Okay I Have Never Heard of This

I have no idea where it comes from but proper etiquette DOES say that you should give both a wedding and a shower gift. I have actually never heard of anyone NOT doing this. That neing said if you are invited to 2 showers for the same person you need only give a gift at one.

I am 41 and have always understood it to be a gift for each event. All of my guests who attended both the shower and the wedding did this seventeen years ago when I was married. I know because I wrote each of them a thank you card for each gift.

Perhaps it is generational but I don't feel right going to a shower or a wedding without a gift in hand.

It's funny because I've never heard of just giving ONE gift for the two separate events. If you are close to the bride then you should be prepared to give two gifts. If you are not, then just don't go. Simple.

The Shower gifts are actually for the Bride and the wedding gifts are gifts for the Couple..

Traditionally the Wedding Shower and The Wedding are 2 different events..

Thus 2 different gifts. The Shower, traditionally was for the bride to start her household. That is why it was kitchen shower, Entertainment shower, linen shower.. Back in the day, the Bride was given a lot of different showers with her family and then with the Grooms family.

The Wedding gifts were generally China Crystal and Silver. It was more formal gifts..

Now that couples generally have already started their house holds,, the showers have become more party like.. Lingerie, Bar party, Grilling, etc.. Also generally they are for couples to attend..

Remember a shower can be very expensive to host, so giving a nice gift to the Bride is always appreciated by the hostesses and hosts.

The Wedding is for the couple. It is considered even today to be a great honor to have been invited. Generally the least expensive Weddings and receptions run at about $50. per person.. And you are assuming this couple will be married forever, so you are trying to show this through your gift..

The reason I know all of this? I was in the Bridal Gift industry for about 20 years and have now been in the Special events business for the last 15 years.. I was figuring out that last year the Weddings I helped with the average price per guest, just for the reception ran at about $135. per guest that attended.. This is pretty low.. so when we give a gift, the point is not to pay back the couple, but do understand they put a lot of thought and heart in this special event.. We can easily oblige with a gift to any shower we attend and certainly a nice gift for their Wedding..

I've been invited to multipule wedding showers, along with weddings, baby showers etc.. I've also been in multipule weddings and for all of the weddings, I've given generous gifts at the wedding and the shower. When I go to a baby shower I give a gift and when I go to visit the baby for the first time I also take a gift. I've only been very involved in weddings for the past 15 years of my life, but this has always been the way it is done. I never even had a second thought about it. I don't feel obligated to give a gift for each, it's just what we do, and I guess I assumed that everyone else does it this way too. I don't think either way is wrong, you give what you want to give, not because that is what everyone else is doing.

I'm 38, and I would be one of those people that would get a gift for the shower (if I were invited and attended - would not give a gift if I did not attend) as well as the wedding (if I were invited, whether I ended up going or not). If I knew I would be going to both, I would 2 smaller gifts (1 for each) and if I knew I was only going to go to the wedding, it would be 1 bigger gift. Then again, in my mind it also depends on how close I am to the recipient (family member vs. distant friend).

I have never heard of only one gift. There were only 1 or 2 people at my wedding who didn't give a card or gift and they may have forgotten. I just get something small off the registry for the shower then a nicer gift or check for the wedding.

Out of curiousity, I checked Emily Post Etiquette. She doesn't say anything about gifts and the two events as an either/or for gifts. So, sounds to me like two gifts is needed. The shower, unless a work shower, is for the more intimate friends and family.

I also make the shower gift something that the wife would want. I also don't go overboard on it unless it is immediate family or best friend. It may be lingerie, or something from the register that appeals more to her. At the shower, I try to make it more for them. However, if it is a gift for the child of my best friend or boss or sister, I may tend to get something that I know that child may want at the top of their list from the registry.

Showers are great intimate gatherings. I'm greatful to be included among the small group. Hate the games. Love the wine and good appetizers (not cake). And the gift opening should take much less time and they shouldn't hold out opening them for too too long as not everyone has 3 hours to spend.

Weddings are grand events. I am grateful to be part of that. So, I bring presents to the point I can afford. (And believe me, that amount has changed drastically over the decades.)

