If You Ask Your MIL to Please Stop Feeding Your Child Junk Food and They Cont...

When my MIL gave my children food that was unacceptable, I went over and immediately took it away gently and replaced it with something appropriate. "Oh, thanks Ma, but she's not old enough for that yet. The Mister would love it, though."

I did have to have a couple of stern conversations with her, as did my husband, but I was consistent and when she saw that yes I was willing to physically remove the offending unhealthy and sometimes even dangerous food items she stopped. Once I did pack up my child and left to go home because she was so insistent. That was when she stopped testing me. She didn't like having visits cut short. I wasn't rude about it, I was just firm and stern and vocal.

I would let her know she will no longer be welcome in the house, although you would love to continue a relationship on neutral ground. If this is too difficult, given the weird housing situation, I would let her know you will be moving and the above will then apply.

This isn't you MIL, it's your BF's mom.
He needs to address it with her.
If he refuses, not much you can do except keep junk out of the house.
Maybe teach her how to make some healthy snacks?

IF you saw her less frequently, I would probably tell you to chill out, but because she visits A LOT, then I see this as a problem. So...

ETA, I think we are all confused about the living arrangement. Does she live there, or not?

She stops coming over until she can respect your rules. If your boyfriend is not willing to have this conversation with her BEFORE you're married (if you plan on that, eventually, that is), then that is a major character flaw you might want to take into consideration, because this will be a huge issue in your marriage, should you ever get married to him. Boundaries are a beautiful thing and need to be clearly defined & followed.

You have tried to be nice and handle this tactfully. If you only saw her infrequently, I would say just let it go. However, since she does this all the time, you really have to speak up and be more assertive. She is not getting the nice, tactful approach. Tell her in no uncertain terms that your child is not allowed to have _______. If she gets her feelings hurt, then so be it...you tried the other, nonconfrontantional way.

This is what you do. Tell your MIL that you love her dearly but you need to speak with her about something really serious. Your baby is 16 months old. They don't need to be eating junk food. She is harming your baby by feeding her this when she is too young--she can't differenciate what is good vs. bad for her to eat. You say I appreciate you wanting to feed her, but if you want to feed her--ask me! I will give you something she can eat. If you cont. to bring junk food here or food that I don't approve of, I will be forced to ask you to stop coming over for awhile. I don't want this to happen, but this is how strongly I feel about good nutrition. You don't have to agree with me, but I am the parent and I am choosing this for my child. Please respect that.

I hope this helps I know it is hard!

Well, she's not your MIL till you get married. She's your boyfriend's mother. You need to deal with HIS attitude about it first because you have NO PULL here. You're not married, she's not your MIL, and that's just how it is.

If you can get your boyfriend on the same page, and then come up with a way where she can "indulge" without completely derailing your child's healthy eating, that would be best. Don't "punish" her, work together to channel the spoiling.

Sorry, but this woman has no respect for you. If she did, she would stop, or at least limit it to an occasional "guilty pleasure" for your child. Yes, grandmas are known for splurging for their grandchildren, but they shouldn't do it while sacrificing good nutrition for JUNK all the time. Does she buy this food or is it your home? If you or your BF are buying it, stop. If she is buying it, once you see it you need to make it clear that your daughter is not allowed to have it.

You are in a catch 22 if you are living in her former house. She obviously thinks she's still in charge. (I lived in my inlaws 2nd home at one point while we were building, and it was never MY home when she came. She rearranged my furniture, closets, etc... Ridiculous) Anyway, yours thinks she calls the shots. It's time for you to speak up yourself and stop relying on the BF. I doubt he's truly confronted her in a serious manner. You don't have to be ugly, just tell her why you choose not to feed your child the junk and that you really need her to be onboard with you instead of against you as it's for the benefit of your child!

Good luck and welcome to the club of irritating MIL's or boyfriend's moms who are so annoying. :)

My guess is this: what she does not 'get' is that she is not the authority in the home which was once hers.

