Divorce, Should I Do It

Go and get a copy of the book, "The Love Dare." It could change your marriage, your life, and make a profound difference in your family's future. See the movie "Fireproof" if you can. I wish we'd had these when we were struggling ourselves.

God can change hearts and heal marriages that seem broken beyond fixing. My husband and I are living proof. If you'd asked me 10 years ago, I'd never have thought I'd still be married to him. Today we are happy beyond what any two humans deserve. That doesn't mean your story will end the same, but it DOES happen in real life - I can promise you that from my own experience.

S.,

I am going through divorce. He left feb. 10th, I filed april 29th. It is not even close to being over. It is a horrible horrible battle. He was a rotten and abusive man but still has rights and has an attorney working for him. My legal fees are 5 digits long. He still takes the girls even when they are screaming and crying, no, no, mommies house! Its heartbreaking. (we tried 4 counselors, books, tapes, a weekend retreat)

IF you haven't tried counseling. I suggest you do. Read a book yourself, look up tapes to listen to. Do this for yourself if he won't try. Then make your decision. You might very well be better off divorcing but you owe it to your self to talk to a professional first to help sort out your own feelings. Don't worry about him, worry about you and your babies.

TRY to enjoy your holiday with the two that mean the most to you.
Merry christmas.

Dear S., I have been married for almost 19 years. There have been a few times over the years that I seriously considered divorcing my husband and walking away with my girls. I can't tell you how glad (today) that I didn't do that. Every marriage goes through hard times...fighting over stupid things like socks on the living room floor or big things like bankruptsy. Death, taxes, kids, parents, life...it just all gets in the way sometimes. For some people counseling just isn't the answer and forcing someone to partisapate doesn't work.

You can go to counseling on your own...there is no rule that both of you have to go. Sometimes taking the time to vent to a "disintrested" third party really helps you regain your perspective and gives you the breathing space you need to work on things with your partner. This has worked for me a number of times with different family relationships.

If you need to take a break and go for an extended vacation to your parents home, by all means go. But don't be too quick to throw away your marriage, or your love of your husband. Take some time to think about the reasons why you married him, and had children with him. He has to have something special in him, or you wouldn't had done either thing!

You also need to really consider your daughters. Staying married because of the kids is wrong, but not considering them and not working on your marriage for them is also wrong. Many studies have shown that the repercussions of divorce on children is far-reaching and permant. If you do divorce you will still have to have a working relationship with your husband forever, because you do share children and they deserve to have both their parents in their lives no matter what!

Take things one day at a time, one issue at a time! Don't buy into "what if". You can't control the future and you can't forsee it either. All you have is today so make the most of it!! My last shread of advice....never make a decision like divorce when you are emotional! Emotional spur of the moment decisions are the ones we tend to regret in the long run. I hope you find the peace and happiness you are seeking! Best wishes.

Sam
I am 44 yo and it has taken me this long to get a hold of my feelings amd emotions,as long as he has demands and you have demands and there is no communication nothing will work. This will just spiral into "push and shove"(not physical)(just emotionally) matches between the two of you and the use of the kids will come into play because you will have nothing else other than to move.Yes conseling is a good idea but men arent so available with their feelings and emotions like we are and able to discuss them with perfect strangers like we are............so I wouldnt be suprised if he just
wont at any cost. Try removing your emotions from the situation and just try not to discuss is all the time and see if the communication can come back to where you can "just talk" about things.........anything....... and see if there is some common ground you can reach. It the holidays and the focus should be on the kids and nothing else and once things settle down maybe you can make a plan of action that will fit both of your needs.

I hope that helps alittle....best wishes
and Happy Holidays
S.

Hi S.,

I am so sorry you and your family are going through difficult times. It sounds like you have very specific reasons for wanting to go through counseling and that your husband is not seeing the point. I agree with the other people who responded that seeking support for yourself would be useful. Seeing a counselor could help you not only sort out your emotions, but also figure out how not to repeat the patterns either in your current marriage if you consider trying again or in future relationships that have led to this difficult place. Also, nothing prevents you from setting up an appointment with a provider and telling your husband you are committed to getting help and that if he really feels he wants to save the marriage then he should attend. Let him know that either way you will be seeking support and making your own decisions. At this time it sounds like you are letting your husband decide for you what should be done and given his opinion it sounds like it is very frustrating for you. Taking back some control would be helpful for you and will make him see how serious you are in making lasting changes. Divorce is never easy, your children will tie you together for many years to come so being very careful about what you really want is essential. There are no right or wrong answers in this. Children do best when their parents are also taking care of themselves and doing well, so whatever you choose make sure to not overlook your emotional well-being. Good luck and try to enjoy the holidays with your girls!