Ok, this might sound more like a rant than a question, but there's is a question here I promise.
My 5 year old son is friends with a boy who is a year older and stays with his Grandmother a few days a week in our neighborhood. I let them play together quite often because there are no other kids in our neighborhood, and the boys like one another. Both Mom and Grandma of this boy are nice enough, but total tiger moms who drive me crazy sometimes with their comparisons of my son and endless suggestions on how I can improve him.
For example, my son is very tall and skinny and he isn't very coordinated. I know this. He's constantly growing and some day, his muscles will catch up with his height. Or they won't. Regardless, I concern myself with his health and happiness and forget the rest. To them, they worry he's not running very well (yeah, I know, he grew another inch over Christmas as is re-learning how to use his limbs, AGAIN!), he isn't very strong (yes, I know, he's really skinny, but I promise, I'm feeding him, can't you see he just grew another inch), have I considered gymnastics to help with coordination? (yes, and soccer, and skiing, and tennis) is he dehydrated? (what?, no) have I asked if he's having pain when urinating, do I know there's a pill he can take to help him stay dry at night, have I talked to my pediatrician? (uh, no, he pee's fine, he just isn't dry every night and still chooses to wear a pull-up because he's a deep sleeper, always has been, he's FIVE and the pediatrician said not to worry until he's six or seven at the earliest). All of these comments came at me in about 10 minutes, tag-teamed by Mom and Grandma in just one conversation. So yeah, it's annoying.
So far I've let things slide because I could keep a distance and manage our time together, and I honestly think they keep forgetting that my son is a year younger (AND that all children are different) but it turns out the mom is moving into our neighborhood so we'll be seeing each other a lot more, I suspect. And I think they might actually be moving closer BECAUSE we've become friendly as a family.
She's a single mom, so I'd like to support her as best I can but it's a bit intrusive. The Grandmother has even been fairly overt at asserting how she likes my husband involved with her grandson since he does not have a father figure. Ugh. I can't say I disagree, that they could use a community of friends for support, but the way they talk to me makes me angry sometimes. And they act like my son is "less than". They have even told their boy that he can "mentor" my son to help him get better at things -- biking, skiing, swimming, you name it, this six year old thinks he's golden and can "teach" my son how to do it.
What would you do? Say something before I get even more resentful, or look for new ways to get zen so I can better let things go and support them the best I can.
Thank you for the suggestions, it really helps!
Please know I don't give them fodder to talk about. The comments are unsolicited, for sure. They push their child to excel at everything and I believe they honestly feel they are helping me, it's just unwelcome.
They learned about the pull-up because my son had his first sleepover with this boy. And I think they must have been surprised about it because I don't know why they would have reacted with such concern. In fact, during that conversation, the only response I made was that the pediatrician said he wouldn't check about it until he was six and then monitor until he was seven before suggesting any intervention. The mom said, incredulously, "That's just a month away!" And I gently reminded her that my son is turning six in a month, not seven. The light went on and she said, "Oooh, that's right." So like I said, they clearly forget that my son is younger and with their competitive natures, they can't help but compare the kids and want to see both of them succeed.
My son is involved in other activities and has lots of friends from school and elsewhere in town. But it would be nice to have a friend in our neighborhood, so I'll do my best to set boundaries and ensure my son isn't affected by all of this. This is the only boy my son fights with during playdates, so I know he's pushing back when he's not happy or is tired of being told what to do. I'll have to do some role-playing with him to help with this. I also think that with this boy moving into the neighborhood, it's an opportune time to have a conversation with both of the boys that he's no longer a "guest" in our home, but a friend with responsibilities. Probably a conversation we should have had earlier, but was easier to ignore when we had the distance.
And thanks especially for the reminder to think about the root of my feelings regarding these comments. I need to think about this. I'm pretty confident in my parenting decisions so I think it's the assertions my son is less capable, or lacking in any way, that rears the mama bear in me. I'll have to give this serious thought to make sure I'm not worrying about this too.
Thanks everyone!
I would definately say something. My kids dad used to have a woman babysit them when I was at work. An old family friend. I learned very quickly that I had to be very firm with her or she would babble on about her concerns all day. I wasn't rude, just stopped her and explained that not only did I not share her worries, but I didn't feel it was healthy to voice any concerns near the kids.
I wouldn't be able to deal with two of them!
M.,
Why not use both approaches?
If you're going to be seeing these women regularly, you need to address this so your relationship with them doesn't become a source of resentment for you.
You can calmly, kindly say to them that your son has been checked by the pediatrician, that he's fine, and you're not interested in changing him or pushing him in any way. Then don't engage in any further discussion about it.