"We took there home over so it is our house but they lived here for previous 30 years. "

Wow... I can't imagine being older, being shuttled back and forth each week from relative to relative, and then, in my own home, my son's girlfriend is laying down the law with me. My guess is that this could be one way in which she is reasserting her authority in what she likely still feels is her own home. She may see herself in a matriarch position, however, you perceive her to be troublesome to your child's ongoing health.

The thing is, you are both right.

In my perspective, the Grandparent Privilege of feeding sweets only works when it's not the norm and not too often. For example, my folks do sweets with my son and don't always listen, but they only see Kiddo once in a blue moon. He's older, knows this is not the norm, is naggy for sweets for a few days afterward, and then all is well. In your situation, you are right, she is a near-constant presence for significant chunks of time and should be helping you feed your child well.

Here's where your boyfriend NEEDS to step in. Let me first say that I am not against living together before marriage or having a baby together in a committed relationship outside of wedlock. I did this myself and it worked out well(albeit -we were older and both previously married). That said, I have never doubted what my SO said about me to others, to his parents. Not for a second. So, if you are doubting his conversation with his mom ("But, I don't know if he's just telling her i'm weird about food I don't know what they're saying behind my back. So, I don't know if I have a nutritional problem here or a relationship one."), it's time to look away from his mom and take a hard look at your own relationship.

There are still options. Someone else could live in his mom's home and the three of you could still move out. He could have a good heart-to-heart with mom. The three of you could come up with a plan which allows her more autonomy in her former home. Personally, I think this issue goes deeper than a simple "she doesn't respect my wishes"... If it were me in this situation, I'd be looking for a better permanent solution where mom is not living with you in her own home. I'd be moving out into a place which was mine first, and then if she came to stay for a while, there wouldn't be this strange dynamic of Who is REALLY in Charge.

Good luck.

That's too much salt for a 16 month old-their kidneys and arteries can't take it-MIL is not doing enough to find healthy foods that can be construed as "treats". Figure out what little things she can give to your daughter and stick to it-otherwise, she just cannot be around the baby.

Wait -- does "she stays with us every other week" really mean that she LIVES with you full-time for two weeks out of each month? Where does she live the rest of the time? This is -- as you note yourself at the very end of the posting -- a relationship problem, and not just a "feeding" problem.

If indeed she has "no fixed address" and lives with you part-time, first of all call it what it is -- she lives with you 50 percent of the time, she's not "coming to stay" like a visitor. Especially since she used to live in your home for decades, she has zero sense of boundaries, and combine that with a normal and natural grandma tendency to spoil the kid and you have a combination that is going to lead to a damaging and possibly permanent blow-up.

Your BF (not you) should be in charge of this situation; she is HIS mom and HE must be firm with her. But the more important thing here -- if I'm reading this right and she is living half with you, half--where??, is that she needs one full-time home. Period. She will be more comfortable, you will finally feel you are boss in your own home, and you wiill be able to have more control over the times she sees your child-- and that means less time with your child that revolves around mealtime.

Please consider posting here about the real, bigger situation which is not the feeding issues but your MIL's housing issues and why she is in your home so much, at all hours. Do not, please do not!, alienate her. She does sound sweet and as if she has no self-awareness that she is treating her own old home like it IS still her home. She would not get it if you told her "you're in our territory now and acting like it's still yours, and giving the baby foods we forbid is a passive-aggressive way of controlling us, her, and your own territorial feelings in this house." That's all true - but she would not get it, I think.

Find her a real, full-time home and be very positive about it. Your BF needs to step up here and with his siblings or whoever else is involved, get mom going on a life of her own.

Since she ignored your direct requests she is now passive aggressively controlling the relationship. Passive aggressive folks push your buttons until YOU feel like the bad guy. This may have nothing to do with food, and everything to do with control. Your housing situation and girl friend status may make her feel like she should be in control. STOP feeling so kindly towards her and discuss with your boyfriend that you will give her an ultimatum if she does not stop - follow OUR parenting advice or no more visits. To a 16 month old that kind of junk food is TOXIC, she needs fruits and veggies and fiber and vitamins, not grease and empty calories. She is NOT being a nice old grandma, she is destroying your daughter's healthy appetite and your authority as well. Get mad!!!

