Seeking Advice About Mother-in-law Keeping My Son Occasionally

Go ahead and make other arrangements for that 3rd Friday and if she asks why gently but firmly explain the reason to her and offer her the chance to keep him when it's convient for her. I'm a grandmother of five busy grandchildren and I use to set aside every friday evening and night for my grandchildren to spend the night so that I could bond with them. Their parents were not thoughtful enough to let me know that they would not be dropping them off so, now I keep them when it's convient for me. I still keep them quite a bit but, now I'm not at home waiting to see if they bring them. I work full time and I have a very full social life so, being able to have a set time for my grandbabies is very important to me so I still set time a side for them I just do it according to my schedule. She may be a little upset at first but, if she wants to have a good relationship with her grandchild she will come around.

Write her off. She doesn't want to do it. Nobody forgets that often. Find somebody you can trust. Good Luck!

Just find someone else. My Mom and mother-in-law love my kids but nether would want to take care of them even for one day. They just have there life and there done taking care of kids.

It appears her pattern says it all. I am a grandmother, and I dearly love my grandchildren--even reared two of them--but I don't want to babysit ANYMORE!!!! I have the youngest (4) visit at my choosing. I've never babysat her except at her house once when her parents went out of town for 4 days. It was enough! So don't feel too badly toward your MIL. She may be enjoying her life and just doesn't want the responsibility again.

Had the same mother-in-law 50 yrs ago! Lived only blocks away yet she never came unless with her husband. Then she gushed about how she missed her babies--yada,yada, ya. I would load up my 3 babies and walk to her house but I guess the road just ran one way. Yet she would dress herself up and go downtown Dallas on the bus a couple of times a week to shop!

One day she told my mother that she felt like her daughter's children were her grandchildren and her son's (and mine) were my mother's grandchildren. Well that was fine with me and my mother! The woman was that way until the day she died. My grown children got so tired of her mushy-gushy once a year. She was always too busy to see them the rest of the year.

Some grandmothers may not think they are old enough to be a grandmother. And some just aren't baby oriented. Always seemed so strange to me because my whole extended family were baby lovers!

Ask her nicely if she really has time to baby sit. Tell her don't want to impose if she doesn't. Create opportunities for her to see her grandchild, but try not to have your feelings hurt if she doesn't show. (She will probably come to birthday parties loaded with gifts.) Maybe she feels like my MIL did. Accept her as she is and don't let her ruin your life. At least she is not around enough to tell you how much better she took care of your husband (her son)!!!

It will probably be harder for your husband to adjust to his mother's attitude than for you.

An interesting result of all this is that as upset as he was about his mother's attitude, he has turned out to be the same kid of grand parent.

Enjoy your son and God bless your family.
Great-grandma and loving it.

PS S., after reading the other responses, I have to say one more thing. Don't go into long pyscho-babble speeches. Just ask her straight out. "Mom, would you rather I made other arrangements?" No complaints, no finger pointing. Long speeches designed to save feelings usually do just the opposite.
And Lady, you talk to her yourself. This is women's work!!! Getting your husband involved is sure to cause hard feelings. Keep it simple, Sweetie, it ain't that hard! Just do it and get it over with!
Love to ya!

As I read your post, I was thinking about that old addage: actions speak louder than words. If your mother-in-law can keep track of all the other things she does, but can't keep track of her day to watch her grandson, I'd say it's not that important to her. That's NOT to say she doesn't love him!! She probably just doesn't know how to tell you she'd rather not take on the responsibility of babysitting. My opinion is that you should make other arrangements, apologize to her for changing "the plan," tell her it just works out better this way (without blaming her for always forgetting or anything) and carry on as if everything is just fine. I know the fact that your mother-in-law doesn't seem to really want this time with your son is disappointing to you ... my daughter hardly knows any of her grandparents because they are busy with their own lives and not that interested in having her over or taking her to do things. It breaks my heart that she doesn't have the loving, doting grandparents that I had! But I try to remember it's not about my daughter ... it's about the grandparents. They choose to do other things, and that's their right. I'm just thankful for cousins and aunts and uncles and all the friends who fill our lives with fun and love!! Hope you're able to find an alternative that works well for all of you!

My advice to you is to find other childcare. Some grandparents are VERY involved and others just aren't. It sounds like she falls into the latter category. I am sure that she loves him, but some grandparents feel like they have raised their children and they enjoy their grandchildren but do not want to babysit. I would find other childcare and just let her know that you have made other arrangements going forward, but you did appreciate her help. I can certainly understand how you feel...my parents are VERY involved grandparents and my inlaws just aren't. It is frustrating and hard to understand, but you have to know that they love your child, just in a different way.

S.,

Either your MIL has Dementia or Altheimers (sp?), or she changed her mind about watching your son. I think it's the latter, as everyone else does too! Since she is your husband's mother, have your husband tell her that you two are going to look for daycare elsewhere. Don't let your husband off the hook - she is NOT your mother, which means you should not have to do the "dirty work" and talk to her. This is his job. Best of luck!

