It's a long story, but the son of some long term family friends is getting married in September and my husband and I were not invited. I grew up with this family, taking vacations together, spending holidays together, etc. My parents are the godparents to both sons in the family. However, I am 10 years older than their oldest son and 20 years older than their younger son, the one getting married. As a result, I was in college and grad school during most of the younger son's childhood. However, our families remained close, spending many holidays together, etc. My brother is a groomsmen in the wedding. He was also a groomsmen in the older son's wedding, to which my husband and I were invited and did attend (10 years ago). My dad and my brother are shocked that we weren't invited and don't know why. Space? Budget? His fiancé is in charge of the guest list? (We've never had conflicts or anything that would explain our failure to be invited.) I've met the fiancé a couple of times and we were at family events together three or four times in the last 6-9 months. My mom died 8 months ago and my dad's wedding invitation was addressed to my dad "and guest." He invited me to join him as his "guest." Would you go? Is that too awkward since I wasn't invited in the first place? If I go, do I buy a separate gift or participate in my dad's gift? Or is no gift required since I wasn't invited? Part of me would really like to see the wedding, the family and watch my brother serve as a groomsmen and part of me feels very awkward and hurt that we weren't included.
I probably overstated when I said my dad "invited" me to be his guest. He is very social and self-sufficient and would probably do fine without me at the wedding, but I also know he would like me to be there. He's very surprised and disappointed that we weren't invited. Once we confirmed that I did not receive an invitation I half-jokingly said to my dad and brother that I "could be Dad's date." My dad enthusiastically responded, "You're on! My invitation was addressed to me and a guest."
Ironically, this is my second invitation snafu involving this family in recent months. In the fall, shortly after my mom died, the older brother and his wife hosted a baby shower for my brother and SIL's baby. My invitation was an email/evite. It was very simple, did not include names, and said "let's celebrate the new baby" or something to that effect. When I arrived alone everybody asked, "Where's your husband?" Turns out it was a couples shower and I had no idea. I am from a generation where couples showers didn't exist and it never occurred to me it was a couples shower, especially since the invitation didn't say so. I did know that my dad and brother were going to be there, but I thought it was just because they are the dad and the grandpa of the new baby. So when the hostess asked why my husband didn't come I said, "I didn't know he was invited." She felt awful and apologized profusely. My mom would've known it was a couples shower and would've told me. My dad and brother are trying, but they are not the communicators that she was.
I doubt the groom's parents are very involved in the planning and I doubt they know I'm not invited. The have a lot on their plate right now, dealing with some health and financial issues. I think they too would be surprised and disappointed that we are not invited.
I will think about these responses and talk to my dad about it. Thanks.
Updated September 2013: I am not going to the wedding. I am babysitting my 11-month-old niece instead, which will probably be more fun anyhow. My dad was planning to attend the wedding for a short time, but now has a medical problem that might keep him home. He just learned from the groom's mother (without mentioning me or asking her about it) that very few family members are invited and that the bride and groom have invited almost exclusively their friends. NONE of the groom's aunts and uncles are invited. So it wasn't personal to me. I feel really bad for the aunts and uncles. Most of them are local and they are at least close enough to the family that I've met several of them. The wedding couple is having a three day celebration too--a huge backyard BBQ one night, the rehearsal and groom's dinner another night and then the wedding and reception. I know it's their day and their decisions, but it seems a little sad IMO to not include family members. Doesn't seem like a financial decision either since the three parties are all more upscale type events.
Yes, I'd go. The oversight is probably because men (in this case the groom), are boneheads on this kind of stuff.
I see nothing wrong with attending with your dad. And if you feel inclined to get them a gift, do so.
I would go. Weddings are expensive and if you are not super close then maybe you did not make the cut. I am sure it's nothing against you. Your brothers were prob. closer to the groom. If you are going as your dads guest then just contribute to his gift.
I would go and I think you should go in with your dad on a gift from both of you.
I would go as Dad's date. I think that maybe the kids are paying for the wedding themselves and maybe just didn't invite you b/c they weren't as close with you as maybe the brother was. I feel like I had to do this with my wedding a bit and I'll admit at the time I maybe didn't understand how important it may have been to some folks (although each of our parents did get to make at least a few requests) but it's so overwhelming to think about money, money, money! Anyway, it sounds like your reasons for wanting to go are totally normal and I don't think anyone would find it weird that you attend as his date.
Go. They'll be thrilled to see you, I'm sure.
Don't let it "get weird" -- make that choice!
I'd go with O. gift/ O. card, btw. (It's O. invitation.)
I would go to support your dad.
As for not being invited originally i would just assume it was a budget thing and they made a bad choice. participate in dad's gift and have a good time.
