Filing for Divorce and Scared to Pieces; but Sometimes Feel at Peace Too

I would also like to send you a huge hug! I really don't think it is any of our places to tell you whether divorce is right for your family or not. I am a successful product of a divorced family. My parents were NOT able to be civil with one another, however they both tried EXTREMELY hard to not sling mud at each other. I did go to counseling, but I always thought it was stupid, because the counselors tried to make sure I didn't blame myself (I was 3 when they split, and the counselling I remember is from when I was 8 or so)...of COURSE it's not MY fault that two adults can't live together! LOL! It was obvious to me...

Anyway, you sound pretty set in divorcing him, and you certainly have my permission, LOL, but I did want to link you this one thread from a month or so ago. There are 74 responses, and most of them are women who do not "naturally" love our husbands, but we choose to do so every day. If you are beyond that, then bravo to you for recognizing it. If you are willing to keep thinking about it, some women give suggestions on how they live everyday. http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/9097239248087613441

Blessings to all five of you, no matter what paths your lives take,
K.

I just wanted to give you some advice from the perspective of a child raised by parents who obviously did not love each other. I know a lot of women on this board are highly judgmental and will tell you to stick with it for the sake of the children or b/c you made a commitment, but let me tell you that it is FAR worse for your children to watch you slowly hate your husband. I knew when I was 12 years old how much my mother hated my dad, and she forced herself to smile and play the part for the "sake of the children." I watched her self-esteem erode, my father became verbally abusive towards her and us, and by the time they got divorced (when I was 21) there was so much hatred between them that they refused to speak to or about each other for over 5 years. I would love for any of these women who say "love is a choice" to honestly tell me or you that this was the better choice. Watching this type of marriage go on in my home made it very difficult for me to sustain a relationship or to trust anyone as an adult. Children are much better off with two happy parents who are divorced than two miserable parents who can't stand each other. And believe me, they can tell the difference. My parents are now both very happily remarried to wonderful people, and my mother and father are actually friends now. That friendship is more powerful than their marriage ever was. I'm not telling you to get divorced; I'm just saying you have a right to happiness and to be in love. If you don't love your husband, I think it's horrible for someone to tell you you HAVE to endure it. Good luck.

Like I've told other moms, love is NOT a feeling. It's an action. You have to SHOW love everyday. Your feelings will follow. You married this man and made commitments and vows to him. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. You've gone through struggles of infertility with him, and you've BOTH been blessed with three children. Do you really think that putting them through a divorce is going to be good for them? It's not. You and your husband need to work things out. I would suggest reading books by Dr. Laura Schlessinger on marriage. One good one that I suggest reading is The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. That's a really good one that helps with marriage. Woman Power is pretty good, too. The movie and book Fireproof deal with marriage, too. And that has a journal that you can get, too, called The Love Dare. The Love Dare shows you how to show love even when you don't feel like it. And I know that some moms will say to stay away from Dr. Laura and blah blah blah, but I think that saving your marriage is really important. Now, I haven't read any of the replies to what you've posted, but I'm sure that there are quite a few that are telling you how to file for a divorce or to go ahead and do it. But I'm telling you, that getting a divorce is not in the best interests of you or your children. Dr. Laura has a website and a YouTube channel. I would suggest checking that out. Maybe even call her and get her advice. See what she has to say. Divorce rates in this country are high enough as it is. So are the troubles with kids who have parents that are divorced. Do yourself (and your family) a favor: work harder at your marriage instead of running away from your problems. Make it work!

you should follow your heart and it will tell you.you are very brave!!!!

Just do it. The longer you wait, the harder it will be, on the children especially. You clearly know it is time to move on. Yes, it is very hard, and you may never find your "soulmate," but I believe it is better to be alone than with someone you cannot care for.

The good thing is you did love him, and you both had much in common and blessed with 3 wonderful children creating a complete family. And not too many husbands are good supporters for their family but yours are. Marriage or relationship was never promised to be happily ever after. A man and a woman are joined together as "one" 100% of you !00% of your husband. It can't be 50/50 because it creates division. In alot of marriages that's gone cold is the same reply, "I don't love him anymore" it grew cold or it isn't the same as it was in the beginning. It seems like it isn't fun or romantic anymore. These are some of the excuses people use to get out of a marriage and begin a fantacy of their own and they dwell on all the negatives rather than finding a solution to correct the problem. Marriage takes time to build and needs fixing time after time to make it work, nuture it, groom it, communicate and work it out. Marriage is a serious thing when you made an oath before God Almighty and you can make it wonderful and workable if you choose. Strong and healhy marriage devolpes good character for your children. Start courting again, and as long as he is not abusive and he loves you work it out I am sure there is some good in your marriage.. And sweetie, Love is a choice it is not a feeling, if you based your love on feelings it will hurt your marriage. Our mood changes so we really don't want to base it on feelings right? rightfully it is by choice, you choose to love or you choose to hate. I am not one who knows it all, I have been in your shoes and walk the talk and in worse condition. After all the many years of darts I created to ruind eveything I had, I chose to love my husband, when I took my eyes off "me" and love the way God taught me to love. He displayed His love for me when He "chose" to die for me on the cross... A mother of 7 children and that multiplied now by three generations. Married 51 years... Blessing on you