Hi S., Im a greatgrandma of seven. This is what I would do. Just make plains for a reliable sitter. I wouldn't say anything more to her. If she truly wants to keep the baby,wait until she ask why you are not bring him over, then tell her you need to know she is able to sit with him, so she would need to write it on her calendar if she is not able to remember. Let her know your emplorer is not that understanding when you say I don't have a baby sitter.

This is your husband's mother. He needs to stand up to his mother and discuss the issue with her. It does not matter if your MIL gets mad, she agreed to take care of your child. She is being irresponsible and making it hard on everyone when she "forgets". Your husband can gently tell her that your child will be staying with someone else since she is not dependable. That will wake her up. Once every three weeks is not a hardship on her. She will get over it. You need to think about your family. Good luck!

I personally would just find another babysitter, and just use your MIL for occasional 1-2 hour babysitting when you and your husband have date night, etc. I think her actions speak volumes, and rather than everyone having hurt feelings, just accept the fact that she's got other priorities, and move on. Not that I agree with her priorities, but I don't know her and that's her business. If she asks why you haven't mentioned babysitting, just let her know that you really have to have a sitter that is firmly committed to those days and you understand she's busy and has other commitments. I know, having a hands-off grandparent can be really hurtful, but sometimes we just have to make the best of the situation.

Make other arrangments. It's your job and not worth the stress.

I have a MIL who's 8 hours away. We will give her MONTHS of notice about our plans to visit. When we get there, she has all these other activites planned. I've come to realize, it's not my problem. She is so wrapped up in herself and her ministering, that she actually puts others before her family (including her other child, grand children and husband that all live in the same city as her). Ultimately, it will be her who missed out. Getting angry and frustrated gets me nowhere, so I just let it go and move on with our plans.

Face it. She is just not that into you! She probably can't even admit it to herself, just it surfaces in her "forgetting to schedule" time for your son. I would make other inquiries about child care and make a time to talk to her with your husband. Tell her you appreciate her offer to sit but you appreciate just how active she is now and you are trying to make other arrangements so it won't interfere with her life now. Make it known that you need consistant, reliable care just like any other working parent. If she really wants to sit she will insist that she will be reliable and will be accountable. If she doesn't want to, you will be giving her a way out while saving "face" for her. I know it is disappointing that she doesn't seem to value her realationship with your son but you have to realize some people never find out what to value untill it is too late..and you can't force them to (I know you are not forcing it), you have to just deal with the consequences of it honestly without malace. Just be happy when she shows up to love and enjoy him and then go on. Ultimately people do exactly what they want to. I have had some difficult times with my Mom in Law but I find if I can stand up for myself while treating her with the repect any Mom deserves we have preserved a 21 year relationship. May God give you guidence in this area and lead you to his ulimate gift of his Son.
B.

It really is your husbands responsibility to talk to his mom about this. All he has to do is ask her if she really is interested in helping once a month and let her know that there is no obligation to do so. You're giving her the OPPORTUNITY to spend time with her grandchild. But, if she would rather not have SCHEDULED time, that's okay, you just need to know. If he is not willing to have this conversation with her, then I would just go ahead and start finding alternative day care for that one day per month. Call her yourself and let her know that some really great opportunity has come available for you to have your child in for that day and that you're going to sign him up for it unless she really feels strongly about keeping him for that day. If she feels strongly about being able to keep him, then you'll pass on the opportunity. If she'd rather just keep him at her leisure, then you'll go ahead and sign him up that way she can do it when she feels like it. Don't accuse her of not being available or not being willing...just make it sound like something great has come along that you're interested in, and you're giving her the choice to continue or discontinue. Be sure to add that she is welcome to have him any time and that you really appreciate all she has done so far etc. The more you can build her up the better. She may have thought she wanted to do this each month but has discovered that an entire day is too long for her. Some people are just that way...it doesn't mean she doesn't love your son.

My mother-in-law used to watch my son when he was a baby and she was the exact opposite -- practically wanted to adopt the kid and kept telling everyone he was hers! Ugh. Families. :)

Best of luck!!

S.,

Take the hint from her actions. She might have thought it was a good idea at first to "watch" your son but it is not in the plan with her hobbies and things. Sometimes people say things on the spur or impulse that they regret later.

Since you and your husband are the parents and you need child care on a scheduled basis, it would be best to get that taken care of in stone and not worry about the MIL and the baby or child care situation. When your boss wants you at the job, he doesn't care how he wants you there. If you can't fulfill that than you have no job. Don't give him an excuse to "fire" you over child care issues.

