Still Living Together as Divorcees

Before making such a large decision, go together to the movie Fireproof! Give it a try, what do you have to lose.

My advise is either get a divorce and separate or do not get a divorce and continue to live your separate lives as you have been doing. There is nothing normal about living together and being divorced!!! The entire situation is not normal.
What happens when you or he start dating??? You will get into an argument about that in front of the children as well!!!
If you separate there are agencies etc., who will help you with food, rent, childcare, and grant money or financial aid to help you continue your education. In fact it will speed up your schooling so you can get your degree quicker. Daddy can still see the children when he is "home".
Or: If you know what is making you argue, and you are miserable being together you are making the children miserable anyway. Just stop arguing, walk away, don't waste your time arguing constantly. You are setting an example for your children regarding what is a normal marriage and life style they will carry forward in their lives. Is this what you want them to see as a normal adult relationship? That this is the way most adults behave? Then, once you get your degree, find a job, move the children and yourself out or help him find a place to live inexpensively nearby.

You are going to get a bunch of people judging you and saying you should stay marroied, you should not live together...etc. I will not do that.

However some questions come to mind after reading your post are: what are you going to tell your kids? Yes they are young, but old enough to know that Daddy is not sleeping with Mommy (as I assume he wouldn't be). Will you tell them that you are divorced? Will you date? Will he? Are you sure that the fights will end becuawe of a legal distinction? I mean, what do you fight about?

If you do go through with this, set very strict guideliens about anything possible situation and be very open with each other and your kids.

Good luck with whatever you do!

M., if you both feel that it would work, then try it. But I would set ground rules. No one of the opposite sex in the house would be a big one. Good Luck! C.

Boy that is a tough one.Why don't you just refuse to fight with him. In my house I don't allow yelling and screaming at any one , not even my friends can argue with their spouse at my house. I won't tolerate it.My parents fought constantly when I was a child.I hated it and I decided when I grew up and got my own place that no one would be raising their voice to any one in my home and I enforce it.If we have a problem we discuss it like adults not like spoiled brats.It keeps my home very pleasant.Divorce is a huge step backwards and he is only home you said 36 hours a week so just avoid the argueing and see what happens, you may find that he becomes a more loving husband. And you might try spoiling him a bit when he is home like making his favorite meals and deserts.It takes two and when one does their best to avoid conflict the other usually mellows out.
Good luck.

I just saw something about this on the Today show not too long ago. They had a couple dealing with the exact same thing. I can't remember all their pointers, but I'll try. They suggested that you set up separate living spaces. Also, figure out what you're fighting about. Is the fighting likely to continue if you live together? How will you handle dating? Will you date? I believe they suggested that neither party date while living together. What about bills? Will he continue to support you if you get a divorce? Or will you have to go back to work part time? I think it would terribly difficult to live with a spouse that you were divorcing. That's just me though, I'm sure it does work for some people. I see that your husband is a truck driver. Is there any possible way that you could stay with a friend while he is home on the weekends? That would be daddy time for the kids. That way you guys wouldn't have to see each other at all. I honestly don't know if that would be more or less confusing for the kids. I can only imagine what a tough spot you're in. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

I think as long as you BOTH are devoted to the kids and agree to do this for them and agree to the "rules" then why not? The other two posts before me have some very valid questions you should probably consider. My only fear would be something going wrong and one of you ending up in a bad situation more than likely you since you are not working at this time. You might consider just seperating and maybe not even legally just mutually within the house, doesnt sound like you see too much of each other anyway so you probably don't do too many things as a family either so the kids probably wouldn't really notice much. You could try to let him take them and spend as much alone time with them as possible when he is home that way you two won't be fighting as much. Take that time to get away do what you need to do that way you limit the time you two even see each other. When you are in the house together give him his space and let him take care of the kids mostly on his own (totally on his own probably wouldnt work they would know mommy was around some where) and only talk about the kids. Save the other conversations about house and financial issues for the phone that way the kids do not witness it should a fight occure and only talk about necessaties. Once you both are able to get things squared away financially, you finish school or are able to start working and the house market recoupes you could proceed with the divorce. Other than moving to a new house the kids would already be used to the way visitation would likely work out. And you never know once you two are somewhat living like you are divorced and only communicating about the necessaties you may realize what you loved about each other in the first place and nothing would have to change at all. It's 2009 anything goes and as long as the kids are first and everyone is able to be happy (happier) then go for it! Good Luck!

