Trouble with My Mother

You have a strong past with your mom that you have to deal with, because every little thing will always seem like her fault and get blown out of proportion. My goodness, what is the big deal that your mom did whatever she wanted with your kids while she was babysitting? Grandmas are supposed to spoil their grandkids. It's OK for grandmas to do something special with a grandchild and say lets not tell M.. It's not like she smoked and drank with her, right? She just got to hang out after bed time with grandma. I just don't see the big deal over this incident. I think you're making it a big deal because of your other issues.

I agree with the other posters who say things from the past appear to cause small things to become big deals. There seems to be a lot of emotional load and stress around your relationship with mom.

It also sounds like your mom is not able to openly talk about her feelings and thoughts with you (maybe I am wrong?). Her lack of response to your revelation of the molestation and acting in a passive-aggressive way makes me wonder if there are things in her own past that caused severe problems in her psychology and caused her to close herself up? Maybe she was molested too and could never talk to anyone about it and could not get over it? Whatever the reason were for her actions and the past problems that you let "slide", you either need to truly get over them and put aside the emotional burden and bring some sense of humor to the relationship, or openly deal with these problems together with your mom, probably through counseling. Otherwise, I don't think your one-sided openness will be enough and she will continue to expect you to let things "slide".
Tough situation, I hope things will get better one way or the other.
Good luck.

Hi M. B.,

BOY! I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS POST!I have the same exact problems with my mother. She is just like your description of your mom! I have dealt with things for years, just trying to "keep the peace", and in the meantime, my mother was walking all over me. There was constant disrespect for my hubby, she went right over the top of me as far as rules for my children. I swear, her motto is GRANDMA KNOWS BEST! Anyway...
All that to say this: I finally had to let my mom know what was acceptable and what was not, in a very nice and direct way. She still chose to disrespect me and my hubby, so I cut all ties with her. We recently moved to a new town, and I have not talked to her in 3 months. I did not call her to give her our new number, address...nothing. She emailed me here about a month ago, and told me she was going to be making it up my way in the next month, and she would like to see us, especially the kids. She told me she misses them. It breaks my heart for them, because they are missing her too. I emailed her back and told her that I did not feel like she was to the place she needed to be to show my hubby and I the respect that we deserve, and that I am just not ready to pick the relationship back up. It is taxing, and stressful, and I have too much to deal with already without toxic relationships.
It has been hard...I miss my mom. I'm having a baby in a few weeks, and I wish I could be sharing this with her, but I just can't right now, and I don't feel guilty about it but I do miss her. I have never been able to communicate with my mom about what's bugging me. Anytime i try to let her know anything, she slams the phone down in my ear, or slams the door in my face. I feel like she's the bratty teenager, and I'm the desperate mom trying to communicate with her. I just wanted peace and honesty too. Unfortunately, I didn't get the honesty part, but I got the peace. I just wish it could come in some other form, rather than having to cut ties with my mom. Good luck...if you're able to talk with your mom then do that. If not, I guess you know what will work.

K.

Wow! She sounds a LOT like my mom. My mom is very passive-aggressive. I have been through similar episodes of misunderstanding, exaggeration, etc. I am 46. My mom is 73. My mom will most likely never change. We ebb and flow, and for the most part I kind of watch myself around her because I do not want the drama. I don't buy into the issues and I try to let HER issues remain HER issues.
My impression is that she's just not happy that she was caught in a lie! Most of your energy should be spent telling your own daughter that she should NEVER lie to you.
We've all had to grin and bear it in uncomfortable positions in life, but I think it was pretty horrible of her to do this to you and your kids on Mother's Day--in effect, she made YOUR MD worse by her drama. Not excusable. See how that works? Her drama becomes YOUR problem. It's her way of getting the last word, O. way or another.
Do you think your mother would go to counseling? Did she live with an alcoholic surrounding as a child or as an adult, because this is the type of atmosphere alcoholism breeds. If so, Alanon would be great for her--and you!
I'm not much help on this O. but I know how you feel.

it sounds as if you have toooo many rules that you are trying to place on your mother. Of course the kids want to see her when she's there. Of course she wants to see them when she's there.
Instead, you placed rules & restrictions on everyone involved & are trying to reprimand your own mother. !!!

You cannot control other adult's actions. & that's what this sounds like! If all of these restrictions were her choice....then as the parent, I would have opted for a teenybopper babysitter!

