Divorce - Sandy,UT

I know couples, divorced... that do this:

1) both still live in the same neighborhood. Even if just 1 street over. That way, either parent is close by, schools are the same, not major school changes for the children... mommy or daddy are 'next door.' If anything comes up, where in a pinch the other parent is needed... they are right there. And not major trekking, across town... for visitations or school drop-off and pick-ups etc.

2) both... still live in the same home. Yes. Their home is 2 story, more than 4 bedrooms. It works for them, and their kids. How, I don't know. But it works for them... kids have their parents right there, still. No schedule changes or school changes. The parents are amicable... but lead their own lives. Granted, they do not bring home... opposite sex... 'friends.'
But their children know,, their parents are not married anymore... but that they are still a "family." They do attend functions/events with their children still. Anyone who knows them, does know, they ARE divorced.

In these ways, the children did not have to 'change' or lose friends or schools or neighborhoods, just because THEY have to... be the one's to give up their weekends (with their friends' or give up activities/weekend classes/parties)... by being switched around every weekend or every other weekend, to go visit another parent.

all the best,
Susan

This may not help you, but I was were you are now a couple of years ago. We were still living together, but we had the papers filled out and were talking about how to split time with the kids ect...

We decided to wait 6 months to make any choice, and during that time we went into intensive therapy. We both had solo sessions each week, followed by a couples session later in the week. Later on we went to solo sessions one week with our couple session the following week. That 6 months came and went, and here we are happy once again in our marriage. It can be done if you are both willing to fight for it.

I know some will say that if you can be friends, you can stay married. That didn't work for us. We are still friends, and very close in some ways. There are a lot of reasons why we are all doing better in two households instead of one. Being able to work together to raise your children is so important, and gives you more options than couples who can't cooperate.

We used a mediator instead of lawyers to write out our divorce agreement. It was sooo much less expensive and not at all antagonistic. We met with the mediator together and talked through finances, schedules, and anything else needed to put together the agreement. Then we needed to hire a lawyer (one, not two, although some couples do have separate lawyers review the agreement) to put it in the format and language the court needs to see.

Neither of us pays "support" to the other. We have a joint checking account that is for the purpose of supporting our daughter's needs. We each deposit an agreed upon amount (based on our incomes) into the account each month. We each use this money to buy clothing, school supplies, pay for piano/swimming/karate lessons, daycare, summer daycamps, etc. for our daughter. As a joint account, we each have visibility into the account transactions and trust each other to use the money wisely. If there are bigger expenses, we discuss them first.

More schedules are 50/50 these days, if both parents are involved. Our schedule looks like this:

My time with my daughter:
Week 1 - Sun, Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat
Week 2 - Tues, Wed
Repeat

We've been doing this since our daughter was 4 1/2, she is now almost 9 and it still works for us. Some will say that frequent change is not good for kids, but for our daughter (and us) a whole week would be way too long.

This schedule does require a bit more cooperation, maybe, because of the frequent changes. If something is forgotten, both need to be willing to bring the lost book or sports equipment to where it needs to be, for instance. Both households have equal clothing, toys, etc. School stuff stays IN the backback as much as possible. If we were living farther apart, this schedule would also not work. We are prepared to change this if, when she is older, this doesn't work well for our daughter.

We also have dinner together as a family fairly regularly - once every other week or more. And occasionally plan a family outing with our daughter. We've learned to be flexible with these plans - if it doesn't feel like the right time for any reason, we'll just do it another time.

Again, most divorced people will think this isn't possible, but for us, it is. We had been together for 25 years, raised two (step)children together and have three grandchildren, along with our 9 year-old. We will always be a family, just not a traditional one. It's not that we never disagree or fight, we do, but we decided to be co-parents, not single parents.

CO-parent. Just talk about co-parenting... so your kids wont get the feeling that theyve done something wrong or that one of YOU is bad.

My favorite "different" schedule, was my best friend's schedule when we were growing up.

During the school year
- Weekdays with mom
- Weekends with dad

During the summer or holidays
- Weekdays with dad
- Weekends with mom
(aka reversed)

During the school year her dad would pick her up from school on Fridays, and drop her off at school on mondays. That way there was never any lost HW (aka stuff left at one parents), the parent dropping off at school had had them the night before, and both parents got to stay active in her education. Parents had ample ability to plan activities (aka lessons, playdates, etc.) / there wasn't a disconnect between what was going on and whose day it was. And it was *solid*. No my weekend, your weekend, bringing home in time for bed for school the next day dinner nights, oops I left my project at dad's house, her mom was supposed to make sure she blah blah blah, etc.