If they persist and still don't get it, you may need to be more direct using a neutral, non-defensive, but firm voice: "I know you're trying to be helpful, but the constant suggestions about Max make it seem like he's a project that needs improving rather than a 5 year-old boy who's learning and growing at his own pace. I'd prefer that these suggestions stop." No additional explaining or debating about it.
You might also want to look inside and see what specifically is so annoying to you about these comments. After all, they are just opinions. What meaning are you assigning to their opinions? Do you feel mom and grandma are challenging your competency as a parent? That they're suggesting you're not concerned enough? Not involved enough? That your child won't succeed if you don't do as they suggest? If you can be clear about the meaning you're ascribing to their opinions, you'll find it easier to distance yourself from the annoyance and focus instead on the confidence you feel in your own parenting choices. The more confident you are in your choices, the less annoyed and less affected you'll be by the opinion of others.
Hope that helps and wish you the best in dealing with this.
J. F.
While reading your posts I wondered how they have so much fodder. In talking with them do you tell them too much and do they feel you're looking for advice or suggestions?
If the boys genuinely like playing together could you invite the boy over without the parent/grandparents tagging along? That way the boys could still play without you having to fraternize with them.
When you do associate with them, talk about neutral subjects that don't center around your son. If they bring something up you could politely say that you weren't looking for advice as the pediatrician feels 'this' is normal for his age.
I'd be more afraid of them becoming clinging vines.
They seem to want to control you, your son and your husband and that's just more involvement than I'd be comfortable with.
Get your son involved with a group like Cub Scouts or a craft class or taekwondo so he can widen his social circle.
The other Mom will probably copy you so it's up to you to decide how much to tell them about what you're busy with.
Resist car pooling together or doing lot's of favors.
Personally I'd want some distance between my family and these people.
Their behavior/comments just would not make me comfortable being close friends with them.
Lot's of people are parents - and that gives you something in common - but just being a parent does not mean that these people have your/your family s best interest at heart.
Other parents are not necessarily your friends.
This usually becomes more noticeable in the middle school/high school stage.
Good luck.
I think Julie F. made some excellent points.
Things like his body shape/type and his coordination are observable. But how is it they know that he wears a pull-up at night? If your son said something to them or to the boy, that's one thing. But if you are divulging too much info, you might want to re-think that since these people are not going to be a source of support or friendship to you.
I think you can repeat (ad nauseum) that he's been checked by the pediatrician and his body will catch up on its own without intervention. Then change the subject. If your answer gets "old" and repetitive to them, maybe they'll stop. If they don't, you can say, "Perhaps you didn't hear me. I don't find this criticism helpful at all." Then leave.
If they are saying anything directly to your son, I think you absolutely must step in and put a stop to it. "Matilda, let me be very clear. I think it's nice when neighborhood children can play together rather than only be engaged in organized activities, but if this criticism and constant correction of my Billy continues, I'm going to stop the play dates because they are becoming detrimental to his well-being. He does not need to be bullied in the neighborhood and I will not tolerate it."
I'd let the mentoring thing go - if the other boy is a natural leader (or if he needs a boost at becoming one), that's not a terrible thing. But if he's constantly correcting your son and your son is no longer enjoying it, then you teach your son to speak up. If they are at your house, you can comment along the lines of "Gee Tommy, it's nice that you want to teach Billy how to do things your way, and I think it will be nice when you let him return the favor by showing you the many things he is good at, such as X and Y." If he keeps pushing, you can comment that sometimes pushing so hard just pushes friends away, and he might want to think about that. But this kid is the victim of his mother and grandmother, so don't think you can change him in 10 minutes in your home or yard. Just pity him. He's going to have a rude awakening when he's not as good at stuff as his mother and grandmother have led him to believe. And be thrilled that you are not this child's teacher - these are the kinds of adults who drive good people out of teaching!
If that doesn't work and if your son is not happy (that's the key), then enroll him in something else OR just set up play dates with other kids in his class. If the neighbors comment, you can say, "Yes, Matilda, my Billy he has a play date with a boy across town. They really get along great because their talents are in the same area. His friend Johnny is just so easy going and kind." Repeat ad nauseum.
