Fearing Dinner Party

Offer to pay for a hotel for them! Also tell them that due to certain rooms having unsafe things for children, those rooms will be off limits.

I have recently come to the understwanding that life is too short for doing what makes you and your family unhappy. Holidays are meant for spending time qith the people you care about and who care about you. I sqay let them come to your house, but discipline their children just as you would your own. If your brother and his wife have a problem with it just simply (and calmly with a smile on your face) explain that these are the rules in your home, if they and their children cannot abide by them they are not welcome. Life is too short to waste time on feeling a neccessity to be nice to someone you just don't have good feelings toward. Good Luck.

This is YOUR home- not theirs. Either a) tell the kids up front that there is no roughhousing, b) tell your Mom to pay for their damage since she invited them or c) uninvite them.

Honestly, I would deal with option c first. These people obviously care nothing towards you, made hurtful remarks to you, and damaged your house and your health. This is not the actions of a loving family. Offer to find them a hotel room and pay the costs of the first night only (gives them the hint that they can't overstay their welcome). Let them know that YOU did not invite them. Heck, get your MOM to uninvite them.

It is your house and your life- there is no ettiquette being broken except by them for showing up uninvited. They should have at least checked with you first before accepting.

I agree have them stay at a hotel. they can come for the dinner and the party, but i would not let them stay their entire visit. but hopefully these children are pretty well behaved now that they're older. and i would say something to your brother and his wife if the children start to get out of control. obiviously they get to do what they want at their house so they take this behavior everywhere else.

Well, the way I see it you can do one of two things. You can put up with it, maybe try and plan things to keep the kids busy so they won't break things, or; you have the right to uninvite them. It is your house and no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. I know how you feel though, I hate having my brother and his family over, not that their kids destroy things because I make sure they clean up before they leave or they don't go anywhere, but they are just idiots. I know that is bad to say about your own niece and nephew, but man, I don't think I have ever seen kids as stupid as they are. Anyway, It is your house and you are in charge of it. I would say you need to put your foot down. Your brother is an adult and will eventually get over it or at least you won't ever have to worry about them coming over and messing things up again. Good luck, let me know how it goes.
D.

You have lots of good advice already, but I just wanted to say that when your sis-in-law said this:

Before I had children I had some miscarriages and she told me "it was because I didn't deserve to be a mother."

that she was horribly wrong and I hope you know that. I don't know if I could put up with having someone like her in my home!

((P.))

First your request was a little hard to read and I am a bit confused but I think I understand last time they were there for a week and this time they are only coming for the meal and after-party.
If this is the case I am sure things will be better. In one day children don't usually get so bored that they get destructive. If you keep children busy and "on task" you won't have a problem. If they will be there for a longer period of time I recommend a posted list of rules (that your children also follow) with a posted list of consequences. Show it to THEIR parents and them when they arrive. Ask THEIR parents to approve and enforce your house rules. If they refuse kindly inform them they can not stay after dinner. Period. Don't argue, don't cry, don't bring up random things they said in the past regarding you or your pregnancy loses. Don't invite other people into the discussion.

First I would explain that you do not have space for them to sleep at the house or somehow get them to understand that your home is not available for overnight company. That would eliminate the long term problem. Then I would try to talk to your brother about what happened the previous time he was there and explain that you do not want to be his children's disciplinarian when you are going to be dealing with dinner and your own child. Hopefully he will listen.

Hi P.,
I know how you feel. My brother doesn't seem to disipline his kids either...except his kids don't trash my house. I think if they don't disipline the kids then why shouldn't you. After all it's your home your protecting. I also think that since your mom invited them she should put them up. why do they have to stay at your house? This would be a good time for "grandma" to spend some time with her grandkids. Also you could always use the "too many people" excuse. The last time they were there you only had one child and they had two, now there are two extra kids. Tell them that it would be too chaotic and space is limited. I also wouldn't want my sister-n-law staying with me after what she said. I'm sorry you went through miscarriages and obviously you are a great parent and have a good handle on your children...unlike the sister-n-law!
I am also having Thanksgiving dinner for my family and am looking forward to it. You should be as well. I'd say since your having the dinner everyone else can work out the other issues, you have enough to deal with already just preparing the meal. Good luck and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!

L.

If it's bothering you that much you need to just let them know that you'd appreciate it if while they were there they took a little more time out keeping an eye on their kids and keeping them in line because in the past you felt stressed out about you being the one to deal with them. If he's not mature enough to just hear you for what you have to say and not be offended then let him get mad. Why should you let your belongings and home be destroyed just to not step on anyone's toes? You have children of your own who are your responsibility so they should handle their responsibilities just as anyone else who has children do. Just ask yourself if it were the other way around, would they confront you if it were your children misbehaving in their home and causing them stress? If the answer is yes, then definitly don't feel guilty speaking your mind.