I'm probably going to be the only one who answers this way, BUT . . . before you give up, especially since there are children involved, try to remember why you fell in love with your husband in the first place. Concentrate on his good qualities, make a list if it helps. When was the last time you told him that you appreciate him? When was the the last time you two had a "date night" (no kids). You don't even have to leave the house, just have the kids go elsewhere and you guys concentrate on yourselves and your relationship. Having a break without with kids does wonders. I wish my husband and I could do that once a week. Whenever we are able to do that, it's so wonderful. Even if all we do is take a walk in the woods - free! It's being together, being able to talk in complete sentences, and walk hand in hand. It's worth its weight in gold. There are some great books and videos by Gary Smalley about marriage and relationships in general. It's so easy to get into a rut with the daily routines, the stress of parenting, housework, etc. It takes work to carve time out for just keeping the spark alive. Of course it's not always going to be like a honeymoon, that's not reality. But you owe it to yourself to try very hard to make it work. Divorce is devastating on many levels - emotionally for you, emotionally for the children, FINANCIALLY for you. Please don't think my comments are judgmental, they are not. I myself went through a divorce 14 years ago. There were no children involved, thankfully, but it was emotionally and financially devastating for me. Good luck! Marriage is a commitment and it takes work. God bless you.

What I do not understand here is why would you have more children with a man you did not love. Why make a family with this man if you did not really want him. Go through everything to have more kids with him. Now that you have what you really want you dont need him anymore. If you had a soulmate before he would still be with you. Divorce sucks for kids no matter how you try to explain it to them. To bad you cannot work this out with the man who you have married. Good luck to you and your children.

I haven't gone through this, but I just wanted to send you an online hug.
Your situation sounds very rough- especially on you since I'm sure thinking about this takes away the good energy you want to give to your children.
I think you've thought about this a lot, and I think you're making the right decision by getting a divorce. Have you thought about what you'll do afterward? Are you financially able to do it on your own, or do you need a little more time to get things in order?
Start thinking about a parenting plan, too. You didn't say whether or not he is a good father, but you'll need to have at least a rough outline of a parenting plan for the att.
Divorce is hard and not at all pleasant- especially for the children who are caught in the middle. If you go through with this MAKE SURE your children know that both of their parents love them, and just be as honest with them as you can be with them depending on their ages.
Also please, don't sling mud at the other parent to the children. I came from a split home where both parents talked badly about the other, and the only person it ends up hurting is the child.
Good luck, and follow your heart. :)

I understand, I am in a similiar situation.

I suggest that you TRY going to couples therapy with him again. You may be searching for your soulmate for the rest of your life and realize you gave him up.
I am one of the moms who say "don't listen to Dr. Laura". I can't stand her advice. I can never recommend her books or other materials. Marriage is built on more than just reading self help books.
Your husband needs to realize that it takes more than just making money to show love to you. You have an ideal in your head about a soulmate, and he has an ideal in his head of what a happy marriage is. Both of you need to set aside your ideals and make a new commitment to each other.

Having gone through a divorce many years ago, where I felt much the same way you appear to feel - I still regret it. It still hurts, even though we weren't right for each other.

And it's still hard on my kids (each for different reasons).

That was my experience, and we're all different. But you probably will feel better years from now if you know that you gave it every chance to work. He will always be a part of your life because of your kids. Respect him and yourself enough to seek out counseling together, and individually.

Good luck to you - no judgment here. I know how difficult it is. I pray that you do what is best for your family.

With your husband wanting you to stay (sounds like he cares for you) and your three babies, don't give up because of problems which are not solved yet. Winston Churchill said Never never never give up. Keep up all the good things and endure the difficulties and get some really good friends and pray and find more about God.

Divorce is a big thing. I have never been divorced... however being a product of my parents getting divorced... it really messed my brothers and I up. My parents fought and of course as children - you see it coming first. Now that we are all grown up my parents get along better. I know that they both love each other- maybe more because they aren't fighting anymore. My parents had us kids see a counselor. I think they called her a guardian ablitum or something like that. It helped ALOT. Look into some self help books that make you stronger as a woman. Write in a journal and if your kids are old enough have them write in one. As you said, it feels good just to get it off your chest! It takes 2 in a relationship to make things work. Wish you the best- my heart goes out to you and your children!

A. B.