Try to separate out what comes across as criticism of your parenting - annoying, but not your kid's fight - and what is just their annoying personality quirks which do not require your intervention. Sometimes you just have to smile, shake your head, and walk away. The good parenting plays out over time, and you'll see your child blossom in the future because of your willingness to accept him for who he is.
absolutely say something. but you can do that courteously and with warmth, and keep the friendship and all the positives.
you really can.
for me, if i let this go on and on i WOULD become resentful and the whole thing would become toxic. so do put the brakes on all the 'helpfulness', but do recognize that all the advice is coming from a good place, a place of truly liking your son (and you) and wanting you to benefit from all their *wisdom.*
so, shore up your shielding, and get your boundaries in place. once you're geared for battle, so to speak, plaster a smile on your face and even think 'smile!' when you talk to them, so that the positivity comes through.
'yes, marjorie, i HAVE discussed (issue du jour) with his pediatrician and he's fine. please don't concern yourself, we've got it under control.'
'kids grow at wacky rates, don't they? eat us out of house and home. i should have such a metabolism.'
'we can put off sleepovers until his body has matured enough that he's consistently dry at night if it's an issue for you. marjorie, i must insist that you don't discuss this with him. we and our doctor are confident that there's no problem and i really don't want you inadvertently making him feel as if there is. and please direct bluto to drop the subject too. much appreciated.'
'it's nice that bluto wants to help frank become better at skiing. i think it's best if the boys just go skiing together without anyone 'teaching' anyone else. frank's doing just fine, and wants a buddy, not a teacher, know what i mean?'
do respond, do keep it positive, and do keep your boundaries intact. if they continue to be intrusive, or it starts to bug your son that he's always cast as the orphan who needs help, you may have to be more assertive and less smiley.
but start off as cheerfully as you can.
this could work out great for everyone.
khairete
S.
One of the nice things about your kids getting older is you don't have to hang out with other parents you don't like that much anymore. But I did it a lot to facilitate playdates too. And I agree a friend in the neighborhood is nice to have. I've also found saying something to these types of people is a good thing. Next time they say something inappropriate, I think I'd say something like "You know, DS is a year younger than Jimmy and kids develop really differently. I'm sure you mean well but those types of comments so frequently are getting insulting so please stop. I'd really appreciate it." I'd say it sincerely and hopefully that'll put an end to it. I know it's awkward but take a deep breath and then try to have something distracting. Call out to your son about something or say you need to use the bathroom...
I have to say, I love how you want to protect your son. Words hurt. What if they say these things in front of him where he can hear? Yes, you should say something to them about it. Say it kindly. Say you enjoy their friendship, but something they do really bothers you. Then tell them to please stop saying negative things about your son. That it needs to stop now. People have different body shapes and there is nothing wrong with that. Kids develop at different levels and there is nothing wrong with that. And please stop comparing the two boys...it needs to stop now because it bothers me. Let's talk about something else, ok? Anyway...my brother and I were both extremely skinny, small kids. And people, neighbors, other kids, adults, strangers, even our aunts and uncles, would say things to us all the time. It always made me feel so bad. Your son sounds like an awesome kid...with a great mama.
If their comments are to your son or in front of him, then I would ask them to please refrain from comparing the children in front of each other. Every child is different and while you are happy the boys are friends, you would be very sad if the comments made it uncomfortable for them to hang out together. Your son only needs a friend, not another parent or a mentor and remember that your son does have parents who will take care of him and teach him things, thankyouverymuch.
I would also not give them info. I had an old boss who would comment on everything from the kids to my commute and I stopped talking to her about certain topics. If your son mentions something to his friend, that is one thing. But don't feed their need to compare. You can also say that this is not a topic up for discussion or debate. They do what they feel is right for their boy and you do what's right for yours.
It seems counter-intuitive but if they are pushy and imposing, then you can pull back from them. You can be friendly neighbors without being friends, and your boys will have their own relationship without any parents facilitating it in the next few years. Teach your son, too, to say that he's fine and doesn't want any instruction, thanks.
As for your DH, it's very nice that he interacts with the boy, but I would be wary of them trying to make him a surrogate father. Someone he can look up to, great! Role models are good! But I would not be sucked into their day to day business. For random example, if they push for their kid to go on a father-son camping trip and it's really something only for DH and your son. (I grew up without a dad in my life, so I understand that sometimes you don't get to do everything you would if you had a traditional family.)
Diane also offers some good direct tips to let them know when their behavior is over the line.
These people are WAY OUT OF CONTROL. This behavior is ridiculous. I don't know of any fiends in any of my kids classes or peer groups who would make such comments. These are the type of comments overbearing relatives wrongly make. Not neighborhood acquaintances.
Sounds to me like you want to be helpful to them and keep the friendship alive. But it will crumble in a hostile, hurtful way one day when the last straw falls. So if I were you I would SERIOUSLY say something keeping an "I" tense about everything.
