I need some assistance. We recently have had a new baby and of course this has caused major adjustments within the household. My issue is with "down time" vs. "work time". Hubby gets out of work but has a thousand meetings after work almost every single day so is home usually between 5-6pm. And starting soon the coaching season will start and he will not be homing home until 7-8p.
I work from home for a Marketing Agency and do my best to fit in "work time" while baby is sleeping during the day. I have my parents babysit twice a week for 3 hours but they cannot be counted on - they are always backing out for some reason or cutting the hours short. So I depend on "work time" when hubby gets home.
However, while I am in charge of baby duty, I clean the house, make dinner so it’s ready at about 5ish, do the dishes...I get other things done that need to get done....part of life.
My issue is when hubby is in charge of baby and I state I am heading upstairs for quiet time for work he complains he doesn't get any "down time". He goes straight from "work time" to “baby duty”. This of course makes me feel guilty.
Maybe I am just venting but at what point do I get “down time”?? I am sick of having this disagreement with him. It feels like the only time I can work is when the baby is asleep…which is a couple hours during the day or when he’s in bed at night. But all the while hubby gets out of the house for work and weekly get togethers with the guys.
Does anyone have any positive thoughts on how to resolve this?
Let him know he'll get some down time when the baby is 18 and moves out. He is a parent now and he no longer comes first in the world. Period.
Sound like you both need to get some outside help. It's hard running a business, being a wife, being a mother/nurse, housewife, and friend to the man you love. I'm sure you both need/miss each other right now more than anything-tell him so.
Maybe conside getting a nanny/child care two days a week- discuss options/cost with your husband- so that you and your husband can have down time together.
FORMULA FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE: 1 uninterruped hour a day- just sharing your dreams/goals, 1 day a week without the baby, 1week a year- without the baby.
Before you both know it the children will be gone and you will be strangers don't loose the oneyou love !
my daughter is 2 now and I am a stay at home mom, and I have yet to have some down time or just me time. This is something you need to fix right off the bat. I never bothered with it I felt gulity for not bringing in an income so I did it all clean, breakfast, coffe for work packed lunch for work made dinner washed and ironed laundry and I nursed my little one bathed her changed all her diapers I never had one hot meal or time for me, the day I was sick with a fever of 102. And I asked for help which he responded like your husband I just got home from work give me a break. I blew up and relized how spoiled I had spolied my husband and it was no ones fault but my own, things are better he sees now my job is 24 7 round clock good luck and hey at least you have your parents from time to time, I have no friends or family near me. God Bless and be strong
Hire a mother's helper. He may change his tune when a babysitter is in the house while he is also in the house. Or while you are trying to work during the day have a mother's helper come in and do baby duties and some cleaning.
Good luck to you. When baby is older you will be better able to make time for work.
I went through this very experience with our first child. I used to work from home as a freelance PR writer when my husband would get home from work. But those hours kept changing later and later and it no longer worked. I once had to go on a conference call with a baby on my knee the whole time! Not good. When our son was two, we decided it was time for daycare. He went part-time in the mornings so I could work. Made all the difference in the world! I was no longer stressed about getting my work time and he no longer felt pressured to get home from work ASAP. We were both happier and our son did great.
The "down" time issue is a common one. I don't know any parent that gets it much with young children. Kindly remind him that you get zero down time, either, since you're also working and you're raising a baby all day long.
If he's getting out of the house for weekly get togethers with the guys, schedule your own "off time," even if it means you just go shopping on your own. Schedule it in because guys will never say, "hey, you deserve a break ... why don't you take a break and I'll watch the kids?" I waited for that to happen and it never did. Now, I just speak up when I need a break and I've started just scheduling myself the time I need.
Good luck!
I agree with Delma that you need to fix this problem now. There is no reason why you have to be doing everything. Tell your husband that you will commit to providing x number of hours of "down time" for him per week as long as he will commit to doing the same for you. Then allow yourself a break or two during the days when you are caring for your baby, the dishes and laundry will wait, your sanity will not. One of the most important things you can do for your baby is to take good care of her mother. Don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for that.
hire a nanny...someone to come in the house.. either one full day.. so you just work all day.. or 2 1/2 days or whatever you can work out..
mykids are 2 and 4 and I get similar statements from my husband.. it is normal for men to think this.. they work all day and then they have to come home and take care of thekids... as if staying home moms sit on the couch all day..
it is a hard adjustment with all the work that comes with a new baby.. as the bayb gets older he will not need constant supervision and it will get easier..
