Dealing with Unreasonable Mother

Dear M. -

Don't cancel the trip.

Don't give in to her protestations.

Hold the line, gently, but firmly.

"Mom, I love you, but we're staying in a hotel so we can all get a good nights' sleep."

"Mom, I'm not doing this to hurt your feelings. I'm doing this to be practical."

"Mom, I'm not going to argue with you over this. I love you, we'll be there every waking moment, but we're sleeping at the hotel."

Just be firm. If she wants to have a hissy fit, she will. She clearly has too much on her plate as it is, and you are doing the right thing. She needs to let go, but you're going to have to make her do it, clearly!

Have a great T-Day -- she'll get over it, and you will be rested!

J.

Call an RV rental place and have it ready and parked in front of your parent's home. That way, you will have sleep privacy, it will seem fun for the kids, like they are camping out, and you will have that little bit of seperation from the chaos that is always present when you have loads of people in one little house.

That said, unless this is typical behaviour for your mom, cut her some slack. She is likely dealing with the stress of having her husband chronically ill and the fear of losing him, and the guilt of not being able to care for him herself, and having a grown child and fiance' with two dogs living with her. Stress makes us do crazy things sometimes.

Maybe the RV parked out front will be a compromise for both of you that will make everyone happy. Hang in there!

We had a situation similar to yours, and we ended up renting a large motor home in my parents town and parked it outside the house for our visit. We had a place to stay and privacy. Our children had a room to sleep in of their own and we all were happy. Mother felt like we were right there to chat with all night if we wanted. Problem solved for us.
Hope this helps.

She is being unreasonable, you are not being selfish. It seems to make the most sense to stay at a hotel. But I think the important thing to remember as you prepare for the visit, is that your mom seems to be experiencing a lot of anxiety (who wouldn't in her shoes?) and it's perhaps easiest to pin it on your plans than to really deal with it. I think what may get you all through it the best is for you to muster all your patience and understanding, and to reassure her that it's going to be fine, great, wonderful to see each other. Try to steer conversations away from accommodations (even suggest that the hotel plan is a backup, a safety net, let's not worry about that now, Mom...) to focus instead on the real stuff -- activities, dinner, shopping. Ask her how you can help, start divvying up responsibilities; planning things in advance may make her feel more in control and ease some anxiety. There's a lot going on for all of you... you can borrow something my husband and I do when we head into time with my family -- we drive the Positive Attitude Bus. I have even been known to ask other people in the family to get on! It's hard when people are negative or aggressive, but you can control your own vibe, so try to bring a good one to the group. Best of luck!

Wow, a lot of people really have mother issues, don't they? I don't think this is your problem, though--your mom is dealing with grieving over your dad and had an idealized vision of all of you being together over the most family-oriented holiday we celebrate, perhaps for the last time. That's a lot of baggage to be carrying, so I wouldn't assume it's either selfish or unreasonable--you're just getting the projected grief.

First, you can't make that point to her over the phone. If there is any way you can go a day before your other brother and spend one night, with your kids, at her house, the two of you can have that talk. If that is not possible, maybe she can have a space for the kids to nap and they could stay one or two nights with her, with you and your husband leaving after they are asleep and have had a long day there? Your youngest brother is going to have to give up one of his 2 rooms, for sure (maybe HE should stay at the hotel!)to make your mom's dream more attainable. But try your hardest to at least give her plenty of time with the kids running around the house to divert her--that is what she is looking for, I'd be willing to bet. This is not about her controlling you, it's about her getting a family holiday in a life which is getting lonlier by the day. And you will get the same thing, which may not even be possible for much longer. (Sadly, I do know what I'm saying...hoping my dad holds on until Thanksgiving when I will see him probably for the last time.)
I hope it works out for you to go, and you have a wonderful holiday that your oldest, at least, will remember with his grandparents. He can tell the younger one the stories later, but I hope that will be his best holiday gift this year.

Hi M.!

I don't think you're being selfish, but I don't think your mom is being unreasonable either. It just sounds like she "needs" you, and has been waiting for Thanksgiving to finally get a chance to be with you.

I understand the need for our kids to sleep "somewhere", but truthfully, they can sleep anywhere! It's a little more work as a mother to get them to sleep in a "strange" enviroment, but it can be done.

My husband and I sleep in our Trailer, or we rented a Motor Home (before we had our trailer)for visits like that. This way we could bring a monitor for the kids, yet still be a part of everything.

Please don't cancel your trip for Thanksgiving, although I understand your stress (I've got my own problems with Thanksgiving right now). Just simply be there for your mom. She obviously needs you in her life, and hearing that you won't be around for "late night chats" or early morning coffee is simply not want she wanted to hear.

I hope it all works out for you, M..

~N.