I know about this (get a professional to watch the child and not someone that doesn't want to do it or is sick and you have no back up). I had several interviews in the 70s that when they asked about child care I told them that such and such center was watching the child and they could not hold being a mother against me. (The center has to deal with the care providers not you and there will be someone on duty to watch the child.) By you getting the child care problem resolved you can live better and stress free. Should the MIL ask it the future, just tell her that your not knowing if she would be available on that day caused great concern and you had to make other arrangments. End of story no explanations given. Welcome to the real world of parenthood and adults.

Yes, we raised our own but that does not mean we may want to raise more children again unless a disaster occures (loss of the parent or something). The MIL now can do what she wants and is apparently doing so. You must remember this is a new generation of grandmothers from the Women's Lib Era and they have other personal (self objectives). Perhaps when he gets older she will be there for him. Good luck. The other S.

I am a mom who raised 4 kids. My youngest is 11, so it has been that long since I had a babe in the house.

At age 49, I recently "happily agreed" to watch a 3-month old for a friend. By the time the day was over, I was exhausted. The baby was an infant - - couldn't move or go anywhere - - but I was totally EXHAUSTED!! . . . and I hadn't gotten anything else done in the house that day like I thought I would. I couldn't believe it. I questioned myself on how I EVER managed with my 4 little ones?!

I was so glad to hand the baby back to it's mom at the end of the day. I was crossing my fingers that she wouldn't ask me again. Of course, if asked, I would have said yes. I am a people-pleaser and have trouble saying no.

Perhaps, your MIL is just like me. We handled our own kids without a hitch, but have forgotten the energy that it took. I like the wise advice from Barbara F.

Welcome to the world of most of us! At least you have one parent willing to help! Both sides of our marriage would never help in that way! Soooo, on that note, you really need to speak with her yourself. consider it a bonding experience. It is not that she does not care about her grandchild, it is just that she has a life!!! Our parents feel as though they have done their tour of duty, and now have an opportunity to do their thing. That being said, they do want to see the children, they just do not want to babysit. When asked, the guilt takes over, and they do not know how to say no. I would give her a call, and make it very light in nature, and take this approach....hi mom, I was just to see if you are on borad for this month? If not, that is just fine! I know you have a lot going on, and babysitting was bad enough when you were 12! Just let me know, and maybe if not, maybe we can plan a lunch or activity to do together instead. That way you are letting her know it is ok, and you will not hold it against her! Also, you are beginning your relationship, and not talking through your husband. The husband's mother always feels a little left out, because the is ususally always closer to her mom. I have never known another way, other than the wife taking the bull by the horns!

Dear S. H,

This message is written from the perspective of a mother, a mother-in-law,a grandmother AND a daughter! You are so very kind and considerate of your mother-in-law's feelings. You sound like a great mom and a delightful person! Unfortunately, you MAY be right that your son is not a big priority in your husband's mother's life, but there could be other (even more unfortunate) reasons for her absent mindedness. Please pay close attention to her and make sure she isn't developing a disease. My dad has Alzheimer's. At first, he just seemed forgetful and absentminded. Early treatment is key. Daddy was diagnosed over 8 years ago, and he still recognizes us and is able to do easy tasks (dressing, bathing, even mowing the yard!). We believe his success is due in great part to the fact that he was diagnosed very early in the disease and started taking medication early.

Of course, this may not be the case at all. It may just be that, since "her week" only occurs once a month, she isn't in the habit yet. SO, in addition to checking with her a month in advance, why don't you send her a cute little reminder card a week in advance? It could even be sent from your son! She might think it's special to receive a note from her grandson, telling her how excited he will be to see her "next Friday".

I also suggest asking your mother to keep her schedule free on 3rd Fridays for a while until you determine exactly what is going on--whether your mother-in-law really doesn't care or just isn't remembering. I bet your mom would be understanding, if you explained the siutation to her.

One word of caution--If your mother-in-law IS suffering from dimentia, you may not want her to be responsible for your son.

I'm sure, with patience and kindness, everything will work out.

May God bless all of you!

Deb D

Maybe your mother-in-law is a bit afraid of keeping your son since it has been so long since she had children. Maybe she really doesn't want the responsibility but is afraid to tell you and make you and her son upset and mad. If I were you, I would find someone else to take the 3rd Friday and not bring it up to her again. Especially since you have checked with her and she doesn't remember. Since she lives so close and only sees him once a month, it doesn't sound like being a part of his life is a priority. I wouldn't lay any guilt trips on her about not keeping him. Next time she sees him and says how much he has grown, etc., I would again say that she is free to drop by anytime. Or, maybe you could invite her over for dinner or dessert so she could spend time with him while you are there (in case she is nervous about her skills as a grandmother with a small baby). I was very fortunate in that my in-laws kept our son a lot. But at first my mother-in-law wouldn't keep him by herself. She always watched him when her husband was there. I think she was nervous about having such a little baby in the house by herself.

Good luck.

