My husband's mother married a man who had 4 adult children 6 years ago. (Hubs and I have been married for almost 11 years.) No one attended his mom's wedding because they went to another country to do it. No party was thrown. Nothing.
We now live about an hour from his mom and stepdad (yes, that is how he is introduced). Our daughters (born after they married) look at this man as a grandfather. So do we. We really like him, and how he treats us and our girls.
We have met his children a couple of times, and have spent more time with his youngest daughter. She attended college in the area when we first met them, and has recently graduated, and did some additional training. We refer to her as an Aunt with our daughters. We have spent over a handful of holidays together. We've exchanged Christmas gifts when we've known we'd be together.
Here's the "issue": The youngest daughter's wedding was yesterday at a destination place in Florida. We were never invited. I knew it was going to be a no kids allowed wedding, and thought maybe they excluded us because of our kids. But, my husband's only sister (non married, no kids) wasn't invited either. I'm pretty sure it was a regular sized wedding. Yes. We are a little bitter that we weren't invited to the wedding, to any of the showers, etc. I would think that we qualified as family -- that' the part that stings.
The most irritating part is that my husband's mom NEVER said a word to us about not being invited. She has just been happy that we never asked. She has even talked to me about the showers, and wedding (what dress to wear, the cost, where they will stay, etc.) -- never in great detail, but still.
Sooooo, do we send a card? a gift? or nothing?
Thanks for the replies so far. I really don't think this is a big deal, just trying to figure out the next move.
I'm surprised by not being invited because Step FIL is so Italian and big on family and manners, etc. Surprised that MIL didn't at least try to explain it.
Like I said before, it's a regular 3 ring-circus sized wedding. I'd totally get it if it were super small.
My SIL (hubby's sister) is also hurt by not being invited. She and the bride have spent more time together since she has always lived in the same town as all of them. Hubby and SIL never confront their mom about ANYTHING. A whole other dysfunction in itself. :) So if a question is brought up, it is clearly from me....and this isn't one I want to battle.
I wanted to send a card, but didn't know if that would cause an issue either. Sometimes with these family things, you just can't win. Thanks again!
Call me anything that you want but if I am not invited to something then I do not buy a gift...not worth the time and hassle for someone that does not care enough to include me in their special event.
I would send a card and wish them well. My BEST friend of 21 years did NOT invite me to her wedding. She and her husband had a small wedding and only had thier parents, two witnesses and the officiate. They were trying to be super cheap and didnt want a big deal. Life is really too short to stress over things like this. Just send a card and next time you are all together, smile and give her a hug and welcome her husband to the family.
Do you want to do what is right or what feels better when you're feeling bad?
If you want to do what is right - then send a nice card or handwritten note of congratulations and best wishes for their future. You can go above and beyond and make it really personal and meaningful ( words of wisdom re: marriage - I still often think of 2 little things that people wrote in our cards). Or make it cute - w/ a picture of your children holding a Congratulations! sign - or something like that. I don't think you need to send a gift (at all!!) - but I do think you should do more than just a card and a signature.
You don't mention anything about your Stepfather's ex-wife.... is there a chance their children were just never taught proper manners? If so, perhaps this is an opportunity to show them how to be gracious. It sounds like it may be a lesson for your MIL too!!
If you want to do what feels better when you're feeling hurt, then do nothing.
No invite, no prizes.
That's the way I see it.
There is still a transitional period since you all became family after you were adults.
This is fairly common.
It's this way in my relationship with my husband and his family too.
My kids dont hang out with his kids, they barely know each other.
A few holiday gatherings don't make a "family".
You could send a little gift in order to let them know that your are here, it's an evolution that takes a decade or two to get in the groove with. If you want to really be part of that, you will have to assert yourself into it.
If you don't acknowledge their marriage in SOME way, how awkward would it be the next time you see her in person?
Sometimes weddings are small & kept to the immediate family...and maybe the list didn't extend to her stepmothers adult kids. You DO have to draw the line somewhere. I don't see how you could be "bitter" about this or hold your MIL accountable for their guest list!