It sounds to me like your mother has a lot on her plate and had made her mind up about how she thought her holidays would go, not really considering the reality of the living situation. I think you should still attend and let her have her meltdown, but maybe take some time alone with her to show her that things are still the same, it's still an awesome holiday, it's just different because of different times. Maybe let the grandkids stay the night there one night and let you and your hubby have a free night away. Her getting the grandkids to herself might give her that extra bit of "special" she is craving this season.

good luck
K.

since u would likely be more comfortable staying in a hotel, i'd suggest just stating and restating as many times as needed,"thank u mom, but we've decided to stay at a hotel." don't need to justify or explain your decision at all, nor to "calm" your mom...SHE is responsible for her own emotions. u have set what appears to be a healthy boundary (staying elsewhere) and your mom is testing it...again, just stick to a few words, no explanation needed. i CAN relate to similar family issues and how other members tend to protest when u set healthy boundaries for yourself..........hang in there......plan to enjoy the holiday NO MATTER what your mom says or does!

Dear M.,

Happy Holidays---Bet you can hardly wait til Christmas!

DAD IS SICK AND REQUIRES A LIVE-IN CAREGIVER

Your younger brother and his fiancé “should” be the most well equipped to assist in the daily needs of your father. Since your Mom has hired a live-in caregiver, I suspect this may not be the case.

As much as you and your other brother love your Dad, you may not be prepared to take care of him while you are there, without the assistance of his caregiver. If you are, give the caregiver a paid holiday and do not plan on using the room he lives in as family space. If he lives there it is his private room and should not be disturbed.

If your Dad has a good caregiver, it would be foolish to fire him because of the holidays. A compassionate, competent and reliable caregiver is hard to find.

MOM IS DEPRESSED, CRYING AND HAVING ANXIETY ATTACKS

I can tell you from experience it is depressing to watch someone you love slowly deteriorate. Your Mother may be terrified at the prospect of losing her life’s mate, and wants all her children and grandchildren around her, even if it’s just for a few days each year. OR your Mother might be the biggest pain in the YOU KNOW WHAT and always wants things her way. Either way, she is your Mother.

YOUNGER BROTHER, FIANCE AND TWO DOGS LIVE WITH MOM AND DAD

You didn’t mention the circumstances, but that could be a part of your Mother’s angst. If anyone should be “inconvenienced”, it should be these two. They could sleep on the floor, couch, air mattress, etc. and give you and your brother’s family the private rooms.

I am a dog lover, but if I had two small children I would be very careful about having them around dogs that are not use to children.

O.K. WITH MOM THAT OLDER BROTHER AND HIS FAMILY STAY IN HOTEL

I hope this doesn’t hurt your Brother’s feelings. Could it be Mom and Sister-in-law don’t get along?

You haven’t seen your Brother in two years and need to spend some quality time with him. That shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

LASTLY….No, you are not being selfish, you have been placed in a difficult position. I like the idea of an RV or trailer on-site at the family home. There may be a rental place in or near your parent’s city. This would provide sleeping space and privacy when needed.

Blessings to All……..We will be waiting to hear “SO WHAT HAPPENED”

You are not being unreasonable -- your mother is. She may well be depressed because of your father's condition, but her threat to fire the care provider to free up his room is of concern. One would hope that she would not deprive your father of the care he requires because she needs to have her entire family under her roof and under her control. Yes, she is probably depressed because of your father's condition. She is probably also frightened. Her depression may be made worse by your younger brother and his fiancee living at the house. Are they occupying 2 rooms or do they have one and the 2 dogs have the other? (Bad joke.)

The element of most concern is that she appears to want to subject you and your family to this crowded and contentious environment. She should accept any arrangement that her pregnant daughter finds desirable. I assume her behavior is not winning points with your husband either.

She needs to get expert help in how to deal with the responsibilities she faces. You need to verify that your father is being cared for appropriately.

Stand your ground. I'm 78 and I've seen many cases of depression -- and many cases of the need to control.

We have this issue every time we go back east to visit our families. There is more room at my sister's house than my parent's house, so it is more pleasant to stay with my sister. My mother's feelings are always hurt when we do this. The last trip we split it up, stayed half and half. It really wasn't too bad at my parent's despite not having a lot of space, we made it work. My parent's were so excited to have us there that they went out of there way to make it work and keep everyone happy. It was actually really pleasant. Because we made the effort and stayed at her house, she was so much more pleasant to everyone, including the days we were staying at my sister's, so it just worked out for us. We had four people staying in one tiny bedroom, but somehow it worked out. Maybe you could compromise with her and stay a couple of nights? In the past we weren't willing to compromise and it made her so unhappy that no one was happy when we were around her, which was most of the trip. Plus, when we wanted to go off and do other things while we were staying with her she was more agreeable about it, because she knew we would be coming back later and visiting with her and my dad. Chances are your mom is just feeling completely overwhelmed and was looking forward to you being right by her side for a little while. She had her heart set on you staying there, so with you not, she is feeling very disappointed. I think if you try to talk to her in a very confrontational way she may be more receptive to a change in plans. Also, is there a way that your brother who lives with her full-time may be willing to take your place at the hotel for your stay so you can make it work at your mom's? Don't know if that would work, but it may be worth a shot.