DJ

i think how you phrased it is just great.
"This is a touchy subject and I don't want to make you mad. I realize that you are in a place in your life where you can come and go when you want and do what you want. But I am getting the impression that watching the baby is may not be your ideal of fun. You seem to forget the friday's that you agreed to, but always write down your hobby commitments. If you don't want to watch him can you be honest with me and say so? I just need to know which way it is so I can make the necessary changes to the schedule. If you say you are going to keep him---I need a concrete answer one way or the other. And for you to be reliable if you say "yes" you will keep him. I don't want you to feel guilty and we don't want to have a tense situation, and we don't want you to feel taken advantage of, or for you to feel resentful. But this is really important to us to have the childcare nailed down, as my emoployer is not very understanding with childcare issues."
Have your husband with you and you do the talking.
But honestly, with the way she is acting, I think that you already know the answer.
My dad and his wife keep my 3 boys. Every weekend when me and my husband work. I work two nightshifts a week. but my husband has a rotating schedule, so eventually he will have a weekend off on my nights to work. We had to have an honest talk about them letting me know their needs, when they needed a break, or wanted a weekend to themselves. Now, my boys are older, 13.5, 12, 8.5 so they help him alot with things. Like welding, feeding the cows, helping build fence. He also fixes their bikes etc. But you have to have an open relationship in order to do that, and not worry about her getting mad. If you worry about making her mad at wanting to know if she can commit or not, then she is not the person to take care of the baby. PERIOD. She is more of a Grandma that is a little more hands off. And face it with the way she is acting it sounds like she really doesn't want to. And maybe secretly relieved when you find someone else. If you husband can't talk to her because she might be mad, I think that also says it all. He certainly won't advocate for either one of you in this situation should it be required of it further.
I would find someone else. Stop reminding her. When she asks about where the baby is, then simply tell her, that you felt as if she was in a place in life to want to be free of committments, since she didn't write it down and remember like she does her hobbies, and that you needed a committment and someone to be reliable. That she can pick him up anytime she feels like it. She might come by or call more when she feels like there are no committments or you guys aren't always angling for her to babysit. She can do what she wants, when she wants. And that you have recognized her need to do that in this area or time of her life. But only if she brings it up. Then just be nice like you have always been.
My Aunt has a saying "Your actions are speaking so loudly, I can't hear what you are saying."
And I think that applies in this situation.
Good luck,
L.

I think she loves her grandson and agreed to watch him before she realized how hard it is to keep a small child again. Now she doesn't want to admit she isn't up tp watching the baby all day. Or she doesn't want to hurt anyones feelings so she just doesn't say anything. I agree with what some others have said. Make time to spend time with Grandma and see how she interacts with the baby. Its not her duty or priority to babysit,just to be Grandma. Like my Mom always says,"I already raised my children!" I think she will be relieved if you find someone else. Just don't forget to take the baby by to see Grandma as often as you can. I am sure she still wants to be Grandma,just not the babysitter. Good Luck to you,J. G

S.,
In-law relationships are very difficult in the best of circumstances. It sounds to me like your mom in law wants to be with him, but had a busy life of her own, which is wonderful! I would highly recommend finding someone to watch him on the days you have to work and save mom in law for emergencies. You and your husband have to sit down and talk to her. Tell her how much you appreciate her offer for watching your son, but that you both realize now that she has a wonderful active life of her own and don't want to slow her down. So, you have decided to look for someone to watch him when you work, but were hoping she would be available for last minute emergencies, such as if your son were sick or his sitter was sick, etc. Open communication is the best for this situation and your husband has to be with you, as it is his mom. She may protest, but stand firm and say you feel it is best for all of you. Then, start looking for a SAHM or small in home daycare that is certified by the state.
My parents are retired teachers and have a very active life and are used to doing their own thing. So, I completely understood when they could only watch the twins once a week. They would also watch the twins in a pinch or if the sitter was sick etc...However, they were always exhausted by the time I picked the kids up and I am not sure how good it was for them to do that. I think this may be what is going on with your mom in law. I do not in anyway think he is not her priority, but her life is important, too and maybe she bit off more than she can chew. I know that is hard to understand when it is your child you are talking about, but I really think you just need to talk and let her off the hook. It could be much worse...she could ask you to step out of pictures of the family...had it done to me! Lots of fun! I would also recommend that you pray with your husband before you talk to her so that God will give you the right words. Good luck! It is a sticky situation!

Unfortunately, it sounds like she has already made it clear that she doesn't want to keep him. Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you. But if she can remember everything else in life except this, it sounds like she just isn't interested. Approaching her directly and asking if she's interested probably wouldn't work, since you have said she always says she's available. So maybe you could tell her (nicely) you're looking for someone else to take the Friday slot since you know she has a lot going on in life right now. How she reacts may give you further confirmation as to whether or not she really wanted to do it.

