Help with My 6 Year Olds Plundering!

As far as school, my stepdaughter would not pay attention, read books at inappropriate times, act out, etc. We had a heck of a time when she was in elementary school. No ADD, just her overexhuberant self.

We sat her down and went over the behaviors that were unacceptable. We talked about why and we asked her what she thought should be done to help her change each bad habit. We also enlisted her in coming up with consequences. We evened out her responses so she wasn't too hard or too soft on herself. Consequences included not having a play date, not getting to watch TV or play a video game at night and not being allowed to go off to play if we were at someone's house. Or she might be left with a sitter instead. We also had her write letters of apology to her teacher or friends parents if she had acted up for them.

We also reminded her of the boy who cried wolf. Her behavior wasn't the same, but doing the same bad thing over and over meant that she was the first one they blamed when someone else did it (like talk loudly in class). If she wanted to be trusted, she had to behave to get that trust.

If she went a day and later a week without a bad report from anybody, she got a treat, like 10 more minutes before bed. She got praised when she was caught doing right.

What do you do when she hits? Have you given her an alternative? Counting to 10, using words, leaving the situation?

I probably wouldn't jump to the ADD conclusion just yet....I would focus on her diet and discipline. Those two things helped my daughter - she still has some issues with responsibility, but what 3rd grader doesn't? When she was in 1st grade and Kindergarten, she wanted to talk and talk and talk because she is very social. She has had SOME social interaction before starting school when she went through speech class, but at home she didn't know many friends in the neighborhood - she was just too young...but we soon found out she is a very social creature and VERY intelligent. Instead of listening to things that were too easy for her, she just wanted to walk around and talk to her friends. I had the teacher writing things on her progress report and talking to me in P/T conferences about her distracting behavior - but I told the teacher that she is very good at following directions if told and paid attention to, so she is probably not challenged enough and she should give her some extra work to keep her busy. I talked through ways for her to deal with free time (she would be done first on all her assignments and want to talk to other students before they were finished). Once the teacher and I were on the same page and came up with a game plan and discussed this with my DSD and she improved a lot...also a lot of times change can disrupt a child's life - especially transitioning from summer to school time and any changes that are going on at home. You mentioned you are a single parent, which is hard enough, let alone a hectic school life for you as well...she could just be looking for some attention and routine. Routine is a big deal to kids her age. Also - while at other people's houses, you should lay down expectations ahead of time - she is old enough to know what you expect of her and the 'rules.' Then, if she breaks the rules, you explain to her what the consequences are- usually standing in the corner is enough for a 6 year odl to feel ashamed or her actions and try to improve. 6 year olds are very mischievous at times and they don't do it out of malice, more because they are trying to be funny or get attention...just be consistent and follow through with punishments, no matter where you are - and do it immediately - don't wait till you get home to punish - AS SOON as she does the rule-breaking, tell her what she did wrong and put her in the corner....after 6 minutes there, make her apologize to the homeowner and let her go about playing. See if this helps her improve. As far as the diet is concerned, make sure she is not getting too much sugar, etc. I know that it's harder for kids to focus and concentrate when they are loaded with sugars and maybe need more vitamins in their diets. You may already do this...but sometimes manufacturers hide bad stuff in food and you don't notice unless you study the nutrition strip carefully....anything that has high fructose corn syrup is bad...even school cafeteria food is not healthy...I pack my kids' lunches to make sure they are getting a balanced diet and not loaded with fats and sugars....I do natural fruits, high fiber cereals (8 g or higher) with low sugar - like Fiber One (they have a lot of yummy options), and low fat milk or soy - and then in their lunches I pack an oatnut bread sandwich with low sugar jelly and soynut butter, piece of fruit, baked chips, and something dairy like low fat/sugar yogurt, cheese sticks or something similar. I would stay away form all lunchables, prepackaged kid food, sugary cereals, etc....I think diet has a lot to do with brain power....but every person is different with their own personality, so try to hone in on her positive attributes and look at them like strengths - with a little guidance and positive direction, she will turn out great!! :)

Request a TEAM meeting through her school and have her evaluated and tested for developmental delays and "disabilities". ALso get her doctor on board and let him/her know whats going on. I went through a similar situation and have had great success with doing this my son is now doing well in school and is thriving now that we know whats going on with him.

Good Luck and don't let the school drag their feet fight for what your daughter needs and has a right too.

J.

a six year old who plunders through other peoples things..
and wont stop doing this, no matter what you do... sounds like its time to turn the tables on her, let her see what it feels like, it doesnt sound like ADD to me it just sounds like people have complained about her antisocial behavior but havent done anything about it. first thing to do, is strip her room and any personal space that she has BACK TO THE BARE WALLS.. make her earn back everything of hers that she previously enjoyed using, by returning the items that she took from other people. if she hits another child who is trying to prevent her from taking something that doesnt belong to her, slap the child.. she will quickly learn that stealing has and should have consequences . if she is caught going through an adults
personal things, without permission, tell the adult they are welcome to punish the child.. she will quickly get tired of having her behind paddled and the behavior will stop. if she is not punished for this behavior she will
continue to do it, because there are no consequences
K. H.

She's starting to get blamed because she has no boundaries. Do you bring things for her to play with when you visit other people? Do you set out consequences for her "exploring" other people's homes without permission? I would start with clear consequences for going where she has no permission to be. If, for a while, you can't let her out of your sight, DON'T! Get her a coloring book (Crayola makes Color Wonder which is GREAT) and have her sit right there with you and color.