I certainly do not think you are being selfish or hurtful! You are making a very sensible decision. First, if it were me, I would tell your mom how much you love her and that your decision has nothing to do with her - you're just being practical. I suspect that your mom (like so many) has an illusion/fantasy of perfect happiness during the holidays - the idea that we're all one, big happy family and all is perfect. This is a myth and only causes pain and unhappiness and unreal expectations that no one could possibly live up to. Your father's caretaker is an important person in your family now, and should be given proper respect - and not kicked out just to give someone extra space. This is not what the holidays are about.

Your mom also, may be under a lot of stress due to your father's illness (and your brother and his family living there) and this may be causing her a lot of anxiety - she is trying for perfection in an unperfect situation. Tell her it's ok - reassure her, give her emotional support (which she may not realize how much she needs it). None of us have perfect families or lives. I hope this helps some.

You are not being unreasonable. All moms know when kids don't get thier sleep it can reuin the whole day and it is almost inevitable if their are multiple nights back to back. If they are anything like my kids they cannot sleep when there is something going on - they don't want to miss anything - and it sounds like with a house that full there will constantly be something going on.

I would suggest that for some of the nights - not all - you invite your mom to the hotel room. Then she can have a slumber party with the kids. She won't feel excluded by you & adding one person won't turn your mellow hotel room upside-down.

I wish you the best!!

M.,

Could it be that your mother is feeling guilty because she thinks she should be providing you and your family a place to stay? It might be that she doesn't know how to cope with not being able to manage your dad on her own and now your family isn't staying at her home (where she feels you ought to stay) and blames herself. If she's not upset with your brother it's probably because she sees he and his family all of the time. Explain to her that your father needs his caretaker and that firing him over this would be a mistake. Then try to reassure her that you are not put out by staying down the street and that you'll spend just as much time with her. Then, If it were my mom, I'd tell her that I love her and that you'll all still have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Most of the time if you're calm and rational and try to take the guilt away from someone's conscious it helps to settle them down. Good luck with your trip.

Hmm, my mother is like that too. I would just say that while you love her dearly, this would be the least stressful solution for you. With a bun in the oven, you need as little stress as possible. Does the hotel have a spa/pool? Maybe you can tell her you would LOVE to send the guys and kids away for some R&R WITH your mom, have her come to the hotel and relax? I wish I was more help. Good luck.

I would ver calmly tell tour mom that your dads health has to come first and that firing his care giver would be unreasonable.

I would remind her that both you and your brothers families have grown and that you all need more sleeping space - especially if you are expecting.

Remind her you love her and that you are doing this so you can spend more time enjoying her without her having to have the burden of blowing up mattresses and sleeping bags everyday of your trip. So she doesnt have all the extra laundry and cleaning of showers and you all can use that extra time to enjoy each other

No, you are not being unreasonable. The RV idea is really good. You mom just may need time to adjust her ideal of the holiday. I too, like everyone around, but not at the expense of making people uncomfortable.
Just hang tight, if you feel you are doing the right thing for your family, then don't let your mom make you feel bad.
Just remind her you love her and know she is a big girl and will get over it with time.
Best wishes...

Tell mom that regardless of her firing, hiring or laying off anyone, the sleeping arrangements are for the sake of her grandchildren, who need a room to sleep in and that you will be doing what you already planned.

Let her know that your love for her, you dad and your family has nothing to do with the decisions you have made on behalf of your little children who need a quiet place to sleep.

If she continues to make your life miserable, ask her if it might be better if you cancel the trip and each of you visit another time when there won't be so much strain on anyone. It is not selfish to look out for the interests of you children. She is just not thinking this through and acting emotionally. Let her know you love her, but that you are resolved to do this or to stay home. Otherwise you are opening the door to more drama.

Good luck

Your decision to stay at the hotel is a valid one - stick to it. I did note that your mother appears to know she's having depression problems and or coping problems (based on what you wrote). Has she seen her doctor about this? If not she really should. I'm sure it won't happen at the holidays, but perhaps the brother living with her can gently start nudging her to do so. It sounds like she's losing control over her life due to your fathers illness, having to start relying on others help for him, may be worried about finances etc. and is just plain sad as well. She may need some counseling or a support group to help deal with a spouse with a debilitating/terminal illness or possibly some antidepressants. Good luck to you. You are doing the right thing by going to visit anyway.

You and your family must bring a lot of joy to your mom. She is most likely being nostalgic remembering past holidays when your family was able to be there even in the waking hours. Being one of five children I can attest to the fact my parents wouldn't have the same requests of all their kids. She just wants, especially in this highly emmotional time of dealing with fathers devastating disease, to have you around as much as she can. Instead of looking at her as selfish, you could see it from her hurting perspective. Maybe you could give your brother a break and pretend vacation and they stay at the hotel while you stay at the house?

