So over the past years I've been dealing with a daughter who is very sensitive and emotional. She also happens to be shy but is getting much better in time as she gets older. 2 things. I was very similar and still can be a little too sensitive at times but feel I've adapted although remember some pretty horrible times in high school where I believe my sensitivity made it hard on friendships. The other thing is I have researched into her and myself being a "sensitive person/child" and I think it fits both of us and have read the book Highly sensitive child. Beyond that she is a "normal" fun loving, sweet daughter. Once you get to know her she'll talk your ear off and all that. She is a great student in school her only comment from teachers is they wish she would talk more. :)
Anyway, on to my question sometimes its so hard with her. I try to be understanding but sometimes I am at just a loss. Last night she came home telling about how she went to the bathroom at her Girls on the Run program (an afterschool program on building self esteem & learning to run a 5k) they were playing a game of telephone when the phrase which she later found out was "Helen was suspended from school" turned to "(Her name) was suspended from school" She did not want to repeat this and her leader (a teacher at her school) cleared up the issue to which she found out was supposed to be Helen not her name. She then asked the teacher to use the restroom and said she cried because it had hurt her feelings. (This is what she told me)
Other instances are when she was in cheerleading and didn't know a cheer very well and would cry every time they would start the cheer up. Her coach ended up having to tell the other girls not to do the cheer.
These are the types of issues I sometimes have with her. Sometimes I feel at a loss of how to handle them. Right now, I try to acknowledge her feelings. But a huge part of me wants her to get over these issues and adapt. Like making all the girls not do the cheer because she didn't feel she was good enough cheering it seems somewhat ridiculous. I'm also worried she will have some problems with friends as she is just so sensitive sometimes she takes things the wrong way. Ugh....what would you suggest? I'm considering counseling but not sure I need to go to that extreme.
Thanks everyone I'm going to think over all the responses. She is 8. I thought this girls on the run would help and I'm hoping it is but then she came home and told me that situation...it started to discourage me. But then it also makes me happy she comes home and tells me these things. Sometimes I'm just at a loss of what to do or say. I have found sharing my personal stories and experiences have helped but I guess I'm wondering if I need to do more.
I
Counseling can be about getting some coping skills. It sounds like a wonderful idea. You could just wish she would toughen up and just think that she will change but actually helping her do that would be an awesome thing.
Remember -- counseling can start simply with the school counselor. The counselor can see you, the mom, on your own and you can explain all this to her (and do not leave out the fact that you were a sensitive kid and you might not have a very objective perspective on your daughter, because of that). Then talk to the counselor about very specific things to say to your child and ways to help her take things less personally. After that, ask if the counselor can meet with your child at least a few times -- maybe have lunch with the counselor once a week for a month or something. A good counselor should be able to talk to her about her friendships and her activities and help her learn to step back and not handle everything so personally.
If that doesn't help, consider counseling outside school, but this might be something that your school counselor can help with really well.
By the way, it won't be long before a cheerleading coach or running coach or someone else in authority turns and tells your daughter something like, "You either do the cheer with everyone else or you sit out the rest of today." I'm sorry but it's true-- she will soon find that someone is going to come down on her when she doesn't know a cheer or gets upset at an activity. She needs to be better equipped for when that happens.
To be honest, the fact that you see in your girl a trait of your own that you dislike, and ADMIT that to yourself tells me that you AND she are going to be just fine.
You can work on it together. After all, there is no more adept mentor than one who's been through the exact same thing and grown as a result.
Together you'll struggle, together you'll learn.
Very cool.
:)
Teach her, coping skills.
Teach her, to KNOW herself.
Teach her to like herself.
Not compare herself.
Resilience and adaptation, ARE learned behaviors, for many.
It is not an intrinsic inherent "skill" in many.
It takes practice as well.
Role play with her etc.
My daughter was shy and sensitive. She is 11 now.
And copes well despite.
She is very self-assured and KNOWS herself.
And she has done fine all these years.
It took guidance from me. Mom to daughter.
And she feels good about herself.
She is comfortable in her own skin.
Everyone is sensitive to a certain extent.
BUT, coping skills.... need to be taught.
Without that, a person will always be reacting, because of others.
It is a choice. As well. HOW to react....in a more positive manner. To whatever happens.
My dd is totally oversensitive as well. I'm not sure you can change their personality, but after the situation has passed, I usually talk with her about it. There are times I tell her that it's unfair to everyone else that has to stop what they're doing because she's crying. I also tell her that it's more effective to solve the problem and crying doesn't do anything. I told her that when she gets home with me, she can cry and we can talk about it, but to try not to cry with others.
It's helped a little and she is outgrowing some of it. It's a tough problem. When I'm with her, I can see when her expression looks like tears are on the way and I pull her aside and tell her to toughen up, we'll talk about it later. That's has actually worked...usually she gets over it before we can even talk about it.
