Do All New Moms Feel This Way??

By this stage I was two months pregnant with my second, and back at work full-time. I can't believe I managed it!

Yes!!! my kids 4 and i still feel like i cant do it all. mom wife student caretaker of my grandmother. however everyone keeps telling me im doing great so i guess im doing somthing right or everyones just nice lol

Yup, this is both normal and long term. You are not going to "bounce back". This is the new reality.

We spend our early lives trained in linear systems. A causes B. If you want B, then do A. Nice, orderly, predictable. Controllable. These skills work out pretty well if you're a single person working in an office or factory environment.

But living, complex things aren't linear. They are nonlinear. A does not cause B. At any given moment, A may cause nothing, or B, or C, or D, or BCD, or it may split into a dozen A's and roll giggling down the hallway. You can identify patterns in a nonlinear system, and learn to ride them (think surfing). But you can't every precisely predict or control a nonlinear system. Weather is nonlinear. Farming is nonlinear. And parenting is nonlinear.

It doesn't matter how strong you are, you can't control the weather. It doesn't matter how strong you are, you can't control all the factors when balancing home/work/play/baby/wife roles. This is universal for all parents. The crazymaking comes when we expect it to be different for us.

Think of it like someone who has spent all their life playing in the wave pool at the waterpark, then swims in the ocean. It looks the same, but it isn't. The waves don't come at regular intervals or in regular sizes. You can make yourself crazy trying to count the waves and do the math and figure out exactly what kind of wave will come when. It will never work. Instead of trying to predict and control what *should* be there, you learn to observe and react to what *is* there. And then you discover the joy of the ocean.

You are now living in a nonlinear system. You can't make it linear no matter how hard you try. Come to peace with this. Be gentle with yourself. It's a different reality than the one you were probably used to pre-baby, and it takes a lot of adjusting. But it has a beauty all it's own.

I'm glad you have your husband's support. He's right, you're being too hard on yourself. It never goes back to the way it was...but it does go somewhere else wonderful.

Good luck.

Yep completely normal. Some days you just have piles of clean laundry all piled up waiting to be put away or both sinks full of dishes and can't find the 10 minutes to get them in the dishwasher. But baby had a bad day fussing over teeth or kept getting into things or the phone kept ringing. Or you just decided to relax a bit and play with the baby.

It helps if you can find a mother's helper, usually a pre-teen or teen girl who will come in and help. An hour or two of help every day is so wonderful.

I still feel out of sinc sometimes, and my boys are both is school! lol

But seriously, I think we all get like that because we think we should be able to fold this little baby into our old lives, but everything about your life will be different now, so you have to change as well. Just learn to go with the flow, and don't focus on the little stuff, and most important, make sure to make time in your week for just you, and for couple time, even if it means a sitter or mothers helper.

Yes, this is absolutely Normal. I have felt this way off and on for over 5 years now, ever since the birth of my first born. Usually, I can cope, but sometimes, there just are those days, or weeks, or even a bad month every now and then where I'm thinking, "What am I doing here?!"

Showering every morning, sticking to a routine, excersizing, staying healthy, having fun with your child, having "you time", structured days, being okay with not being perfect or the laundry having to be done perfectly, or having cereal for dinner every once in a while, prioritizing, delegating things to your husband, prayers... those are things that keep you sane.

It seems to last such a long time because as moms we are always readjusting. Your baby is growing and learning every day so you are growing with them. Enjoy the ride! Eventually (like by the time you have baby #3) you won't have to think on your feet so much. :)

i knew being a mom was going to change things, but i truly was unprepared. i was a giant mess for a long time, BUT i wouldn't change a thing. the laundry didn't get done, the vacuum wasn't run often enough, i certainly didn't exercise or spend the time w the girls like i wanted. but, you never get the time back with your child. don't be so hard on yourself- it's the toughest role there is! but you'll figure out your own priorities and feel good about yourself again. this too, shall pass.

You are normal.
My Hubby has said that same thing, to me.
But the thing is, I was NOT 'frustrated' about myself.
What it was, is that... you now have a baby. And everything a Mom does... cannot be all neat and tidy and controlled and predictable and uninterrupted.
THUS, that is frustrating.
But not about myself.
It is now that, your world, AND your Husband's is now much more demanding.
And you need to know, that all parents, go through that.
One cannot be a parent, unless you let go of previous stereotypes and grasp onto new ones. Present ones. New 'ideals.' Not based on your old self. You are as you are now. Not before.

