I Need Ideas for Dealing with Fighting Siblings

I deal with the same thing with my three kids (5,3 1/2, and 20 months.) The book Siblings without Rivalry helps.... but it's still hard. good luck!

I feel your pain. We have 3 kids 8, 6 and 3 and they do the same thing. I have been reading lately about what to do and they said to let kids work it out on thier own if possible. It teachs them problem resolution. Of course you have to step in if someone is getting hurt. Also, my sister in law starting making their kids sit on the couch holding hands for 5-10 minutes when they fight. This worked really well when they where about 10+. We have tried time outs and removing the toys in question, but they are not long term results. I remember as a kid doing the same thing, so I would guess that we are only treating the symptoms and they just have to grow out of the problem. Keep your chin up.

You can also get Love and Logic books on tape or CD or videos! I know they sometimes do seminars open to parents and teachers also.

Glad to hear your a fan of Love & Logic. They're doing a seminar on Sibling Rivalry on May 22nd. Go to www.loveandlogic.com to register.

Also, don't read the L&L books, go to library and check out the audio on "L&L Magic for early childhood" or any of the other audios to listen while you're driving, exercising, etc. It's so much easier to learn if you listen to it.

There is one idea to try in the meantime is remember 2 actions:
1. remove the offending object (if fighting over the toy say "uh oh, so sad, looks like no more toy)
2. remove the child (use the Uh-Oh song. Goes like Uh-Oh so sad, you're arguing again, looks like a little bedroom time, see you when your calm. Then take them to bedroom and they come out when they are calm. Please read/listen to this technique on tape before you try it - lots of nuances to make it work for you)

Another idea to consider is some new language to try "Looks like you have a problem, Do you need help to solve it? I'll listen if you talk one at a time and your voice is calm"

I offer classes or do private parent coaching on Love & Logic techniques so check out my website if you want to explore that avenue. www.shellymoorman.com

Good luck!!

A big part of it is their age and development. Neither of them can really look at the situation from the other point of view yet. In fact, their still learning that their behavior is directly related to the consequence.
I would suggest separating them immediately when they fight. Talk to your daughter about why she needs to be nice to her brother and not fight in simple terms (it hurt him when you hit; it makes us all sad when you scream). For the 2-year-old, just state the rule - "it's not ok to hit" or "we don't scream." Do both once they have calmed down and when you are calm. As they get older, and their brains mature to allow more complex thinking, you can begin helping them empathize with each other ("how do you think he felt when you yelled at him. how would you feel if he yelled at you? what can you do differently"). But if they don't 'get it,' just model the thinking that you want them to understand (you can start that now).

to my 8 yr old girl:
"I love you. I love your brother, too. I love you both so much that it really hurts my heart when you guys fight. Will you be nice to your brother?"
OR
"The fighting is driving me crazy! Play something else."

To my 3 yr old boy:
"Don't make your sister cry. You need to protect your sister--that's your job. Go give her a hug. Thank you."

For my 1 yr old girl:
I point out when she's showing that she cares about her older brother and sister. "awwww, she's smiling at you - that means she likes you." "Awwww, she's happy!" I also point out when she needs a hug. "oh, you made her sad. Go give her a hug. Awww...that made her feel better."

"You can't take away her toy, it makes her sad. Go get a different toy and see if she'll trade you." OR "Ask her if you can have it."

I also give timeouts to toys that cause problems. Toys have their timeouts on top of the fridge....lasting 1-5 days. "Ot-oh, does the car need a time out?....I think it does, it's making you guys fight."

I also love the Love and Logic style of parenting! My hubby and I took a class and found it to be extremely effective! One thing I like to do (and this can't be done every single time or the effectiveness goes away)is sit down with them and talk it out for only about 1 minute each. Then - I tell them to look at eachother and say something they love about eachother. It's almost as if the fighting issue disappears! Good luck!

I also feel you pain, I have 3 boys 10, 8 and 4... When my kids start fighting I try to let them work it out but if it gets to be a long drawn out issue I make them hold hands for 5-10 mins and they have to do everything together, sometimes instead of holding hands I make them stand there and hug each other.
We practice love and logic at home mostly so that fits into my parenting style...
They don't like it to well but it gets the point across to them...

I have three kids -- a 13 year old boy, 11 year old girl and 10 year old boy. I just asked two of them this morning what their advice would be for your situation. They remember me sending them to one of their rooms TOGETHER when they didn't get along. I would tell them they couldn't come out until they could make mommy laugh! I do a lot of teamwork type of interventions with my kids. They figure out how to get along even if it is just to get away from each other!
Love and Logic was the best thing that ever happened to our family! I hope you do find the time to read their books -- their is one specifically geared for the early years.

Hi J.,

I have two great books to suggest to you: Siblings without Rivalry and Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living. The first deals with the emotional reasons kids fight, the second teachs you how to give your family the omega three oils each person need to keep them from becoming agitated and agressive. Since I have been eating like this second book says, my kids are not as crabby and either am I.

try making them sing a hymn

There is also a great book called "Siblings Without Rivalry". Sometimes my children need time apart, sometimes together...just like their Dad and me! I know which is needed just based on experience with them. The fighting has never stopped beginning (after all, they are human children), but what I've been given is peace and lack of a ref role in their relationship!

My younger brother and I are 1 1/2 yrs apart and did the same thing growing up. When we started in on each other my mom would seperate us. She said that is we couldn't get along then we couldn't play with each other. It only took about 5 minutes before we wanted to play together again.

Also, she would let us each have a couple special toys that lived in our rooms. These toys were usually toys that we didn't want the other person playing with (doll, car, etc). They could only be played with in our rooms. She never let us do this with more then 2 toys. If we had a third one we wanted in our room, we had to take one out.

I know this is going to sound awful, but when my second brother showed up (6 years later) and got to be 2-3 the two of us stopped fighting and would gang up on him.

Good luck

My 3 and 1 year old are the same way, one seccond there best friend and the next there fighting. I will usually let them work it out, unless one gets hurt or it's not stoping. Then I will seperate them. If there fighting over a toy I will take it away until they can share, My daughter will let my little boy have a turn and it usually works out