Should My Son Just Move On?

I would set up the play date if it was me. If she is a no show once again then move on. I would not be mad about the party, you have no idea why they missed.

Think of it this way, not everyone can "go through heck and back" to make it to a 5yo's birthday party. Your extra effort to get your son to the other boy's party is not a standard everyone can meet. I have cancelled plans just because I couldn't get out of bed because of my debilitating depression. I simply will not undergo the stress of trying to please everyone at the risk of putting myself under so much stress that I have to endure rapid mood cycling as a result. You don't know why they couldn't make it, and I encourage you to try to sympathize with whatever reason she gives you. She DID call to make alternative plans, and she DID call to tell you she wasn't going to make it. That's more than many people would do, so just take her at her word that she really couldn't make it and put this behind you.

Wow.

Move on. Let it go. The world does not revolve around your son. Please, please do yourself a favor and stop obsessing over the friendships of your kindergartener. The world will not spin off its axis if there's a missed play date or someone doesn't RSVP.

As a parent, your role is NOT to make sure your son is always happy. It's not. Your role is to raise him into adulthood with a full understanding that there are imperfect people in the world (including you, dad, and him), that there will be failure and disappointments that you aren't going to protect him from, and that he is capable of dealing with those failures and disappointments and imperfect people on his own, maybe with a LITTLE bit of guidance, and he'll be okay...even stronger...for doing so. Sorry for the run-on sentence, but I felt it necessary to make my point.

Anyhoo, when you snowplow every negative thing out of the way for your child, you are setting them up to be perpetually upset, disappointed....and spoiled.

So: Let this go, and stop obsessing about constantly having everything perfect for your son. Life is beautiful because it isn't perfect.

My first thought is that it is not your son who needs to move on, but you.

Friends at age 3, 4, 5, and 6, etc, will come and go. One minute they're best friends or planning to "get married" or inseparable, and the next minute they're on to the next thing, the next person. Very few children at the pre-school and kindergarten age actually comprehend what a best friend means. They want to be a ballerina one day, a truck driver the next day, then they want you to only call them Captain Hook, and the next day they've decided that they're a puppy and want their dinner on the floor. It doesn't mean they can't have friends, but the concept of "best" friend is too mature of a concept.

As we grow up, after the hurricanes that are our teen years, we learn what best friends mean. They're people we can trust, people who understand us, people who dare to challenge us to improve, people who make us better not weaker, people who trust us, people who are loyal. Those kinds of qualities really aren't feasible at the pre-school and kindergarten age.

Please don't take the words "best friend" seriously at this age. Instead, help your son enjoy being a child. Don't label his friends "best friends" or "girlfriends". Help him, over time, develop qualities that will enable him to be a real best friend when he's much older, like respect, politeness, kindness, empathy, trustworthiness, enjoyment of lots of different activities, acceptance of others regardless of differences, an appreciation for teamwork, etc.

It sounds like you really overdid it, trying desperately to get your son to this other kid's party, and that you have taken the fact that the kid didn't make it to your son's party personally. Please relax. The time to take things this seriously is when your son has agreed to take a girl to the high school prom but sees another girl and wants to cancel on the first girl and ask the second girl because she's cooler or prettier, or when he bails on his team for some irresponsible reason. Then you sit him down and remind him about honor and accountability.

It sounds like your son has a healthy amount of friends, but it also sounds like you are stressing.

i'm betting your son HAS moved on. or he would if his mom weren't so very, very stuck on it.
in the busy world of parenting these days, this wouldn't give me 2 seconds' pause. is your son actually 'so hurt'? if so, you (not the other mom) have created a problem. and i'd get to work on making sure my kid is strong, confident and resilient enough to handle life's disappointments.
khairete
S.

Please stop with the drama. Stuff comes up and kids miss parties. Its called life. Your son is 5. He will be ok. Taking BFF seriously at the age of 5 is silly and saying this and the other mother doesn't is drama. Stop.

Reach out and schedule a play date. If they bring a present, great. If not, then your little guy got to spend time with his buddy.

You need to stop investing all your energy into his your son's friendships. Friends come and go. Also, if you had to do that much juggling to attend a party, I would have skipped it.

Take a deep breath.

Your real question here is if YOU should move on.

Yes, most definitely!

Your son is only 5! My daughter is the same age, and everyone she meets is her "best friend".

I personally would never have moved mountains to make it to some kid's party. Stop worrying about everyone else. Think about yourself here. Is this worth all the upset?

Geez, they're five. Can't they just be friends? I hate the whole "best friend" thing at this age. I mean how much stake are you going to put in a relationship commitment from a little kid?

Of course meet at the park for your boy to receive his gift, assuming he wants to. I mean they bought him a gift, how nice. Keep it light and don't impose adult expectations on them. It really shouldn't have so much to do with how you feel.

You can't take "best" friendships between young children so seriously. They simply aren't capable of having such mature, long term relationships!
And you are going to NEED to grow a thicker skin mama. Your son will go through many, many besties in his life, you're barely at the beginning of the journey. And not every parent will be interested in pursuing friendships with you or your child, that's just life.
I suggest you pick up a book on child development, so you can learn about how children grow and what is reasonable to expect at any given age.
So yes, MOVE ON.