Being a WAHM is NOT easy. It is a fallacy to think, that staying home to work with a child in the house is 'easy.' It is not. At all. It is HARDER.

You are human.
You are hard on yourself.
THAT itself, will drain you and keep you on a hard to fulfill... self-made 'treadmill' mentally. Unless, you let go.

It will not stop.
You just can try to be organized.
But with any baby or child or children.... life is never pat. It is never planned and predictable and straightforward. NEVER.
So you have to, be in sync with that.
Because, otherwise, you will always feel incomplete.

Everything changed after the youngest turned 3yo. Once they stopped depending on me for every.little.thing. it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

But yes, I felt that way too. I had four kids in 7 1/2 years, and those first 10 years are kinda a blurrrrr...

It was worst for me after my 1st. I was a mess for about a year. I didn't realize how exhausting nursing is, I nursed for 11 1/2 months, and my energy level was zilch. I thought I was "still tired from child birth" and lack of sleep and just being busy. I too was used to handling everything like a champ and was annoyed at taking so long to bounce back (Luckily for me, I got my bionic powers back as soon as I quit nursing).

For the second two, I gave myself a free pass to be a wreck for a year, and magically, I snapped out of it much quicker on all levels. (But honestly, it took 2 years to feel completely like my old self again)

I'd say you're almost out of the woods. 8 months is actually not long to bounce back. Hubby's right, don't be hard on yourself! You want to look back on the days your baby was tiny as happy memories! :)

Hi new Mama
To be totally honest I think it took me about two years before I came out of the woods and began to have some energy and life again. lol
I was single until 32 yrs,met my hubby and was married with a new baby by 33 yrs. It was some shock to my system!!
Our son is now 4yrs and I am nearly due with baby no.2 so I am praying that it will be easier this time around lol.
Overall the positives of motherhood totally outweigh all the exaustion so hang in there.
All the best from one Mammy to another.
B. k

I have an 8 month old, a 3 year old, and a 7 year old! My mom tells me it gets easier as the kids get older!!! I am not so sure! First you have the baby stage when you are nursing and getting up at night. Then the baby starts to crawl and you think oh isn't this fun!!!! Then the baby walk and runs and you get to chase the baby all over! Then comes the toddler stage when the child starts to get naughty and inquisitive. Then preschool and then school and you think oh thank goodness! Until the child come home with a ton of homework and you get to sit there and walk then thought everything! Now I have cub scouts (my hubby and I are the cub master), football, choir, hand bells, swimming, and awanas!!! And you know what though all the exhaustion you are going to have the time of your life!!!!! It does not get any better then this (hence why I did it 3 times :) except the exhaustion and just enjoy your baby as much as you can! I was really sick with my last pregnancy and realized I could not go though that again so knowing this was our last baby we had so much more fun with her then we did with our boys. If I could do it all again I would enjoy the baby stage a lot more! Good luck!

Yes, me too. This feeling can last a long time, but you can change it. What has really worked for me and given me sanity is that I have a close friend with whom I talk daily too. We are both moms. We call each other every single morning except Sundays. We spend anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour sometimes even longer, on the phone just talking, venting, and giving one another support. I cannot tell you how much fulfillment we get from our chats. It's absolutely reenergizing and helps you get through life.

You gotta fake it till you make it ... once you fake it long enough it will fall into place.

2 years to sanity / feeling "like myself" again

I didn't believe friends & family that warned me it wouldn't be until my youngest was 2 (and I wasn't pregnant) that I'd feel "normal" again.

Dead in the black. My (only) had just turned 2 when I looked around and went "Dang. They were right."

Its perfectly normal. No, seriously, I mean this IS the new 'normal' in your life. Try to grow into the role. I have 2 kids, both in middle school, and I am constantly chasing my tail. The challenges simply change as they grow up.

Eventually the chaos becomes the norm, and you learn to deal with it.
The other day I did nine loads of washing because I'd been so busy all week I hadn't done any. Yes, that's extreme, but it happens.

