Need Some Advice - Cape Coral, FL

short and sweet answer here. if hes working fulltime, hard physical labor, he needs his time off, but so do you. Schedule time off for YOURSELF (away from the babys!) AND time for the two of you together(away from the babys).

This is so much more common than you know. I think most of it comes from men being afraid to actually hold the baby because the baby is so small. My husband actually said to me(back then) that mothers have the natural instinct to take care of babies. Like we know exactly what to do because we're women. Hah! We do it bacause we HAVE to. We learn as we go. I used to resent my husband for not helping me, but actually, i let him feed the baby once in the middle of the night to get an extra few hours of sleep and i was awake the whole time thinking that he was doing it wrong, or would fall asleep while feeding her. So to tell you the truth, don't you feel like you are the only one who can do it right?
First of all, realize this is only temporary for the first few months. Then think about exavtly what you need him to do for you. If you ask for a specific thing, it will be easier for him to do. Maybe you want him to take the baby right when he gets home so you can sleep from 6pm to like 10pm? Even if you just when in a bedroom, and closed the door to watch t.v. or read a book. You need a few hours to yourself. It will do wonders.
And, could you hire a sitter for a few hours one or two days a week to be with the baby while you are there? A friend maybe, or someone you trust. You can call a local high school-senior most of the time have been through childcare classes with CPR. Usually for me it helped when i had company because i felt relieved for a little while.
Also , get the book Babywise. Read it as much as you can. I had trouble with my second daughter til she was 3 months old and i couldn't take it anymore. I needed sleep. My friend mailed me the book and what a lifesaver. I took all the part of the book that were right for me, and used them. From then til now, my daughter has been a great sleeper, happy child, and everyone has said they can't believe how easily she goes down for a nap and to sleep at night. No crying, i just put her in her crib, say goodnight, i love you, and go out and close the door. It is wonderful.
most importantly for now, make sure you pick and choose what would be most helpful for your husband to do for you. Be very specific. Men need that type of communication. I'm sure he's not leaving the house for the sake of leaving to party with friends. He probably just doesn't know the best way to help you right now. And won't admit it.
:):)

You need to get involved in a MOMS group. I belong to the MOMS Club and we have Mom's Mornings out where 2 of the mom's watch the kids while the other mom's have a large part of the day to do whatever they want, from sleeping, getting a haircut, going shopping or whatever. We have these 1 time a month. We also have a mom's night out where the kids stay with the dads and mom's going out together and do something fun for the night.
Plus, we have playdates and fun get togethers. Where you can get a little break and also have some other mom's to vent to about what you go through at home and such.
I strongely encourage you to try it and see how much it will help you.
Also, try napping when the baby naps. If your husband will help with the house work then instead of working on that while the baby is asleep, take a nap or shower and rest while the baby is sleeping. That's what I did ( I have 3 kids). My husband also took the early morning wake up time. Meaning the baby usually woke up around 5 ish in the morning. So my husband would get up with him then and let me sleep. It was their time to bond. He would change him and feed him and sit and cuddle with him for a couple of hours and then when the baby went back to sleep, my husband would put him down and get ready for work. By then I would be getting up.
Suggest that to your husband. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down. Tell him what if you were working outside the home and you took his stance on not caring for the baby because you had to get sleep for work. Then who the heck would care for the baby? The 5 year old. He needs to step up to the plate (it's his baby too). Besides, he's setting an example for your 5 year old.
Call Lisa she's the membership chairperson. She can tell you when our next events are, that way you can come to a few and see what you think. Her number is ###-###-#### tell her that T. told you to call.
It'll be fun and you'll get somewhat of a break.
Good luck,
T.

Hi J..

It's perfectly normal to feel so overwhelmed. It is very hard with a new baby. Especially when you also have a 5 year old. I know alot of moms might disagree, but if hubby is working, he should be able to get all his sleep on WEEKDAYS. But on weekends and when he comes home from work he should be helping you! Possibly allowing you to sleep in, while he takes care of the kids, making dinner, bathing your 5 year old, laundry etc.. He should be doing these things instead of inviting friends over and leaving you alone with the kids to go out and have fun. Why shouldn't you be able to go out and have fun with your girlfriends too? Have you spoke to him, WITHOUT crying and screaming about how you feel? Maybe make some suggestions as to how he can help?(Maybe he is also stressed because he doesn't know of a solution) Hang in there J., many of us moms have had to go thru the same things. Women were made strong for a reason! I have to admit, it was very hard for me when it was 2am and baby was crying, hubby was snoring, and I was sleep deprived. I just wanted to go over and stick a dirty sock in his snoring mouth!! :) But, I was always grateful to have a hubby who worked hard so I can stay home and take care of my duaghter. So I would quietly cry with my new little bundle(it's ok to cry), smell the top of her little warm head, and remember that she needs me, and she has no idea that its 2am! :) Take care J., and treat yourself to something good. You deserve it.

