Don't Know the Next Step in Getting Help for My Daughter

.

I am sorry you (and she) are going through this. Is there anything going on at home or school that is new since this started? I know kids can just go through different phases but on the other hand if she is fine at school and angry at home that would make me start thinking is she mad at mom dad or another adult around at home and doesn't know how to express herself? I would definitely take her to a counselor and see if they have anything to add. Good luck!

I disagree with getting a different pediatrician. They are not mental health or behavioral experts; go to someone who is. You can try therapy for her, family therapy, or therapy for yourself (or yourself and your husband). A therapist or behavioral psychologist knows what's normal, and I'd say that if you're to the point of taking videos and she's trying to hurt herself, it's time for a visit with a mental/behavioral health specialist.

Also, I had a friend who took everything out of her son's room, and she discovered that when you take EVERYTHING away, you leave yourself with a kid who feels he has nothing to lose, which is not necessarily a good situation for either of you.

Good luck! I know you are trying to do the right thing and keep her safe and your family sane.

If it were me the first thing i'd do is empty her room of everything but the mattress, a pillow, and a blanket so that she can't hurt herself. Tell her you will be choosing her outfits for now. When she acts up, send her to her empty room. If she normally hangs out playing in her room for large amounts of time make sure you plan all of her time outside of school so that she is not left to get bored and get into trouble. Chores are good if you are stuck for things to do.
Meanwhile, yes, get a new pediatrician, check with the school counselor, and check with your health insurance company - mental health benefits often work differently from your regular health benefits and it may be that they limit you to a few choices of counselors anyway. But.. Get to a counselor A.S.A.P. and work out what you are going to do from there.

She does it at home because she is safe there. She is always on her best behavior in public because she does not know exactly what will happen if she puts on a stink act.
Set some ground rules with real sonsequences.

Take every thing out of her room
she can earn it back

Give her a positive for doing chores, homework, etc
we used chocolate milk at dinner for smileys from the teacher, (mine was awful for teachers)

Give her one on one time with just you or just dad, it can be her reward for getting her chores done or whatever, she and daddy go Christmas shopping. (Tell him to like it) Then he can take her out for a Mc Flurry

Get her into some form of physical exercise, tae kwon do, or other martial arts

Make no mean no and yes mean yes. So if you promise her something follow through.

Read the 5 Love Languages, This really helped me with my daughter. It's actually for relationships but it opened my eyes as to who my children are and how they needed me to express my love to them.

Get her into a routine, let her have a snack after school, then her chores, then do her spelling while you do dinner, then after dinner she does math.
After homework is bath. After bath is a story with mom or dad.

Let her know before hand what is expected, with everything

Play soft music in her room.
Make sure she has a night lite, perfect time to get one, everything is on sale right now. We got a cute one at Lowe's.

Check her diet, eliminate the junk. This is easier said than done.

You are not crazy and she is playing you right now.

Consider family therapy. if she acts differently out in public, you need to figure out different mechanisms in the family. Perhaps a parenting class?

So, you know she can behave since the teachers say she behaves at school. She can show empathy since you say she interacts with friends just fine. If she is getting good grades then there probably is no learning disability.
If you really want to get to the bottom you could take her to a neuropsychologist and have her tested with a "full core" (basically all tests). We have had our daughter tested since she HATED school and cried most mornings and loved being home and behaved fine at home but was super quiet at school, and school kept saying she must have ADD and the counselor worried she was getting bullied, but she has dyslexia and is of superior intelligence and is bored most of the time and lost some of the time. A neuropsych can determine her learning style with strengths and weaknesses and explain them to you. There may be some kind of deficit that is not obvious, or perhaps he will find all is well and she needs some counseling.
One other thing comes to mind which is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (from Wikipedia):"To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen. People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticised. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight criticism, real or imagined.To avoid such situations, some narcissistic people withdraw socially and may feign modesty or humility."
I would ask people you know about a good psychologist or psychiatrist and dig deeper. If she is this out of control at age 7 then she will be really hard to live with come puberty. I feel for you, since a mother (or parent) is only as happy as her unhappiest child, and it sounds like this child is not happy with anything in your home, which may mean she is not happy with herself and blaming outward.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_dis...
Wishing you strength to get to the bottom of this. (((hugs)))