Definitely go with your Dad. It will also be nice to spend the time with your Dad. Weddings are so expensive these days. I am sure that's why you were not invited. These days if we do not get invited to a wedding, I breathe a sigh of relief lol. Go and enjoy.
It sounds like you're a family friend much more than a friend of the actual groom's and given it typically is the bride's family bearing more of the cost of the wedding, I'd assume it's not personal at all vs just a capacity constraint. They likely had to draw the line somewhere and may feel badly they just couldn't include you and your husband. You're 20 years older than the groom so really more of a "parent's friend" likely in the couple's eyes. They're inviting your father of course as godfather but I can see how they didn't skip to the "next generation." Your brother in both weddings is a bit odd then unless he's in the middle age wise? Otherwise it implies everyone in your families are very close... So it is a bit odd given your brother's role but unless your dad is goign to know a ton of people and feel very comfortable without your mom, I would go with him. I'd assume it's not a huge wedding and this way you get to go and make your dad more comfortable at the same time. If you go and meet 250 other guests and many seem to be very distantly connected to the couple, then I guess you kind of know where things stand... Still no need to feel awkward. Awkward would be if you called and asked to go. You're going so your dad isn't alone. If they don't understand that, maybe they shouldn't be such close friends... Re: the gift - one from you and your dad together. It's one invitation you're attending on so one gift seems most appropriate but signed from both of you.
I never understood why a bride and groom invite people that are not in their lives on somewhat of a 'consistent' basis. I personally think people go way overboard with inviting tons of people.
Go with your dad and have a blast, I'm sure the grooms family will be ecstatic that you are there. One gift, one card.
In most cases I probably would not go. But you present a somewhat unique scenario. Since it's the GROOM who is connected to your family, I'm inclined to think this was a snafu with the bride's family (they generally handle the wedding invites). Consequently I probably would go with my dad and just be very nice and cordial and act as if nothing is weird at all. For all you know the groom's family may not even KNOW about you not being invited (and if they did they'd probably be mortified).
So my net result would be to go with my dad.
Let us know how it goes!!
ETA: I agree with many others here - go in with your dad on the gift.
Yellow:
It could be that you aren't active in THEIR lives. I don't know. If you are such good friends with the family - can you reach out to his mother and ask? Tell her that your father has asked you to come as his guest and you are feeling a tad awkward.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother - may her memory be eternal!
If my dad asked me to go as his guest? I'm sure I would! Any chance to spend some time with my Pops!! :)
You don't need to bring a gift. You can bring a card of congratulations.
Go be with your dad. He probably would be much more comfortable with you there that close to losing your mom. It could have been for many reasons that they didn't send you one but I woudl not let that make you not be your dad's guest. Don't feel like you have to give them anything or go in with your dad.
I read the whole thing and the swh. I think you should go with your dad you will be glad you did, they will be glad you did. I think they might be assuming your dad would bring you anyway (do they really think he may have a new lady friend less than a year after your moms passing? Probably not.) I would guess they only have room for 2 from your family, so they sent one invite to your dad +1 assuming he'll bring you. Otherwise youre a potential 4 plates... your dad, his possible guest (what if he does come up with a new s.o. for the sake of the event, knowing you got your own invite), you, AND your husband.
Don't over think it, go and enjoy. And just sign your name to your dad's gift, since youre his guest.
We invited 2 friends to our weeding who were 2 brothers out of 8 kids. They lived down the street from my hubby. One brought his wife and the other brought his sister - who my husband knew well growing up but whom his sister was closer with. Although it seems a bit odd at first (his wife had a newborn and decided not to go) it was awesome to have her at my wedding.
So, as long as you don't feel uncomfortable, I say go! But don't get a second gift. Just have your dad sign both of your names.
I vote with those that say go and be your dad's plus one. Have a great time and know you probably weren't over looked intentionally but it does come down to money and space. Please don't take it personally. It wasn't a slight against you, the bride may come from a large family. I have an enormous family, my husband no so much. So my guests out numbered his by 3 to 1. He had the opportunity to invite everyone he wanted to invite and so did I. In the end both of us may have left out several relatives but it wasn't because we didn't love them or didn't want them there. It was on oversight on our part.
As for the gifting, give or don't if you want or don't want to. A gift is a courtesy not mandatory.
First of all, a gift is never "required."
If you want to go as your dad's guest, that's perfectly fine.
If you and/or your dad want to bring a gift, however you do it will be fine.
It's possible that they have restrictions (due to money or space or both). I wouldn't take it personally, although I know it's hard not to.
I would go with your dad as his guest, and make sure he RSVPs as such. I would think that if you wanted to contribute to your dad's gift, that would be acceptable. But since you weren't invited, I wouldn't feel obligated to buy a separate gift.