I sort of have the same problem with my friends kids. She has three kids and lets them run around crazy at my home. I didn't know what to do at first but then I got an idea from my aunt and it works good. Not great but it works enough to make the children manageable. I wrote a list of all my house rules and hung it on my refrigerator. I explained to my child the rules which he already knew. I told him when his friends or cousins come over we should explain our house rules and explain to them that if the rules are not followed then they (including my son) would be in trouble. This worked because I was not making it known that it was her children that I was having problems with and my son had to follow the same rules. If this don't work then you might want to have a talk with your brother. When children start breaking and destroying your stuff its gone way to far. Your brother should have enought respect for you and your things to understand where you are coming from. I hope it works out for you. Let me know how it goes. I wish you the best!!! M.

One word - RESTAURANT!

T.

I feel so sorry for you!!! But I know how you feel. I have a good friend who's kids are like that. I would say something from the very beginning as they are walking in, and I would address it to everyone in the family so it's not that you are pointing fingers. Say something to the effect. I know that everyone is very excited that we are all getting together but with having Thanksgiving dinner and a birthday party and I would like my house to stay in order since there is so much going on.

I babysit at home and the thing I always tell my daughter infront of either the kids parents or aunts or uncles, "We DO NOT act that way." Maybe if your brothers kids are getting your kids crazy that always works for me. It not only lets your kids know it's not okay to act out when other kids do but it also opens the eyes of the other parents.

I hope this will help you out a little.

P.,

I know this one! I read it somewhere! lol You just say you will put them up in a motel/hotel! Yes, I know that's expensive, but hopefully they will be half way decent and won't make you pay. They will get the message. Just say that you want to enjoy their visit and know that they will be more comfortable in a hotel. Their kids will love it too! The price is worth it for your piece of mind! Find an economy hotel.

I completely understand the position you are in. My 3 year old nephew is a little tornado when he comes over. I baby sit occasionally for my sister, who is a single mom, so she can go to work. Recently, he got into the finger paints and smeared them all over my kids' bed. My sister picks him up and never cleans anything up. She also usually leaves his things behind all over my house. It can be quite annoying.

I also have a good friend of the family who comes over all the time and her kids are the same way. Her four year old daughter loves dress up and pulls everything out of my kids' dresser drawers every time she comes over. Finally, I put out a bin with clothes that she could play dress up with and told her she can only get clothes from that bin but not the drawers. That usually works. Her 18 month old son also gets into things as they do at that age. My friend helps clean up a little before she leaves, but that usually involves stacking things in a pile. She doesn't really know where things go anyway.

The only I advice that I can give is to prepare by putting things out of reach that are breakable, can make a mess, or have many pieces. Only keep things available that are easy to clean up. Also, try to keep an eye on them as much as possible and redirect them when you need to. Sometimes saying it loud enough for the parents to hear can lead them to follow up with "Aunt . . . says not to do that."

Expecting them to discipline in the same what that you do is unreasonable and unrealistic. But, you can expect them to respect certain rules in your home.

If they are from out of town, have them stay in a hotel rather than at your house. Seriously. I have to do that with my husband's relatives sometimes to keep my sanity, and it actually works quite well. I suggest putting anything that is breakable and irreplaceable/sentimental in a safe place, explaining to your kids ahead of time that you expect them to be on their best behavior and regardless of how their cousins act, they need to be good (give an incentive if you need to), and set a time frame for the dinner and party or else it will lag on all day and there is more potential for conflict and things getting broken. Just tell your mom that the dinner is from this time to this time, and ask her to pass that on to your brother. You definitely have a right to enforce rules in your house. It's your house, and they need to respect the rules of the house they are in, whether their parents like it or not. Another suggestion- you may want to have activities planned for the kids to keep them busy and out of trouble so they don't tear up your house- a baking project, or craft, or game, whatever you think will work. Use prizes, rewarding the kids that are behaving the most. Hopefully the other kids will catch on. It's horrible that they told you that you didn't deserve to be a mother, but, look at this way- she's already getting what she deserves by having horrible, undisciplined kids! That's way worse than anything she could ever say to you (although that pretty much takes the cake)! =) Best of luck! Deep breaths, and if all else fails, kick the kids outside! Pray for snow! =)

Now I'm laughing because I just read through a few of the other posts, and I'm not the only one who suggested a hotel!!

Growing up we had year after year of dreading Thanksgiving because it meant my rude Uncle and his destructive kids (and rude wife) were coming. My parents were too nice to tell them no, or to behave, so we always hated Thanksgiving. Then my mom woke up one day and said "Enough is Enough." She told them to be nice and behave, or don't come. They didn't, and it was the most fun, nicest Thanksgiving we ever had (and the years after that too!). You owe it to your children to tell your brother to stay with your Mom or at a hotel, and that his children WILL behave in your house. I agree - Life is too short being nice to people who don't respect you or your family. It really wouldn't be bad if he doesn't talk to you, then. You won't have to worry about the damage to your home, peace of mind, or your emotions! Good luck, and be strong! : )