For me personally, if I get a wedding invitation from a second cousin that I may have seen twice at an occasional family reunion and they live far, far away; then, hey, they may get a nice wedding card. (Is that bad?)

Here is my take on things. I only go to a wedding shower if it is a very close friend or family member. If I do go to the shower, then yes they will get 2 gifts. If I do not go to the shower then they will only get the gift at the wedding. If you have a budget to consider and have to go to both the shower and wedding then I would consider 2 smaller gifts. The shower and the wedding are considered 2 separate events. P.S. I'm 32 :)

I am 48 and have never heard of giving one gift to cover both shower and wedding. I am from the chicago area although my family is actually southern so we cover two parts of the united states lol. But anyway if your invited to a shower it is a party given to shower the couple with items they will need for their new life / home together. The wedding gift is a totally separate gift. What part of the united states are you from that it is a custom to only give one gift? not judging just asking as I have never heard of this before. as far as the same person going to more than one shower for the same person that is different than a wedding shower and a wedding gift. although as far as baby showers go I have always given a shower gift and then something small at the hospital or at their houses the first time I "met" the baby.

I usually buy a gift off of the registry for the wedding shower and then I give money for the wedding. I agree with you in the fact that there SHOULD only be one gift (I HATE engagement parties, because you need to bring a gift to that too!) but the reality is that a gift should be given to each event.

For my friends and family it has always been a gift for the shower off the registry and then usually the gift for the wedding is money (very few get gifts left on the registry or something else). I have heard the money gift at the wedding should cover the cost of your plate as well. Also, the shower is completely different from the bachelorette party. There is another gift for that and that is usually something more naughty, lingerie or bath/body stuff. I don't even want to think of the money I spent in a 5 year period where it seemed everyone I know was getting married.

It's a gift for each event that you're invited to attend. A shower and a wedding are TWO events.
Never heard it interpreted any other way. If you can afford 4 "really nice" gifts, then you can get 8 "averagely priced" gifts! :)

And, I suspect that the reason that a lot of your twenty-something contemporaries (I'm assuming early 20's) agree with you or are confused is because they haven't been to that many of these things...yet.

My family did a gift for the showers and then something small when the baby arrived and a gift card or money for the wedding day........Never heard of the one gift thing.....but if you get a large gift...I see no need to buy two large/expensive gifts.....As someone who had showers and a wedding and a baby, I never expected my guests to gift us something, but I was always thankful because often times I wouldn't have spent the extra money on what they purchased or didn't have the extra money to make the purchase. When making a purchase for someone else, I do what I can....It's about the thought and not the amount spent.....JMO. :)

How interesting. I'm 39, from Chicago but live in FL. If I go to a wedding shower, I give a gift, usually from the registry and then if going to the wedding, I've given money...

When I attend a shower, I always buy a gift off of the registry. I then always give a cash gift for the wedding. When I got married in '95 this is what pretty much everybody did for me. However, only close friends and relatives were invited to the shower. Not every female who was attending my wedding was invited to my shower. It is a lot of $ to ask people to spend.
Also, I would at least try to figure out how much it cost the host or bride/groom to have me to the shower or wedding and then make sure I gave at least that much back as a "gift".
EDIT - I am 41

Yes, traditions are definitely changing. I'm 53. When I was young, a bridal shower was for the bride and usually it was the 'women's ritual' just like the bachelor party was the 'men's ritual'. You would not have caught any male in the house during a bridal shower! It was not only a ladies only event, but usually only very intimate girlfriends and relatives were invited. The type of gifts given were only for the bride and were usually very personal items such as underwear and sleepwear or even something like perfumes or an erotic massage oil. It was generally an unspoken rule that you were not expected to spend very much on the bridal shower gift. The wedding gift, on the other hand, was to honor the new couple or help them start their new home together. It was traditional to give kitchen items, linens, etc.

But, I now find that people are inviting us to 'wedding showers' instead of 'bridal showers' and both men and women attend. To be honest, I feel it is a bit tacky to suggest to your friends and family that they should be responsible for purchasing two wedding gifts. When I was invited to a 'bridal shower' a few years ago, I expected it was for the bride. But, there were both men and women and the gifts included many kitchen items, bedding items, and even items for the yard. It seems that gifts were also expected at the wedding, but I saw that most people simply brought cards to the wedding, likely with money or gift cards inside.