Dear M.,
It sounds as though your mother is not thinking rationally at the moment. With your dad's illness and everything else that is going on, I wonder if any slightest thing might have sent her over the edge. However, I wouldn't let her guilt trip you into changing your plans.
You know, some people actually like the chaos of having a bunch of people staying with them and camped out all over the place. I, personally, am not one of them. It makes me a nervous wreck. My sister, on the other hand, thinks the more, the merrier.
I would try talking to your mom again. See if perhaps she has calmed down a bit. Tell her you are concerned for her because of her anxiety and her statement that she is going deeper into her depression. If that's the case, the depression was already an issue and she needs to seek help for that. (You also need to know that the depression is not a result of anything you have done). My mother-in-law had to have medication and get counselling to help her cope with her husband's illness and severe dementia/abusive behavior. It's not uncommon or something to be ashamed of, and she needs to be taking care of herself as well.
Flying off the handle and firing the caregiver over a Thanksgiving visit would be the worst possible, irrational thing she could do. Tell your mom that you are so thankful for the help and care that is provided by that person. He's not a relative. He may be like part of the family because he lives there and is so involved in the care of your father, but he shouldn't have to "air mattress it". I know from personal experience with my father-in-law, good care providers are hard to find and you do NOT want to lose that person.
Say, "Mom...I love you with all my heart. I'm looking forward to our visit. I'm just trying to think logically about this Mom. I know you have your heart set on us sleeping at your house, and you feel I'm not considering your feelings, but you're not considering the fact that I have a 5 year old and a toddler, PLUS I'm pregnant. I need to sleep and my kids need to sleep. Not only that, but we can leave our luggage at the hotel instead of having that all over the house. You're already stressed out, Mom. I want to alleviate adding to it so we can all have a wonderful holiday together. You getting so upset about this is really concerning me."
See what she says.
If you haven't seen her in a while, things may be more difficult for her to handle than you realized and she may need some help as well.
The other thing I was thinking.....
Why can't the youngest brother and his fiance and their dogs be the ones to sleep in the living room instead of taking up two bedrooms? Your mother would rather ditch the caregiver than think of that option?
Do you have dogs by any chance?
I don't. I like them from afar, but I cannot stand staying anywhere with dogs in the house. I don't care how cute they are. The only exception is my sister's dog because I can pat her on the head and greet her and then she goes away. She sleeps in my sister's room and I never have to deal with her jumping on me or anything.
Anyway, you are not being selfish and you don't need excuses....you have very valid reasons for the decision you made. The sooner your mother can calm down and accept it, the sooner you can all get on with planning and looking forward to a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Try not to get yourself too upset about all this and I wish you the very best.

M. ~ WOW!! Sounds like you have a lot to deal with this year for Thanksgiving! I guess I don't understand why your brother and his fiance take up 2 rooms? Maybe they could give up their rooms? Although, I know that causes problems too! I think that you are being reasonable in finding other accomodations for your family. When I first read this it made me very angry that your mother was acting this way, and my first reaction was to tell you to turn it right back around on her and tell her that she is not thinking of your feelings, but as I sat here and thought about it for a minute, trying to think about her perspective, I realized that she is probably dealing with a lot of stress with your father being ill, and maybe she feels this might be your last holiday "all together". I don't know how far you live from her, are you driving, flying? Are you familiar with the area? I was wondering if maybe you could rent like an RV or a trailer? I know that there are places in my area where you could do that, and if you did it from somewhere near her house, you wouldn't have to pay a bunch in gas! Then you could be right in her driveway! I don't know if that would work, but I think it would be a good compromise as you would be able to have your own space, and it could be a little bit like camping out! I do think that it is totally unreasonable of your mother to FIRE THE CARETAKER because of all of this! What a horrible thing to say.....I hope that she doesn't follow through with that! I would try to make it very clear to her that firing him would be completely unacceptable! It sounds like you are the only girl, and usually Moms have a different relationship with their daughters than their sons, maybe that is why she is not as upset about your brother staying in a hotel down the road? I also think that maybe you could explain to your Mom that you would really like for your kids to be in a good disposition while you are there visiting, and if they don't get the sleep that they need you are afraid that it will affect everyone around! I don't know, I hope that I have given you something to work with! You are truly in a tough situation, and I really feel for you! I will be praying for your family that things get resolved in a peaceful manner before you leave so that you are not dreading your time there! and please!!!! Post a follow up so we know how it went, or just send me a message if you don't mind, I would like to know how things work out for you! Blessings ~ Janine

I can't believe that your mother is acting that way. She should be grateful that you are staying in a hotel and not putting more pressure on the household. I would not cancel the trip for her behavior; however, I would stick with the plan of staying in the hotel. How to tell your mom this, no clue. I guess you could just tell her that plans have been made for the hotel which will help with showers and everyone just sleeping comfortably. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

