Failing Marriage

There is a movie called "Fireproof" about a young couple who have a failing marriage headed for divorce and how they eventually find their way back to each other. It is a little corny and has a religious slant, but even if you are a non believer don't let that stop you from watching it. They have it at Blockbuster. Good luck!

It soundslike depression that needs to be addressed BY Him, has he seem his doctor? has he talked to anyone about this? medicine can help so many forms (I have it and take some) life can change 10000 degress when on the right meds!! it is a serious issue and nothing can change if he does not take care of it..it is hard and he will feel like it will never change. But is he willing to give up Everything instead of taking care of his depression? you cannot change, the girls cannot, change the house color cannot change for him to get better..only he can. <uy mom lived a very sad hard life as there were no medicines for her when she was alive..I cannot imagine how wonderful her life could of been if there had been.

he says he is depressed ... has he seen a doctor? Is he on medication? Have they checked him for everything including thyroid problems, etc.? Depression medication, marriage counseling??

Good morning M.,
I have an exercise that may just help you. At the very least, it can't hurt. The exercise is called the 30-day challenge for wives. If you will send me your email address, I'd be happy to foward the attachment. I hope that things work out in such a way that you and your husband decide to choose each other and continue to work at your marriage; because marriage never stops being work but it is one of the most worthwhile efforts we will ever undertake.

M., I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you considered couples counseling? Seeing a therapist and talking about your problems together. Sometimes therapists can be effective at helping you work through your problems. Or if you're a member of a church, sometimes the reverend/pastor/priest can be very good at helping you two work through your problems. Just a thought. Sometimes having a "neutral party" help you work through your issues puts both sides at ease.

When people are in pain (physical or emotional), it is nearly impossible for them to put themselves in another person's shoes or see things from another perspective. Moms also work very hard, as you say you are, to keep things "normal" for the sake of the kids. But things aren't normal and the kids (at least the older one) will pick up on this no matter what you do. Her father has already moved out once, so that's certainly in the back of her mind that it may happen again. I think your husband should definitely have a check-up, and you both could benefit from counseling - perhaps together, perhaps separately, perhaps both. If your health insurance doesn't cover counseling (and different therapists accept different insurances), you can get low-cost therapy through your town's department of youth & family services, through mental health clinics, through a clergy member (free if you belong to a church or synagogue), and through other resources. Ask your family doctor for a couple of referrals. But you can't "fix" the marriage by yourself. The counseling will help you both to make the best decision possible, and help you both guide the girls through any transition that is ahead. Perhaps your marriage will end, and perhaps it needs to change from within. Try not to think too much about the house right now - I know that is SO hard but you really need to think about yourself and the girls, who will thrive in a happy home wherever it is. Don't be afraid to reach out for help or to say that you can't do everything on your own - there's no shame in asking for assistance. You've already done that by reaching out to other moms - but your marriage needs and deserves more in-depth help than we can give you here. Good luck and don't stop trying to take good care of yourself.

Just wanted to say I've been there too, and I'm here if you need support. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and whatever happens, things will be better than they are right now. Feel free to email me privately.

M.,

I have some suggestions for you and they are much different than those from the other responses.

As wives we can try to direct, support and guide our husbands however we can NOT change a person. It is up to the person themselves to improve or not.

In my opinion it sounds like your husband already left and he left along time ago. Yes he is still in the home for money is tight. Your husband has made up his mind. He is where he is at because it's "his" own point of view no one can change that and it's clear that he has no interest in improving the situation.

Now this is where your true control comes in....

Being a mother is wonderful. Giving children love, hugs, and kisses is great however being a mother and wife is not everything. Women still need to have a life outside of a husband, children, chores and career.

Your goal of course is making sure your children are loved and provided for but it is your time to focus on YOU now.

Do things that make YOU happy be it hobbies, reading, yoga, etc. If you are unsure of what makes you happy outside of being a mother and wife this is a great time to learn about you!

I have learned that no one can take care of me better than I can. No one can provide me with what I truly need other than me.

Having a partner is wonderful but it's our own bodies that hold us up not someone elses.

Know that regardless of what may happen between you and your husband you will make it through. You will find a way to carry on.

I wish you the best of everything!!!!!!

I definitely agree with what everyone else wrote about counseling and your husband's depression. However, if you have tried that and he is not willing to work on it and you get divorced, it is possible that it will be the best for everyone. My parents waited until we were out of the house to get divorced and because of this I have many bad memories of very unhappy parents. I know without a doubt that it would have been the best for everyone if they had gotten divorced when I was still at home.

I agree with what everyone else on here has said. Your husband needs to see his doctor to rule out health problems which cause depression, and then the next step is to see a therapist. He may even need medication for depression. I would encourage him to deal with his own problems before considering marriage counseling. If his problems are resolved through his individual counseling, you may not need marriage counseling.

My husband and I hwere really having a hard time getting along and I really wanted to just end it. The thing is I don't want my kids to know the word or have to experience it. I'm completely against in for us, so my wanting one meant things were really bad.
My husband realized that and we went to counseling with our pastor & his wife. They didn't allow the he said, she said game. We did discuss some of our problems but never to a huge extent where fingers would be pointed.
They focused on what a marriage should look like. They focused on things we could do in thinking about one another rather than ourselves. It got to the point where things were great between us and we still went. They didn't mind one bit, it was us getting a sitter (mother in law so it was free) and being out amongst other people in the "right" place with their marriage. It helped so much and got us a much needed "date night" in a way.
Maybe having to be "nice" to one another with a couple in the right place in their marriage to spend 1 night a week with may help. Maybe just making a list of the good qualities of eachother may help you focus on those things and not the bad.
I hope you find something that works. I think marriage is a commitment worth fighting for especially with kids invovled.