But, back in the day, wedding gifts were traditionally opened at the wedding reception. I remember the first time I went to a wedding where the gifts just sat off at the side and were taken home by the parents of the bride for the couple to open after returning from their honeymoon. It felt really odd at the time, but I have come to appreciate the fact that it is kinder to not have everyones gift put on display. It could sometimes lead to hurt feelings if someone felt their gift appeared small next to some other similar gift or if one side of the new family could afford to give more expensive gifts than the other side. I do like this discretion.

What I do not appreciate is that these changes in traditions is not clearly understood or explained. The invitation needs to make it clear. It can say, this is a traditional bridal shower for women only and intended to only honor the bride, or, this is a wedding shower and that people can offer the couple their wedding gift here rather than at the wedding.

Since the traditions are changing, I just feel we need to communicate clearly to avoid being tacky or creating embarrassment. I remember feeling that being invited to a 'wedding shower' meant that you were considered a close enough friend or family member that you were being asked to bring two gifts. I certainly never got the impression that because there was a shower, gifts would not be expected at the wedding. After all, most weddings have many more people attending the wedding than at the shower. There is too much room for confusion if we do not make things clear.

Anyway, K., I'm glad you asked this question. Do keep in mind that an invitation is just an invitation. It is not an obligation. You can always tell them that you will not be attending.

I'm with you. Two gifts? Uh the shower's purpose is to have an event where people can see you open your wedding gifts, right? I would NEVER give two gifts. BTW I'm 30

adding my vote, I'm in my thirties. I have never hear that just one gift is acceptable. I bring a shower gift (showers in my opinion being a little more intimate) and a second gift for the wedding.
For the record if i am close I bring a baby shower gift and if i am visiting in the hospital or home shortly after the birth to meet the baby, I bring a gift for that too, AND a gift for any older siblings.
don't be cheap, get two gifts and if you can't afford two nice ones. then go in with some other friends chip in so both gifts are nice.

I have never heard of only one gift. The shower is meant for the bride and is a completely separate event wouldnt you give a gift if you attended an engagement party? However, if you've been invited to the shower but don't attend, a gift isn't expected but if you are invited to a wedding and don't attend, a gift should still be sent.
I will also tell you that I bring a gift to a baby shower and also a little something when I meet the baby for the first time.
By the way, I am 36.
Oh and I feel for you on how many weddings you have to attend. I remember the year I got married, in 2000, we were in 3 weddings and attended 8 other weddings. It was a rough year!

i think it depends on how close you are to the person. my cousin got married a year ago in august, and i was invited to the wedding and BOTH showers (her mom threw her one and so did her mother in law, the one her mother in law threw was mostly just the in laws but she is like my best friend so i was invited too) and there is no way i could afford to get her three gifts, since i wasnt able to make it to her wedding reception ( i had a baby a week and ahalf before that) i got her one gift

This is such an interesting topic. I am in my mid-20's, we got married at 21, but a lot of our friends are starting to get engaged/married now. I have never heard of not bringing a gift to each event. Usually the bridal shower is more for the bride, but I have always gotten something off the registery. My husband and I usually just give a card with money or giftcards at the wedding itself, so much easier than bringing a big gift while you're all dressed up. We also were able to put a downpayment on our house with the money from the wedding so we assume others will appreciate it as much as we did. I love getting gifts so I tend to give quite a bit as well, I also bring a (small usually funny/tasteless haha) gift to the bachlorette party.

I don't know if it's generational/regional but my entire family (grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, both sides of the family) have always brought a gift to each. I have been to many showers/weddings with family and family friends where we all know the same people. Those are people from fl and ill of all ages 20's-80's.

I feel like if you are invited to the shower and the wedding that is two meals that you are being provided so you provide two gifts. If bringing a gift is a huge deal, don't go.

