Feed up with Ex Hubby

Sounds like your son's not happy having to compete with his step-siblings for his dad's attention.

Kids thrive on structure, and it could be that your ex's household doesn't have that. FURTHER, and more importantly, when your son acts up, your ex isn't handling it appropriately. Your son wants to back home to you, and that's exactly what he's getting. He's acting up just enough to get what he wants, and he keeps "raising the bar" until he gets it.

Your ex and you need to come to an arrangement - if he doesn't want visitation anymore, then set it up in the divorce decree that way. If visitation is going to be maintained, then he needs to deal with the son's behavior appropriately. 8 might be a bit old for "time out" but he could have a "reflection spot" to think about what he's been doing. Maybe if he kept a journal, that might help too.

Wish I could offer more....good luck!

You'd better check with your lawyer and inform your lawyer about the inappropriate behavior and circumstances that occur during these visitations.
And, why do YOU always have to pick him up?
Doesn't his father have a car?

I think you need to find the reason behind the tantrums. There is a reason he doesn't want to go to his dads, you just have to find out why. Once you figure that out, then you can address it. In the meantime, perhaps you should talk to your ex and ask him if it would be ok to keep your son home a weekend or two. BUT...get it in writing. I wouldn't want him to use that against you at any point.

Is visitation part of the court decree? If so it isn't a matter of allowing it to continue. To stop without court permission is a violation of the divorice and could cost a great deal in child support, etc. Talk to your attorney, explain the situation, and ask him if you need to have supervised visitation since the adult (your ex) can not handle the child and the child does not want to visit with his father. You may find that all of you have to enter a counciling program. Your ex may have to go to parenting classes (and wouldn't that be a laugh) if visistation is going to continue.
Either way explain to your ex you will no longer accept calls to come and pick the child up early. He is the father and the child is his responsibility when in his care and he needs to learn to deal with it or request visitation be discontinued. Let him know in no uncertain terms the next time you receive this type of call from him you will be requesting the courts permission to end visitation and have him continue with the child support since he is unable to care for the child properly when the child is in his custody.

Hi C.. My name is R. and I was (and still am to an extent) in a similiar situation. My ex has the same attitude as yours. My advice, is try talking to your ex (which I am sure you probably have already and it didnt do any good b/c he isnt listening and knows better than you..right?) I dont know how the legal system works in Indiana (I live in Ohio, but legally you cant stop your ex from taking your son..so you will need to go back to court and I suggest trying mediatation/supervised visits. This way its all documented thru the court and the visitations are in a controlled environment...and they usually last a few hrs per visit. Of course the judge will determine whether or not the visitations require supervision, so I suggest starting with a mediator...this way, you and your ex can go thru him/her and see if the problem(s) can be resolved..and the mediator gives his/her report to a judge and if the problem cant be resolved then that report(s) will help the judge to decide on the supervised visitations. I hope I explained this ok..I have been dealing with a sick 15 month old all this week and havent had much sleep. Good luck and God Bless

This is a tough one??? Talk to you son to see whats the problem with his dad because for every action there is a reaction. If you truly don't want to deal with the situation then dont but understand there will be consequences for you or your son or even his father.

Good Luck and God bless

sounds like someone needs to go to the courts and get supervised visits set up.he needs parenting classes as well..at the age of 12 in most states the child has the right to say no more visits..til then obey court orders

I think all of you need to see a therapist. Your son will begin to show this saction at home and in school. Good luck.

I would stop answering my phone. I had a similar situation with my ex and visitation with my son. I would have to cancel plans to pick him up. The next time he goes just don't answer your phone. He will have to deal with his behavior and learn how to discipline him. Your son will also learn how to act and respect his father once he does this and will behave too. I had to remind my ex that in a few years (about 10-12 yrs old) that he may not want to visit with you anymore since sports & friends come a major priority to them and I will never force visitation once he requests not to go. (he is 10 now and has skipped weekends with dad for birthday parties and such with friends).

Good luck.

The father has a right to see his child. That being said, your son has the right to having a father who can be a real father. Once you become a parent, you have the role during the good times and the bad. Maybe your husband needs to hear this and be reminded that he is the adult and needs to take control of the situation when it is in his home. Maybe he just needs some suggestions on how to handle the situation. It may also help if you talk to your son and explain to him that dad wants to see him, but not when he acts like that and that behavior is not acceptable. As long as there are no outside factors of why your son should not be at his father's house, I don't think a 5 year old should dictate the schedule. He is not old enough to make those decisions.

I agree with Julie AC. You need to leave him there and NOT run and get him. It will take a little time, but don't give in and it will get better. Can I just say...what is up with that language? That is so not acceptable! And from a 5 year old?? His father needs to put his foot down and discipline him. This little boy obvioulsy knows he can get away with this behaviour and his dad won't do anything but call mom. Dad needs to deal with this himself. Next time you drop him off, shut your phone off. Tell his dad that you will not be answering if he calls. Then he will have no choice but to handle his son on his own. It will benefit your son in the long run. Every little boy needs a good relationship with his dad. Leave the two of them alone to make their peace with each other. Do NOT go pick him up next time!! Good luck to you!

