading off to college in 2 years and hopefully dating girls who are not suicidal-no offense to this girl. Again, I've been burned by caring too much for people with issues I can't control.

So. Honor his feelings. Allow him appropriate involvement (very little) and help nudge him in other directions with his energy and focus...partying and lying with his girlfriend aren't great trends...normal, but not great, as you know and good work being a parent and addressing it like you did!

JB

How sad.

I'm really sorry for everyone going through this.

I would talk to her parents. And see what her parents and doctor's say. Their daughter has some SERIOUS issues...I wouldn't want my son to abandon her, but at the same point, he can't be responsible for her happiness or saving her.

Keep the lines of communication open with your son. Let him know he can come to you with ANYTHING....no question is off limits. Ask him how HE wants to proceed. Remind him that it's NOT his responsibility to make her happy....happiness really does come from within....

Prayers..

I am very sorry!! Suicide is a very real and scary thing...we lost my brother just over a year ago to suicide. It's horrible. I just want to let you know I'm saying prayers for the girl, her family, and you all for strength.

Personally, I think he needs to step back from this girl. I think a visit (if allowed by her parents) with some flowers and a cool "Hey, get better. See you when you're healthy!" will do just fine.

I've known individuals who've actually used attempts and threats of attempts to manipulate. He needs to keep you in the loop, this girl needs friends, but she's libel to be toxic if allowed too close. You need to be able to let your son know when and if you see him being pulled down by this girl, open communication is key. Ask him if he'd talked about taking a break to this girl. If he has, this may have set her off. He may be feeling guilty, especially if she's a manipulator.

Mental illness is serious and she needs help, but not from him, at least not in the way she truly needs it. He can be her friend, but I think anything more would be a very bad idea.

Good luck!

My heart goes out to all involved. You'll need to let yourself be led as to how and when to communicate. They may not be ready for much if any right now. Give it time and let them know your sincere thoughts. Comfort your son and keep an eye on him. I know this is his gf but he needs to keep at a certain distance for now.

It's horrible to know this happens. My daughter experienced three deaths while she was a teen, all friends, two of them suicides and one was her best friend and there was no warning at all. It took her a very long time to get over it, many years. It was just devasting for her mother. She's never been the same.

I send prayers for her and her family and your son and you. Take Care.

I would seriously consider applying for a job in another state, seriously, she's going to rope him in somehow and make him a part of her mental illness.

He needs distance. Keep him busy with activities, fun fun fun family times. Go to plays, go to relatives houses for the weekends, do some city team sporting events like a basketball tournament or something.

Keep him so busy that he doesn't have time to miss her and stuff.

I'm so sorry. She does indeed have a tremendous amount of problems. Being a cutter alone means that she is in a world of hurt. Her parents have been absolutely oblivious if they didn't know.

If I were you, I'd get a counselor to work with your son. He was dating a cutter. He didn't tell you. He was in over his head and now he doesn't know what to do with this. Being stoic just means he's shut down.

I don't know what to say about whether or not to reach out to the family. I think that if I were you, I'd talk to a family attorney about it first. If she was sending pictures to him, and the family tries to start pointing fingers, you could have legal trouble. I hate to lay that on you, but get some advice NOW, so that you can move forward easier.

Good luck. I hope this family gets her some real help.

Wow, you are being very nice to be so concerned for all involved, and for taking this seriously. I think you're doing all the right things.

As far as what you should do:

-listen when your son needs you to. have some quiet moments when you are around each other but you aren't saying much, this is the time that he may open up a little.

-ask him what he wants to do. does he want to stay with her? is he freaked out? what does he hope happens now?

-do reach out to the girl's mom and let her know that you are praying for them and are concerned for her. let her know that if her doctors/therapists are wanting to have conversations with her and your son, you are supportive of this. mostly, they will have opinions on whether or not she should be in a relationship at all, and what parameters a relationship would have if it's appropriate for her. this is good for all involved, take professional advice.

-speak with the school counselor, and have him/her talk with your son. what should he do? what should he be aware of? how can he support her while protecting himself.

-if they stay together, make sure that communication is very open. I would mostly worry about future threats of suicide or her using them as a way to manipulate him. not a for sure, just a possibility.

Good luck!

I am so sorry this happened! I hope you and your son know that it isn't your fault and it certainly isn't because of what happened over the weekend.

If I were the girl's family, I think I would want a little space before being contacted by your son. Maybe wait just a couple of days, and then he can call to check in. When he does, he needs to
1. Have low expectations - they may not accept his call or she may not be able or willing to talk to him. Don't let him get his hopes up for a meaningful call so that he isn't too disappointed.
2. Ask the mom how much she is willing to let him talk to the daughter and whether he is allowed to visit (if he wants)
3. Ask the girlfriend how she would like him to contact her, making sure not to overstep the mom's wishes right now

Anyway, this is likely going to cause ongoing problems in her life and might make it hard for your son to have a relationship with her. A close friend of mine from childhood - though we moved away so we weren't in the same state for most of our lives - was a cutter in high school. In her late 20's, while pregnant for the first time, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In the last 8 years or so, she has attempted suicide 4-5 times (always pills). It's a horrible situation. I haven't been in touch with her in years, but our moms are still in touch.

I hope things work out but it is probably best if your son remains her friend but not her boyfriend.

Ok ok ok, I get all the super emotional responses, I do. But did anyone think that this girl could just be an attention seeking (nudie pics) drama queen (she will prob dump me once I can't go to prom) who thinks her life is "over" because she got caught in a lie by someone ELSE'S parents (where were hers in relation to the sleepover)? I remember girls like this from when I was in HS. She sounds like a basket case that your son needs to be far far away from. How long have they been together again? If u want to send a card, sure, if it makes you feel like you aren't yanking your kid away, go for it. But that is what you ultimately need to do.

If I were you, I would reach out by sending flowers or a gift basket with a cheerful card, but wait for them to make any next move. That way at least they know that you are thinking of them and that you care.

As for your son, tough life lesson! I seriously doubt that the weekend faux pas is the cause of this suicide attempt. I imagine that this girl has some deep rooted issues that she needs to deal with. Your son needs to understand and accept that he was not the cause of this. I think you should encourage him to remain friends with this girl, she is going to need all the support she can get. But I think he needs to put the brakes on a romantic relationship. This girl is in no shape to be in an emotional entanglement right now. If it doesn't go right, it could push her over the edge and then your son will REALLY feel responsible. I would NOT let the kids figure this out for themselves because it may be too late by then. You're going to have to lay down the law as far as his relationship with her goes and he's just going to have to accept that this is in her best interests.

I will keep her and her family and your son in my thoughts and prayers.