Once my ex husband said something inappropriate about a friend's granddaughter's behavior. The kid IS super bratty, but it's wasn't my ex's place to say so. He actually said it to me, our son overheard, and told the girl (5 year olds, yay). Her grandma said to me, "I am not comfortable hearing negative things about her, and I don't want her hearing them either."
I had to respect that approach! She did not have to say anything, and she could have attacked. Of course I apologized and even said I thought my son was making it up to be mean (that child always tried to get his goat too, they were mutually combative).
You should smile, inhale, and with a kind and cheerful tone immediately following a comment about your son say, "I really like you guys and respect how you raise your son. I would never criticize him. I am not comfortable hearing negative comments about the size or abilities of my son. I know you mean it helpfully, but I am not comfortable with it." Tone is everything. If you say it pleasantly, they can't get mad. If they don't stop doing it, you bow out of the friendship gracefully because you tried, but they can't behave. It is nerve wracking to be assertive like that but so powerful too. You'll save them future anguish and win them more future friends if you can help them be less obnoxious.
Every time they criticize you son say, 'don't worry, I have it taken care of' or 'don't worry it's handled'. Keep diffusing them and hopefully they will knock it off.
If it continues tell them the boys can't play together any more because they are mean and spiteful and you don't want your son's poisoned by them.
See Julie F.'s response.
Wow. That's just crazy! I think you have to say something before you blow up at them. Now it's a matter of what to say. Probably something like, "I've got a great set of doctors who tell me X is progressing just fine for his age. Thank you for your concern, but we're not worried, so you shouldn't." I mean, what five-year-old is coordinated? I have five-year-old twins and even though they are identical, physically they are different. They are actually more coordinated than their 8-year-old brother in some ways. I'm not worried at all. The part about them offering to have their son mentor him is extremely annoying. You should probably talk to your son about how he feels about this boy and his visits as I think I'd be more worried that your son will start feeling like there is something wrong with him. It's more than a bit intrusive if you ask me - it's none of their business! You should probably at the very least cut down on the play dates before you lose it on them as I would!
Updated
Wow. That's just crazy! I think you have to say something before you blow up at them. Now it's a matter of what to say. Probably something like, "I've got a great set of doctors who tell me X is progressing just fine for his age. Thank you for your concern, but we're not worried, so you shouldn't." I mean, what five-year-old is coordinated? I have five-year-old twins and even though they are identical, physically they are different. They are actually more coordinated than their 8-year-old brother in some ways. I'm not worried at all. The part about them offering to have their son mentor him is extremely annoying. You should probably talk to your son about how he feels about this boy and his visits as I think I'd be more worried that your son will start feeling like there is something wrong with him. It's more than a bit intrusive if you ask me - it's none of their business! You should probably at the very least cut down on the play dates before you lose it on them as I would!
Updated
Wow. That's just crazy! I think you have to say something before you blow up at them. Now it's a matter of what to say. Probably something like, "I've got a great set of doctors who tell me X is progressing just fine for his age. Thank you for your concern, but we're not worried, so you shouldn't." I mean, what five-year-old is coordinated? I have five-year-old twins and even though they are identical, physically they are different. They are actually more coordinated than their 8-year-old brother in some ways. I'm not worried at all. The part about them offering to have their son mentor him is extremely annoying. You should probably talk to your son about how he feels about this boy and his visits as I think I'd be more worried that your son will start feeling like there is something wrong with him. It's more than a bit intrusive if you ask me - it's none of their business! You should probably at the very least cut down on the play dates before you lose it on them as I would!
I would probably be very polite and advise them that you have had him checked by his doctor and that all is well. I would also stop volunteering any information about my son's health (night time bed wetting or anything else). It is none of their business how your home functions.
Also I would find other kids his age and start doing play dates with them so that you are not always with this family. And I would definitely make it known that it is nice that you your husband is off limits to be a father figure to their son. It is hard not to have a dad but that is a choice that they/she made.
I wish you luck before you do explode as it will not be pretty and all of the pent us thoughts will pour out and the relationship will be over with many ill feelings and be beyond any type of repair.
the other S.
PS Go with your gutt feeling and do distance yourself from them.
They sound like people who will push boundaries, whether they are aware of it or not. I'd put up a firm boundary and distance myself.
When they make suggestions for your son - say "thanks - I'll think about that" and change the subject or leave the conversation.
When they try to glom on to your husband for their son/grandson - "thanks, my husband already has alot on his plate - he can't do it."
Just set your boundary and let them do what they're gonna do. Boundaries are for your benefit, not theirs. Their feelings/reactions about your boundaries are not your concern.
Your antenna are up for a good reason. Listen to your instincts.
