Why Can't DD9 Get It?

She seems to have a pattern for very "black/white" thinking.

It is now interfering with her friendships.

It may resolve on its own, but more then likely since it is already causing problems with her friendships "for years" she needs professional help.

I strongly suggest you contact a licensed child therapist and set up an appointment.
Please don't brush this off any longer.

There's something called low social awareness and low self esteem. It's common. She might benefit from meeting with a child psychologist. You definitely would. I have worked with ours - even just last week - and it's such a weight off your shoulders. They know this stuff. They're not guessing at it like we do. She can figure out what I can't make sense of in minutes.

Then she gives us the tools to help. That's where I would start :) Good luck

My daughter has an anxiety disorder and depression (officially diagnosed, takes medication). One of the ways these manifest themselves is an inability to give-and-take, relax, "go with the flow" kind of attitude. She's intelligent, and she knows what ought to be done, but she can't seem to just let things roll off her back.

For example, our car is a newer model and if you're driving at night with the headlights on, when you get home and turn the engine off, the headlights automatically turn themselves off. No more forgetting to turn them off, thus draining the battery. My dh uses that feature (I am old-fashioned and in the habit of turning them off), and it drives our dd to a state of anxiety, agitation and near-panic. She knows the lights won't stay on. She understands the technology perfectly. But she can't bring herself to get out of the car unless the headlight switch inside the car is on "off". And she would scream at us, and every car ride when my dh was driving would end with dd being so angry.

She also is very aware of what's fair and what isn't, even though she comprehends that in some cases, fair just isn't possible. But it upsets her inner scale, or scorecard, or something, and it gets her quite upset.

She sees a counselor, and we actually - all three of us (dh, me and dd) - had to visit the counselor together to help resolve the headlight issue. It was that bad.

The counselor has helped dd to think of a specific question. In this case, it's "is this a safety issue or is this just something that is bothering me?" In other words, is it like forgetting to turn the stove off, which would be a cause for concern that she should speak up about, or is the headlight issue simply something that affects her and nobody else, since the headlights turn themselves off? And if it's just her, she needs to tell herself in very specific terms, this is not a safety issue, or a case of someone being in danger, and I need to acknowledge that it bothers me but not in a way that makes me become rude to my family or to myself. Your dd may need a counselor's help, or maybe you could help her yourself. You can help her develop a question she can ask. For example: "is this situation something where someone is being treated unfairly due to their race or disability or other quality? Or is this something that bothers me but is pretty ok and normal, like friend A was on the swings for 6 minutes and friend B only had 4 minutes, but they're both happy. So what words can I use to tell myself that it's a real feeling that I have, and I am proud that I have the sense that I do, but I don't need to let it make me unfriendly or rude". Of course, you wouldn't use those exact words, I didn't write them very well, but hopefully you get the point. Which is, acknowledge that your dd's feelings are real, but that they don't always have to be pointed out to everyone. Kind of like listening to a friend's karaoke singing, where you really think she's not very good at all, but she's having a blast and everyone is clapping along and having fun and so you keep your feelings to yourself, and they are valid feelings, but to your friend you simply say "that was so much fun and everyone was having such a great time!" It would be altogether different if your friend was singing karaoke and people were mocking her and she was being humiliated. Then you stand up for her or with her.

Bottom line: help your daughter learn to respect and acknowledge her personality and feelings, but help her learn how to recognize when to keep them to herself, and when to stand up and say "you're being unfair/mean/cruel and I will come to my friend's defense with kindness". Helping our daughter to learn this distinction has been helpful and has made things a little easier around here.

So she's not reading social cues at all, right? She doesn't see how kids are getting agitated with her, she sees very clear delineations of "right and wrong" and feels it's up to her to straighten everyone else out - which is what the other kids are rebelling against. She doesn't yet understand that other people don't like to be corrected all the time or told that they are wrong or unjust or unfair. And perhaps your daughter's definition of what is "fair" is really just what SHE wants - she doesn't yet understand that social relationships are about compromise and not always about absolutely rules.I had a young cousin who couldn't handle being with the 4 older ones, and he would stomp off from a card game or basketball game saying, "Well, then, I automatically win!" Your daughter seems to have such a strong sense of social justice that she's letting that dominate, when she hasn't yet figured out the nuances of group dynamics.

Maybe she's having no problem in school because the rules are imposed from "above" - from the teacher. So no kid has more say than any other kid.

The thing is, you can't be there all the time to referee, and you aren't there all the time to see perhaps when she is off based and the "manipulative" crowd is maybe right in an instance or two. The thing you daughter doesn't realize yet is that life isn't always fair, and you can't sweat the small stuff all the time.

