Do You Think Behavior Rewards Create Spoiled Brats?

Define reward?!?! As in something tangible, like a new toy? Or 15 extra minutes playing outside or 15 more minutes watching T.V?
The non-tangible things are acceptable and won't create a brat IMO.
Just my .02

If you don't reward every single thing they do, they won't expect it! I do reward my son, when he does something really great. I don't reward him for what he does all day. He never expects anything.

I NEVER heard I did good on anything. I got a lot of "you worked really hard" comments. I would have killed to hear my parents say "great job" or "that's beautiful" just ONCE. I think children need to know that they are special every once in a while. We ALL do. If my spouse never told me I did something well or complimented my work, I would be very sad. Why do children deserve any less. There is a difference between praising a child for something praiseworthy, and feeding an ego, or making life easier on them.

I think a parent who never tells their child "good job" is making an enormous mistake. They will never be able to go back and do it over. I feel bad for their kids, and it's just ridiculous and...well...idiotic to never ever say someone does well.

Research shows that rewards actually inhibits internal motivation. This then leads to kids not trying as hard, requiring external motivations all the time, etc.

I get rewards all day long for just about everything I do, don't you?

If I go to work I get a paycheck, if I go do volunteer work I get told thank you and I know people appreciate me and so forth.

We get rewards all the time. Right now I am eating a snack size Kit Kat because I got the laundry done. I got a reward!

I am not a spoiled brat.

Kids need to learn that doing stuff has a good consequence too. Not ever getting anything teaches a kid to find something else to do that is a lot more fun.

Hi,

I think over indulgence and a lack of clear boundaries and consequences turns kids into brats.

As to a rewards system, I think they are great if there is balance and the stress is on consequences. If you make good choices, good consequences follow. If you make bad choices, bad consequences follow. If you never correct poor behavior and only reward good behavior I think it's possible to end up with the situation your friend described.

Your friend could use a better understanding of behavioral psychology and positive discipline.

Um, well yeah if you are literally rewarding your child for every single good thing they do then that kind of sets them up to expect it.
But most people don't do this.
Most (good/smart) parents reward specific behaviors, particularly behaviors kids are struggling with.
Does she also think adults do not deserve recognition, pay raises and promotions or other forms of advancement in the workforce, when they do well?
How about good grades and extra credit for students who go above and beyond?
Honestly isn't it healthier to encourage people to do well and work harder, doesn't that benefit ALL of us in the end?

I think that each child responds to different things. Some children really respond to rewards and prizes.

Other children respond well to attention. A parent or teacher acknowledging what the child did and mentioning it

And other children do not need any of the above they just need a "look" to get their attention.

I am sure there are some kids that expect rewards, because they have been over rewarded or these are kids that rewards have maybe gone on too long or overboard.

Being a parent is knowing your own child and helping to guide them by yes, allowing them to sometimes, make mistakes, sometimes to fail and face the consequences, but also by being a model of behaviors.

If we parents can show how to admit our mistakes, our poor choices and admit we are just doing our best, then our children will learn that just because they do not get a reward, we appreciate that the child did their best, did their work or at least admitted they made a mistake.

Having a bag of options to pull from for different situations while parenting, will allow us to not just react, but to use best parenting for those moments.

Well, yes, as others say one should "do the right thing because it's the right thing to do." But we are talking about five-year-olds here. It's "the right thing" for them to do certain chores without moaning, perhaps, but they are....five. And she is not very knowledgeable about child development, I think (and someone else noted the same), because young children do not see nor can they really comprehend the idea of "doing the right thing for its own sake." That's called an intrinsic reward and it's a concept that young children are not ready for, hence the use of rewards and praise. Giving a child a small reward that they clearly earn -- such as getting a week's worth of positive stickers on a behavior chart and therefore earning something promised, like an extra TV show at the weekend or whatever -- is fine with me; that is not going to create an entitled monster, manipulative teenager or reward-seeking adult. It's going to create a child who sees cause and effect.

I think your friend is applying adult thinking to children and that's not a good idea. She needs to learn more about how THEY think and what motivates them at this stage in their development, rather than treating them like little adults who should know what is right and do it for the intrinsic reward of feeling good. That does come, but has to be taught over time.

I think you got that in your own family since it worked for you and you transitioned off it successfully. Your own kids don't demand rewards for everything they do, I'm sure, so why does she assume hers will?

Someone posted that she does not even give her child words of praise, ever. Staggering. Maybe she believes that praise will make her child conceited somehow. Maybe she feels parents over-praise kids for every little thing, which indeed can happen. But no praise, ever, as a policy? Again -- sounds to me like adult thinking applied to kids who are not "there" yet.