I agree with Judy G's statement. Your MIL sounds a lot like my own Mother...she wants to bond and have a relationship with the grandkids, but quickly realizes that it's not that easy for a 60 year old to keep up with little ones! She loves the kids and doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings by saying "no" so she plays the "forgetful old woman" card in hopes that you'll soon realize she's just not up to the task on a regular basis.

Line up an alternative. If your husband is reluctant to bring it up to his Mother for fear of her getting mad, then she probably is the kind of person who said something she meant at the time, changed her mind about it and doesn't know how to get out of it now. Ultimately you want "Grandma" to be thrilled when she spends time with baby-boy. Give her an easy out and make life simple on yourself.

Why don't you just ask her? Your husband needs to step up and say ....mom you have agreed to watch him and then make other plans. Would you prefer to just watch him upon request? She may just be enjoying her life and does not realize she is presenting herself in this way. If your husband can't step up, there are ways to sensitively approach the subject. And, you should not worry so much about saying the wrong thing to her. She is an adult, you have a legitamate concern and it is perfectly okay to address the daycare needs of your child with her. If you all really can't discuss this with her, I would be concerned about her watching the child. Not because she would harm the child, but wait until there is a clash w/ discipline styles. Then you are really in for it. If you have to find an alternative and wait for her to address you as to why. But, really it is better to just be up front and honest.

If my husband had brothers, I'd think you were my SIL.

I would find other arrangements for the baby.Whether she wants to watch him or not, it is clear that he is not top priority. Maybe he hurts her back, maybe she is afraid she'll lose her cool, maybe he cramps her style... regardless, I wouldn't use her for childcare.

That said - my kids are 2 and 5 now, and my MIL complains regularly about how little she gets to see them - but unlike the older two, I am expected to bring the kids over and sit until she gets tired of seeing them, then bring them back home. It's an hour round trip. Nough said.

It sounds like she isn't that interested in the arrangement any more. But you shouldn't assume so you and your husband should invite her over & ask her about it. Be sure to tell her you appreciate the babysitting she has done and tell her that you understand if she is too busy. She has already raised her kids after all. It sounds like you kind of have that mindset already, you just need to know because you need reliable child care on those few Fridays. Good luck!

Just get another reliable babysitter. No questions asked. If your mother in law asks , then tell her outright and in a nice way that it was causing you some stress as to whether she will be able to keep the baby or not. Just keep it simple, obviously, your mother in law has a lot of other activities going and if she really values this once a month "grandma time" then she will quickly re evaluate her time management and priorities ,but in the meantime, at least you have your peace of mind as to who will take care of your baby when you and your husband will be working.
Good luck...

It might be a good idea to get another sitter for that 3rd Friday each month and then have "grandma time" when dad can be there or when you both can be there. Plan activities that the 4 of you may enjoy together and invite her to do them with you at a time that is good for her. That way she can have time with grandbaby without having the "stress" or whatever it may be of watching him for a whole day. As for talking to her, I'd let hubby do that. I love talking to my MIL about lots of things, but if I had a concern of some sort (short of her taking advantage of me or making me feel like she's degrading/not respecting me or my husband's and my relationship) I'd probably let him handle it, since he's her child, and even if it comes across a little wrong, she's certainly not going to have bad feelings toward him for it.

Good luck.

3 suggestions
1 - as it has been suggested spend time with mom-in-law just you and the baby more often
2 - ask her straight out, this may or may not be best accomplished by your husband asking her straight out but if you are the one to do so practice on a friend first (smile)
3 - make other arrangements for your own sanity for a couple of months so that you have a plan B
4 - Try your best to not let this be, or become that big of a deal, you are family and are learning about each other, try to do so with as huge scoops of love and heaping cupfuls of forgetfulness for slights & small differences

God Bless

I would just go ahead and schedule a more reliable situation,and if you can make it one you can cancel at short notice- that way if she does decide to be dependable you can cancel- and if not you already have a plan. I understand your husbands reluctance, but it may be the difference between you having a job or not- how reluctant is he? Is it worth losing the job over?

She is sooo blessed to be so close and I pray she takes advavtage of this situation. If not she will regret it later on. How bout since ya'll live so close that evry 1st of the month YOU go write it on her calender, put it in her cell phone remeinder etc. plus talk to her about it at the beginning of each week thereafter. If she continues to 'make other plans' then she really doesn't want the responsibility....some g'mas are like that. Selfish i think.

Instead of a month ahead, call a week ahead and say "Are we still on for babysitting, or has something came up" Too bad she doesn't write it down a month ahead, but try the week ahead so if she says she has plans you still have a week to come up with a babysitter or a day care, and if this happens a couple times in a row, just nicely say, you are so busy with such a full life we will make other arrangements for a babysitter, as naturally I have to do this in advance, and you just come visit your grandson anytime, and you can still see him grow on your schedule. That shouldn't make her mad if she isn't going to babysit, and if she is, maybe the week ahead notice will get her on track.