Well that is the way it is.
Period.
A "Mommy" does NOT get down-time.... and no time to "transition" from one thing to the other or after getting home after a long day, either.
He needs to realize that.
Your Hubby is an adult, a grown-up... HE needs to be able to compromise.... and still tend to things. Because, things never stops and with work and kids and the house, there is always something to do. PLUS, he Coaches. Which I assume is a choice. HE made. So that is his responsibility to fit it all in, if he can or cannot. His family.... being First and of course his wife.
AND... he gets to go and hang out with the guys and go out. SO... tell him this IS his "down-time"... which you "allow" him to do, DESPITE all the duties as a family and Dad. And key question for him: WHEN does HE spend time with the kids, alone, or give them quality time & bathing them/feeding them/putting them to bed/teaching them things/helping with homework/etc., since he is SO busy that he makes you feel guilty about having no downtime? If he wants down-time... then when oh when is he going to spend time with his kids and wife? It seems his work and coaching takes all of his time.
He is a parent. He is a Husband. He works. You work and have a job too. You BOTH have kids. So, his life is no worse or busier than yours.
BUT, "you" do not have ANY time off or down-time. Tell him this. YOU are the PRIMARY caretaker, because he is unavailable or chooses to be. That is unfair. So... I would, on your calendar, block off time for yourself... to do whatever YOU want. Even if it is just sitting under a tree vegging. It is your time.
Then, have a JOINT calendar, and block off "your" time. And his. But it has to be fair. AND "remind" him that HE Coaches.... in addition to his job... and that this is a CHOICE or a "Hobby" of his. Unless this is his 2nd job for which he gets PAID for, & which he "needs" to continue. OR, he should think about cutting back on his time spent outside of the family (ie: coaching)... and his time he chooses to be without his kids and without him giving himself to his kids. YOU should NOT feel "guilty" about his diatribe about not having "down-time" for himself. And, down-time cannot be every single day... realistically.
it is not fair. I would be irked.
My Hubby- works full time and goes to school, after work. He is busy. Legitimately. But, he also goes out after work sometimes, telling me at the last minute. Meanwhile, I am home with the kids 24/7, I work at home too....and do EVERYTHING at home and for the family. He calls me his "rock." BUT... then he comes home and studies... or just does the X-Box thing. (ie: his down-time). Fine. BUT.... we talk about it...and I tell him, it is HIS CHOICE.... how he spends his time... BUT he has to be available to the kids and family, helping too. AND I NEED A DOWN-TIME too. I do NOT get paid days off or vacations. I deserve that much. So, we talk about it.... my Hubby KNOWS in his heart, that I am a constant machine of doing things around the house and for the kids. So, he steps up. Period. It is only fair. AND, he is a parent too. You can't always take time off.
I also, have a "Daddy Do List" of things that he needs to do. A "reminder." Otherwise, men, get forgetful, and my Hubby actually said its good because then, amongst all the other things he does, he can look at the "list" and remember what to do. Even if it is taking out the trash... he forgets what day that is.
If Your Hubby cannot do that and adjust his choices.... then tell him: you need a part-time Nanny to help out. Or YOU will coordinate his day and how he spends his time and make him a "schedule." Since he can't seem to manage himself, plus giving time to his family/kids/you. You work too, and have kids, and you take care of the house and all that it entails and take care of the family and give the kids quality time and care for them AND YOU do NOT get any down-time or off time. Nor does he help you. So... the choice is to get a Nanny to help. It can be for the times that are most busy for you, and you need to work or run errands.
All the best,
Susan
In my experience no O. really gets "down time" with a new baby in the house--especially the mom! It's just my experience. Don't let him into guilting you that he needs "down" time so you don't get "work" time! That's crazy! If he needs more down time, you'll most likely have to quit your job...then he'll get it but you still won't! LOL