Take down the bunk beds. Instigate consequences for her unwanted behaviors. Write down the desired behaviors on a special chart and at the bottom have specific consequences with a limited time frame (so that there's an end in sight) for the consequence.

1. We will be respectful to each other. If you are disrespectful, then you will lose the privilege of computer time for ____ hours out of your allotted ____ hours for the week starting immediately.

2. We will keep our rooms tidy. If your room is untidy, then you will lose the privilege of keeping your door closed for privacy until you have cleaned your room.

3. We will take care of our bodies. If you don't follow this rule, then you will lose the privilege of TV time for ___ hours out of your allotted ____ hours for the week starting immediately.

4. We will obey Mom and Dad. If we don't follow this rule, then you will lose the privilege of ____ for the day and the weekend.

5. We will be kind to our sister/brother. If we don't follow this rule, then you will lose the privilege of ____ for the day and the weekend.

6. Every time we break a house rule, we will have to apologize for breaking the rule and we will have a time out for 7 minutes. If we try to get out of time out before the time is up then we have to start time out all over again. If we have to go into time out for the same reason more than two times in a day then you will lose the privilege of computer time or TV time or video game time for the rest of the week and the entire weekend.

Obviously you can tweak this, as it's just for ideas, but it works. It keeps you from having to think up consequences off the top of your head and you also don't have to worry about creating a consequence that's too harsh. If you have something in writing, it can help you better to feel in control and that's what she needs.

It's very possible that at school she has that rigid routine that makes her comfortable and secure plus she knows if she steps out of line there are clear and established consequences. She may need something similar at home, so in addition to having established consequences I would try setting up a chart with a schedule/routine that she can look at and count on. Some kids need it more than others.

Basically what I'm saying is that at school she knows exactly what's expected from her. That gives her stability and confidence. She needs the same at home. You can even use the phrase, "I expect you to ____..." more often. Be explicit about that. I have to do this with my kids since they don't just automatically know a lot of the time.

What about going to her school counselor?

Try a new pediatrician, or see if you are able to talk to the social worker at school. Has she ever been tested for any sort of dis-order. Have you tried google searching her types of meltdowns. I would begin to keep a record of when they happen, how long they last, how her day at school was, all food intakes, the weather, how things are at home...maybe after a week or two you will notice a pattern. I know a new pediatrician is probably a hard choice (it wouldbe for me). Have you talked to the special education teacher at school, is there a chance she is twice exceptional (gifted in one area but below in a different area). Have you had her examined for mental health, or bi-polar? Keep going to different Doctors until they are able to help you. What about a child psychologist. Are there any issues happening at home. I am very involved in my daughters' school, and becoming a teacher myself, so I know that the principal and others at school would be willing to help. Remember...the squeaky wheel gets the oil!!! You have to be your child's advocate, no one else will be. Good luck and best wishes with your research. Remember if you have "that feeling", it is usually right. My friend is going through the same thing with her 11 year old son, maybe she has OCD or ADD or maybe meds would help. I am just throwing things out that maybe you could research and get ideas. The more people you talk to the more ideas you will get as to what your next step is.

Good Luck!
C.

Your daughter sounds like my daughter. My daughter just turned six and has been hitting herself and otherwise throwing tantrums since she was two. Now that she can read and write, she keeps leaving hate notes for me too. Lovely. She is a perfect angel for everyone else, has lots of friends, and does well in school.