I am a firm beliver of my talking to my mom/family about things, and hubby talking to his. Each of you has had a relationship with your parents and is less likely to tick them off permanantely b/c of the relationship you have! (assuming is a good one! and since you are talking about leaving your son with her, I'm assuming you have a good relationship). I would strongly urge hubby to bring up the topic with his mom. It doesn't have to be anything dramitic, but just a simple conversation that says something like "hey mom, I wanted to make sure you have on your calendar when that Friday comes that both of us have to work. It's 3 weeks from now on the X. Will you be able to watch Blake? We really appreciate you offering to help us like this. I know there have been some conflicts a few times. I sure hope you feel comfortable enough to let us know if you prefer not to commit to this. Trust me, we know how much work it is to care for him, and if you feel like it's too much, that's fine, we just need to find alternate arrangements". I'd also call the week before and the night before to make sure everything is good to go. If another conflict arrises, I'd make sure I have a good backup plan and then I'd just make alternate arrangments and say something like "we really appreciate you offereing to watch Blake but it seemed like it was conflicting with your schedule so much that we've made alternate arrangements." This is your jobs and they are important! If your hubby talks to her, you give her another chance with reminders a week and a day before and she still has other committments, then it's not a priority to her. that doesn't mean she doesn't love your son, just that she has other priorities for her time right now.

As a grandmother & great-grandmother ...it's hard to believe that she lives that close & doesn'nt see him a least every other day. I was fortunate that 6 of my 8 grandkids lived just minutes from us when they were small. We attended all their ball games, dance recitals, etc. & loved every minute of it. I believe grandparents are very important to children & their very fortunate to live close by. Two of my great grandchildren live in Vegas for the last yr. & it's just broke our hearts. Our other one lives in The Colony but we get him every week end. My daughter (his grandmother) picks him up on Fri. & takes him back on Sun. afternoon. I'd suggest being up front with your mother-in-law & just asking if this is too much for her & tell her you understand...(even if you probably don't) Trust me....this is her loss & not yours. She'll regret it someday. Does she have a husband? or does she just want to be free on the weekends? Good luck & I'm thankful for your son that he has your Mom in his life.

I LOVE what Diana C said. Love her for who she is and where she's at. I too come from a long extended family that centers itself around the kids. My husband's family ... not so much. Don't get me wrong, they all love kids - just their won and don't see any reason to get together so this next generation can develop relationships with their cousins. It is sad to me, but that's where they're at.

When you take on the conversation own it. No fuss - just the simple truth ...

... and approach it in love. As a Christian I will tell you to pray first. Pray that your words would be led in love and God honoring (because we're commanded to honor our parents.) so God will be faithful to your heartfelt request.

You've already given more thought to this than most. By asking all of these wonderful mom's how to handle this difficult situation you are showing your concern toward your Mother-In-Law.

Blessings to you as you go forward.

To me it seems that her life is the priority over your son. I understand she has a life...but come on! She lives less than a mile away and only sees him once a month!!!! That alone would piss me off!

If she cant seem to remember the day's that she is to watch her grandson than find alt babysitter.

Tell her that you understand that she has an hetic schedule and is very busy and you dont want to interfere with her plans. That you appriciate her wanting to help but that you feel it would be better for you to hire a babysitter for Friday's. That you would love have her over more for visits and that he does miss his grandma.

Too me it is not worth having a Fight with the Mother In Law...believe me I know.

Hire a babysitter.

Hi S.,

I am writing from the perspective of one who was a mother of little ones and is now grandmother to a 15 month old who is a delight beyond words.

I can certainly understand your frustration at not having your child care arragnements solid when you are scheduled to work. That puts you under constant pressure, I am sure.

However, being a grandmother and being a babysitter are not the same thing. Grandparenting is great fun, but child care is work - and a confining job, at that. You mentioned that your mother-in-law "is always off" on Fridays. Apparently she already has a job.

You say that before the baby was born, your mother-in-law "agreed" to keep the baby every 3rd Friday. Did she offer? Or was she asked? Was the request made in view of your own mother's seemingly generous offer to keep the baby one day each week? Would that have put her under pressure?

Some grandmothers just love taking care of the babies and can't get enough of it; others enjoy the children more as they get older. Neither is best; they are just different.

The fact that your mother-in-law does not seem eager to babysit for you on her day off, does not mean she does not care about the baby and want to play an active role as grandmother. It may mean she does not have the time now to take on a part-time job as babysitter. The fact that she spends her time on hobbies does not mean she has her priorities wrong. Grandparenting may be a priority for her - not child-care.

I suggest you find other sources for childcare at this time and allow her to just enjoy being the grandmother SHE is designed to be. If you do this with a gracious and understanding heart, I believe it will pay big dividends in the long run - for your son, as well as you.

Enjoy your precious little one. He will grow up so fast!