I am having the same problem with my FIL only my daughter is 8 months old and it's been happening since she was 3 months old. Ice cream, Popsicles, Swiss rolls, anything he is eating he feeds it to her, including sweet tea, coke, spaghetti, you name it my daughter has tried it against my will. I have been overly nice, and overly respectful about the way i try to handle it because they are my husbands parents but last week I left my daughter with my SIL at their house and told her she just had a bottle she has plenty of her snacks and baby food in the cabinet there is no need for table food, and right before I left I said don't let her be fed anything you know I wouldn't let her eat. As soon as FIL realized she was there he came in and said want a Popsicle and SIL said no she said not to let her eat anything she wouldn't feed her! I give my SIL props for standing up to her dad for me and respecting what I ask but he got mad and called my MIL next thing I know me and my husband are getting a phone call saying we aren't going to watch her anymore since you can't trust us. I get completely upset because it's not that I don't trust them with my daughters safety it's just the food is completely unnessacery and harmful for my daughter. We havent talked since I picked her up that day, because a lot of hurtful things were said to me when I left, and i havent gotten an apology. I have a feeling we will be sitting down soon and talking about this. I really need some fast help as to how to get through this talk with my rules set in stone at the end!

If your boyfriend won't tell his mom to stop, she won't. Move out. You are being disrespected left and right and it won't stop. What's next? Hoochie mama clothes for a toddler?

As a grandmother I feel her frustration. It's very funny how mom's these days thing everything is so bad for kids. We raised our kids on these foods and they turned out just fine. If you look back at the nutritional fads you will see they go round and round and round and round. In a year the foods you are feeding your child will suddenly be bad for them and you'll be feeding them different stuff.

Here are the choices I see you having. If she will not listen to you then you can choose to not leave her in her care at all. Stop using her to baby sit for you. Obviously you are leaving your child in her care and she is not doing what you want. SO stop.

Wow, why does she come stay with you ever other week? And how long does she stay? I'd have a problem with THAT and I adore my MIL!
If this was an occasional thing I would say just let it go, but the fact that she's there so much and she clearly doesn't respect your opinion tells me you need to put your foot down. Be firm, and if she continues to be so disrespectful stop inviting her to stay. You can take the baby to see her, on your own time and convenience.

I definately understand. My sister does the same thing. I tell her over and over again not to give my kids all that junk food. She sneaks it to them or makes passive aggressive comments like "your no fun". Not only does she do this with my kids, but she does it with my pets. constantly feeds my dogs table scraps and sneaks them treats to the point they gained weight and became beggers (my dogs never begged before) I asked her to stop, she continues to sneak the treats and often makes sarcastic comments about it.

So frustrating, I love my sister and want to maintain a relationship, but I get so upset with her for giving my kids and animals so much junk food. My sister does this with everyone. Her own daughter is very overweight and my sister feeds her nothing but junk - It is so aggravating.

I will be following your post, I also need a solution to this problem.

Your SO needs to be on the same page with you. An occasional treat is OK in moderation, but you, like the other thread about the FIL, have asked this person to please abide by your feeding guidelines and she "can't help herself". If my own mother couldn't "help herself" and follow my basic rules and fed my kid junk so often that the kid wouldn't be hungry for good meals, my mom would not be spending so much time with her grandchild. I'd be upset that I made a reasonable request that could not be followed.

I would also look and see if the grandmother was being manipulative, stupid, or has a history of placating with food. Is this the only way she thinks she can show love? And I would be really upset if someone came to my home and turned my DD's meals on end for a week. That's not a good guest, either. So what's the deal with her going out and buying things you do not want her to have?

This may also be something where you get the pediatrician to weigh in. Maybe you need a professional voice of reason.

I think you are already a saint to host her every week and if she cannot be a good guest, then she needs to be less of a guest and not stay in your home so much.

Okay you need to look at your boyfriend, critically. Is there anything terribly wrong with him? She raised him, so if you see nothing wrong with him then perhaps what his mom is doing isn't all bad.