I think the best possible course of action would be to assume it was a budget thing, or the groom didn't do a good job of giving the bride a complete guest list, which is very classic guy thing to do. And then, don't go. Instead, reward yourself for being kind, understanding, mature, and magnanimous by doing something YOU really want to do. Whatever money you would've spent on a gift, spend it on yourself. And then walk away from the whole thing with no hard feelings.
I'd go as Dads date! It will be a fun excuse for you to get to spend some time together. Dont worry about why you didnt get invited. Wedding guest lists can be so complicated and require lots of negotiation, and the truth is you will probably never know the real reason, so dont sweat it. Just go and have fun. And... no gift required on your part, Dad is invited person so he brings the gift!
It's not personal. Go if you want. Just be clear about why you want to go, and then focus on that.
A couple of years ago I asked to attend a wedding that I wasn't invited to. I didn't care about not being invited; I just wanted to be there to share in the moment. I wasn't even interested in the reception--no need to spend money on me. It was a church wedding, and I got to go and congratulate the couple and family. I was even offered a place at the reception but graciously declined. If it's important to you or your husband that he attend with you, maybe you can do the same.
Oh, and give a gift if you're moved to do so.
There are lots of reasons why people are not invited or overlooked. At my wedding we did have a very limited number of tables that would fit in the room. We ended up not inviting my friend's parents because there just wasn't room, and I didn't consider my friend's parents as part of my circle. However, my friend's mom really wanted to come so my friend brought her mom as her guest. I was happy that she got to come, and my friend was happy to have her mother there. So it all worked out!
I would say to go! I was very happy to have my friend's mom there. So go with your dad and have a great time!
Who knows why you weren't invited. I fully expected to be invited to people I thought I was close to and found out that 'politicking' happened in some cases work people instead of friends had to be included. I was hurt actually but realize that sometimes it is more worth it to people to invite someone that can help climb the ladder in business and I was only a 'pretty close friend' so...with that said, I'd go as Dad's date or go to the church and watch and then go home. It's often a budget thing and even if they are having two hundred and fifty people they don't necessarily want to insult you by inviting you late even if Aunty Em didn't go. I was actually once invited to a wedding and then uninvited (??) because the people having the wedding found out a lot of other relatives were coming. We were invited to the late night after dance part, but at that point I really decided to not go. We went to the church and watched and remained friends for awhile after that, but well, these kinds of situations can actually show you whose really a friend anyway. I have been invited to weddings of people I hardly knew and went, so it's just a matter of timing.
I think it sounds like an oversight more than them trying to draw the line somewhere. I mean, if they were really watching numbers, I don't think they would add "and guest" to your dads invite knowing that likely he wouldn't have a "date" after being recently widowed. So if I were you, I would go as his guest and call it a day. No need for a separate gift, just give dad some money and sign both your names. I don't think they should be surprised to see you there since they left the door open for your dad to bring you. Good luck!
It's a BI^CH to create a guest list for a wedding. One of the reasons I am glad we decided to NOT do the big bash was all the conflict surrounding the guest list.
There are reasons for everything, but bottom line it's not your wedding thus none of your business. I have been invited to weddings I felt I had no business going to so I made sure to RSVP no early so someone else that may want the invite could go.
My suggestion is if you are going because you WANT to attend this wedding and wish the couple well then go as your father's date.
my niece is planning her wedding. She & her fiancee has based their guest list on only the friends/family who've been an active part of their lives. I was surprised at some of their choices! But she's right...the dividing line has to be drawn somewhere...& she's making her choices from the heart, not thru obligation.
That said, I'd go as your Dad's date! I did this last summer with my Mom & one of my cousins. The invitation was for Mom & a guest....so I was her guest. My cousins were shocked to see me since we rarely get together, but....oh, well! We had a great time & visit. :)
I was in a similar situation this past October. A long time close family friend and former childhood neighbor (also my sisters best friend) was getting married and my sister was a bridesmaid. My sis told me that due to limited finances, my husband and I were on the B list but my sister wanted to take me as a guest. I was kind of put off too. I was assured that it was due to limited money. So I went with my sister and parents to the wedding. My husband totally didn't mind. And since the bride knew that I would be coming with my sister I was also invited to the bridal shower. My mother-in-law thought it was all pretty rude, but my husband was ok with it all. Yeah, I guess the etiquette was all wrong, but it wasn't done intentionally, so whatever. Turned out there were alot of declines to the wedding so my husband could have went, but by then, he was totally uninterested in going to a wedding where he would know no one. I am an artist so I drew a caricature for the shower which the couple really liked and for the wedding, I got an inexpensive gift from Yankee Candle. It was a cute Halloween Boney Bunch wedding couple candle holder since the wedding was right before Halloween. So if you go, just get a small personalized gift from Things Remembered like a photo frame or album. I would say go, but if your husband feels left out, then I would decline.
Go with your dad.
