I am having an issue with my mom...we haven't spoke in about 3 months. Do I miss her yes of course! She said some hurtful things to me and I have always felt that I am not the daughter she has always longed for and wanted. I feel she sees how others are and often compares and has always. She has always worried about what others think and how they see things. Which to me is so not important because no matter what type of person you are, people will always talk. People talk about good people.. She has no effort to try and contact me and I know most of you are thinking why should she be the one. Life is short I know and just like something happening to my mother, the same can happen to me. I am just tired of always being the one to smooth things over even though I do not agree with things. This time I guess you could say, I am tired. She truly made me feel that she does not care how she made me feel and if I were to try and talk with her she would be in such denial. I guess my question is, when is it enough? I miss my dad, he will do for his wife and stand by her through everything right or wrong. I will say that! I guess my question is, how do I cope? Am I hurting inside? Yes, do I want to initiate a plan..no. I just hate feeling I am missing something inside..She is a very strong willed person and I know her pride will continue to keep her strong. My 15 year old saw her post pics on her FB account at an outing with friends and he comes to me and says "Grandma is out with friends and doesn't call or care to see us".. kids do not understand the whole situation. And in the end, who hurts..My children! I just want some insight on how to get through this situation and not hurt anyone. I have just prayed and prayed and left it in his hands..
I've heard it said that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Your own words describe how sick and upset you are over this.
Would it be so bad to be the O. that reaches out? To be the bigger person?
You don't give specifics about what happened, but I think if YOU respect the person you are and the choices YOU make, it shouldn't/wouldn't matter at all what others say.
Good luck!
Here's how you deal with your mother:
Call her up and start seeing her again. When you are with her, if she says something mean, say, "I have to go now, mom, see you later" and leave.
If you are on the phone and she says something mean, say, "I have to go now, mom, talk to you later."
There is no point in arguing with her about the things she says, she will not listen or change. The only thing you can do is refuse to listen to her negative comments. So when she's not being nice, leave.
Good luck.
Be frank with your kids. Let them know that because of some trouble between grandma and yourself, grandma is giving you, and them the silent treatment. You would prefer it were not the case, but it is. You can't control how she treats you or them. You hope that the relationship can be mended and you are sorry that she is choosing to let your disagreement spill over to the way she treats the kids. Let them learn that we can't control the manner in which another person demonstrates their love.
Best,
F. B.
Would your life be better with her it? Just because someone gave birth to you does not make them a nice person. I talk to my dad on the phone and text and message on FB. I rarely speak to my mother, only when I can't get away with not. When I was a kid, I wished my parents would get divorced so I could live with my dad and he could find someone nice to marry.
Maybe some therapy for yourself would be good. Maybe hide her posts on facebook so you don't have to see what she's up to. I ended up defriending her dad, my Grandpa, after he came up to the town I live in, to see his girlfriend's granddaughter's dance program the same week my daughter was having her music program at school. He didn't even attempt to get a hold of us and tell us he would be in town, and seeing that he was willing to go to her granddaughter's stuff and not his own hurt my feelings. I decided that there was no reason to keep him as a friend on facebook when he didn't care about us, all it was doing was making me miserable. It's been 2 years and I can say I wish he was a different person, but my life is better without him unintentionally hurting my feelings.
Life is too short to spend it unhappy. That being said, you don't need to be around someone who isn't nice to you. Personally I would contact her, be honest and say she hurt your feelings but you don't think it's fair for the grandkids not to see them since they didn't do anything wrong. I have had some issues with my mom in the past and I'm an only child. I decided to limit the things I tell her and the time we spend with her. It's actually gotten much better. I think you should just tell her what you expect. If you are together and she starts up with something, then it's time to go. Just stand up and say, ok, thanks for the visit but we need to go now and leave. Do the same thing if you are talking on the phone and she starts to act up. "Nice talking to you mom but I need to run." Hope this helps. Good luck.
You can only control your own feelings.
She's not going to change and she either doesn't know she's hurt your feelings or she knows and doesn't care (or doesn't feel you should be feeling hurt).
You say you can't be the daughter she wants you to be - but she can't be the mother you want her to be either.
This is all about your expectations - this is what has to change.
If you are happy with yourself and your life - then it doesn't matter what your Mom thinks/says.
You need to think "I love my life! I don't need my mother's approval!".
She's living her life - and you need to live yours.
Some counseling might help you work through your feelings.
You may or may not forgive your Mom eventually and accept her as she is.
If she is just toxic - it's totally alright to cut toxic people out of your life.
You deserve to happy, you deserve to be loved you deserve to be respected.
If you are not, you need to learn to speak up for yourself, your needs and your sanity.
If you cannot do this, you should go to therapy and find your voice, your strength and figure out how to change this in your heart and mind.
You need to do this for your mental health. Get on it.
Your mom will always be the person she is... People do not change much, at least in my experience. It's sad when it impacts the kids though. Do the kids want to see their grandma? If so, I think it's important that they see her. As far as her relationship with you, it sounds like it mimics feelings you had during your childhood. It would be a really good time for you to go into therapy. When you are with your mom or around your mom, it's triggering feelings from your childhood. We all go through this on some level with family.
As far as my relationship with my parents, I've chosen to be forgiving of many things because having A relationship is more important to me than having no relationship. With that being said, I've put some distance between us over the years. I started to heal when my husband and I moved 400 miles away. It was the best thing we did. It allowed me to be more objective about our relationship and to choose how and when we spent our time. Because of that distance I'm able to have a more healthy relationship overall.
I hope the same for you.
I agree with you about putting it in God's hands! That's what to do when you're so hurt.
Fanged B. is right on when it comes to what to say to your children. It gives the facts without being snarky.
In addition, if you can't get past this difficulty, think about talking to a counselor. These crazy family matters can be so hard to work out; they give us tears and ulcers and sleepless nights, and they certainly confuse our children. Don't be afraid to get some impartial wisdom about it.
Break the ice and call her. I know you're tired of always "giving in". Just realize she is who she is. If you don't step forward you will regret it by giving up your last years with her. She is being childish but just step forward and be the "bigger person".
I completely agree with Rosebud. Be the bigger person and call her. Then be self- protective enough to stop her words from hurting you by ending conversations when they begin to turn hurtful. Both of those actions are great lessons you are giving your children as well.
