"My 5 Yrs Old Always Letting Someone Do Something to Him"

N.,

We all have pre-conceived expectations about how gender affects attitude and bahavior, but it doesn't always come through that way. There's a great book out call "Why Gender Matters". It discusses differences in learning styles, play habits and personalities between boys and girls. There is a section in the book all about boys who don't fit the pattern. This book claims that about one in ten boys are more like your son. It's not about upbringing, or orientation, or any of those things, sometimes boys are just more sensitive and less aggressive than we expect them to be, and it's just who they are. Please don't expect your son to be a certain way based on boy or girl, because it's not always true.

That said, there are ways to encourage assertiveness and self-defense that will work for either gender. Try to give him the words to use. Coach him in the situation to tell the aggressor "That hurts! Please don't do that." Or something appropriate for the instance. At the beginning, you may need to hold his hand and say the words on his behalf. Stress that it's okay to tell someone not to hit or hurt him, and he won't get in trouble.

You might want to try involving your son in confidence and self-esteem building activities. This may sound unorthodox at his age, but have you considered martial arts classes? I suggest this for a few reasons. Discipline is rigorously instilled in these classes, so you don't have to worry that you will have problems with him hitting other kids inappropriately. Martial arts is a non-team, primarily non-competitive sports program that can build confidence and self-esteem through experiencing success. Feeling good about himself and feeling in control of his surroundings should lead your son to feeling more willing and better able to defend himself when he has to. Keep in mind I am not talking about defending himself physically. That's not the goal. Even walking away from a situation because he chooses not to play with someone is a world away from running to cry on Mommy, and it affects his self image differently.

Just because he's a boy doesn't mean he shouldn't be sensitive. If girls are bothering him, I'd much rather he simply walk away and complain later rather than hit them. If you're yelling at him and it hurts his feelings, then try a different approach. Clearly yelling isn't working... and it's hurting him emotionally. He's sensitive because he's a normal little boy and he's ONLY FIVE YEARS OLD who still needs support from his mother. When a situation occurs where he really should have stuck up for himself, use it as a teaching example. Tell him "If this happens again, you might try saying/doing _____." You can't possibly expect him to automatically know what to do. If he's shy, he needs your support and love even more. You might try taking him to talk to a counselor who would also give you suggestions for helping him out rather than being disappointed in him for being a shy, sensitive boy.

Hi N., when my daughter was younger, she would come to me and tell me that someone hit her and she didn't do anything about it. some parents may disagree with me and i'm not saying that i promote violence but i teach my daughter to hit back. at first she was reluctant but i explained to her that if she doesn't defend herself she will continue to pick on her and they will continue hitting her. It helped. I hope this helps you :O)

My son is the same way. He's a gentle 10 year old boy. I've home schooled him for most of his life, so when he goies to public school, I have to tell him to fight, because they beat him up. He's just too nice. He cries when his feelings are hurt, too.

All I can say is, make sure that he's not miserable, and only just sensitive, because being sad is worse than being sensitive. He gets his sensitivity from you; you said that when he doesn't stand up for himself you get "sad", not angry.

Give him tough love if you feel he's too sensitive; toughen him up and tell him gently that you love that he's sensitive, but that he can't let people hurt him without defending himself, and he can't let other people's opinion of him shape who he believes himself to be.