Dear S.,

My advice would be simple: Just make other arrangements on Friday for your child and don't mention anything at all to your mother-in-law. If she remembers and is truly interested, let her contact you. Then if she asks that opens the door for the discussion of why you made other arrangements. If she wants out of this gracefully, she can just never mention it.

Being a working mom myself, it's NOT worth the hassle to keep trying to make this arrangement work. Nobody needs the stress.

L. F.

I'm sorry to hear that a grandmother whom lives so close can't take time out of her busy schudule for a gift from God.I really feel that your husband should bite the bullet and address this with her.If she gets upset it is because she nos she is not spending her time in the right place.I no that you working has got to have someone that she can depend upon.Your hubby really needs to be the one.

Hey, S.! I am going to have to DISagree with the others on this one--although I can feel your frustration, girl!! If your MIL "happily agrees" to keep your son, it is probably because she's happy to do it. I think if she really didn't want to do it, she would make an excuse earlier,I doubt she would leave you in a lurch by "forgetting" when you show up. Maybe she is worried about being a meddling MIL, or maybe she's scared that she might do something wrong. It has been awhile for her, right?

My suggestion is to make plans to spend time with her (you and your son) when you are not working. Maybe if you're around when she's interacting with your son you will see that she really does love being with him (she might seem disinterested at the end of the day b/c she's tired!). Also, she may be nervous about doing something wrong. If you guys hang out, it might be a good time to model how to take care of the baby or slip in some hints on how to do what, and she may feel more at ease asking questions.

I do think it needs to be YOU to address this problem. If your husband talks to her, she may feel like you are angry or unable to be open with her...that is not good. Try ladling praise on her and telling her what a lifesaver she is for watching him those Fridays. Maybe just tell her you'll be sure to call her the Monday before (I personally think it would be a little hard to remember the 3rd Friday...) to remind her. If she needs to back out you can find someone else. Or, if you can, try to peek at her calendar. Maybe you could find something on there you guys could do together and at the same time look for conflicts on your Fridays. Maybe ask, "hey is it OK if I put Blake down for Friday the 10th, or are you busy?"

Give her the benefit of the doubt for now. I hope it works out for you, because Grandmas are so wonderful and important to our kids.GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Hi S.,
I have a mother in-law that loves her grandchildren very much but is also just so busy with her life, that we only see her (and my father in-law) about once a month, as well.

It sounds like your mother in-law has the "I already raised my children, now it is my time to have fun" attitude. It used to bug me at first (okay, it still does), but I just had to accept it. She married young, had children young, and now she is doing lots of traveling, lunch with friends, and shopping.

When my mother in-law has watched my son (which is only a few times within the last 6 years), it was like pulling teeth to get her to commit. I never knew until the last minute. That is too stressful for me.

I would totally suggest that you just make other arrangements AND do not get your feelings too hurt if she never mentions it. I don't understand my mother in-law's attitude, but I have just had to accept it and it made my life easier.

Good luck,
R. B.

S.

I would make alternate plans for babysitting on that Friday. Then, on Monday find a way to chat with your MIL so as to remind her "so we will see you on Friday???". On Thursday, call and confirm. IF she bails on you, no big deal, you have an alternate plan.
This way, you can keep peace and harmony. IF, she seems hesitant on Monday or Thursday, you can quickly say, : If it is inconvenient this week I can make other arrangements" in a helpful tone. If after that it is brought up by her, then all you have to do is tell her to let you know when she might want to care for the baby so as to spend time with him.
Good Luck

S.,

It's truly your husband's responsibility to ask his mother if she would like to keep your son. As the daughter-in-law asking could make her more stand-offish than if her own son approached the subject. When my husband and I went to pre-marital counseling at our church, this is a subject they made very clear, you should handle situtations with your own parents and your spouse should back you up on every situation. You are a united front and now considered one or a team in the eyes of God. This has worked wonderfully in our home, let's hope your husband steps up to the plate. Because, right now, he's worried about making his mother mad at your expense and your son's expense and your job's expense!

S.,

I wouldn't bring it up to her at all. I would just find other arrangements for that 3rd Friday. Don't even tell her. Perhaps after a few months have gone by, she'll call and say,"what happened to me watching Blake?"...or perhaps she won't. It's her loss.
It sounds too stressful to deal with making sure she remembers to watch him. Put an ad on craigslist,join sittercity,or even post a "need nanny for every 3rd Friday" here on mamasource.
You'll get plenty of responses. I think the going rate is about 10 an hour but if that is out of your ballpark, you can try a part time in home daycare. They run about $30 a day. Try Mary's Little Lambs or La Petite Ecole.
Confronting the MIL will not make her more responsible or increase her desire to spend time with Blake. It will only cause tension.
It's interesting how us mothers deal with MIL's. My mom is no longer alive but when she was here, she would bend over backward for her nieces and nephews. I can only imagine how she would have been with her own grandchildren. She would have hogged up my babies for sure and I'd have had to wrestle her to get them back. :)
I envy the Moms who have Moms nearby.