I recently emptied out her room and plan to put away most of her toys, books, CDs, etc. because she just won't clean up after herself. I think she is over-stimulated and has a hard time making choices. The fewer options she has, the easier it is for her to make decisions. I figure if she has few toys to put away, the less likely she will be to get in trouble for not cleaning up after herself too.

I don't really have an advice for you, but I'm interested in reading the other responses you get. Good luck to you!

Wow. This is my dd when she turned 7. My pediatrician didn't believe us and we got little help. She did ask us if we were being too controlling, insisting she do everything our way. I explained that at times, after trying to get her to clean her room and the major meltdowns, we insisted right back and spanked her.

We saw a counselor in her sixties who made it worse by telling me to be harder on her. I feel we made her angry deep down and broke the trust by being so harsh. We also tried to scare her with disobeying leads to trouble later in life. That was not helpful and she began thinking we were going to send her away.

We talked to a neuropsychologist and pediatrician who told us the behaviors could be normal or not. She will evaluate my child in a few weeks
for $3,000 and make suggestions what will help or what hurts. The school was no help at all as she is "perfect" for them.

I would get a second opinion as well. On one hand, kids her age will act out and doing it at home with you, just tells me its because she feels safest with you. (We always hurt the ones we love sort of thing) However, for her to try to harm herself would concern me as a mom too. Talk to another pediatrician and the school counselor. If you attend a church perhaps talk to someone that could help there. Is there anything in your family history medically that could possibly attribute to this sort of behavior? Has anything in your family or with her friends happened that could cause these emotional outburts? Is she a perfectionist? I agree with Candice. Start documenting when these outbursts happen and what took place prior to it to see if there is a pattern. Keep a food diary. There are so many kids that have food allergies. My neighbor's son doesn't eat any dairy and she says it has helped him with behavioral issues. Talk to your daughter (calmly) when she is in a pleasant mood about what she thinks is going on with her. You and your husband should make a point to have some one on one time with her, if you aren't doing so already. Also, check out the Love and Logic books by Jim Fay. His strategies are wonderful and really work. (www.loveandlogic.com). They even have a great facebook page as well. Good luck!
HTH,
A.

Kids do act differently when out, ex, my talkative rowdy 2 yr old is quiet and fairly well at school. But, you are her mother and you know something is not quite right. I would call the pediatrician and call the insurance co and get a referal for a child psychologist. They will be able to properly diagnose or dismiss this. Good luck you you.

Is this just recently or has she always been this way? Anything new going on in school or the rest of her life?

The fact that she only does it for you guys tells me that she is somewhat in control of her behavior around others. Many kids (including my own) can be great for teachers, etc. all day long and then when they get home with Mom, they have to "let it all hang out" so to speak. It's like they sort of know that we will love them no matter what so they feel safer being "badly" behaved. However, if she is a threat to herself, and her behavior is that extreme that she could hurt herself, I would be talk with the school counselor as well as get a second opinion from another pediatrician. You should also video tape these "outbursts" - set up a hidden camera in her room, as well as other locations, so you can show it to others and they can see what you are talking about it. I would also agree with stripping her room of everything down to just a regular bed (no top bunk that she can jump off of), and her clothes for the day - no toys, etc. Mostly to keep her from causing more harm, but also to give her things to earn back with good behavior. Make a list and post it with the behaviors you expect from her and the basic rules of the house. Enforce consequences consistently (removal of toys, privileges, etc.). If she can't start to learn from that and turn things around, then an evaluation with a child psychiatrist is in order.

I think I'd get an eval from a pediatric psych doctor. I would want to rule that out ESPECIALLY if there's a family history of issues OR if she's adopted and you don't know the family history. She MAY be holding it together with everything she has while in public and just can't keep it up at home. Or she may just be a brat. (And for that matter, in practical terms some of the same tactics, like a nearly bare bedroom, will be the same regardless of the cause)

But I'd want her evaluated by an EXPERT in behavior/mental/emotional issues BEFORE I decided on a course of action....