Her parents were on great terms with each other (I spent nights at both houses often, and vice versa she'd spend nights with me... so we both saw a lot of each other's families), they made fantastic friends... just lousy partners. Both eventually remarried. The schedule stayed the same, however until highschool graduation. It just *worked*.

My parents divorced when I was 10. They lived within 20-30 minutes most of the time, which was very convenient for visitation. We visited my dad every weekend and stayed at his place. Mom's side kept him involved in family events (Christmas, easter, family birthdays - including his, etc.). Keep them in the same school district if you can - having to move/switch schools is really tough on a kid.

If you are open to communicating and putting the kids mental health and stability first, they will thank you for it when they are older.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for people who have "civil" divorces to live in houses that are set up with bedrooms on either side so they don't have to "live together" even though they live in the same house... probably not doable, but an interesting idea.

I hope it works out well, and I commend both of you for trying to make things work easily for your kiddos.

Sorry to hear that you both are "thinking" about getting a divorce. Marriage counseling an option? It sounds like both of you are pretty civil about this..which is great. Many divorces/couples are pretty messy! I really admire those couples that do divorce that they can still maintain a civil relationship..especially for the childrens' sake. Have you both sat down and really agreed to go through this divorce? Did you both already sit down with your kids and talk to them about this?

I heard that instead of the children moving from house to house..maybe...the parent would do the "jumping" around. Example, keep the place you guys have now..since the kids are pretty much comfortable already. Maybe you or your husband can move out and take turns coming into the home. Again, reassure them that this is NOT their fault, that both of you love them dearly and how the schedule would be like. Talk to them about any concerns they may have.

Since you both are open to talking..maybe you two wouldn't have to get a divorce..it sounds like you two might be able to work things out with a little help from a marriage counselor...? Good luck!

I vote fight for your marriage - it sounds like you can work things out!

I have always wondered why people who can "stay friends" don't stay married (with the exception of a dear friend whose divorce from his best girl friend was inevitable since he was gay).

My parents divorced when I was a teen. My husband was about 22 when his parents divorced. Our marriage is kind rough at times, but our experience as the children of divorce leads us to want to stay married.

I wish you luck regardless. The only advice I have if you follow through is - always make it okay for the kids to have you both in the same room.

I know a couple that, in my opinion, made the best choice for their children. She stayed in the home they had and he bought a house on the same street. They chose to get married and have kids and didn't want their kids suffering because of their decision to end their marriage. Their kids didn't have double lives, seperate neighborhoods, etc. They know that both their parents still love them. The kids know that mom or dad are always their for them.

You don't have to live on the same street; but living in the same neighborhood, would be very beneficial to your children. My daughter has a friend and her parents divorced. She never gets to do anything with her friends because she spends every weekend away with her dad. She likes to spend time with her dad; but I can tell she feels left out of a lot. She would like to participate in some of the weekend get togethers with her friends.

I am really good friends with both X's. This is for the sake of the kids. My youngest son went through the divorce when he was 3. I let my kids have as much time with their father as possible. My little boy has a special bedroom set aside for him at mom and dad's house. He has a toybox at each also. We both try to make each place seem like home. We always go to parent-teacher conference together. My older kids were not so lucky! Their father had not actually grown up. My daughter had me as her role model so things were not as rough on her as they could have been. My son missed his dad (who was in another state) terribly. When he gets to spend any amount of time with him it is just fantastic. Whatever happens do not use your kids as pawns. So many parents do this and the kids are the ones that get hurt.

Our children were a little older than yours when we got divorced, so this works for us. We chose to both live in the same small town so there are no dramatic school or activities changes, and live about 1 mile apart. There is not a visitation schedule at all. We really do get along very well, and discuss children issues very often. We told them, and meant it completely, that they still come first and they are our priority. We both know what goes on at school and in their lives, and hold them to any commitments or discipline at either house.

They stay at either house whenever they want to and it works for us. The hard part is cooking dinner because we never really know how many we're cooking for, but that's a small inconvenience to know they are ok and happy. They see us both every day so are still accountable to us both. We both go to their games and activities and sometimes sit together. They know we love them first and foremost, their needs come first. Good luck. It doesn't have to be an ugly and hateful time.