Wow J.. You NEED some help. Do you have family around to help? Church family? Friends? Can someone come over & give you some relief? Will your beautiful new baby boy sleep during the day? If he naps, you must nap. The dirty dishes & all that stuff can wait, preferrably for your hubby to do. The care of you & your baby are the priority.
As for "fathers"........
When it all comes down to it, moms are it. No man I know of can wear all the hats that we do or do what we do. How many guys do you know can truly multitask??? Motherhood is a 24/7 career!!! Tell your husband you are taking a personal day on Saturday & go to a family/friend's house or the beach/park. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE WITHOUT ANYONE YOUNGER THAN 18!!!!! He will manage & you will be so much better for it. As for him going out & having buddies over, well that's just disrespectful & hiding from his responsibilities as a husband AND father. I am assuming he is aware of your needs - you've asked him to come home after work ALONE. Don't just assume he knows.
And hang in there. Your little guy will start sleeping longer in the next 2 to 8 weeks. It will get better. Are you nursing your son? It is even more important for you to take care of yourself if you are.
Take care of yourself & congratulations on the arrival of your little boy!!!!!

I have to tell you for me my DH never got up and helped in the middle of the night, EVER. I never resented it, but I was breastfeeding exclusively so that was something he couldn't do! One thing I did do that I didn't mean to was co-sleep. I got a bed rail, like for toddlers and put it on my bed. It helped me get a lot more sleep esp once I went back to work. I learned how to nurse in bed and pretty much asleep. I don't know if you a bfing though.

But my DH wasen't going out w/buddies. He did bring me water/food when I was nursing. He did have friends over but they were both of our friends.

Have you talked to him about this? Anyof his friends have kids and helped out at night? get them to talk to him.

The best thing to do if nothing else it to sleep when the baby is sleeping, whenever it is. Until the last 2 mo I still took naps w/my son during the day and he is 28mo! lol

Also don't try to do it all, really just do what you have to, taking care of your baby.

Check out askdrsears.com, he has some great info on helping babys sleep.

Good luck and it will get better!

Hi J.,
Big hug, big giant hug!
I think lots of us have been here...It seems men (esp. the under 50 set) are all about equality until there is a baby in the house and then it's back to the 1950's!
I have the same problem in my home right now- so my advice: deal with this now! (as you seem to be doing)
Talk to your husband, tell him what YOU need (tell him this is what you need to be a good wife and mother...for some reason that gets mine listening a little more).
But you need to do what I haven't done (and it has been 3 years of no "me" time or down time for me...) you need to TAKE that time and space and use it.
I think that is the key...
All of us feel resented at times (or alot of the time) because if we don't work outside the home (even if it is temporary) THEY (and that can be anyone) feel we don't work and THEY feel entitled to their downtime but act like we are home watching soaps and eating bonbons....
You need to express this to him and you need to declare/schedule some time for you.
and I need to take my own advice!
Big hugs,
Best wishes!
B.

I would wake his happy butt up. There is no reason you should be stuck doing everything. You didn't make that baby by yourself. You should not have to be the only one up all night with him either. I would sit down with your husband and have a talk with him too and see if it helps. Sometimes they really just do not know what all we do. And if you have any family close by it helps to have them take the baby for a couple hours so you can sleep. Hope this helps. Good Luck!
-T.

Yes i have been thru this before too! You have only been married for a year and half as i was when we had our first child. He was going thru that "i dont know if i want to be married anymore" phase. I HOPE this isnt your case. Even though you have been together for along time, marriage still takes its toll. We ended of having a on/ off relationship for 4 years. But that was why he wasnt helping and why i felt so alone. He even had a part tiem bouncer job, so here i am doing wakeups and every meal and every diaper job, and working full time and he gets to go out and have fun. I was so resentful and hormonal and moody, it was just too much for him. It is just a phase though.. best of luck to you. Communiate but dont nag is my advice.
S.