It sounds like your friends don't have kids, so if that is correct, then I would also suggest maybe visiting them without your daughter or having them come to your home to visit instead.

Dear A.,
I have an almost 6 year old (and an 8 year old), so I can relate to the issues you bring up. I think you've received a lot of good advice (and some I would not agree with) but here's what I would add: it may really help to spend more quality time just with your daughter for a while. Since life is hectic, maybe you could reduce visits to others' houses, or other activities that are not necessary, if they compete with your 1 on 1 time with your daughter. The reason I suggest this is because with your instincts as her mother, I think you're in the best position to figure out how to help your daughter get out of bad habits, and learn better behavoir. I find that walks in the woods are great for this, but really anything that puts just the two of you together in a relaxing situation would be good. Maybe she would like a spa treatment from you (such as massage). At her age she may have interests you could share with her. I think you may learn much more about what makes your daughter tick (and plunder and hit) through this simple approach than by hiring a psychologist. Of course, it would also be wise to keep open lines of communication with the pediatrician and teacher because they are likely to know or see things that you don't.
I wish you good luck with this.
M.

I wonder if your daughter's school problems are an ADD issue. The other behaviors may be partly triggered by an inability to focus coupled with an innate curiosity. If you cannot curb your daughter's need to explore and invade the privacy of others, and if she continues to have school issues, I would suggest that you have her evaluated by a child psychologist. Do not have her pediatrician just give her some meds, please have the correct evaluation performed. If she is ADD, the school can set up an IEP for her that will help to keep her focused. If there are other behavioral issues, the psychologist can identify them and help you correct her impulsive acts.

Does she have trouble empathizing with others? Would she like it if other people went through her things? My sister has some of this same behavior and she never out grew it. She and I had terrible fights over this refusal to recognize boundaries over the years. I considered putting a padlock on my bedroom door, but my Mother wouldn't let me. Once my Mom had to run a quick errand inside a store (this was over 30 years ago), and my sister played with the car gears putting the car into neutral. Fortunately the car didn't roll far, but it could have been much worse. To this day I won't have my sister in my house. Your daughter played with heating/air conditioning buttons? What happens when she's tall enough to reach the dials on the back of the stove? She's six, not three and her behavior is starting to get dangerous. There's trust and courtesy and just plain not touching things that don't belong to you without permission and if she's having trouble learning these things she's going to have lots of trouble in school and trouble keeping friends. Talk to your pediatrician or school counselor and see what they can recommend. It's possible your daughter might need some professional help.

You don't indicate what steps you've tried to stop or redirects that haven't worked. I wonder if you've considered that she may have a touch of ADD. The focusing and listening issues are classic symptoms, and the hitting, lack of understanding boundaries, and the sensitive nature can fit as well. If you haven't considered this, there are specific techniques you can try for these specific behaviors. A really good child psychologist at CHKD in Norfolk is Dr. Nadia Vasylyshyn. You might want to give her a try. Good luck!

I don't want to worry you, but our friends have a little boy that had these same issues at that age and during kindergarten their pediatrician had him tested and he ended up having a VERY MILD form of autism. The average person would not have even guessed, it is so mild. He has been doing great ever since they have done the things needed to help him. I am not saying that this is what your daughter has, but it's just something to think about. I really wish you the best of luck. You seem like a great mom who loves your little daughter ALOT!

It may be that she is acting out wanting more attention. It may be that you need to keep talking (not scolding) to her about what is acceptable and what is not. It also may be something like ADD. It would be unwise for me to say "I think she has...." but I would talk to your doc about this. ADD is about focus and if she is having trouble focusing in school and home then that is reason enough for a trip to the doc.

The plundering may have nothing to do with her lack of focus (and probably doesn't really) but you may (may) be dealing with two different issues. Until you find a way to correct the behavior, don't rule out anything. I've read the responses saying don't worry about ADD and I must say.....don't freak out and don't assume she doesn't have it either. You yourself stated she is having trouble focusing in school/home so besides dealing with the plundering issue, talk to your pediatrician. If it's not ADD, then it's not and good for you/her, but if it is, it is soooooo much better to catch earlier than later.

Good luck, I know it can be rough (I have 6 y/o twins!!)

if your life is hectic (and oh my! single mom in full time nursing school! my hat is off to you!) then it is probably pretty chaotic for her too. moms' stresses are always passed on to the family. and that combined with her natural buccaneering qualities have reached a flashpoint.
she needs good strong boundaries, with neon lights on 'em. start at home, with places she's allowed to be and those she is absolutely not (thermostat, stove, your purse, your drawers) and discuss with her what the consequences will be if she trespasses. ride close herd on her when you're out, calmly and inexorably. explain to her that she has to earn back the privilege of trust. definitely talk to the teacher about making sure she has enough work or reading material to keep her engaged, but she still needs to know there will be consequences there and at home if she's disruptive in class. there should be a zero tolerance policy with severe repercussions if she gets physical (and i hope it goes without saying that hitting her or ((!!!!)) allowing other people to hit her should be a non-starter.) but engage her in the process. if it's a touch of chaos that is creating this behavior, learning how to control herself is a vital skill and not one she'll just acquire. let her make decisions about things that are within her control, and help her keep that control in the wider world by plenty of discussion and a clear understanding of what will happen if she crosses the boundaries.
good luck!
khairete
S.