Drama Queen Mother in Law

The first thing I thought when reading this is: Are clothes and shoes worth losing a life long relationship over??? If not, find someone else to be the babysitter and let grandma be grandma.

I agree---pay a sitter if you need O. and invite them over for dinner from time to time. She sounds like a real prize ;-) but you're stuck with her. try to eliminate the weirdness by making the relationship different. Not sitter, but family by doing family get-togethers, etc.

Next time she watches the baby, don't leave her house until all the clothes are in your diaper bag. Just make it a habit to get the clothes each time, so that way all of the baby's wardrobe won't end up in her home. It could just be a matter of forgetfulness, so not really anyone's fault. For one thing, even if those shoes were too small, perhaps you would like to keep them for a moment, or to sell at a kids consignment shop or garage sale or whatever.

Honestly, I would just take the higher ground and let it slide. You can't change people's behavior, but you can change the way you react, and you do that by not giving them the power to upset you or the opportunity to do something, (like the missing clothes).

I would maintain a distant and cordial relationship with her until things blow over. You may never get an apology, you may be reading too much into it, or she may be just as vindictive as you believe, but you can still allow her to see the baby and hopefully, work on having a better relationship with her in the future. Perhaps some cultural differences are in play here?

Sounds like you are lucky to have a mother in law who cares so much about the baby, many grandparents aren't so wiling.

Edited to add:
I was extremely uptight with my mil and got upset at every little thing she did. Then, we went through a family tragedy and I took the time to really get to know her. I realized she never did any of those things to aggravate me, we just did things differently. I'm so glad I was able to get over it, b/c now I love her so much and we are great friends!

There's nothing "unbelievable" about your MIL wanting you to be the cause of her unhappiness – that's just what people do (sometimes you and I want people to blame, too). It's not that she "has the nerve" to try this emotional strategy – she's merely behaving in ways that she perceives will get her what she wants, and has probably used tactics like this for your husband's whole life. You just haven't seen it for your whole life, so it's new to you.

It's dramatic and immature and passive-aggressive, yes, and it's also apparently the only means she has ever learned to get her emotional needs met. A tough situation all around, and probably all the worse for the language barrier between you and her.

I think it's great that she's holding back and not wheedling for reconciliation from your husband – that might be a more grown-up response than she's usually able to make. Still a long way from perfect, of course. I think it's great, too, that your husband isn't eager to apologize and make nice, which would possibly undo (in her mind) his demand that she not repeat her childish tactics. She's a child emotionally, and she's still smarting from being corrected, but it sounds like she's processing the whole event, and needs the space to do that.

I see you contemplating whether you "should" be upset about this. One of the most important things I've learned in 63 years is that if we ever have the choice whether or not to feel some negative emotion, then we do well to stay away from it. Why choose to be upset, if you're not? It won't hurt her anywhere near as much as it will hurt you.

In the same vein, thinking she should apologize is your own thought process, and she's obviously not in that space yet. In her own system of thinking, she probably doesn't believe she has crossed any line – she seems convinced that she's doing what's right for her grandchild. Don't make yourself unhappy expecting an apology to be forthcoming. Do allow for positive changes to happen in the future – that will really be better for all of you than shaming her into an apology.

I hope you will allow the situation to cool for awhile. Stay in touch with your own legitimate needs, which will probably include getting from her a verbal agreement that she return all your baby's things should you ever allow her to sit for you again. But using her as a sitter has clearly proved itself to be a bad idea for now, no matter how economical it might be. If you accept more sitting before you make new ground rules clear, you are simply asking for more of the same kinds of misunderstanding.

When you make contact again, and you probably will because she wants to see the grandchild she loves, be calm and adult and clear about what you need. Be kind enough to acknowledge her need to spend time with her grandchild – it is a genuine hunger – and be sure she understands that she will have more and happier opportunities to enjoy that contact if she recognizes and respects your needs. If you hold your needs clearly in your mind, and know that they are reasonable and legitimate, you will be able to stay calm next time you communicate with her.

If your MIL is the only one in the extended family (on your side and your husbands side) who does not speak English, then I am sure that she doesn't feel comfortable around your side of the family, and maybe that has led to this paranoia on her part. I lived overseas for 3 years with my husband when he was in the Army...he was fluent in the language but I only spoke enough to get a taxi or buy something in a shop....I can remember evenings of sitting at a party...with an innane smile plastered on my face because I couldn't understand a WORD that was being said by anyone in the room!!! I am not saying this as an EXCUSE for her behavior but to help you maybe see things from her point of view just a bit.
I don't understand what is going on with the clothes and shoes, it makes no sense to me whatsover....so I would say to do as someone else has suggested, don't leave her home without making sure that all of your childs belongings are in the diaper bag.
I would also quit using her as a babysitter...let her be a Grandma...not a caregiver. Help by drawing a clear line. Include her in family activities, invite them over for dinner, to birthday parties, christmas parties, etc...but don't ask her to babysit...that clouds the line that you don't want her to cross!!!
Other than that I can only tell you to be patient and be kind...what are one pair of shoes compared to a lifelong relationship with your MIL? She is part of the package that you "married"....so you need to find a way to be able to coexist peacefully and lovingly

Good for your husband for standing up to his mom. My MIL is very controlling and it was a huge step for my husband to start defending me to her. It may take your MIL a while to get used to this from him! She can't hold out forever not speaking to him, if she wants to spend time with her granddaughter. He may just have to spell things out for her until she starts being more reasonable. For example, if she "loses" another pair of shoes, she will have to pay you back for them. You are his wife and she needs to learn that she can't come between you and shouldn't try. Keep encouraging your husband, this won't be easy for him!