If it was me, I'd send a card and a gift card. I'd write a congratulatory note in the card and wish them a long, happy life together.
Sorry--I just don't see this as a big deal.
My first instinct is to send nothing. If she doesn't view you guys as even a close friend to invite to her wedding or showers than I wouldn't bother. BUT, if you want to be the bigger person, send a congratulations card but no gift with it. It is a strange circumstance when things like this come up, sorry you are placed in it:(
I wouldn't bother sending anything. They obviously don't regard you as family or close friends.
I wouldn't bother with a gift, but a nice card would be a lovely gesture. I'm wondering if they didn't invite your family or your SIL because they were worried about their mother's feelings. Is she in the picture? Maybe she is bitter about the divorce and her ex-husband's current happy life.
Weddings have a way of opening old wounds. Maybe the daughter just wanted to appease her mother. If you like them, you can still wish them well. I wouldn't make any assumptions that their feelings for you have changed for the worse in any way. If they act normal the next time you see them, just carry on like everything is status quo.
Perhaps there would have been an issue with the bride's mother if she had invited her step-siblings? Especially if the bride's mother was paying for this event? Or perhaps her mother had a certain number of guests allowed and her father did too, which made it impossible. How is the relationship betweem the bride's parents? I know my brother's stepson married a few weeks ago, and his side of the family was allowed 40 guests, which included attendants and the attendantas' guests. They will be sending annoumcements to anyone they could not invite due to space limitations. Anyway, there could be a lot of valid reasons. Blended families often pose challenges for those type of events. Omvitimg ypou to the shower but not the wedding may have been uncomfortable, too. You may receive an announcement soon, and ettiquette dictates that you can send a handwritten letter of congratulations as a response. If you so desire, go ahead and send a gift. Personally, I thoink if you're genuinely happy for a significant even in someone's life, it's never inappropriate to send a gift. You aren't expected to do so, though.
I would say nothing. The gift would've been if you were invited and the card if they had made a comment to you or acknowledge it to you. Otherwise, nothing!
At first I was going to say do nothing but personally, I would choose the higher road and at least send a card. Doesn't have to be extravagant but I would definitely NOT include a gift of any kind.
Then I would just let it go = and especially since this is you hubby's side of the family, I would say nothing. Speaking from experience, it probably would not end well if you make a big deal about it.
Good luck!!!
I think you are fine to do any of the above. Technically speaking, if you weren't invited, how were you supposed to know the event even happened? But it would be a nice gesture to send something, if only so that you can feel superior to them. :)
Just curious, how does your SIL feel about this situation? Depending on how close you are to her, I would almost say that you should decide as a group what to do, just so it doesn't look like either of you are showing the other up. Has she spoken to her mom about you all not being invited?
People do all sorts of things we don't understand. This is really awkward, sensitive, and puzzling. However, it does not have to be a major problem if you do not make it one. So for your Mom, your kids and yourself, I think you might choose to make the best of this.
Send a card and a lovely gift. I bet you will never regret it.
If folks share wedding pictures with you, you can say "Oh, it looks like we missed a great wedding." (Once.) You may get the answers to your questions without asking.
Peace.
My opinion - if you aren't invited, don't send anything. There isn't a point in being bitter though. What's done is done and these people will be in your life forever, so you just have to make nice.
Well, call me childish, but why would you send anything? They obviously didn't want you to celebrate in such a special time in their lives. For all anyone knows, you never even know when the wedding was or if it took place because no one had the decency to keep you in the loop.
Sure, they may be a good reason why you were not invited, but to have the event discussed with you & then getting shaft, and with no acknowledgement of that fact, or reason why? Well, that's just poor manners, IMO.
I would send a card.
Im sure she had her reason's what ever they are. If you feel they are family, treat her as one. Even if she didn't respond the same way.
Sorry you got hurt in this, but I would still send a card.
With how expensive wedding are and that it was a destination I would let it go. And get them a card.