M., It is hard to say if what worked for others would work for you. Each situation is so different. I divorced about 3yrs ago and I have 3 children-9, 13, 16. I have learned that the marriage was not the main reason for my unhappiness and discontentment in my life. I felt very alone in my marriage, my husband at the time would work 60+ hrs a week and when he did come home was always tired. We had separate lives going on. When I divorced and did not have the marriage to blame for what I was feeling, I had to take a look at many things in me. My kids have suffered greatly because of this situation. I believe that when part of the picture of the family is missing (whether in marriage or because of divorce) they will suffer and not get everything that they need. Boys especially need their father. I have learned that kids pick up on emotions and tensions in the house whether they are spoken or not, and they learn more by what they see than what they are told. So, I am not sure what kind of work you both have done to fix the relationship, but I would ask questions like Why did we get married?, Why is my husband ok with only seeing his kids once a week?, (I know that in this economy it can be hard to find a job, and there may be a pay cut with your husband changing jobs, but a family is worth it) What am I expecting or wanting from my husband/wife that is not their job to give me? I have also learned that marriage works better when two people come together to compliment each other not complete each other. These are the lessons that I have learned in my journey maybe they can be of some help to you.

It doesn't sound like a good idea to me. It would send mixed signals to the kids, be very confusing. Somewhere down the road, you WILL live separately, and then more time will have passed, and it will be even harder on the kids. And what happens when one of you meets someone else? If you are breaking up, make it a clean break. There are always other options. For example, you could rent your house out until it sells. Maybe you could get public assistance while you finish school. Do you and your husband still love each other? Have you really tried everything? Take your time, explore all your options, and most of all, put the well-being of your children 1st.

dear M.,

hi. no matter how crazy anyone else thinks you are, you guys do what u feel is the right thing for you both and the kids. i think it makes you both great people if you are able to work things out like you have mentioned.

i agree. divorce is hard enough on the adults, let alone the kids.

me and my ex stayed in the same house for about 7 months after he initially told me he wanted a divorce. partly due to the fact i wanted it that way, because i didn't expect the unexpected mention of divorce. i was in bad enough shape emotionally as it was, and if he would have moved straight out, i would have lost it completely.

and then, too, we had a 3 yr old. we took things very gradually, and i think because of that, it went alot smoother for her, too. and yes....people thought we were crazy!! people thought i was crazy, that's for sure. they couldn't believe i would let him stay in the house. (he had admitted to me after a while he was 'emotionally' involved with someone, but that didn't come out for awhile.) the way we handled things though, were the best for us, and the best for our little one. we still remain on good terms. after what my first 4 went thru with their dad and our divorce, was all the more reason to make sure things didn't happen that way again with the second divorce. i applaud everyone who can put the kids before them no matter what it involves. for one, it teaches kids there doesn't have to be hostility, and resentment. there is enough of that already in this world.

take care, and best wishes.

C.

Can you have an "open marriage" for a while and see what comes of it? Maybe you'll find your ways back to each other.

I have a friend who got pregnant by her boyfriend and they didn't really have a future but they live together as their son's parents for now. It works for them.

Hi. My Husband (soon to be ex) and I are doing the same thing and it does work for us. We are civil and kind and focused on our children. We have heard it called bird nesting. We only have one nest though. Good Luck.

I know a couple who did this. I don't know all the details about their situation, but it worked for them. They recently remarried each other too--after years of being divorced. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. But be sure you know how divorcing would help your situation, if you continue to live together anyway.

I've been in a relationship similar to that. The thing is, is that its wrong to still depend on him to pay on the bills. (I'm not trying to make it sound bad). But at the same time if he's okay with you doing it..than go for it. If he's not home most of the time stay there. It really couldn't hurt. And when he comes home, if you have a friend to go stay at so he can be with the kids his day, than head back home when he's ready to leave.
My sisters mother-in-law was engaged to a trucker. They never got married, they perferred to state that they were involved or engaged rather than actually do so. They were pretty serious, yet had difficult times because he was gone all the time. Yet she says that it was really good for their relationship because they never really had time to fight. I guess some people like a relationship to be distant, and as for me, I perfer it to be strong and there. We're you can see each other almost all the time. If their in it for the money, and neither care if the other is using you for which ever...money, house, sex, just so they have what ever...so be it! Whom I to judge or say a thing. I believe that you should stay at the house, continue to go to school, but get yourself a part time job, just in case he decides that he's not gonna spend any money for the house or anything. Good Luck!