HI M.,

I read your story and I really felt bad with your situation. First of all dont feel so bad that you think your being selfish or being unreasonable. I think your mom is just feeling guilty that she cannot provide a room for your family and she feels that she should because she invited you guys over. Another thing is that she may be feeling less wanted and loved because of the fact that you guys are staying in a hotel and not her house.
I think what you should try to do is to let her know that you guys miss her and is really looking forward to seeing her and ofcourse your dad and brother, and that staying in a hotel is to just give all of you guys including them comfort and privacy during the night. This will not take the time that you guys should be spending with them because the hotel is just for sleeping, you will be eating dinner at her house and be there for breakfast the next morning.
One other good thing you can do, instead of focusing into this issue plan with her the activities you guys are going to be doing with them during your stay, this way she mightr forget about the hotel stay.
Iam not really an expert but hope I gave you some good tips to resolve your problem

M

Hi M.,

You are in a tough situation. My mother is very similar to yours. She also suffers from anxiety and depression. She bought a run-down old farm house (3 bedroom/2 baths) a few years ago. One of the reasons being that she has this image in her head that the family could all get together for the holidays and stay with her. My mother has five children and 10 grandchildren. You can see how illogical and unreasonable this image is given the circumstances, yet she stands firm in her image of this as the ideal.

We live on the other side of the country, so this is only a really big issue when we visit. Last summer we had 15 of us staying with her. The children do sleep on sleeping bags on the floor in the main rooms, as well as adults sleeping on the sofa-beds. It is a nightmare in my opinion, especially when there is a baby that is fussing in the middle of the night and you have no where to go because there is a person sleeping in every room of the house. I have had major anxiety issues before and during our visits.

I have suggested that we all stay in cabins in a campground at a lake nearby. She wouldn't go for that. We've also talked about some of us staying at a motel, but nobody wants to be the one who goes... I have to admit there is a certain amount of camaraderie that develops from the closeness and chaos. The kids absolutely love it. It is like a huge week-long slumber party with all their cousins. And my generation all stays up late playing cards together and talking. It definitely would not be the same if some of us went off to sleep somewhere else.

The other thing to keep in mind is that your mother is not being rational. That is one of the symptoms of anxiety and depression. They get "locked in" on an idea and become very inflexible. It is not something she can control. (I have seen this close up in multiple family members and read a lot about it...) Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing that you can say or do to change her mind. Even on medication to treat the anxiety and depression, my mother still has this issue. (But it was MUCH worse when she wasn't on the medication.)

So, what you have to decide is how strongly you feel about having your own space. And how important is it to you to try to work this out so she is not unhappy. Etc. Are there any other options? For example, could you put the caretaker up in the hotel? That would free up the guestroom without firing him. It could be the main issue is that she doesn't want to miss out on any time with your kids. Perhaps your brother and his fiance could go to the hotel instead of you? Or perhaps all the kids could stay with her and some of the adults go to the hotel?

I would suggest talking this out with both of your brothers and/or their sig. others to see if you can come up with a solution everyone can live with. Try not to think of your mom as a badly behaving child having a tantrum (even though that is how it feels). Think of her as a not mentally healthy woman who is getting on in years and may not be around forever. Try to focus on how to best build lasting memories together, for all of you.

I hope this helps.
-D.

I totally agree with Anna A.'s advice! Your Mother needs her children right now emotionally! She is scared, everything in her life is changing and she needs to know hands down she is going to be ok and that her children will not be selfish and take care of her needs without a fight. A person should not have to fight for their needs and you have put her in that situation. She needs you and your family to be there! You are her daughter and like it or not you will be her rock, the one she will depend on. She doesn't want to beg or insist she just wants you to want her as much as she wants you! Have some compassion for her and don't make her feel she is unreasonable because she will just feel dissed!

Hmm. The holidays were made to be chaotic. Having family on air mattresses all around the house will probably be comforting to your mom. She wants to see the kids wake up first thing in the morning, and to smell coffee and breakfast cooking and share every moment will all of you together. Just make it like a "camping" trip.
With so many of you there, would it be possible to get a nice room for the caretaker instead and let him have some peace and quiet while you guys all help with the extra care for your dad? Caretaker can still be there for thanksgiving dinner if he's invited, but he can go home to a quiet motel suite and have a night of relaxation. Let us all know how this turns out, it sounds interesting.