I still collapse into bed exhausted every evening ( getting more exercise does help a lot with stamina), and wake up the next morning hoping it'll be an 'easy day.

One day, we'll probably wake up and wish we were busy again, ( that's what people tell me ...) but right now, it's Keep Calm and Carry On in my house.

What you are experiencing is normal, give yourself a break, it doesn't all have to be perfect, just aim for HAPPY!!

Good luck!

I felt that way till I stopped breast feeding. Then it got a little easier. My daughter is three and there are somedays I still feel like I am running in circles but nothing is actually happening. I think it's just the life of a parent. I do think it gets easier when they get older. When my daughter started talking and being able to tell me what was wrong was a real blessing.

There are always changes and adjustments to make! I think once we were in something resembling a groove with our first, I finished my grad classes and then next thing we knew I was pregnant and starting a new job. New groove. New stressors. New messes then with a toddler and a newborn. My husband works evenings so we're always at a loss about our house. Unlike a home where children are in care or school, our house is fully lived and played in all day every day so it never gets a break.

Once things were a little more routine with our second and finally felt like I might be content with just two kids my husband let me know he actually wanted a third. I certainly didn't object and here we are with three boys ages 6 months, 3 years, and 4 1/2 years. Nobody's in school, our house is still a mess (but it is a new mess every week--that is my only comfort), I'm starting a new position after 3 1/2 years in the same one, and I still feel overwhelmed and inadequate. I have "I'm 27, I shouldn't be struggling to get my dishes done and pay bills!" moments, but I try to remember that my kids are happy and THEIR memories are what is important, not my house. They are not going to think, "Mom wasn't always a great housekeeper and we just weren't able to relax and play because after work she was tired and just snuggled us instead of cleaning." They do not have any trouble having a great time every day.

I'm struggling with beating myself up over my weight. I still have about 4-6 baby pounds (give or take) and my son is 6 months old. My husband's really encouraging and supportive and complimentary but I just want to be mean to myself and wallow.

So anyway, you're not alone, you do have to learn to shift gears, and I should listen to my own advice. I think our husbands can help us remember where our priorities should be. My husband doesn't always do a lot of the cleaning that I want to see done because he doesn't see it as needing to be done at all. He's much more content to use his days off relaxing and seeing us whereas I feel the need to be on my feet the whole day cleaning. I think I also need to learn from his example, but only to a certain extent.

Absolutely! 3 kids later and I still wonder when i will feel "normal" again. I guess the thing is that we don't realize the old normal is gone, we have to find a new normal now. And a new self. We have these little beings now that come before all of our needs, we just have to remember to meet our own needs and wants sometimes. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, if you're doing it right :)

I think I finally hit my stride wth number 1 around month 13 or 14. I was dividing my time between child/home/hubby/work in a way that worked for our family and my stress level went down. Well, number 2 was born when number 1 was 21 months old and she is now a week away from being 8 months old. I have not regained my footing yet! We have gone through alot as a family in addition to adding a new family member (hubby deployed, we moved to another state, dog passed unexpectedly, things like that) and I have not been able to return to work yet this time. So I am feeling like I still have a lot to sort out and adapt to and it gets really frustrating to feel stuck like this. But we have good days and that gives me hope that I WILL achaive that balenced feeling again. So be patient with yourself, and I do think it is similar to "riding a wave" as another poster said. You will be constantly adapting and parenting is a moving target, so you won't get "there" and stop. But you can get to a place where the juggling act feels comfortable and balenced and there is space for each of your roles n your life to fit together. Each kid you have will make you go through this process again (which is worthwhile by the way, despite its frustrating nature).

So, you are not alone, and keep fighting the good fight!!! It will come together - it will never be the same as before children, but it will come together none the less :)

O yes! I was a confident self providing person who drove a brand new car every two years, salon appointments like clock work every 6 weeks you get the picture. I got married and had another baby 4 years ago. I quit my very good corporate job to stay home with the baby and its by far the hardest job I have ever done. Im still tired, haunt list the weight forgot what it'd even like to get a highlight and my car, its a 2003 that I feel like we will never pay off! Life changes and I've learned you just have to roll with it! It may not be what your used to but you take one day at a time mama. Make sure you make some alone time just for you. Even wonder woman needs a little R&R!