I don't believe in rewards either. We should all learn to do the right thing because it IS the right thing and not because we will get something for it. I try to reinforce with my son how doing the right thing often makes us feel good or makes someone else feel good. But - no - no rewards. I don't praise either. I do try to be specific about what he has done/is excited about (wow, you worked really hard at that and it looks very complicated, what do you like best about it?) but no 'good job'.

ETA: Praise doesn't make children conceited. Praise leads children to try less hard (because they might fail) and to avoid trying new things. Please take a look at this excerpt from Po Bronson
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122...

i'm not sure your friend explained herself very eloquently but there is a school of thought that believes you just need to do the right thing because it's the right thing and you have the intrinsic motivation / conscious (sp) instead of doing something just to get a reward.

But I do think certain children's temperments need more consistency and sometimes a reward chart helps the parents to provide that consistency.

I personally find reward charts to be a pain in the butt and not really worth it, but again it think it depends on the child.

If a reward is given every time the child does what you wish, the child is eventually going to expect a reward every time. That's only sensible of the child. If a treat is used only as an encouragement to continue the good behavior, maybe it won't be expected so much. If rewards are tapered off and the behavior continues because it has strength of its own, then the system has done its job.

There is more to raising good children than good behavior. Good character is what makes children strong; lack of it makes children spoiled.

Like many things, it is not just the "reward" itself... that DIRECTLY creates "brats" or not.
It is... the person who is dolling out, the rewards... that IS in fact, the one who is creating an entitled attitude in their kid or not.
It is not the kid themselves, who is operating by themselves. Kids learn and behave, in a dynamic.
It is a DYNAMIC... of interactions, that the child has with, their parent and how they are taught.... or not, about many concepts in life. And they can be taught, properly or not. Because, all parents have different ways of... integrating "rewards" and punishments to their kids.

It is not just the "reward" or "punishment" that solely decides things, in a child. It is the whole relationship and dynamics that the child has with their parent, too.

A reward or punishment by itself, will not correct and "fix" a child... because, many other things are at play. And, when/if used TOO much... it loses its effectiveness.

Positive reinforcement means rewarding good behavior.
This might be a problem if the parent thinks the child can do no wrong and rewards everything they do.
It would amount to being a perceptual problem with the parent who then over indulges the child resulting in a spoiled brat.

SO, if your friend knows this about herself - that she can not adequately judge what should be rewarded, then maybe her no rewards approach is going to be what will work best for her.

Well, offering my kids M&M's to help them learn to potty train didn't turn them into brats...

I do think that helping children learn to DELAY gratification is a useful lesson. Saying "IF you do X, THEN we will do Y" is kind of like this. It's not the same as bribing. Also, not doing it all the time is important. Children need to understand that they need to do what we ask without getting something for it, because they are members of the family. BUT... as humans, ALL of us do what we do for an incentive of some kind. It's OKAY to give kids an incentive ever so often.

I will say that I think a lot of your friend's views come from what she sees in kids' personalities. I have a friend who had a really strong willed daughter and she did a lot of bribing. Her daughter is a senior in college now, a nice girl, but I do see somewhat of an entitled attitude about her. She definitely thinks she's better than other people around her. Is it because her mother dealt with her little smart aleck girl by bribing her a lot? Or is it because she just has that kind of personality? I don't know.

If your friend doesn't have difficult kids, then I think she's being too tough on them, but that's just my opinion.

It depends on the situation and the reward.

Honestly we've never done a formal system or chart at home and I don't know anyone that has other than teachers in their class.

In our house each person is expected to handle their business and when they do, things are happy and peaceful. When they don't the natural consequence is less fun and fewer privileges. So far so good.

No, I do not believe behavior rewards create spoiled brats.
They do something great, you want to reward that. Why to encourage
that continued behavior.
We get rewards all the time at work (accolades, recognition, bonuses,
paychecks etc).
Kids deserve them too to keep the good & wanted behavior coming.
Spoiled brats come from the parents not imparting any morals or teaching their kids any "good behavior". In over-spoiling. In "making up for their deficits". In giving in all the time b/c the parent is lazy. In not teaching your kids how to respect people & help one another.
It has nothing to do w/the occasional reward.

Occasional rewards for good behavior we do all the time. We also try to make a point of letting the kids know we notice them being good.

My kids are 10 and 6. They have specific chores they do around the house. If they do those chores without being told they earn a ticket. Each chore has a monetary value. At the end of the month they can redeem those tickets for cash. Every now and then, if they've been extra helpful or have had a good attitude about XYZ they'll get an extra ticket or two.

Kids especially NEED to be caught being good, and rewarded for their good behavior.