I like the idea of going in with friends for the shower and getting a big gift and then doing something small for the wedding. Honestly no one will ever know if you don't bring gifts - I just think it's strange. I've never heard of it, it is nice to hear all these different perspectives.

*Same thing with babyshowers, I had people come to all 3 of my showers and though I begged them not to bring something to each one, all repeat guests brought gifts to each one. They are there to "shower" you with love and presents. :)

So it's like this: you buy a bridal shower gift for the bride (like a cute bra and pantie set or something else that is just for her), and you buy and wedding gift for the couple (something on their registry list). A bridal shower and a wedding are most certainly not the same event. This is not like having two baby showers for the same baby (in that case one gift would suffice).

I understand completely how hard it can be to have to purchase 8 gifts in the same year. I had a couple of years like that when I was younger- once year I had 4 weddings with 4 showers and I was in two of the weddings so I had to buy dresses and shoes, etc. It can get very expensive, but it is absolutely mandatory for proper etiquette. You are allowed up to one year to present your wedding gift to the new couple, however. I found this to be helpful in dealing with the expense of having many of my friends get married at the same time.

My generation - gawd I'm getting old - would give a gift for each event that one attended. A bridal shower would have been geared toward trousseau - so personal things for the bride.

A wedding gift would be for both the bride and groom for their 'house' or money (really old school) toward a down payment for a house.

The old Emily Post would say if you attended any shower or event, you should bring a gift.

About 2 years ago I was invited to a friend's bridal shower, whom I met thru my husband. This was the first bridal shower I had been invited to since being out on my own (I was to a few with my mother as a pre-teen/teenager). I was surprised when my mother informed me that I would need to purchase a shower gift and then a wedding gift as well! I had never heard of such a thing. And quite honestly, I still don't get it. Isn't it kind of the same idea of a baby shower? You wouldn't be expected to give a gift at a baby shower and then again at the birth?

Oh, and by the way, I'm 28.

Wow this is so enlightening! As a fellow Texan gal, I have never taken a gift to both events nor did I get two gifts from anyone when I was getting married. I have put money on a money tree at a wedding before even if I already got a gift, but that is it. It would never occur to me to do both. That is gonna stay my policy, one wedding, one bride and groom, one gift baby!! :D
**I do get two gifts if one of them is lingerie for the bride, that is different, if I am invited to a girly lingerie shower, I don't consider that a "wedding gift" in the traditional sense. Plus if I am invited to a lingerie shower it would be a smaller party of close friends, not a big to-do with purchases off the registry**

I'm 42. When I was very young and newly invited to this sort of affair, I was under the impression that the shower was giving the wedding gift early. Of course, my whole perception was skewed, because I was also part of the wedding party (paying for my own dress and shoes) and hostess of the shower (paying for the shower I threw). So how do you figure all THAT into it?? lol

As I got a little older, and was invited to many more, I felt awkward without at gift at both occasions, although, to be completely honest... I have felt awkward walking up to a wedding chapel/the church with the gift in hand at the time. The location of where to put them hasn't always been completely obvious.

Now that I am older and most of my friends and close family is married... it is more of a non-issue. The last wedding we went to, my daughter and I (she was 6 at the time) were invited to a shower for the attendants and close friends/family (5 hours away) and so there were 2 of us to bring a gift from. However, again, we were part of the wedding party itself. It was my brother's wedding. So in addition to the shower (2 gifts, but smaller gifts) we also had to go back a few weeks later and pay for 2 nights in a hotel and my $200 bridesmaid dress plus alterations, shoes for me, shoes for my daughter (SIL bought material and my mom made my daughter's flower girl dress) AND tuxedo rental for my son who was the ring bearer. My husband was the only one in our immediate family NOT an actual participant in the ceremony. !!

So what do you do with that?! I think we let our participation in the wedding pretty much be our gift if I remember correctly... But since it was shortly before Xmas, we gave them a beautiful Xmas ornament commemorating the year on their Christmas gift. Or maybe it was wrapped in wedding paper... I can't recall... it was such a blur.

If I attend both, I get a gift for both events. Usually spend the same amount though..I just get 2 cheaper things on their wish list instead of one big gift. I guess it would depend on your friend and what you think they would do. Most of the time I don't attend both events as showers usually don't work in my schedule.