Hi M.,
I almost hate to respond because I have no advice, honestly. I just wanted to applaud both you and your husband for the lengths you are going to to make things best for your kids. I know so many couples who put their own needs first in situations like yours and the kids are just destroyed. You must be an incredible mother!!!!!
I do want to add that if you do get a divorce you can get government assistance since you will be a "single mother" even if you live in the same house with your ex husband.

If you are going to be living together, might as well stay married until you can get out on your own. What would it help to be divorced if you are still living in the same house? You will still be in contact as usual and the fighting will be the same.
If you are set on divorce now, you need a fulltime job. You have to make the choice.

If you will continue to live in the same house for now, what bennefit is getting a divorce? What advantages are you seeing? The way I see it, you will still be in each other's living area, thus a potential arguement could break out any time he is home. The only change I see is that you will likely no longer share the same bed and you will be poorer after the divorce. Why not invest the money you'd spend on the divorce on a good (and I recommend, Christian) marriage counselor and see if that will work. With husband only home 36 hours per week, it doesn't seem that there is too much time for fighting. After all, you need to sleep sometime too in that 36 hours. Your babies are important! Make this marriage work for them. Love is a choice and marriage is a commitment. Find a marriage counselor and choose to make this work, if not for your own happiness, then for the happiness of your little boys. No, making a marriage work is not always easy, sometimes it is very hard, but it is worth it. M., my prayers are with you. Prayer works miracles!

A bit about me: I'm a mom to 2 incredible young men ages 25 and 27. I have been married to their dad, my best friend, for 30 years. There have been rough spots when I questioned our marriage, but we decided before we married that divorce was not an option. We have chosen to work at it to make it good. Today we have a very good, maybe great, marriage. But it takes 3! Without God being an important part, the center of our marriage, we would not have made it this far. We pray together daily. I am so blessed!

I don't think this sounds normal for the kids. Many kids get used to being in a divorced family. My son was 18 months when I divorced and he has adjusted well (he is almost 10 yrs now). If they are young, then moving to Colorado with your parents and only visitng their father once or twice a year will be something they get used to. You both will have to make the best effort for the kids, use a webcam and have them chat online to their dad. People do it with family that is deployed overseas.

And what about you, what about dating and taking care of yourself. If you both are fighting now, it more than likely will continue. Have you tried counseling?

Ultimately, you guys have to do what works for you. If that means living under the same roof, but divorced, then so be it.

I'm concerned, because most kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. So, even though getting divorced, is that really going to change the relationship between you and him enough that you won't fight, be bitter, or angry around the kids? If you guys think you can keep things under control, then great, by all means - give it a go. But if nothing changes, be open to the idea of adjusting the game plan somehow so that both of you aren't in the same house at the same time or something.

Whatever ends up happening, make sure the kids (well, at least your 3 year old) know whatever's going on between you and your spouse has nothing to do with them.

Good luck!

The best thing for your kids is for you to work on your marriage and stay together. Get some marital counseling from a local Bible believing church. With God's help, you can make your marriage work again. It wouldn't be right for you to live as "roommates" after being divorced anyways, it sounds a Lot easier to work on your problems instead. hope it all works out!

my husband & i were in the same boat a couple of years ago. we took turns sleeping on the futon because we only had a 2 bedroom house & we didn't want our son to give up his room for one of us. it lasted about 3-4 weeks. during that time we had set a list of ground rules, like if one were to start dating they couldn't rbing their date home, it would be too confusing for small children to understand & with bigger kids they would start to feel resentment to that parent. i'm not sure what it was that caused us to fall back in love with each other, but like i said that was 2 years ago & even though we've had a couple bumps in the road i'm counting my stars & thanking God everyday that we didn't go through with it. what you said about the economy, from my perspective it doesn't look like it's going to get any better for quite some time. if i were in your shoes, i'd still it out being roommates & hoard every penny i could.good luck & if you need an ear, just drop me and email. take care & God be with you.