Hi M.,
My first thought is to get both of you help with counseling. Even counseling for you older daughter, she knows more than you think. Maybe you both can take baby steps into renewing your marriage, counseling will help only if he is willing.
Just keep loving your kids the way you are....if he skips kissing you when he leaves, get up and kiss him. See what happens.
One thing you must do is take care of your self. If your not getting outside and doing things with the girls, do it. Make changes for the good for you and your girls. Take long walks, go to the park, exercise is a great stress relief. Get up a little early so you have time to yourself, shower, have tea....even ten minutes will help you have a new outlook on the day your going to have.
Another thing if you have your own bank account start putting money in it for you and the girls, if you dont have one, get one. Even if its 20 dollars here and there, do it. Start now, no matter what happens you will need to care for you and your daughters. Men always say don't worry I will take care of the family. Take charge and put away money yourself. You just want to be prepared for what life brings you.
I truly hope your husband has it in him to get help with his depression and marriage. I wish only the best for you and your daughters. Please take care of yourself!

D.

Tina suggested a good movie... Fireproof.

You may also be able to borrow it from the library- I think that's where I got it?

Anyway. It had a very valuable lesson in it.
But your husband and you need to do some work TOGETHER.
Has he given you clear and specific complaints? (Not: you're messy.. but rather the clothes are left on the floor.) You both can compromise and fix the little things but it seems like your husband needs to step up to his commitment and look beyond himself and work on an entity that is bigger than just him (that is the marriage and the family unit- which includes you not just the girls!)

"sometimes you've got to fake it to make it".. you know what they say, if you smile, even when you're not happy, it tends to improve things anyway.

Good luck.
Fireproof. Please, rent it, if not for him, but for yourself.

Others have offerred similar advice, but I would strongly suggest that (A) you encourage your husband to get personal counseling (not couples counseling) first and foremost -- it will be difficult for him to see things clearly or work on the marriage when he's not happy with his life in general -- and (B) that you try your hardest to put personal feelings of awkwardness, insecurity, or sadness aside and try to make your husband feel loved and special, even if he doesn't reciprocate (someone else suggested kissing your husband good bye in the morning). It will be one of the hardest things you do, but his depression can easily drag you down, and yours will drag him farther down. If you want to save your marriage, you must fake the romance for a while. I don't mean you should avoid discussing is feelings or pretending that everything is normal, just that you should go out on a limb and show him you care for him. Boosting his ego just might do wonders. Still, be prepared for a difficult road. If your husband is depressed, your efforts might fail, but I think they are your best shot. Just keep in mind that rejection doesn't necessarily reflect anything about your efforts but about your husband's emotional place right now.

If you can get your husband in a healthier place emotionally, then maybe you can get him to be specific about what things would improve the marriage for him, and perhaps you can start to turn things around. Good luck -- 13 years and two kids are worth fighting for.

That being said, things will get better, no matter whether your husband is willing to put in the work to save the marriage or not. Just do your best, and know that you'll make it through somehow.

Many have already stressed the importance of professional help for depression, that will be critical if it's clinical. If not, or as they get it under control, you may want to try Dr. Laura's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" for you and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" for you both. I am not a big fan of hers, but a good friend told me these books SAVED her marriage. (there was no mental illness involved, but a great deal of mental anguish, and now they're doing great). She told me the best part of using these books was that it alleviated their feelings of helplessness, gave them a sense of control and the ability to move forward. She said it was like finding a ladder to climb out of a deep hole. I hope you guys can have a happy resolution as well!
-L.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I know how awful it is first hand- I went through the same thing first hand several years ago. In the end I gave up
the house to keep my dignity. It was hard for a long time, but it gets better, I promise. The damage done to my self esteem & my childrens self esteem will take much longer to fix than any financial issues!!! My children are happy now & so am I.
I'll keep you in my prayers.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. It sounds like your husband has already made his decision-I think if there is any chance of having it work it would be to try a marriage counselor. If he truly is depressed then maybe he needs to get individual counseling and possibly an antidepressant.
As far you talking about taking the kids to the aquarium-I don't see anything wrong with that-the kids still deserve to have fun with their parents. If he says he's depressed then you speak with him about that when you two are alone. He is still a father and needs put on a happy face sometimes for his children's sake.
Is there a family member who can take the kids away for a week or two for a "vacation" so you and your husband can try to talk things out?
I wish you luck-my thoughts are with you.

~R.

Have you two tried couples counseling? I would see if he is willing to do that to rebuild the marriage. If he is unwilling and the marriage will not survive then I would suggest counseling for yourself. I would also consider if your older daughter might benefit from talking to someone. There are also some good books available on how to talk to children about divorce. Best to you.

Sounds like you both need some counseling, but he needs his own for the depression. I think with a little help your marriage can be saved. If he willing to get help for the depression? It almost sounds like he is calling out for help by telling you he's depressed and getting more depressed when you suggest taking the kids to the aquarium two days later, but don't take his feelings into consideration. If you are religous I would start with your church and see if they can help you get some guidance. If not then start looking up in the yellow pages counselors. It might be good to find one who does couples, but can also do one on one. It seems to me though that even getting out of the marriage is not going to help your husband's depression. There's some more underlying problem there that he needs to deal with on his own and possibly with the help of some medication so you can work on the marriage together.