Hi -- My parents are in their early 80's and live in the mid-west in a 4 bedroom. Every other year, we (me, husband, 2 children) visit for a week at Christmas. My sister also comes with her 2 kids and husband. My youngest sister, who lives near by, is at the house most of the time (every meal) with her two. Also my aunt, nearing 80, who always sleeps on the couch, and until recently my grandmother (in her late 90's). The big joke was the year we all woke up and found my brother-in-law asleep under the dining room table. My mother has always worked herself up over planning the perfect Christmas, and in the last few years all the commotion and meals has been stressful, even though the grandchildren are almost all in their teens now. On our last visit, we stayed in a hotel for the first time. When I told my mother our plan her reaction was: that isn't like family. And then she refused to talk any more. The compromise we worked out was that my sister and her family delayed coming a few days so we could stay at the house. We ALL stayed at the house Christmas Eve, so everyone would be there for Christmas morning. Then we moved to the hotel for the rest of the stay.
Now that my grandmother has passed away, my mother thinks there is enough room for everyone, but I can't sleep on the blow-up mattress in the living room (it makes me nauseous!), and I certainly don't think my parents should. Also, none of the grandchildren are willing to sleep in the bed where my grandmother died quietly in her sleep. So, I think we will attempt the same arrangement this visit. I just hope that this year no one gets sick...
I think you are really right to stay in a hotel at least part of the time. Maybe one or 2 nights your brother could stay at the hotel and you could stay at the house? I'm sure your mother is feeling that she sees you less often and that she is being deprived of her grandchildren. Best of luck.

Good luck. I run into this whenever we go up to visit my family. My mom (dad recently passed away) wants my husband, myself and our almost 2-year old daughter to stay in the house with her. I have used the excuse that my husband likes privacy and that seems to work. She didn't like it at first, but she has gotten used to the fact that when it is my daughter and me we will stay in the house but when my husband is with us that we stay at a hotel--also just for sleeping and the rest of the time we are at her house. My older sister and her husband normally stay at my parent's house. With all of us needing to shower/bathe every day and there only being 1 1/2 bathrooms, that in itself is a challenge.

You poor thing! First of all I think you are making the right decision for your family to stay in a hotel and your mother is being completely unreasonable. But having been through an extended family illness, I wanted to share my thoughts on her perspective. When you are living with chronic illness in your household it affects EVERYTHING that you do, every thought, every decision, every activity and that gets extremely difficult. Holidays and being with family is one thing to look forward to that can feel "normal." So I'm sure that to your mom, it is just killing her that the disease is even interfering with her ability to have her kids back in her house. It probably feels like her last bit of normalcy has been taken away from her.

I think if you let her know that you understand what she's feeling, and that you also wish everything could go back to normal, it would help. Tell her that you all just have to make the best out of a crappy situation, and you think staying at the hotel will make it more relaxing and easier on everyone, and it in no way means you don't want to stay with her.

My heart goes out to you and your family and I hope you are able to work this out and enjoy your Thanksgiving together!

Wow... She sees to be under a lot of stress and directing it at you and your "hotel" situation. I would stick to your guns becuase if you change your plans due to her tantrum, that will se the precident for future situations when she doent get her way. Kinda like a child ;) ...Or maybe this is normal fo rher to reAct like this until she gets her way? Explain to her again that your are staying at a hotel just to sleep, and that her self induced panic attacks and refusal to be uderstanding is only going to ruin everyones holiday. She needs to know that this isnt just about her and her feelings and she is being selfish (sorry!). All you can do is stay calm, stick to your guns and let her do what she's going to do. Its her perception and choice to react like this and your reasons for staying at a hotel are VERY reasonable and whats best for your family. good luck!

she is being unreasonable, and needs to realize things change, and accept it-you dont always get things your way-others need to be considered and that at least you are coming and not leaving early to go home but staying near to SLEEP! visiting is for awakening hours

Explain to your Mom that of course she's feeling a bunch of stress right now because so many different groups need to be accomodated at her house right now. You can appreciate it, but please don't take it out on you. Further explain that the kids will be better rested at night (and therefor have more fun during the day) without having so many people running around while they are trying to sleep. Also say that you need a place that is quiet for your own "pregnant down time" without expecting others to have to go out of their way to accomodate you.

You might also gently say that threatening to get rid of your Dad's care-taker is a bit vindictive (and will cause even more stress), and that you don't appreciate threats to your father's health as a means for your Mom to get her way.

Perhaps the three of you could offer to hire a kitchen helper to get some of the "grunt work" of the holiday out of the way. I am "assuming" that she was counting on more of your help than she thinks she will now get, since she wasn't upset about your other brother not staying there.

She is being unreasonable. She's only thinking of herself and not of anyone else's feelings or comfort. Tell her, don't ask her, what's going to happen over the holidays. Give her your itinerary of arrival and departure times, including arrival and departures of her house, and leave it at that. She may feel like she has a better handle on the situation if you let her know what times you'll be around. If she turns you away at the door, which she won't, that's her problem. You can still visit with your brother at the hotel if she does. Don't talk to her about it anymore. Just plan your trip and let your mother deal with her issues herself.

She won't let go of it until after the holidays are over and it's no longer an issue.

One year I had plans to visit my husband's family in Colorado. Every year prior to this, we've spent the holidays in California with my family. I got a nasty phone call from my sister that I am "ruining Christmas".