Why couldn't she have been there for the full evening, with the bedtime responsibilities placed on her? Was the timing your choice or hers? Think of the memories your children & your Mom could have made together! What a lost opportunity!

Another thought would be: why can't they spend the night with her? Why did they have to be in their beds? What's wrong with a sleepover at Grandma's? Does she want this? Would you allow this?

Geeee whiz....lighten up ..... you are blessed with a multi-generational family. Applaud that rarity, ease off on the restrictions (whether they're yours or hers), & have FUN together. This is not a time for the child to reprimand/restrict the parent.....this is time for joy & togetherness!

It sounds like you are scolding your mother for being a grandmother.Who wants to sit and "babysit" their sleeping grandkids? I probably would have done the same thing. You seem to have alot of anger deep inside you toward your mother for unresolved issues, and you may not realize how you are being. It sounds like you are trying to always catch her doing something wrong and she can probably see that in you, so feels like she has to lie to you because you will disapprove. You may not even realize you are behaving this way.

My brother molested me. When I told my mother she was shocked and not sure what to do or say. I'm sure your mother still sees her father as a kind, loving man who was a wonderful father to her and wants others to remember him that way. I"m not sure what reaction you wanted from her when you told her something that hurt her image of a man she loved. She was most likely shocked and surprised and didn't know what to say or do as my mom didn't.
I understand how you feel about the lying and covering up. Its very undermining. I had the same type of exerpience except it was my husband. When I confironted him, he said "I don't want to argue with you." That's his response every time I try to have a conversation with him about anything. The funny (not the haha funny) thing is, he get's so angry when the children lie to him but guess where they learned it.
Okay, as with your mother. That's a hard one. I'm not sure what I would do. I tried putting myself in your situation but my parents are too far away to babysit in the evening. I would let her know I appreciate her babysitting, I wouldn't let her do it again. I would tell her I'm sorry she feels hurt but you can't allow her to let the children to think that lying is okay. Her feelings are something she is just going to have to work through. Her feelings are her issue, I wouldn't let them become mine. think I would acknowledge her feelings, but I don't think I would apologize or expect one because you'll just end up feeling disappointed. I think if she is going to be around your children, she needs to follow your rules. It infuriated me when my mother did something opposite of what I asked. We do see her every once in while but she no longer tends my children.

I have to disagree with those saying you should have ignored the lie. Yes, grandparents are there to "spoil" but this was going against something you had very specifically told them both not to do. I'd say that you're probably more upset about her undermining your authority than the other issues.

Besides the other advice you've gotten, I would encourage you to find another sitter who isn't family! My in-laws have also done things that I have asked them not to, like giving pop to my 1-year-old, and our solution is that they are never left alone with him anymore. If your mom wants to spend time with her grandkids, she needs to learn that you are their mom and you have the final say! Best of luck.

It sounds like you and your mother have some work to do, I say you and her because it is never as one sided as it seems when you are on one of the sides. Did you thank your mother for the free baby sitting? Or just get mad she did not do it exactly how you wanted it done? I am guessing you did not get a big reaction to the admission about grandpa, not because she did not care, but because she did not know how to react to that kind of information. Maybe the 2 of you could go to counseling together? I think if you BOTH really listen with an open mind, you may be able to find some common ground.

I just want to give you sincere apologies for what has happened. I know, from experience, it is a tough thing to deal with. Mothers are supposed to be the utmost person in our life and it is very heartbreaking when that does not happen. First, I want to start off by saying that your mom probably has a lot of unresolved issues in her past. She was probably abused by the same man you were and as a coping strategy she just looks at how wonderful he was. Maybe she was told by her mother that it never happened and to overlook it.

I just want to tell you that I have many things in my past that could have broken me. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my mother, married to a cheater, then I divorced him and married a man who was full of domestic violence, and suffered a brain injury when I was 12 years old and had to learn to do everything again. All in the past! Anyone can dwell in the past but it takes a strong person to look deeply inside themselves and change their own future for the better. I know society has put a negative stigma on any kind of mental therapy but I feel that it does not show weakness but a very strong person can look at their own issues and improve them. I have gone through lots of counseling. I chose to look at myself and improve myself for a better future for me and a strong role model for my children. I don't think you are ever going to get your mom to seek help for herself but you can bring peace to your life. I have a friend who grew up with a very dysfunctional mother and she goes to therapy at least once a week. I commend her for reaching out like this and not repeating the same kind of relationship that was probably going on for generations in her family. I think some kind of counseling would be great for you. Everyone has things to deal with on a daily basis and could use some help.