Hi Christine --
I haven't read the other answers yet.
Wanted to share my thoughts before I'm influenced by the others.
I think what you have here is, at least in part, a cultural difference.
I had an AHA! moment when you said she doesn't speak English.
Your MIL will not apologize.
She will expect you to apologize.
She is, I believe, secure and confident in her concept of what is right,
what is appropriate, and how things are sposed to be.
It will be impossible for you (or your husband) to try to change her.
And it would be a total waste of your or his time and energy to try.
So . . . don't expect an apology.
See if you can find ways to interact and enjoy one another's company,
especially at big events, special occasions.
Do not leave DD with her unless you or your husband is/are there.
Or, perhaps a SIL or cousin whom you trust.
Good luck!!
S.

Perhaps you should take the high road.
Send her some flowers.
Shoes fights are for little kids. You should be a grown up.
And what is this about "having to take the baby to Vegas"??
You are the parents.....act like it.
Take a happy pill yourself and be glad you had a living MIL.
Being a MIL is very hard.

Find a new babysitter

She should not be babysitting your child. At all.
Also, you are adults and what is she doing with full access to your daughter's wardrobe? This has got to stop.

I wasn't clear on something - is she permitted to see your daughter while she is not on speaking terms with you?
If so, you have to know that she will probably try to trash you to/in front of your child, which will wreak havoc on your relationship with your daughter. Extended family is important to a child, yes, however Mom and Dad are the most important, and anything that interferes with your relationship with your child is dangerous.

You are NOT overreacting and you DO NOT have to put up with it.

If a friend was treating you this way you probably would not tolerate it. Just because this woman shares a bloodline with your husband and child does not give her license to act disrespectful, passive aggressive, and downright mean toward your family unit.

My in-laws tried to start up with the drama after my daughter was born. Through my actions, I drew some very clear boundaries and they go tthe message. We are not the best of friends, but now, years later, we all get along fine and can enjoy our time together without the disrespectful and passive-aggressive BS.

Just remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. It is okay to say NO.

We have a similar situation- don't be afraid to end the relationship. We have and it has taken a huge load off.

Well I guess I agree with Theresa! I mean it seems she's got some deep issues. Some of it does seem like "normal" overbearing mother in law stuff...mine used to cut my daughters socks, like snip them at the ankle, because she said they were too small and cutting off her cirucluation. Pissed me off to no end....so I feel you on some of that stuff. I also wonder if some of her feelings/wants/needs aren't lost in translation. Does your daughter speak Spanish? If not then maybe she's overly controlling b/c she feels like it's the only way to communicate with you and the child. Obviously this is not the appropriate way to go about it, but sometimes people are not always rational, and of course she may not be doing it consciously. I would say for sure to start with another babysitter who is realiable so that you and hubby can continue doing things you need to do and come up with some sort of plan to communicate better with MIL. I don't envy you, that's for sure!

Oh my, I am so sorry. I don't really have any words of advice, I have MIL who doesn't understnad boundaries either, but things have gotten better.
You can only pray that they will! She must have some sort of issue going on, it is obviously not you. It is great, great, great that your husband and you are on the same level with this issue.
Pray and stay strong!

read "walking on egg shells"
nightmare.
but you also could be dealing w/cultural differences.

Sounds like your MIL is having a hard time cutting the apron strings to your husband! It will be a hard and bitter road, but she'll figure it out one day that you are his wife, the one to stand by his side and not her anymore.

Good luck!
S.

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for her to apologize. I don't think she's going to. You are the Mama now, and she needs to realize she does not call the shots when it comes to your children. You are not over reacting. The whole stunt with claiming to lose the shoes while really hiding them was just weird. (If she didn't want to get caught why didn't she throw them out? Has she got a 'thing' about baby shoes? Some people do.) Give her some time. The holidays are coming so she's only going to pout so long over this. Stand your ground or you will be fighting this battle forever with her.

You don't have to put up with her. I honestly think that you shouldn't even let her see your children. Maybe she'll show up on your door step and apologize one day. To have a relationship with her grand kids she has to go through you and your husband and she has to accept that and act like the grown woman she is. You are not over reacting-

Honey - DRAW THE LINE NOW AND STICK WITH IT. I went thru something simliar and it was hell because I was too passive for too long. This is YOUR husband and YOUR daughter and as much as she is a part of the family she IS trying to control and manipulate and she needs to be told where the battle lines are. Eventually she will come around - be nice to her, respect her, but do not let her control the situation any more