We went to Colorado anyhow and had a good time. My family survived Christmas just fine and everyone got over the big scary change just fine. Don't take it to heart and realize that your mother is dealing with a lot at her house with an ailing husband and a child who still hasn't moved out. She's caught in the middle and probably feels out of control and is grasping at anything to stop the spinning.

wow! I am so sorry your mom is acting like that. I would just lay it on the line. Mom we are staying in a hotel or we are staying home for the holidays! There is no reason why you should fire my dad's care taker when he is well needed right now. There are too many people to all stay at your house. We will be staying in a hotel end of story. Sometimes parents will take it out on the kid they know they can guilt trip. Don't let this ruin your Thanksgiving!! You need to go see your dad :)

Hi M.,
Your mom seems to be hanging on to the structure of her family with all she has. She is dealing with the pain of your father's disease progression and may be overwhelmed with the emotions of the holiday. I would stay at her home. Let her decide where the best place would be for everyone to sleep...she needs to feel some control during a very difficult time in her life. Can you imagine 30 years from now this being you, with your husband ill, and your children coming for Thanksgiving?
Good luck and enjoy the holiday!
K.

Your mother is being unreasonable!!! Stay at the hotel and be comfortable with your children. You many even want the break at the end of the night. I don't know your mom, so I don't know how to talk to her, just keep reminding her that your children are small and need a quiet space of their own to rest at night. You are a grown woman and you need to do what is best for you!! You are not doing anything wrong! You are not being selfish! She is making a big deal out of nothing & she should appreciate that you are even coming. Stick to your guns!!

A.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I think the hotel sounds like the only possible choice. You are not being selfish. I can understand you want to see your family but it does not sound like its going to be a lot of fun. I guess the best you can do is act nice, but don't give in. Still go to the hotel, enjoy the visit with your dad and brother. It sounds like your mom manipulates people by throwing fits and claiming depression. You can't change her, so don't let her get to you. do what's best for your family, try to enjoy your other relatives.

OOHHH!! I'm soo sorry. Your Mom is on overload. This has nothing to do with where you spend the night. My guess is that it's about your father's desease affecting everyones lives. It's too bad, but you are going to have to placate her and calm her and let her know that nothing will affect your holiday. Try not to discuss it at all and if she brings it up, change the subject to something you know will interest her even more. Be prepared each time you talk with her to change the subject several times. Keep a positive attitude and she will feed off of you. Let her know that the kids are really looking forward to staying at a hotel and it's only 2 miles away and even invite her there.

Whatever you do, do NOT give the impression that if she complains loudly enough or throws a big enough tantrum you will change your mind and stay with her. We know from dealing with little kids, that as long as you stand firm, they wont even try to sway you. Let her know that if she fires the care taker and frees the room, you still will NOT stay there this time. Tell her the reservation is non-refundable so she needs to not worry about it.

Oh honey--it's not you, it's her. Your mother sounds like a hard-core manipulator. Anxiety attacks? Deeper into her depression? If this minor incident is sending her there, she needs to be spending a lot more time with her therapist and a lot less time trying to make you feel guilty about HER feelings over the phone. They are her problem, and it sure sounds like with three children you have more than enough on your own plate. Your idea to stay in a hotel room is not only reasonable but imperative, it seems to me, to allow some space for yourself and your children during the week you plan to stay.

My mother is like this too. Once I had a child it got worse since I was no longer available to respond to her every need--she responded like a screaming toddler, just as you say. At that point it really hit home for me what was going on and I had to deal with some painful truths about our relationship. At this point in the process, I will only see her if she agrees not to beg me for anything, not to complain, not to create drama (if nothing's going on in her life, she'll do such things as release her cat into the wild so as to have something to obsess about) and not to guilt-trip me. It's not pleasant.

Good luck to you, I really feel your pain. Do what's best for yourself and your children--you have a right to your own feelings, plans, and life. Please feel free to email me if you'd like.

Best,
J.

Hi M.,

I was a caregiver of my husband for 12 years with Alzheimer's. When you care for someone like your dad (even though she has help) the caregiver is under an enormous amount of stress. Your mom is demonstrating that stress by being upset. Get a nice card and put it in writing how you are looking to come for Thanksgiving, however, you want the trip to be the best for everyone and if your children do not get their sleep and you and your husband is not well rested, you will all be stressed. Again, tell her you are looking forward to being there for her and your dad everyday to vist and see if she needs anything you can do to help in other ways. Again, reconfirm how much you love them and want to see them.

