Behavior Help Please?? - El Monte,CA

You are in a total battle of wills and they think they have you outnumbered. The odds may be in their favor, but time and wisdom are in yours, so take courage.

First you have to find what works. Study them and find what they enjoy and what they hate. Then use it to your advantage. I have one that loves electronics, we take those away. I have one that is super laid back, we make him to chores. I have a social butterfly, we take away social opportunities. I have one who is constant motion, we use time out and early bedtime. I have one we can use any number of these on but usually responds to verbal correction. We use something different with all of them because they are all different.

Every system should be a system of consequences, not rewards. Positive behavior yields positive consequences. Negative behavior yields negative consequences. You are not gifting them for behaving, they are determining their quality of life and day with their actions. Any system you put into place should be consistent. Don't change it just because you don't see immediate rewards.

If you do "A" you get "B", if you don't do "A" you don't get "B" but get "C" instead which should always be something that they both hate and reinforces the need to make the right choices instead of the wrong ones.

Here's an example. If you clean up your toys, you earn 30 minutes free playtime. If you don't, whenyou come home those toys will be gone because what I pick up, I keep.

Structure the day as much as you can. Keep them busy and separate as much as possible. If they can't get along, then playing together should be seen as a reward. If one is playing a video game, the other should be busy playing in his room or outside or doing something completely different. If he complains he can go to his room and lose his game time in the bargain.

Don't give back what you take away too quickly. They need enough time to experience the loss. Don't let them negotiate how long their punishment lasts. Make a statement and stick to it. If it doesn't do the trick, next time make it longer.

Tell them once. Let them know what you need them to do, that they need to do it now, they have a certain ammount of time to do it, and if they don't these will be the consequences and if they do what they are told, then these will be the consequences.

Give them chores. It won't hurt them and furthermore will teach them responsibility and the idea that they contribute to the family out of loyalty, gratitude and community. It will also give them less time to get into trouble. I believe there are chores (like room) that you do because you should and chores (like lawn or laundy) that you can get paid for. If you don't do the ones you should, then you don't get paid for the others.

Give them 20 minutes to change and unwind and then immediately start homework. With my boys, the longer I waited, the harder it was to pull them back in. As to showers, they need to know that at the same time every day they will bathe. If they don't do it, wake them up early the next morning and if you have to bodily put them in the tub and bathe them make them lose sleep to do it.

It's about who's will is stronger, Mama, and you need to decide right now that it's yours because they are only going to get bigger and so will the fights, rebellion, and disrespect. Don't raise your voice, don't get mad, lay down the law, set out your expectations and the corresponding consequences and let them own their choices.

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. It will help you sort out your WHOLE environment to make your rewards (usually not needed when whole positive set up is the norm) and consequences much more effective for behavior including attitude and respect. Like a diet, it only works if you really do it and are consistent. At those ages, they need to feel mature, responsible and loved, and ALSO like they do not want to mess with tough immediate consequences. Less gray area. Scan the book on amazon and see if it's up your alley of thinking.

My boy drives me nuts. I've been in the same boat having to yell to get attention. I hate it. What seems to be working right now is me and his teacher working together. She made a behavior book. It is broken down into 30 min increments. Things like lunch, circle time, centers. And 2 specific behaviors we needed to see. 1) following instructions 2) working quietly. He gets a smiley or frown for each. At the end of the day if he has 80% smileys, he gets a smiley for the day. The book comes home daily and I can see if he acted up, at what point, and what behavior it was. He has to get so many smiley days and then he earns time with the counselor and a chance to get into her treasure box. When he gets 5 in a row, he gets rewarded at home by dad going to school to have lunch with him or getting to take his bike to the park.

I'm mirroring that at home. I made a behavior chart with things like, peaceful car ride home, hang up jacket and backpack, put shoes where they go. If he has good behavior at home, I let his teacher know and he gets rewarded at school. He gets to stay after class and help her clean up or gets to pass out papers during class. Stickers, markers. One on One time with teacher.

One of the biggest motivators for him has been our pride in him. He can't wait to show me the book on days he knows he did good and he just beams with pride when I get so excited, giving him high 5s and hugs and kisses. His teacher and Sunday school teacher are also in on the priase. He really seems to want to do good and want all that positive attention. It was just too easy for him to get off track. Now that he has specific target behaviors and gets checks all day, he is staying much more focused on being good.

Sit them down and make a list of rules and post them where everyone can see then keep the boundaries straight FOREVER! It is very hard at first but worth it in the end. Don't cancel outings.........they just don't get to go but you do (get a babysitter). If your rule is in order to get X they need to do Y and they don't do it then WHATEVER perk they want, when they want it they don't get! So here is a good scenario: let's all go to Disneyland on Saturday (discuss this on Sunday) and tell them what you need from them the rest of the week. Remind them that if they follow the rules there is a great trip planned. Remind them every day. If they don't follow the rules then come Saturday you are going and they can't and believe me there will be lots of tears etc. But do this often enough and they will get the hint that THEY aren't running the show and you meant and will stick to what you say.

I dont know. That sounds terrible and is not encouraging for me! My kids are 3 and 2, and I was hoping they would get BETTER when they get older.

My suggestion would be: Sit down as a family and talk about how all people in the family need to do there part - be part of a team. They are important parts of the team, etc. and when one team member does not do his/her part, it makes it harder for the rest... blah blah.. have them help come up with a list of responsibilities for themselves, and a schedule for doing it. Chores, acceptable behavior, etc. Instead of rewards, talk about privileges - tv, toys, games, etc. Post it on the wall. The FIRST TIME they dont follow through on one of their responsibilities, take away there DS - for a LONG TIME. If they dont care if you take one toy, take ALL OF THE TOYS (lock them in a closet or basement or attic - someplace they cannot get to - while they are at school/out of the house) Tell them sorry, you did not live up to your end of the deal, and taking one toy did not seem to make a difference to you, so now, NO toys until you complete XYZ and the entire rest of the alphabet. No need to yell. Use a nice voice and say you are sorry they feel mad or sad but you have confidence in there ability to earn them back.

Take away the TV. Sure, you cant watch it, but its worth it! Do you make them dinner? Oh well, they didnt feel like cleaning their rooms, so you dont feel like cooking their dinner. leave some bread and peanut butter and jelly out and they can make there own... every night until the room is clean.

When they DO fulfill their responsibilities - Be so proud! Hugs and smiles and I know you could do it even though it was hard! You worked hard! I'm proud!

Its going to be harder before it gets better, but when it gets better it will be worth it.

I think, set the rule and the consequence, and IMMEDIATELY after they break the rule, follow through with the consequence that gets their attention. Be empathetic. Be calm. Give them a chance to earn the privilege back, but dont relent.

Your in charge, mama! You can get these little boys under control! You are the boss!

I have 3 kids too, and my middle one is a challenge. Every morning, and bed time are the very worse. I take away playing with friends.

He has gotten to school w/o shoes. seriously. and he is 8!

sorry to say that but consistency consistency consistency you ask them to do something, even if you have to stay on top of them, walk them to it, wait for them to do it, make them do it, they'll get it sooner or later hope it helps d