Families & Grief

I would recommend going to a grief therapist or a support group. What you're feeling is normal, but they might be able to help.

It's normal what you and your kids are going through. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. I know it's hard - I lost mine too.

It doesn't sound like you had any grief counseling. Your children really sound like they need it. Please talk to your pediatrician and ask for a referral. It's more than losing their grandpa. With him being more of a father figure, it's a lot tougher.

Sending hugs~

My son died 13 years ago. It is still hard but with time I got better at controlling my emotions and I really didn't want to be a crying, blubbering mess for the rest of my life. Personally, I acted happy even though I didn't feel happy. Eventually though happiness returned to my life. Your grief is still so fresh and raw. Be kind to yourself. <<Hugs>>

I've heard that you never really "get over" an important loss like that--you kind of slowly "get used" to it.
Everyone thinks the first year marks the end of the worst of grief. My mom (a few years after we list my stepdad) said the second year is actually harder. Because it's the reality of him not being there a EVERY Eater, Thanksgiving, Birthday, etc.
I don't say this to discourage you, just to let you know that what you're feeling is common & normal.
It's getting used to something you didn't choose, didn't plan for and had no say in. It stinks.
Grief takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different.
You might have your kids draw pictures of their favorite memories of Pappy, or have them send him a note on a balloon to heaven.
Kids grieve and understand such a loss over time, in chunks. Be patient with them. Answer their questions honestly, keep him alive by talking about him & sharing memories.
I'm sorry for your loss.

There's no time table for grieving.
Not everyone gets through it in a year (or two or even three).
Some people never really get over it but they eventually learn to cope.
My Mom's significant other died suddenly 12 years ago and she still talks about him but it took a very long time before she could stop with the spontaneous crying - years - anywhere - especially in the hardware store.
A grief support group might be able to help you and your kids.

Sounds like normal grief to me. So sorry for your loss. I was very close to my dad too. I'd like to tell you it gets easier but the hole in your heart stays no matter how much time passes. It will get a little easier though. A year isn't very long. While no one can replace him (and I'm not even suggesting that) try to include as much family and positive male influences in their lives as possible. They need lots of extra love right now. I'm sorry for your loss.

As everyone else has said the first of everything is terrible. The first christmas, birthday, picnic, etc. No matter how well you think you've prepared for things you are just shocked that you are still that wounded. It does get easier as time goes on. My dad died 6 yrs ago and I'm still sad a lot. When my latest grand daughter was born I was so upset because my dad loved his family and would have loved holding that baby so much.

I'm going to tell you to feel however you want to feel. Let yourself be sad, angry, upset, overwhelmed, happy, whatever. There's no time limit on grief and there's no right way to grieve. You might want to set up a picture of your dad somewhere in the house and let your children draw pictures or leave trinkets by the picture when they want to connect. Remember him by sharing stories. He'll always be with you but you won't see him.

I am sorry for your loss. Grieving takes time and there is no set limit. Each person as you are experience grieves differently.

Since it has been a year I would suggest counseling for all of you to help you all move forward.

Right now the pain is intense but as the years go by it will ease. There will always be the good and the bad days when the tears will flow. Just think of all the good times that you all had and that will help you get through it. If you need to, write letters to dad and put them in a special box.

I, too, lost my parents young at different times and it was very hard. I was the daddy's girl and it when dad was gone I had to become a separate person ready to deal with the world. My mom had drilled that into me so I was self-sufficient to a fault better known as a survivor. This has helped me weather many storms in life and I do thank her even though I did not know what she was doing at the time. I do recall her telling me point blank that she would not see me grow up and she did not.

There will be a hole in your heart for the lost parent(s) but they are now looking down on you and guiding you through your life from above. So be happy and enjoy what they did and have done for you to get to where you are now.

the other S. keeping you in my thoughts this season.

we all think that once we get through that first terrible 'year of firsts' it'll get better, don't we?
and truly, that first year IS the worst.
i wish there were a magic bullet for getting through it. as JC says, often you have to fake it til you make it. you won't stop mourning, but the fresh raw grief WILL ease, and happiness will start to make brief unannounced visits, then stay for longer if you don't drive her out by feeling guilty. for some weird reason, grief becomes a habit and we make ourselves feel as if we love our departed beloved less if we don't stay stuck in it.
so try to welcome happy moments, however brief they are at first.
it may be a good thing that he's not that close. with that distance, visiting his grave will be an occasional big deal, and that's okay. i still haven't visited my little mumsie's grave since her funeral over a year ago. i might go on mother's day this year.
maybe not. not sure i'm ready yet.
be kind to yourself, get some grief counseling for you and your kids if you need it, and understand that the passing of mourning is slow and not consistent.
my thoughts and prayers are so with you.
khairete
S.

Our hospitals have grief support groups free of charge. Your loved one does not have to of been in the hospital to go. And there is a well known children's support group in the community. I think it's called the Dougy Center. I think it's nationwide.

I agree with the others. This sounds normal, but I think you and your kids would also benefit from a support group or grief counseling. I lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago and we were close too. We talked every day. It is only recently that I don't cry every time I think about her or talk about her. I think the loss of a parent, especially one you were close to, is an experience that can't be understood unless you've gone through it. There is a great book about grieving the loss of a mother. I don't know if there is a similar one for losing a father, but it would be worth looking into it. It does get easier, or at least it changes, but you never forget. Even though it's hard I encourage you to talk to your kids about him frequently. I strongly believe that those who have died live on in our thoughts and memories. I think it's sweet that they ask about him. My boys, teenagers, haven't shown a lot of emotion about the loss of their grandma, which sometimes saddens me. This might be more typical of teenage boys, although they do say things like "Grandma S... gave me this" or "Remember when Grandma S..."

It might be just as well that the cemetery isn't too close. My mom is buried only about 15 minutes from me, but I only visit on holidays because it is still just too raw and difficult for me. I make sure the grave is well decorated on appropriate occasions, but visiting can send me into a tail-spin.

I have found methods to cope that I call self-preservation. Last year my MIL helped to make my first Mother's Day without my mom a near disaster. So this year she isn't going to be part of my Mother's Day weekend plans. My mom died of a rare and debilitating disease. I have become an active volunteer in raising awareness of this disease. I wish it wasn't because I lost my mom, but I have met some really wonderful people through my volunteer work.

And have you ever done journaling? A pastor at my church recommended I write in a journal the things I would normally tell my mom. I did buy a journal and I haven't carried it out they way I planned, but because of this suggestion my mom and I still have "conversations" in my head.

As others have said, the second year can often be harder than the first for some people. Others expect you to have "gotten over it." They no longer ask about the person or ask how you are doing even though it's still fresh and difficult to us.

Best wishes!

Sorry for your loss, and for your pain. Would you consider trying the following with the kids- When you hear, I miss pappy, or I want to see pappy. You can respond with I miss pappy too, or I wish I could see pappy too, but death is part of life, and pappy is no longer with us. Let's share a memory about pappy, then live life well, because that is what I think pappy would want for us.

If you choose not to do it for the kids, maybe you can use it as an internal monologue. It might help.

Best,
F. B.

Lean on one another. This weekend, go buy everyone a poster board. Make collages of all of Pappy's favorite things from magazines (not his face/photos). Let the children paste all of things he loved in it: gum wrappers, pics of puppies, Bob guns, apple pies, fishing poles, etc).

The posters can be placed in the garage, bedroom, bathroom, etc. no pics because pics will build sadness. The poster is designed to make them smile at the memories.