Counseling should help both of you.
There is a boy in my son's taekwondo class.
He was about 7 yrs old a few years ago and he cried about everything.
I mean absolutely EVERYTHING!
A class did not go by when he was not in tears over something/anything/everything/nothing.
Well he's matured in a few years and I don't know if he's on any medication or not but he is a self assured confident young man (about 11 yrs old now) and he's become a junior taekwondo instructor.
He leads class, has friends - is popular, jokes with kids and adults - he's absolutely great!
But you'd never guess if you saw him back then how he'd turn out now.
Counseling doesn't actually sound extreme. She's having a very hard time adapting socially and counseling might help. As I started reading I assumed your daughter was little... 4 or 5 or 6. But it sounds like she must be older if she's doing Girls on the Run and cheerleading? By second or third grade kids should know how not to cry if they're insecure or unsure. And because she hasn't yet learned this, she's even more socially uncomfortable. So yeah - I would take her to see someone about her insecurities. Perhaps there are coping techniques a professional could give her, because I do agree with you - this is going to affect her friendships and she's going to end up being teased for being a baby.
Some kids are just more sensitive than others. There's nothing wrong with that, so I don't think counseling is going to help that much. You're not going to counsel the sensitivity out of her. To me, that's just coming at it from the wrong angle.
Is she a creative type? Have you considered getting her music or art lessons? It's great for sensitive souls. It teaches confidence, self discipline, and pride in oneself. It also teaches that the child is in control of their successes and failures- no one else.
I am a musician, and was also a very sensitive child, so I relate a lot to this post. I could never take any kind of criticism- not even the constructive kind. I would cry at the slightest sign of disapproval or if I got frustrated. Music taught me how to handle mistakes and frustration with grace and acceptance. You just brush it off and keep on practicing until you get it right.
My son is just like me, but is getting better. I just try to redirect his sensitivity into creative outlets. That's when he really shines.
Hope that helps.
It sounds like you have trouble helping her in this area because you are very much like her. Is there anyone close who can be a mentor to her? Sometimes having another person's perspective and support can really impact self esteem.
Sometimes just opening up the lines of communication about difficult social issues can be helpful. I bought my daughter a few of the American Girl books that deal with friendship, self esteem, bullying etc… and that has been very helpful to her and to us. When she reads different scenarios it brings up her own life experiences with her own classmates and gives us and opening to talk. Also she gets examples of what to say in certain situations that she hasn't known how to respond to before.
You don't say how old your daughter is, but she may also just be more sensitive because of puberty. Being a sensitive kid on top of that can be really hard to deal with.
Good luck!
ETA: She's only 8. She sounds very very much like my daughter (now almost 10), and a lot of it for her was just lack of confidence. I bet in another year or two, you'll see a big difference. I have noticed that since my daughter has gotten a little older and is sharing her social troubles we are a lot closer. I think sometimes she thinks that she is the only kid ever to go through some of the problems she has and when we start talking she realizes that it's just life. It's not the end of the world… it's not a situation that only she has had to deal with. Other people really DO understand. And Moms actually know a lot more than she thinks! :) You sound like a terrific Mom. Hang in there!!
My daughter is now 16 and just likes yours. What we found helped in elementary school is to practice with her. She once gave away all her stickers that she just received because friends liked them and then came home crying that they were all gone. She also walked away from the swing crying because an older girl said it was her turn after my daughter waited for it for 10 minutes and was only on for seconds. We would practice at night in bed and she would repeat after me: "I like you but these are new and I would like to keep them, but you can look at them", "I waited too and now it is your turn to wait", etc. We also would use her very outgoing friend (who has tons of boy cousins and was used to speaking up for herself) as an example. She once cried at lunch because someone said "You always have cookies with your lunch" which for some reason she saw as criticism that she was eating something unhealthy maybe. When we used the friend as an example, that friend would have said "Aren't I lucky!". Bed time is when these issues would come out and we would discuss them. I also would let the teachers know not to pay attention if she seemed teary eyed but to give her time to pull herself together because the resultant "what is wrong with her" questions from the other kids if the teacher tried to be kind would make it worse and actually increase the focus on her. Now she has a core group of about 8 friends that are very close, surprisingly she has made a lot of new friends in high school, some from sitting next to them, some from comments made to her about the picture on her t-shirt (from My Little Pony to computer games - instant indication that someone else likes the same thing), some from after school clubs. I find that while a lot of the support initially was in terms of advice, now she sometimes just wants to vent and have me listen. Your daughter will sense you frustration, worry and fears for her so read the section in the "Highly Sensitive" book about the positives of being highly sensitive and keep those firmly in mind when you interact with her.
I have no advice. I have no patience for that kinda stuff.