You will need to find a new normal for yourself. I have six, and some grandkids, and now that my youngest is sixteen I have the time to do what I want. But I'm still working to break the patterns I developed when my kids were little and I couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself.

Having a baby changes everything. You will never be the person you were before. But your role as a mother and your relationship with your daughter will always be the most important parts of your life (and I'm speaking as a woman who has accomplished other things). For me, eight months was a perfect age. My kids couldn't talk back yet, couldn't go anywhere too far without me, couldn't really get into anything--and they were so loving and cuddly.

What you're feeling is completely normal. Being a mother is a huge job, and of course you're tired and lonely. Enjoy your daughter, look for some small activities you can do that fulfill your needs, ask your husband or a relative to watch the baby once in a while so you can have some "me" time. You'll get through this. All but two of my kids have left home now and I miss them so much. But there were days when I never thought I'd say that.

Yes Yes those first months are hard .We are still adjusting to the new role and feel we are not doing a good job at it. I used to feel worse because my son used to refuse to eat for M..Also it was a struggle to get him to sleep. The day he ate and slept well used to be the happiest days for M. and I used to feel like I acoomplished something :) My son is 16 months old now and I feel like I do a better job now. Maybe because my son is older now and I am more comfortable in the M. role. Babies are fun but it's so difficult to understand what they want, why they cry.It gets better once they start understanding you and communicating a bit. I am now a good mom but wife? I tell my husband I don't have time to be a wife at this time. He jokes that he is living with his son and his son's mom. We do everything together but generally all that revolves around our son. He misses the times we had just as a couple. Well.. my son is not going to be so little forever. Right now I want to devote my time to him, take care of him as well as I can and just enjoy his infancy and toddlerhood. Once he starts getting more independent, I can then manage to be good at all roles I think.
Someone told M. to stop worrying about laundry, the dishes and getting the house cleaned and just enjoy the baby. I think it was the best advice I got because housework is always gonna be there. What if the house is a little messy , I do my best to keep it clean but I give more importance to spending time with my little one than keeping everything clean and tidy. These days won't last forever , so I think it's imporatnt we realize what our priority is and be at peace with it. It's impossible to do everything right , esp us working moms. I still get stressed sometimes when I have so much to do at home, but now I deal with it better. Oh and at 8 months your kid still would have seperation anxiety and is more clingy, so it's a tough phase and very exhausting. I feel I have lot more time to do things around the house now as my son is not that clingy anymore and can play by himself for a while.

It is normal. You have to adjust to the new role as momma and recover from having the baby some people bounce back faster than others. Stop putting so much pressure on you that it affects how you react to things.

If need be make up a schedule of things to do that are logical. Like time for work, cleaning, childcare and such. Than break that down into smaller chunks until you find the right mix. Include in there so "ME" time whether it is a half hour or an hour so that you can take a bath in peace without interruption.

You will get yourself back just don't be so hard on you. If you need to get a checkup from the doctor and make sure all is well physically. A happy mommy is a happy family.

Love to you.

The other S.

yes, it's normal. and it lasts pretty much until the kids move OUT. the key is to LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS! laundry not done? who cares. dirty dishes in the sink? meh. haven't washed your hair in days? no big deal. ice cream for dinner? YES! you have to learn to just go with it, and yes, you'll feel like you're flying by the set of your pants sometimes, but in the end, you'll all be fine. get yourself into a class or get out with your friends more often. it'll be good for everyone. make a schedule with hubby so he knows when you need time away and for when everyone's responsible for shopping, dinner, chores, etc.. find a sitter so you can go out together! heck, ask the sitter to do the dishes and vacuum!

