Trouble in Paradise - Lakewood,CA

I'm curious if your husband is on meds for his depression? Medication changes or lack of the right prescription can have a terrible impact on a person's ability to function daily. Often they act worse than they would if they were not medicated. Something to think about.

Through his work, he should have the option for EAP (Employee Assistance Program) and this will provide usually anywhere from 10 to 12 sessions of Family or individual therapy at no cost. Often they can give a referral to see a therapist and your insurance will cover the cost. I am seeing a family therapist and individual therapist and pay the copay from my insurance and this is not an issue.

Has her seen a clinical psychologist? My very good friend just started seeing one and this is best done individually and not with a spouse or as a couple. They only prescribe meds and diagnose depression, anxiety and other behavioral issues.

The tough part about living with someone with depression is that often times they don't realize how hard they can make it for those of us who love them. They don't see their actions as hurtful or mean, and often can make us feel like we have done something wrong. If your husband isn't interested in proper care and taking steps to get that done, he can't be forced to. If he thinks he's done, he might be done until he's hit the point where he realizes he is a part of a partnership that needs love and care.

You might be nagging him or he might be unable to deal with emotions and feelings that are caused by depression and isn't ready to ask for help. I don't know since I don't know him or you, but it sounds like he may need to admit he needs help before you can work on your marriage. The thing is you can't live your life around him and just making him happy...you need a life too. You deserve health insurance and to be taken care of too. Check with your local city and see if there are classes or counseling offered...I live in Santa Clarita and they offer something called Parent U that is free to participants.

I hope some of this helps. I hope you can help your husband be strong and work on your life together.

Good Luck.

Im sorry that you have to go through this. Depression is no fun to deal with, especially when someone isn't willing to do everything it takes to help himself. It seems to me, based on what you are saying, that there is something that he is not telling you. What preceded this increase in fighting? Have you noticed a change in his hygiene behaviors? Staying at work later and later? You might want to investigate the idea of an affair. Are you really nagging him more often than you think that you are? Sometimes we women do it without even noticing... sometimes it takes more prodding to get our husbands to do things that need to be done though! LOL
As far as counseling the only resource I can think of that would be cheap would be clergy. If you are not a member of a church try contacting a few in your area and see if they would be willing to take a love donation or something of the sort. Most are willing to take a cut in money if it means honoring the sanctity of marriage.
Good luck to you, but remember that you can't always put yourself aside... especially if the other person doesn't put himself aside for you.

The other women made some good points.
For a person with a medical/psychological problem... even the ordinary can seem like a huge "problem."
Your Husband is telling you what he can't stand... that is his perspective, having Depression/Anxiety. It is not a matter of who is right or wrong... he is not capable of expressing or handling things... that most "normal" people would.
To expect someone with these conditions to 'act' and say the right things, is not in line with their state of mind. Nor can they always "understand" where the other person is coming from.

At his wife, I would suggest that you find a support-group, for Depression/Anxiety. Ask your Doctor or local hospital if they have support groups. You CANNOT "rely" on your Husband to 'change'... or understand. But YOU can get support for yourself... with people in the same situation, as a spouse of a Depressed person with Anxiety disorders.

Your Husband probably feels he cannot do what is expected of him, and anything you say 'feels' to him like 'nagging' and complaining. He is not able to "be" what you want.

He has a Therapist... and that's good, if the Therapist is doing her job. And as "his" Therapist... HE is her primary concern... not to do "marriage" counseling for you too. If this Therapist is not making progress with him, then he should perhaps find another Therapist. Not all Therapists are "good" or helpful. Just like a Doctor, sometimes you have to shop around for a good one, and get 2nd opinions.

Live your life and do what makes you happy... you NEED to take care of yourself too... not ousting him or ignoring your marriage, but perhaps have other interests and outings with girlfriends. Somewhere else and something else that is FUN for YOU.... even if it is just venting with friends.

AND as the others said... perhaps he needs Meds for his condition. Only a Psychiatrist can actually "prescribe" medication, from my understanding.

I had a college friend that has depression. And, it really caused hardship on her Boyfriend (now Husband). It was an emotional roller-coaster. BUT, she got on medication... and it helped her to stabilize. And they are now "normal" as any other couple. But, her spouse also had to "learn" how to cope with her Depression... THAT is key for the other person. Her Husband no longer takes her condition "personally" against him. But they are a "team" about it. AND she takes full responsibility for HER depression. She takes "ownership" of it. YOU must learn how to "cope" with your Husband's condition... thus I suggested a support-group for yourself. Aside from "his" therapy.

Even though it seems harsh... be glad your Husband told you his feelings. He is feeling trapped and unable to cope. He is UNABLE to cope. He is UNABLE to cope. That is important to understand. All he knows is he hates coming home and hearing 'nagging' as he calls it. I don't think he feels understood or other things. But, again, its good he is expressing his feelings, although it is not pleasant. Anyone needs to feel "validated"... and that they "can" say their feelings... otherwise, yes, they shut-down. No one wants to argue about their feelings or have to justify it. For any Husband, saying how they feel is hard... and they shut-down if they feel unhappy. Your Husband, is in the throes of his Depression and probably has no answers... just escapism.

Its not easy. I hope there is a rainbow for you... and your Husband.

All the best,
Susan

First, have hime go to the dr. for a physical to help with or reevaluate the depression and anxiety. He may need a different type of treatment. Ask the dr. about a support group for depression and anxiety disorders. This would be beneficial to you both.
In the last year you've had a baby and stay home. Those are big changes for a couple and you all need time to adjust. Are you going out on regular dates? don't neglect the marraige/romance-it is the glue that holds your family together.
It is easy for us girls to fall into the pattern of nagging, yelling, complaining about our feelings, etc. I am defnitely guilty of this. This will drive men crazy. Men are fixers. They hear a problem and want to find a solution. If you just want to "whine" and deisect your feelings, call a girlfriend, then go to your hubby with something concrete.
You do hold the power in the house as far as attitude and happiness. You mayjust have to fake it and bite your tongue a lot at first. Stop and think if what you want to say will help or hurt.
When you are going to say something negative, don't. Say something nice or just go give him a hug. Do a good deed for him everyday.
Two cheap things that can help:
-Rent the movie "Fireproof" adn read the book "The Love Dare". Even if you are not very religious, the principle is about treating your spouse with respect, love and kindness.
-Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husband's" and you BOTH read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marraige" and "Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationship" all by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. As I mentioned before, there was a time when I treated my hubby horribly and her books really helped. If you're having trouble adjusting to being a SAHM, her book "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms" is very uplifting and insightful.

You're marraige is worth saving. It took a while to go down this patha nd it will take a while to climb back up. hang in there and you can do it. Your son is depending on it.

JL, I experience some of this as my husband is a recovered alcoholic and seems to have similar issues. I do the same thing you do. Often, his father is concerned about me always puttying my self aside for his needs. You just have to do what works, without tipping over the boat.

You seem to be doing everything you can and seem like a reasonable person. I would say he if really wants a divorce, you will have to let him go. I understand you don't want to, but you can't control him, no matter what the illness. There are some points where you have to let things go. You can express you don't want that, but it sounds like you have already gone there.

As well, when we first married, my husband traveled for work and was way for about 90 percent of the time. I chose to stay here and let him go. Eventually he wanted to come home and now only travels about 2 - 3 times out of the month. He was living in other states previously and only visiting. He seems to have given in and lets me control things and doesn't put up much fight anymore. 12.5 years too.

Best of luck.
C.