I think I would plan something else and then tell her that you have to depend on care as work does not let you skip when plans fall through. She may love your child but a 5 mo old is so demanding of time. Maybe when he is a little older where she can take him with her to places and shop and not be devoted so much to feedings and naps. If you have not had children around it is so time consuming and hard on us old people. I had about 5 2 yr olds in my Day Care and that Sat I could not move. I could not do anything but lay on the couch all day. I feared that it would not be gone by Monday when they all come again. But after a day staying moble I did better on Sunday and by Monday I was ok. We raise our children and get that free time and many times our children do not call or come over or give a hoot about us and we learn to get by with a new life. I enjoyed my women groups for about three years until divorce caused me to seek income and I chose children again as it was the one thing I have done all my life. Anyway, got to get back to my children. G. W

I always say the passive-aggressive way is the worst thing to do! It puts everyone on the defensive and never gets any RESOLVE to the issue. Maybe she doesn't want to commit to babysitting every 3rd Friday, but maybe it is something else. The ONLY way to find out what is really going is to ask. Just plain and simple. I would say (or my husband say) something like this: "I just wanted to firm up the babysitting every 3rd Friday. We've really appreciated the times that you have done it and we would be happy to have you continue it. We also want to be respectful of your time too. So we have some other options if you are needing that time to do other things. We completely understand either way. We love the idea of you having that bonding time but we also understand your need for your time too. We just need to have firm plans because my boss isn't understanding of childcare issues." That puts it out there without putting her on the defense and giving her a way out if that is what she is wanting.
Good luck!

Hi there S., I totally agree with Alexandra M., you should make other arrangements for someone else to watch little Blake for you. I too would not mention it to my mother-in-law. Maybe that's what she wants, too, that you find someone else but can't bring it up to you. Maybe after a while when she does ask about why she hasn't been asked to watch Blake, THEN you can bring up the situation and see what she has to say. Good luck to you S., I'll keep my fingers crossed for you :).

My mother-in-law currently watches our daughter full-time as she is retired. She is happy to do it, but because she is in her late 60's I see her exhausted and worn out at the end of the day. The free time she did have before watching her granddaughter is minimum now and although she does it happily, I know it is a hard job.

When I told my mom about hubby's mom watching her, she was jealous because she thought my daughter would love and know her more. She quickly got over that feeling and actually told me early on that although she loves our daughter very much and does make efforts to see her as often as she can, she is glad she does not watch her becuase she wants to be known as a grandmother and not as a caretaker.

I'm sure your mother-in-law loves your son and that's why she offered in the first place, but from a baby-sitting perspective, maybe she feels like she's more of a "caretaker" than a grandma and that's why she's shying away in her own passive way. Because you are both moms and sensitive to this issue, have your husband talk to her and just have him ask her if she wants to do it or not. Either that or go ahead and plan alternative backup and just wait for her to be ready to be a part of your son's life. This is a time when you really do need her help, but she could also be waiting when he grows up a little more and she can do more things with him.

You didn't say if this is the only grandchild? Not that it makes a difference, but I didn't know if she has others she shares her time with also. I would just honest and talk with her and ask if with all her other activities if it is difficult for her to commit to this day. If so find someone else and let her know any time she would like to spend time with him she is welcome to pick him up and spend the day with him, even if it is one of the other days. I am a grandmother of 6 and I am not that old (you didn't mention her age), but it seems the days are shorter now and I don't have the time I had even when my children were growing up. Then again maybe I am just moving slower. Just speak in love.

I'm a new grandmother and my granddaughter is 7 months old. I watch my granddaughter in the afternoon while my daughter attends college. She works a full-time job and goes to school full-time. I sometimes feel that I have signed on as a mother since the new baby arrived. I love my grandbaby and love to see her. I also watch her on Saturdays so that my daughter can work on Saturdays. I never have Saturdays for myself. I miss just being off without the responsibilities of a grandbaby-eventhough I love her with all my heart.

Maybe your mother-in-law misses her day off and wants to be free to do the things that she truly enjoys and does not want to tell you this. Maybe this is why she "forgets" this particular obligation but always remembers everything else. She may feel guilty about not wanting to take her time and babysit. She's raised her kids and probably looks forward to this time in her life when she is free to do what she wants, when she wants. Eventhough your mother-in-law loves her grandbaby, maybe she doesn't want to feel obligated to babysit on a permanent basis. She probably wants to see the baby when she wants to and not because she has to on a scheduled basis.

See if you can find someone else to keep your child on a permanent basis and let grandma watch her grandchild when she wants to and not because she is obligated to.

you and your husband just need to bite the bullet and sit her down and ask her. its not going to get resolved by just ignoring it. i know i am living proof. he needs to quit tiptoeing around and be a man when it omes to his mother and your son. that is his child too.he needs to jsut flat out ask instead of worring about making her mad.. good luck and god bless.