Five year olds will have a new best friend every week. I suggest YOU need to move on, not your son. It seems you're taking it much harder than he is.

You see your son being hurt by it, but is he? Sounds like he had a great birthday and has lots of other friends. Stop stressing about it. So not worth it.

If you feel compelled to keep investing energy in this friendship, do so. If it comes to the point it's not worth it, stop. But don't project your feelings onto your son. He's 5- he will forget about it in a day.

One last thought - I hope you're not this hard on your son, your current friends, and others in your circle. It really does seem you are harboring a lot of ill feelings over nothing. I would find it hard to live up to such a standard, as a lot of people would. Relax. High expectations is the #1 cause for disappointment.

I think the better title for the question is "should I move on?"

This is a mom thing. YOU need to let it go. If it becomes a pattern, then deal with that. But let go of the "I put a lot into this so you need to also" thing. It'll just mess up your head and color your SON'S relationships, which isn't good.

My answer will be blunt...sorry.

Most adults I know have 15 BFF's, so if a 5 year old changes their mind every day who cares? My kids have periods where they are good friends with kid A, and then kid B for the next period...it's mutual. I think you need to move on from this and not take offense. Things happen, she is still offering the gift. Honestly, you have no idea why they couldn't make it. It could be money, some one sick, family emergency, car emergency, etc...don't be so sensitive about it.

If you stay upset about it, all you are doing is keeping it in your son's mind. If your son wants to be friends with him, try to make that happen for him. If it doesn't work, it will fade out naturally.

Sorry MammaBunny but you are way, way, way too into the friendships of your 5 year old. This isn't serious stuff. Doing what you did to get your son to a birthday party was nice but kind of ridiculous. You can't expect others to go as overboard as you were willing to. No one should take the "best friend" stuff of 5 year olds seriously, because they're 5. They have pals. Some are more important than others, but in most cases, it's out of sight, out of mind.

I think you can use your (over)reaction as an opportunity to reflect on your own feelings and develop some healthy perspective. It sounds like your son had a nice party, one guest couldn't make it, it's really not a big deal.

Yes, you should bother & respond to the text to set up the playdate.
It's all for your son, not about you. (Not meant to sound offensive or curt just
to the point.)
It's all for your son. Sometimes people commit to things they are sure they
can do but end up not being able to do.
I would not let this get in the way of your friendship and/or your son's.
Give it another chance.
I have had to cancel playdates & have been so sorry. Nothing meant against
the child or mom....it just happened for one reason or another.
I hope you mend fences & give them another try. For you son....& for
yourself. Wishing you all the best in that way. :)

You seem heavily invested in your son's friendships. I would let him know something came up and they couldn't make it. Then if you plan a playdate with them again just don't mention it to your kid. He can be surprised when they show up at the location. Don't rely on others so much for your child. People are imperfect and they don't do what you did for this friends birthday.

People would have told the mom they were working out of town and that it's a busy day. Let's get together later and do his gift. Sorry we can't be there. And be done with it.

But you went overboard, in my opinion, in over doing it to get your son to the party. That was way beyond.

All kids meet a person at McDonald's play ground and they're instant best friends. Then 5 minutes later a new kid shows up and they have a new best friend. It's like that at this age.

He's going to have a thousand best friends by the time he's out of school. They come and they go. Investing as much effort as you did with the birthday thing seems too much investment in it for me.

I think everyone must have had a good time and the people not there were not even missed.

I'm sorry your son's friend could not come. I hate it when people let you know at the last minute about whether they are coming or not. But, in my opinion you should develop a thicker skin. This kind of thing happens all the time. It's no big deal. I don't think you should be so offended. Some people just get busy and have other things going on and it just doesn't work out. Just enjoy the people that do come to the party. But don't let the no shows offend you...believe me, it will happen again and again in life.

Sounds like your son was not phased by this. It's more your issue. Only you can decide.

Your son will follow your lead on how to handle social speed bumps. If you are upset, he will be upset. If you keep score, he will learn to keep score. If you try to "make everything perfect" then you'll doom the both of you to disappointment.

90% of your post was about you and your feelings. Your son being hurt was only a passing phrase near the end. It's possible that any hurt on his part could have been avoided or smoothed over.

Did you talk up the party, about who was coming and build it up into this big thing? It sucks that they canceled, truely. I'm annoyed by last minute cancels too. But can you see how it could have been less of an issue had you handled it differently on your end?

Set up the playdate with the kid at a time where you don't have to hoop-jump to make it happen. Once you have a playdate scheduled, mention it casually, "If things work out, you and Billy might get to play on Sunday." If it happens, great! If it doesn't, he has already been forewarned in a no-drama way.

Try to change how you handle social situations in general, not just for this one kid. Be less intense and try to not get so emotionally involved. Remember that when you do choose to do something that makes your life harder (like that 3-city party circus) it's about You and no one else. It would have been a lot more reasonable to tell your son No to that party and he'd only have been temporarily disappointed.