If you sit and think about it, the behavior isn't going to stop. The reason why is you and your ex are giving your son EXACTLY what he wants. He KNOWS that if he throws a fit and acts out, his mommy will come and get him. So, why wouldn't he throw fits? He should be told ahead of time that no matter what, he will be staying at his dad's house until such and such day and time, and your ex needs to know that no matter what, you will not be getting him. Once your son sees that his behavior is no longer getting him back to your house, it will get better. Your ex and you need to sit and discuss specific disciplinary actions for his behavior and stick with it. Otherwise, it's not going to change on its own.

Your ex needs to take control of your son and disipline him so that he behaves.Make yourself unavailable to go pick him up, don't answer the phone make him take responsibility, He is a father.If I had ever spoke that way to an Adult I would have had my mouth washed out with soap or maybe even been back handed.Children are suppose to respect thier elders, if he can't maybe he needs a good old fashioned spanking.

I just wanted to point out that yes you would be wrong to stop visitation, you have a court order, your ex could sue you for custody based on you with holding your son, and you could be held in contempt of court. My Ex has the same problems but my kids want to go over, then they get there and act up because it's so different and I get the calls. I refuse to go get them though, I'll talk to them and remind them that mommy and daddy talk even if we aren't married and the rules that apply here do there as well, or they can come home and be grounded for their behavior, they are 8 and 6.
and I'm sorry but your son picked up the F word in regards to your ex somewhere, could it be that maybe you don't show him enough respect in front of your son and he's picking up on it, or that he thinks you don't want him to go so he doesn't want to go? even the smallest offhand dig towards your ex in front of your son will be heard by him and held onto, and your son wants nothing more than for you to approve of him and want him and obviously he thinks disrespecting his father is ok.

you drop him off- and the ex can bring him back. Don't go picking him up! If he can't handle his own child, then you need to have a serious talk with the man- AND the child. Tell your child that he is not to behave that way- not talk to anyone like that- EVER. Also- find out where he heard such trash- and eliminate that place altogether. Tell your child he will be punished if any words like those come out his mouth again. My daughter learned once- well- with DAWN dishsoap (they say it is the nastiest!)

good luck.

It is time for discipline. No child should talk or act this way for his mom or his dad. Dad needs to have an active part in the discipline. Decide what the discipline will be- for a five year old, standing in the corner is good, at least one half hour each time; even increase time for repeat offenses.
Tantrums should not be tolerated- he is old enough to be done with those. A swat to the bottom to get his attention and then straight to the corner.
Any cuss words can be dealt with a bar of soap to the mouth. Yes, I did it to my kids and it stops it right away.
Go over the punishments with your ex and make it clear that your son is not to get away with anything. He is to punish him as much as you are. When you are talking to your ex and he tells you what your son did wrong, you should be letting your child know it is wrong and he is to behave at their house like he does at your house.
You should also be telling him that he has to visit his dad, he will not get out of it even if he throws a fit and you are not going to come get him.
Your child knows exactly what he is doing and pitting mom against dad is working for him right now; you need to stop it before he gets any older. I raised 3 kids and it is hard even when mom and dad are together; being apart makes it harder on everyone, but you have an obligation to raise a respectful, caring adult. You and your ex should stick together on this. And when he is in school, parents and teacher need to stick together. Your son will behave better and respect adults because of it.

My son just turned 8 yesterday and I too have to deal with visitation with his dad. My son acts completely different for his dad because his dad does not make him behave. When we first got divorced he would call me and expect me to discipline him over the phone or come and get him. After a couple of months of this I finally had to tell him that he was going to have to be in charge when he had him. I also talked to my son about his behavior and told him that I would not be picking him up anymore when his dad called me. It has gotten better but he is still a completely different child when he is with his dad. His father lets him get away with a lot more than I do. Good Luck! If you want to talk more, please email me.
A.

have you talked with your son to ask why he doesn't want to go and acts out while he is there, does his father have bad behavior. If there is something going on at the father's house that is uncalled for, than yes it would be wise to look at stopping visitation; however there should be a realistic reason to stop the visitation. It could be that your son is angry about the divorce and maybe he is blaming one parent over the other. Also, the father should be telling you of the problems, but instead of telling you to come get your son, he should handle it himself. He is showing your son that you are the only one who is going to do something, which will only make things harder for everyone. Obviously, you feel bad about what is happening with you son, but perhaps if the father has to keep him and handle the behavior, your son will come out of it. Because you said the father keeps wanting to try again, that means he wants to see his son, but he cannot turn to you every time your son doesn't behave. He needs to learn that being parent is not always fun, sometimes its hard and you have to do things you don't like. Parents unfortunately cannot always be buddies with their kids, sometimes they have to be the "bad guy" in the children's eyes. Sounds like he doesn't want to do the dirty work.

First, YES, it's wrong to stop the visitation. He's 5, he doesn't get to decide.
Second, it's not your job to handle your ex's problems. Tell him that unless he's bleeding or broken, you don't want a phone call. Your son is never going to stop what he's doing if you reward him by bringing him home every time he throws a fit. If your husband can't figure out how to deal with him, offer suggestions of how you deal with certain situations.
I also think they need to see a counselor. Your son is acting out in response to a situation he needs to learn to deal with because it's not going to change. But it's not your job to make it better, it's his father's.

On a different note...where did he hear language like that? Whoever speaks like that around him needs to quit NOW. He'll start using it at school in the fall.

First I would want to know where my 5 year old learned language like that and he would be disciplined for using that kind of language and taught not to ever speak like that again.

Second I would find out why he is acting out at his fathers, what is the issue, why doesnt he want to go? He may be doing all of this for all the attention or there could be something serious.