Don't take it personally... You aren't involved in the family on a regular basis. You said so yourself. You are that much older...
I'm sure that if budget isn't an issue, it's an oversight. Unless, it's a space issue. (When we got married, we only had space for 80 guests. Cutting that list was miserable, but there was only so much space.)
So - go. One gift from the 2 of you is all that is required. Have fun. Celebrate. And really, don't take it personally.
Go with your Dad, have a good time. Oversights happen.
I think your dad should ask if it's ok to bring you as his guest. You are right in that space and budget may have contributed to you not getting an invitation. Since you are so much older and didn't grow up together, he probably doesn't feel as close to you and was ok cutting you from the list. I do think it's strange, given the overall family dynamic and the fact that your parents are godparents and brother is groomsmen, but still - it is what it is.
Your dad should ask though, just in case there IS some reason that you weren't invited. You don't want to make them uncomfortable. Is there a possibility that your invitation was lost in the mail?
ETA: About the gift, if you go as your dad's date, you only need to give one gift from both of you. It's up to you and your dad to decide who pays. If you don't go, you are not obligated in any way to give a gift. If you want to as a gesture, go for it, but feel no guilt at all if you don't.
No. This situation has drama written all over it and you are obviously very hurt. I think I would encourage your dad to go and enjoy himself. If they ask where you are, your dad can tell them you weren't invited. Hang in there~!
I would just call and ask if they minded if you go with your dad as a guest. My guess is there was a restriction on the number of guests or something. My husband didnt get an invite to a friends wedding and was very upset. Turned out there was a bunch of problems with the invites and a bunch of people didnt get them, they ended up having to send out a second set. Which we then got one, as we were invited in the first place. Even if they didnt invite you, try not to take it personally, as they probably had a limited number of people to invite and had to be super choosy. If you had to choose between your own friend and a family friend you didnt know well... You would probably pick your own friend too.
I think if your not invited. Then you most likely shouldnt attend
I never attend anything unless I'm personally invited. Like my husbands sister had a bday party for her daughter, she didn't invite me. So I didn't go no need to put your foot in.
First off, sorry about your Mom passing. That can't be easy in the midst of all these confusing emotions. Clearly I'm the minority, but I probably wouldn't go, and I would try to not take it personally that you weren't invited. They probably had a limited amount of people they could invite, and I'm sure the bride had a little more say than the groom. :(
Hopefully, I can help.
The way I see this is, you and your husband weren't invited because the couple getting married don't know you both very well. I believe you mentioned that the groom is 20 years younger then you. While you were invited to his older brother's wedding, only 10 years younger. He knew you, grew up around you, while younger brother only knows you in passing.
Your father was invited possibly because he's had a closer relationship with the groom and the family. Also, while he seems to be doing well, this is a wedding, the wedding of a family friend who knew him and your mother and while you father may be doing well in light of her resent passing. This even is going to hit him hard. If he's asked you to be his +1, I say go. He's going to be thinking of your mother, he'll need you there to support him.
My husband is nearly 30 years older then his youngest sibling, while they are family, they aren't close. They'll never will be close like he is with his other siblings. It's just the way it is. You were 20 when this groom was born, you were well into your own life and while he may know you, he may not feel close enough to you to invite.
I hope this helps.
I would ask the groom or the groom's family, not the bride, if it was an oversight.
Don't speculate the reason because you simply don't know why you didn't get an invite. Save yourself an ulcer and just ask.
Of course be prepared for the answer, which may turn out to be unfavorable, but still, wouldn't you rather know than not?
As for going, I wouldn't make a decision until I found out why I didn't get an invite.
If you're able to get over your hurt feelings, then go with your Dad. If you can't get over the feelings, then don't go. You need to realize that when it comes to the invitations for this wedding, it's not about you. There's any number of reasons why you and your family weren't invited. It could be a small-ish wedding. They could be watching their budget. You're not close to the couple and the groom was responsible for his side of the guest list. There's limited space. It was an oversight. Your invitation got stuck in the mail sorter at the post office.
But you know... one clue would be whether or not you were invited to the bridal shower. If you were invited and attended the bridal shower, then you should have also received an invitation to the wedding. If you didn't receive an invitation to the bridal shower then you shouldn't expect an invitation to the wedding.
i guess i would just pass it up-if im not personally invited-i dont go..the baby shower..really? not only is it in bad taste its a total insult to you...wow..guess your not as close as you thought huh? i sure wouldnt invite them to my family functions anymore-rude behavior has no space in my life whatsoever!!! good luck in whatever you decide to do.
Unless you're told otherwise, always assume the best possible reasons. I'm betting space issues.
I was hurt when I wasn't invited to a very long-term friend's wedding, until he finally got around to telling me how small the venue was. Their list was limited to close family and the only friends were those in the wedding party.
Go with your dad, bring your own gift.