When you're first teaching something new, I think a reinforcement is ok (think potty training)...obviously at some point, though you need to break from it for it to be appropriate (no one gives ME m&ms for going...=)

At ages where they're old enough to understand what's expected of them, I would not provide a reward for things that are basic family expectations, like chores and helping, so as not to cultivate entitlement.

I understand about cultivating altruism and it's a valid point, but think about it: when you do work (if you work) you're paid. I think work above and beyond deserves reward and I appreciate it when my extra efforts are recognized, why wouldn't I do the same for my child?

Hasn't in our home. Their teachers adore them and their friend's parents do as well. They are respectful,thoughtful and caring. They get good grades due to internal drive...not because we pay them or promise them "things". We talk often about consequences for actions and choices..there are good and bad consequences.

We totally got on board with the reward type system after attending parenting classes,reading books and working with a child behaviorist. BUT....the "reward" should not be things or toys. The rewards are fun time with mom and/or dad, extra stories at night, favorite breakfast in the morning, special movie at the end of the week all snuggled up together on the couch, special game before bed etc. NOT TOYS.

I am a true believer of the reward system because I have seen it work sooo many times with various skills or behaviors we are trying to teach or modify.

In theory it may appear it would produce brats that only "work" for a desired end result. But if used correctly it teaches there is a positive payoff for choosing to make a good choice. When I clean up house early and get the laundry done early then I get to read a book out on my patio with a cold Pepsi before the kids get home from school. My husband works hard on a project then a bigger bonus comes in at the end of the year. These are natural consequences to hard work and making good choices.

Reward systems are a reinforcement of this concept but at a young age they don't see the bigger picture so some extra fun time with mom and dad are the payoff while learning the lesson. You don't do reward charts for everything under the sun. It is used occasionally for the big issue at the moment.

Reward charts occasionally work very well in our family. Most often the reward is me taking the kids to the skatepark to ride bikes or more video time for my son. We are not constantly doing them, and like you, weaning off of the reward chart is never hard bc the kids just forget about it. The last one I did was for getting my youngest to poo in the potty. It worked like a charm! It gave her the motivation she needed...and she was very proud each time we put a check mark on that chart! So, as you can see, I am for them. I guess if you were constantly doing a chart and were always buying new toys I can see what your friend is saying.

We punish for bad behavior and reward for good behavior. My daughter is pretty spoiled and sometimes she is a brat. I still lover her all the same.

She sounds a little extreme. I didn't use rewards INSTEAD of discipline, but I did occasionally use rewards as a special treat or in a dire situation ("I'll give you an ice cream cone if you use this potty" for my barely potty trained child because I knew she would have an accident in the car if she didn't go but she was terrified of the stinky porta-potty. The rare bribe stunned her and she peed right away with no further ado). Sure if you always bribe your kids and never discipline them, they could turn into spoiled brats, but that's the extreme.

The "reward chart type thingie" I use at school with Kindergarten first graders has no tangible reward attached. Does your behavior move your name up into the shiny gold????? or not? It is a quick silent way to bring attention to behavior, your name is moving up or down, Think about why.
A reward chart or checklist can be the same. a sticker or smiley face cuz you did what you needed to do, just more kid friendly than an adult crossing something off a list

Here's my rewards system for my 2yo: Do what I ask or what you're supposed to do, hear "Thank you for doing that. That was really helpful." If he continues to do the "right thing" even when I see that he doesn't want to, I continue to praise him and explain the importance of doign it even when he sometimes doesn't want to. I then tell him that I will give him some time when he can do something different. When he doesn't do what I have asked or something that he knows isn't the "right thing" to do, I let him hear the disappointment in my voice and tell him that I don't like that. Sometimes I ask him why he did it, and his reason is actually logical, and I apologize to him and talk about why I still don't want him to do it or why it was okay this time but for him to tell me first. In either case, I give him a hug and a kiss and send him on his way.

His reward is that I am pleased. I do not think that that creates a brat. He does not expect a "treat" all the time.

If you have transitioned out of that or have a plan to transition, then work your plan. You know your kid(s) better than anyone else, and you know what works in your house. People criticize me for trying to be logical with a 2yo, but I know what gets through and what doesn't. Those people are always surprised when he engages them in conversation or when I tell them some of the things that he says to me. One of these days, I will likely be very annoyed when he tries to negotiate his way out of something and won't just take what I say and move on. The way that I am preparing for that is to tell myself that this is the spirit that I am nurturing. At this point, I have no problem telling him no and sticking to it. I don't know that he'll ever be any cuter than he is right, cocking his head to the side and saying, "Please, Mommy." He very boldly proclaims and asks for what he wants. Sometimes the answer is no, but--doggone it--sometimes I tell my baby yes, and the reason is simply "why not?"