Yes, I felt the same way for the longest time. My son is now 16 months old and I feel myself coming back more and more each day, lol. I think what helped a lot was when he started to be able to do more and more and it started to hold us back less and less. Also, you definitely need to lower your standards and just accept that the years with young children in the house are just going to be different than before and after. Different meaning messy, chaotic, etc etc and it's okay. I have been where you have been - completely over my head in what felt like an endless battle with housework, being a good wife, mom, etc. Lower your standards, try to laugh at the craziness when it takes over (this is important!) and work on things one at a time. Join a mom's group or make a commitment to yourself that every other week you will go out with a girlfriend. Make a chore list with your hubby and divide out the household responsibilities. He's right, your being too hard on yourself and it sounds as if he's completely on board with helping you do whatever is needed to bring you back. My hubby and I LITERALLY sat down and had a "happiness conversation" in which we just had to talk about what it took to get back to a good place. Have one of these :)

Oh yes, I think you are so normal. Plus you are trying to work and be a mom all at the same time. Do you have any child care help when you work? I know working moms and stay at home moms have a tough go sometimes too but if you are trying to tackle it all with no help, that could really be taxing you mentally and emotionally. I am a SAHM and my transition was a tough one. I don't remember when I started to settle into it all but it didn't just happen in a day for sure. I always wanted to stay home and raise my kids but the reality looked very different from what I had imagined and it took time for me to adjust to the actual work load of it all. I get so annoyed when people talk about lazy moms at home bc being at home is SOOOO much work and it's easy to get overwhelmed by it all. Plus people are different, energy levels are different, life expectations are different. Listen to your hubby. You are doing great, ease up on yourself a bit. Also, do you have any time carved out for yourself during the week? If not, find some asap. I take every Wednesday night off. This week I am getting a pedicure and going to dinner with my mom. You NEED some downtime. If you are last on your list all the time your brain can start buggin' out. One day I realized that I am not super woman just regular woman capable of amazing feats from time to time but regular all the same. Even though I am a wife and mom and friend I am still a regular person who needs a balance of work and fun. I still need to look pretty and take care of myself as well, I didn't cease to be a woman bc I am a mom. Good luck and yes you are normal!

Yes I did. I was a strung out mess the first time, and still am now that I have a 5 yo and a 1 yo! LOL It is a huge adjustment, and becoming supermom doesn't come overnight. Now that I have two kids, and a full time job, I am just plain old crazy most of the time. But I wouldn't have it any other way. :) Just take it day by day. And be easy on yourself. Being a mom is a huge adjustment. Anyone that tells you that it's a breeze the first time is completely full of bull.

Yes yes yes! I definitely felt that same way with my first. I now have a 7 year old and a 2 year old and I no longer feel this way. I don't know when I started feeling more content and on top of things but it was a gradual change. Having a baby is a lot of change in life and it takes time to get used to it! I agree with your husband that you are being too hard on yourself!

Ah, dear Elizabeth, I am a third time Mommy and I am still a mess! LOL. (Note I am laughing at myself, not you!) My oldest is now four so it has been at least that long.

I work from home one day a week and this summer, I finally hired a local HSer to come for about 6 hours a day to entertain the odler two. I just could not do it on my own. Now that school has started, I do not have that luxury, but the oldest goes to pre-k for about 2 hours in the afternoon. This one day a week working at home is the hardest day of my week. I start early like at 5AM when Hubby goes to work till the kids get up at about 7Am and then I do what I can during the day (being available, answering emails and taking teleconferences) and then I work steadily from 8pm till 10pm or 11pm, depending on what I get accomplished during the day.

I have determined that certain things need to give - there seems to be an endless pile of clothes in the basket - but I make the kids a priority and make sure they get my undivided attention from 6pm till bedtime at 8pm. Seperation of work and home is hard, but key on that day.

I would not consider any of the things you are feeling as abnormal or otherwise. I think being a WAHM makes you a strong person. Period! Don't stress too much and try to pick your battles. If you need help, get it - a few hours with a young sitter after school so you can focus on work, a maid service once a month, whatever it is. I even throw in a bit of exercise while watching my evening shows on Monday night.

I wish you luck and you will eventually hit a stride that my Hubby likes to call "our new normal". You won't be able to go backwards, but you'll find your groove!

Good Luck!
~C.

It sounds like you are missing you. Revisit yourself, and soon!!!!!!!

Find a MOPS group, Bible study class, or mom's group that you can attend! I felt that way too with my first child for the first year. A new mom goes through so many changes and change can take a while to adjust to.

Yes! I am a second time mom & feel that way. Give yourself a break.