It isn't really fair, because it makes us the bad guy, but grandparents bring balance to a child. They make it so the parents can be strict and mold the child while still having fun. You just have to keep reminding yourself that one day you will be a grandma and bring balance as well.

See the beauty of parent child is the child tends to be opposite of the parent. So your child will probably give a lot of junk and you will be there showing the child the world of health. Both will be loved because you bring balance.

So you are looking at what does she not get, hopefully I explained what you don't seem to get. Try working toward the middle instead of trying to enforce your extreme because she will always counter with the opposite extreme. After all wouldn't you be happier if it was not all the time?

I have not read the other responses, and I hope my strong personality doesn't put you off, but you HAVE TO put your foot down! Maybe even to the point of telling her that you won't allow her to spend time alone with YOUR daughter until she changes. Chips at 16 months?? Capri Sun isn't such a big deal (to me), but Long John Silvers and chips are an absolute NO-NO! Regardless of the item, it's YOUR house, YOUR wishes, YOUR daughter.

This feels like a control issue, and she needs to be reminded who the mom is. Yes, flexibility and the occasional treat should definitely be allowed, but not to the point of you having to deal with the aftermath. This is no longer an issue that needs to be dealt with between your boyfriend and his mom....

I finally had to do this with my in-laws regarding several matters, food only being one (another being bedtime schedules and routines). A classic example was when my MIL came to help us move, and I mean help us move by having our kids (5 and 2) while my husband, a friend of mine, and I moved everything for 4 straight days. Tremendous help that I was SOOOOO grateful! However, our 5 yo son got used to sleeping with someone (AGAIN) when she would lay down with him at night and fall asleep (she lives on EST, we are in PST, so understandable). It took us about 6 months to break him of it! It was horrible!!!!!

Now I'm almost dreading their visit next month because they'll be here for 15 days, and my son just started Kindergarten. My husband is already discovering how strict I am regarding our evening routine and bedtime at 8pm. Not 8:01, not 8:05... 8:00. I feel very strongly that I'd rather he get up at 6am (our alarm goes off at 7:15) than have to wake him at 7:15 because he was too keyed up to fall asleep, therefore not getting enough sleep for school. Education is too important, and I'm already bracing myself for a challenge when they're here. At least he's FINALLY in his own bed, so she can't lay with him hehe (I know; I'm awful LOL)

I will say that even my husband - their son - has seen the light with respect to his parents. I laugh out loud every time I think of the specific example because he FINALLY told his mom that our son doesn't need 15 Lightning McQueen's just because one of them has a bush on his head!!!!

Good luck with your situation!!! (And I can't believe she actually got your daughter out of bed to eat LJS!!!!!)

Hi Mrs. wartooth, I know the feeling except I am the healthy grandmother and my son and babies mom are so not. I have had to fight this for so long I decided to buy my granddaughter healthy food so they would catch on. They are slowly getting on board. I have taught my granddaughter what is good and not so whe she is with her parents she educates them.
I know it is hard for you and I am proud of you to want to feed your children healthy. This month is Healthy Child month also. Healthy Child Healthy world is educating parents how to put your children on a wellness path at a young age. It makes a difference. I also give my granddaughter whole food supplements since she was 2 days old. She rarely gets sick.

Good luck to you.

N. Marie

It sounds like it's a battle of control. And while you are the parent and have the final say so, you should allow the grandma some flexibility. Are you avoiding the food because she has some allergy, or is it just because you don't eat those foods? You don't really say.

Grandmas like to spoil and she sees that it makes your daughter very happy. Maybe you can work with her for more appropriate snacks that could be "free for all".

I am so much like you !

AND...unfortunately, food is not the same today. It's soooo processed. I don't let my kids eat have corn syrup -- or anything w/ soy or corn ingredients in it because it's been genetically engineered. When I was little, treats were made w/ pure cane sugar--and less of it ! I am not saying that sugar is good, but, genetically engineered food is scary !

I don't think you will change her mind if u haven't already. I would see if she could come by less.

Another idea is to have her come to the pediatrician's off ice w/ you and have a conversation about the benefits of keeping toddlers away from junk food !