I always buy a shower gift if I'm invited and a wedding gift. A shower gift is usually something off their registry and a wedding gift is usually money in a card. I feel that if the host is putting out money to feed me and it's an event where gifts are given, I always show up with a gift. If I am invited to a baby shower, I also bring a gift with me to the hospital when meeting the baby for the first time. I don't know why. I was just raised that way.

I am 36 and I give gifts per invitation. For the B.S. I typically buy something for the bride ~ spa treatments or lingerie. For weddings we buy off of the registry. I don't usually give $. Although, it really is a great idea b/c we were able to fund our entire honeymoon with the cash we got from our guests.

I am 28 from Savannah, GA, currently in Charlotte, NC-Southern girl...lol.

My husband & I and many of our friends have recently been married within the last 1-2 years. I would say the general consensus has been for you to bring a girly, more personal gift to the bridal shower & a gift from the registry or money to the wedding. I agree with some of the others that say I just could never come to an event like this and not have some kind of gift in hand. It doesn't have to be extravagant because not everyone can afford the same things. On my registry, I made sure to include items that I needed in different price points because we invited people from varying household incomes.

2 gifts-shower gift and wedding gift.

We give gifts for each invite. I've been in weddings where I was invited to multiple showers for that one wedding and I usually spend what I would on one shower and divide the gifts between the showers.

Weddings! I do believe a gift is required for each event that you are invited to, unless there are multiple showers. Then you can probably give one shower gift and call it good.

I must say that after an engagement party, bridal shower, couples shower, bachelorette party, and wedding, I am financially drained. And it's infinitely more expensive if you and/or your husband and/or your child are part of the wedding party. And if you have to travel to the wedding, that adds even more to the cost.

My husband and I tend to decline most invitations to weddings and their related evens, unless it is for a close family member or friend. We can't afford all the gifts that these events entail--especially for people we barely know, and we have better things to do with our weekends. I am always surprised when I am invited to a bridal shower for someone I have only met once or twice, but it happens quite frequently now that I am part of my husband's large family.

I have seen many posters say that the amount of money you spend on a wedding gift should be proportional to the amount of money the couple spends on the reception meal. I do not subscribe to that philosophy. If I get no say in how much they spend on their reception, why should it dictate how much I spend on their wedding gift? If it is a close family member or friend, I spend a lot of money (within our financial means, of course) on their gifts, no matter how big or small the wedding is. If it is someone we don't know very well or aren't very close to, I think that a $50-$100 gift is more appropriate. In most of these cases, we never hear from the happy couple again after the wedding, so if they think we didn't properly reimburse them for the wedding meal of their dreams, that's too bad.

Four weddings and four showers is a lot for one year. Unless you're made of money, you would be wise to give something small and simple for a shower gift and then spend a little more on a nice wedding gift. No one should be expected to go broke just for celebrating marriage.

The shower is for the bride, so a SMALL gift for the bride is appropriate - something sexy, romantic or personal, or utlitarian is common (body oils, bubble bath, a cook book*).

The wedding is for the bride and groom - something off the registry, a cash gift, something for the COUPLE or their new home (if applicable) is in order.

I am in my mid-40s and have never seen it done any other way.

*See, a cook book would be a rude wedding gift, but if you know the bride likes to cook or wants to learn, you could give her one at the shower. Showers sometimes have "themes" and go get something that goes with the theme.

Huh - I just scrolled down. This IS interesting. It's probably worth saying that I have been to MANY weddings - for all ages - but only a few bridal showers. I like that baby showers have changed - I used to HATE them when they were "girly" events and I love them now - it will be interesting to see what any futyre wedding showers I attend are like.

So fun reading the responses! As a 32-year old, I have never heard of NOT giving two gifts, so those responses were really interesting to me. Like many others, for the shower (usually close family and friends only) I give a gift off the registry, and for the wedding I give money or a gift card.