I personally have not experienced your situation, but while I was teaching had a family that did just this. The biggest thing is that you set ground rules. They didn't allow new "friends" of the opposite sex to come to the house. Focused their attention on the children while they were home...and of course had seperate rooms. The one thing that they did eventually end up doing once things settled a little was they rented a cheap apartment and would alternate weekends in the apartments as well. That way they weren't continuously "trapped" in the house together. This allowed them to have individual time with the children as well. Who ever had the children that weekend stayed at the house, the other stayed in the apartment and had freedom to do as they pleased for that weekend. Since your husband currently is not home much as it is once your divorced you could always see about staying with a friend or something on that line while he's at home spending quality time with the children or something. Whatever you choose to do whether its try and go this route or try and work things out in your marriage I wish you the best of luck!

Bravo for not yanking your children away from their father! Sometimes the unconventional is just what will work. I would make an extensive list of boundaries/plans/rules to help you both know how it will go- a contract, if you will. You must end the arguing however you can. I don't see how it would work if either of you are dating except to not allow that in the house. It is just too much to ask from each other to be completely honest about that part. A don't ask, don't tell policy is probably your best bet about dating, if there will be any. It is also a good idea to make a schedule that allows him to be alone with the kids for some of his down-time (You could study at the library or get a part-time job). I think it could work, but it needs to be carefully worked out and I do worry for you because you have the disadvantage financially, if this doesn't work. I wouldn't even try it unless he is 100% on board, but if he is, give it a shot. Best of luck to you.

If you are a jealous wife, I don't think it would be a good idea for you to live with you x. Cause you'll start seeing little things that will make you angry, and you'll just be fighting again in front of your kids.

As a child of parents who divorced.....I don't think living in the same house with him just so they see their dad is a great idea. Think long term...think what type of role model you want to set for you kids. Do you want to show them a mommy and daddy don't talk, love on each other, and interact? I'm not at all trying to be harsh or unkind...but just think possibly think more long term...and not just keep it together so the kids can see thier father. It would almost be better to be apart so they ( like i had to ) understand what relationships are all about. I still have struggles and relationship issues because of all that went through when my parents were together but seperated and then evenetually divorced. Pray about it. :)

Dear M.,

Divorces and dissolutions are not trivial. If you are thinking of sharing the house why not just do it without the paperwork? Give him a separate room and just be nice to each other when he is home. The more dad can be in the lives of the kids the better - even if it is only one day a week.

It also would be interesting to get some outside help to figure out what is causing the fights. Could be from a whole bunch of things but if you don't get help to break the code you will probably make the same mistake again next time. And if you do break the code you might find out that the father of your children is actually a keeper - after all, you are joined at the hip and will always be bouncing around together in the kid's lives. Remember what that expert on Marriage (Zsa Zsa Gabor - married 9 times) said - "I should have kept the first, they are all the same."

God Bless,

S.

If you can do it, more power to you. I am a FIRM believer in staying friends for the best of the kids. My ex and I battled for too many years. We are friends again, and that was the best thing we could do for our son. He is much happier, and does not try to play us against each other anymore. I think what you are considering is a great idea, just realize that it may not work out as easy as you think. It can happen though. At my family gatherings, we have not only my mom and dad who are divorced for more than 20 yrs, but my EX stepdad and her my current stepdad. Everyone gets along just fine!

M.-
Wow. First of all, my heart hurts for you that you are having to go through this. I know this is not what you had planned on when you got married. I also know exactly where you are coming from. My husband & I were very close to divorce about 6 months ago, but have seen the devestating results of his brother divorce on his daughter and we decided we were not going to go that road. We still argue and have tiffs, but once we decided to put our marriage first and our own personal wants second, things just got a bit better. We both realized we were both very selfish in what we expected & wanted. Once I got past the "ME" of it all, I started to see things a bit clearer. Also, I learned that when he is ticked off about something, I just need to let him walk away and deal with it and not pick at him to talk about it. I am not fighting back anymore and letting things drop, and I notice him doing that a bit more as well. We also notice a big difference in our daughter as well. she is only 2 1/2, but kids are smart, they know when things aren't quite right! Someone suggested the movie "Fireproof" and honestly, that movie saved our marriage. It started the wheels turning for us to realize both of our responsibilites in the failing of our marriage!
Goodluck!