D.

i have not read all the responses but why can't your youngest brother and his finace leave the rooms for the family coming from out of town and give up both of the 2 rooms. are her parents in the same town that they could go stay with her family for the week or why not let the brother sleep on the couch and give up the room to you and your family. that just seems like the more sensable thing to do. or even pay for a hotel room for the care taker for the week i am sure he would not mind as long as the family helps out with taking care of dad while he is at the hotel. that way your mom could have her family under one roof and i am sure she is scared this may be a last thanksgiving with the entire family since it sounds like your dad is getting worse. i would not take it personally it is just a stressful time around the holidays and she probably just needs a little extra support

i'm sorry you're going through this. it sounds to me like she is being unreasonable. you are making the right decision staying where you and your husband will be more comfortable, not to mention your kids!!! not only do you deserve a comfortable place to sleep of YOUR choosing, but you have to make sure your childrens' needs are met. also, it sounds like she is a drama queen. why WOULD you want to stay there? maybe if she stepped off a bit and got off your back you would feel more comfortable staying there in the future.

maybe your mom's feelings of disappointment are manifesting in blaming you. the guilt trip think about going deeper into her depression and ewanting to fire the caregiver is completely inapprpriate. she probably just really misses you and doesn't know how to express it. nonetheless, you still have to stand up for what is right for you and your family. you are not just her daughter. you are a woman, a wife and a mom.

after all this is through i'll bet she'll respect your decision. good luck and keep your head up!

As everyone has said, your mom is being completely unreasonable. You've already tried to reason with her and maybe time will help her settle down. If not, would it make her happy to have just you stay and the rest of your family stay in the hotel? Maybe she'd like you to be around and could compromise. She could just really want her daughter with her for a bit and that's why she's more upset about your family vs your brother's?

First of all, I definitely do not think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like she already has a full house and with your brother and his family, it will be overflowing. And you're right - the kids need somewhere to sleep at a decent hour - otherwise the entire household will suffer with over tired children! Talk about ruining a good time! If I were you, I would stick with my plan for the hotel room and I would also tell my mother not to fire the caretaker because you're going to stay at the hotel whether or not she does because you do not want to be the one to cause this man to lose his job or interfere with his caring for your father. Your mom will get over it. You might also explain to your mom that all that constant activity in the house will wear on your father - he needs quiet time. My father suffered with Parkinson's for twenty years before he finally passed away. He would not have been able to handle all of that activity round the clock. I think you're doing what's best for your family and your father - mom will just have to find a way to live with it!

Keep in mind, one day our moms will no longer be with us- your mom and dad are getting older- my gut feeling with this is she was SO looking forward to her daugher and grandkids staying with her (as you would when your daughter grows up!) and even though your parents don't have the best accomodations or plan- I say you suck it up- make do- get a hotel and ask your bro and his fiancee to stay there for part and you stay the other part and/or talk to your dad's caregiver and see if he would mind making this accomodation for a few days- you have every right to make sure he's a good caregiver- after all he's getting paid and taking care of your father- and he should be happy to go along! Your mom is hurt and getting older and watching your dad get older. You can use this time to check on your dad's caregiver- not just during the day, but at night when it most matters. I have 4 little kids and have stayed in some very small rooms/places for various reasons- and we all make do and even have fun. Your mom needs to know that she's your priority and you want nothing more than to spend time with her bc you don't live nearby. One day, she and your dad will no longer be around and try to cherish the time that you have now- and brighten their week with a serious visit from their grandkids!!! A few days with them would be very kind and truly cheer up your parents- bring them back to your childhood perhaps?

Will you be driving to your mothers? Is it possible for you to rent an RV? This way you will still be staying at your mothers house but your family will have their own space too.

First of all, I totally understand why you want to get a hotel room. I would be doing the same. It's different now that you have a family of four. That's a lot of people invading someone's home. Also, you have little kids that need a place that will allow downtime before bedtime and a good night's sleep.

But I think the main issue here is your mother. She's really unhappy. You two must be close or were at one time. She may likely be feeling overwhelmed by a combination of caring for your ailing father and housing your brother, fiance and dogs as well as a caregiver. I'm sure your father's deterioration due to Parkinson's is very difficult for her. She's probably been the strong one, but now she's worn down and all the emotion is coming out. And it's all directed at you, unfortunately. Her strong reaction to you stay elsewhere may seem out of character but it's her way of shouting out to you that she needs you and your family to be there for her. (This is often the burden of the daughters and not so much the sons.)

Maybe you can plan to spend some alone time with your mother. You could also plan to stay over one night (or more)during your visit. Whatever you do make your stay special. Take her out, just the two of you. Make sure there is plenty of time to talk. She needs to talk. Let her say what she's feeling and do not take offense at anything she says. She needs to vent. If you can get her to talk, you will have done a good thing.

Just remember to acknowledge her feelings of being hurt. Assure her that you maximize your time at her house -- from the time the kids' wake to the time the kids' need to sleep. If she really needs you at the house, you might have to bend your kids' bedtime rules for just this one time. Try to be flexible. I know it's sometime hard to give up your routine with the kids, but your mother sounds like she needs a little more of your time and consideration than normal.

Well first of all your mom is also going thru alot with your father so try to understand her. Since your father does has someone to look after him why not invite her to the hotel so she can get out of the house. Just sell it her that the kids are excited to stay in a hotel and they would lover for her to come. As far as her picking you over ypur brother I would not be to concerned maybe there is a different bond between you and her or him and her. Hope this helps.