I understand where your coming from. I, too, have given just one gift. If I am invited to the shower then I rarely send one to the wedding, too, unless they are family or close friend. Many people said the shower gift is for the bride and the wedding gift for the couple, but that's not how most showers are today. Most of the showers I've been to are for the couple. I had a girls only shower before I got married and many of my friends only gave a gift at the shower. I guess you just have to do what you can afford.

Ya know most of the weddings and showers we've been too we just give one gift. Whether we've been invited to both or not. When we got married we didn't expect to get a gift from people who where invited to the wedding and had already gone to a shower. (I got married 15 years ago) I honestly don't think anyone gave us two gifts. We try to spend about $50 on a gift, even for baby showers. Something nice and on their wish list. I grew up in the south but live in mid-America now and see the same thing here too. I firmly believe that when you are invited to the wedding it isn't for a gift, it is to celebrate the couples union together and be a witness to it. We got married while I was still in college (my hubby had dropped out to work corporate full time) and our college friends who weren't invited to any showers came to the wedding minus a gift. They came to see the ceremoney and party afterwards with us. We didn't invite the entire BSU expecting gifts, just for fun. I think if a couple expects you to give them a gift at a shower AND the wedding they are asking way to much, especially now in the economy we live in. So do what you feel is right for you. Don't be pressured into doing something you can't afford to do. Hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless.

My opinion is, if you want & can afford to buy 2 gifts, then get 2 gifts. If you want to just get one, then get one! :)

I haven't been to very many weddings (I'm 26) and I'm pretty sure all of them were family & close family friends... haha I never paid attention, but I don't specifically remember me or my family giving 2 separate gifts. Might have depended on who the wedding was for.

Unfortunately I don't even have my own wedding as an example lol My husband and I got married at the courthouse (after several failed attempts at planning a "real" wedding around the Army's schedule). No shower, and I think we got maybe 2 or 3 gifts (and not even from my parents lol).

Ok now I have my own question to post.... haha

Never heard of one gift for both. I have always done a gift at the shower and cash at the wedding. That is pretty standard around my area.

I am 29 and every shower I went to was about the "bride" and things were bought for her wedding night. I just got married in September and everyone brought me lingerie or a gift certificate to Victoria Secret. The wedding itself is usually a gift off their registry, or a gift card for where they registered. It does get expensive but I have never been to a bridal shower where the bride got pans...:)

My experience is 2 invites equals 2 gifts. I have attended and hosted many bridal showers (and was the guest of honor at my own). Shower gifts usually range in price from $20-50. Usually a shower gift is something for the home (toaster, iron, pots/pans). I was a very traditional bride in that I got married at 22 right out of college, so I didn't already have an established home. I needed pots/pans, towels, a can opener, etc. Many brides today already have an established home, so their registry may be different.

For the wedding gift, it's usually something more formal (china or crystal) or money. I tend to give money. The last few weddings we attended were out-of-town for us, so we had the added expense of airline tickets, hotel rooms, and rental car. But, it was our choice to go.

One idea is to go in on a gift with other people. You may spend a little less and the bride will get one expensive gift.

Hope that helps! I am 32.

Shower = ALWAYS gifts, regardless of what type of shower it is (like bday parties; it's also why traditionally no one is "allowed" to throw their own shower or bday party, but they have to be thrown by someone else... so that even though it is understood that a shower is "showering with gifts", it's not the guest of honor "asking" for gifts.).

For MYSELF:

Bridal showers = lingerie (or other "consummate prep" type of gift)
Engagement party = bottle of wine or liqueur
Wedding = gift to the marriage.

I also agree, that bridal showers aren't a "2nd wedding". They're a party specifically for the bride, and their point is celebrating sex. In days gone by, they were outfitting a virgin (presumably) for her new entry into the world of sex... these days, that's a bit outdated, but I find it a charming custom to hang onto.

However, aside from parties where the theme is presents (showers and birthdays) I was also raised that WHENEVER I attend any type of party to always bring a "hostess" gift. Flowers, bottle of wine, etc. This is *skipped* at birthday parties and showers. But coming emptyhanded to any kind of party would have my elders rolling in their graves. Even if it's just a 6pack to a college party, or a bunch of daisies for lunch with my grandmother-in-law... I never ever ever come empty handed to any kind of party.

I'm 31