Can you have her work with a counselor to role play some situations? Maybe there is a group setting she can work in? She might be able to do 2 things: develop more skills in determining which battles need to be fought (and which don't), and learn more about reading other people's facial expressions and body language to know she's going a little too far or needs to find a new way to express herself even if she's right.

My older son is black & white by nature. It took years of maturing and social skills therapy for him to be able to mindfully see a grey area and afford others some grace. In his case it is because he's on the autism spectrum. Very high functioning, but clearly different from kids his own age.

Having her evaluated by a neuro-psychiatric specialist may be in order.

Well my kids never had any neighborhood kids to play with (there weren't any) which I suppose was both a blessing and a curse. If they wanted to play with friends, their ACTUAL friends, not just kids who happened to live near by, we had them over after school and on weekends. Yes it was a bit more work on my part having to set things up but at least I knew the kids liked each other and pretty much got along.
Why don't you try that, since she clearly doesn't click with this group?

No one knows how he/she comes off to others. What turns one person off from a friend is what another person may find refreshing. At this age. most of her circle will mostly be of the same mindset and thus not receptive of other personality types.

I was going to suggest a counselor to help her too. I was going to tell you about my dd who is 6, and has a lot of the same issues. But, Elena did it already! Her story is just like mine. It is a social awareness skill that is lacking and needs help. Skills need to be taught and learned. It can be hard and we've been at it for over a year, and still going. I know that my dd's school does a social building group, and she will join that once she is older than kindergarten. I hope this helps you.

Neighborhood kids can be tough. Most of the time there is little to no supervision and the kids get to fend for themselves. We've had knock down drag out fights in our neighborhood between some of the sweetest kids you've ever met. So, that said, I think it's normal to go through periods of time where some kids don't play with other kids. In your case, I'd role-play with my daughter and go over some of the scenarios and try to think of ways she can resolve them. Will she choose to walk away without complaining if they aren't being fair, will she hold her tongue and see if she can stand it, will she try to switch to a different activity? She will need to learn how to stand up for herself without seeming like she's nagging and always going against them. I'm working with my 10 year old to try to help him resolve recess issues and we do a lot of talking and role playing to try to get him to feel empowered to try a few new things. I'd also set up playdates more often with other friends from school or other activities, so she's not always feeling left out.

While she seems a bit obsessed with this, I don't think it's as big a problem as it may appear. Firstly, at age nine and ten children are looking for justice, fairness in the world, this is completely normal and fits perfectly within the cycles of development. Without this a child cannot learn balance or understanding concerning others and the many differences in life, they won't know justice if they do not think about it and enter into this phase. She is still very young and learning let her seek the answers herself. Present to her books of heroes and heroines, this would be very benefical for her. So she will see that people can overcome unfair and unjust situations. She's at a perfect age for stories from you about people you know that have overcome difficulties and such.

Perhaps she shouldn't play with kids that present too much drama, she probably gets her fill of that at school. And you can do some role playing with her ---- present a situation and pretend a dialogue with her; this can do wonders.

Do not squash her sense of wrong and right help her temper it and hone it into something creative. Give her sense of love and understanding. Treat others as you would have them treat you, even if they aren't nice to you. Stay away from those that are unfair or mean spirited. She is at an age where she needs guidance to make the right and fair choices for her own behavior. Therefore she needs the knowledge of what your family stands for and believes in.

Another thing you may want to check into for her is The Norse Myths. To some adults this book may be all to much to give to a kid, but believe me this will give her a sense of how tied up life can be and that many things are fair and unfair. Give it to her and let her discover for herself or better yet read it with her. Don't put any judgements on it, let her speak to you about it. She may not be able to speak about it. Encourage her to write about a few of the stories and draw or paint some pictures, perhaps make a book of it. Get a spiral bound drawing pad and let her go at it. This will do wonders. It sure did for my granddaughter and grandson, who are all about what is fair and what is not
. It's great literature, but may seem very strange if you're not accustom to such. I had to become use to it and the names and such. It has a glossary in the back of the book to help.

I hope you'll try these suggestions. Sending the best for your little just one, be proud of her. And take her away from the stress, she doesn't need it.

With warm regards
http://www.amazon.com/DAulaires-Norse-Myths-Ingri-dAulair...

That age was tough for us too. I would say by the time my dd was 11, she finally was able to "let it go" and not try to control every situation. I had to always remind her that things aren't always fair, people aren't perfect and sometimes you get the short end of the stick. I constantly had to tell her the right way to handle other kids and I frequently had to let her know that she will have more friends and more fun if she can let them be the winner (or whatever) and in the long run it really didn't matter. Sometimes they get more (or ahead) and sometimes she'll get more. She really did grow out of it as she got older.