Sure you should bother. What's wrong with exchanging a gift at a play date? Your son will be thrilled, it will be like a second birthday. Be flexible, and try not to get hurt over little things. This is a blip in your son's life, and he won't care at all, unless you make a big deal about it.

He has made a few new good friends. How many friends does a 5 year old need? A kid and mom not coming to your son's birthday party should not "stick" with you. You are going to have way more serious issues to deal with before you are done raising you son.

It's time to become a lot less sensitive and lighten up, mom.

At five, every friend is a best friend.

The fact that YOU drove yourself crazy getting everyone everywhere for a child's birthday party that was the same day as a major work deadline doesn't obligate her to go to that level of inconvenience in return.
She doesn't owe you an explanation of WHY she had to change plans. It may have been very personal and not something she wanted to share.
Schedule the play date or don't. If you're that worried that she will flake, don't tell your son about it until it's time to walk out the door.

Don't get me wrong I GET IT. I hate cryptic last minute cancellations from people when I suspect they were not going to come all along. I'm not saying the behavior was not annoying and possibly a red flag of what's to come. But it's important to remain powerful and positive up until the moment a person finally deserves no more chances. And then you move on, you don't stay angry.

In perspective: The fact that one person didn't RSVP and also didn't come, but wanted to meet at a different time to exchange a gift: Is an EXCELLENT response to your party invites. And it sounds like you had an excellent party. Your son is 5. My 7 year old hasn't even had a party yet because he didn't have enough real friends to make the effort. He'll have his first one this year. He has one "best friend" who is super casual and just the kid he hangs with at the bus stop! I've had no contact with the dad beyond waving. He'll round up a few other classmates hopefully, but I don't expect many RSVPS or anything based on other parties around here..

You went to a huge sacrifice for the other kid's party. And I get it you feel entitled to similar effort. But that was not necessary on your end. You would have been well within your rights to not make it and it would not have hurt your son or the other child in any way. This lady had other things to do and couldn't make it to your party in her opinion. Probably not as MANY things as you overcame, but she's not you. And your son is not hurt in any way.

He'll enjoy the play date if it happens. He'll enjoy the friendship just how it lives. You're taking your five-year-old's best friendship much more seriously than many other people would. That's OK, but you will be disappointed by those people.

Here are you choices: Forgive and forget-actually not forgive, nothing wrong was done to you. I know it feels like it to you, I've had friends miss important events of mine and felt they should have attended knowing how hard I worked on art shows and stuff, and it took maturity and growth for me to understand that's what adulthood is: People are busy, independent, and they can do whatever they want. The same freedom applies to everyone.

You can be bitter when people don't act as you would like them to, or you can be fine with it. Your choice. Of course if someone is really selfish consistently you adjust for that and dismiss them. But holding grudges is always 100% your choice. I'm harboring a grudge or two myself. My choice.

So anyway one option is to happily accept the play date and move on because the birthday party was successful and it's in the past, continue being friends with them, and keep healthier boundaries for yourself going forward.

Or you can decline the invite and phase these people out. Get new friends who treat you the way you expect to be treated. Tolerate nothing less.

But holding on to anger is only hurting you and it's teaching your son to focus on negativity and to be unforgiving.

You are already predicting broken playdates and "hurt" for your son with these people. I can't relate as I've only ever been relieved when plans get canceled, not hurt, and my kids are bummed out for a minute and then they're excited for next fun thing down the pike... But maybe you should choose the second option if you're so angry with what happened here. It will happen again. This other mom does not have your priorities and beliefs.

I have not read the other replies but I can tell you that it is you that needs to move on not your son. You need to make the play dates if you want and don't mention the friend being there at all Bring him to the park, pizza place, playground etc. if the friend is there great if not then no hurt feelings. and if the mom flakes more than once or twice I would just drop it altogether.

There are many reasons that people cancel things. so give it a chance but you need to step way back and let your son navigate his friends himself. Don't get hurt when kids do or don't choose to be your definition of a good friend. after all its his friend not yours.

separate note not all parents call to ask what your child would like as a gift. so let that go

Goodness gracious - mountain out of molehill here. They missed one get together and you are projecting that into a future "string of missed playdates with your son being so hurt"? Sometimes life is unpredictable. Don't take it so personally.

I can see it doesn't take much for you to throw in the towel. I don't think missing your son's party is that big of a deal and she doesn't have to explain herself to you or anyone else. She was considerate enough to text and say they wouldn't be there. Life does happen and all things are not planned. And I wouldn't take the "best friend" thing so seriously. With kids, especially younger ones, best friends change with the wind.

I get how if there was a small number attending how one less would concern you. Especially if your son thought he was coming having just seen him.

But you don't mention your son's reaction to the no-show here, so hopefully he wasn't too phased by it. I think kids are just excited by the cake, gifts, fun, kids who do make it - to worry about these things. I think it bothers us moms far more.

As for how close they are, how much effort do you make - you make as much effort as you feel like making (as a mom). This other mom might not want do go to the bother so much. She may be a flake. Or something may genuinely have come up (sick child, emergency, etc.). Talking to her on the phone may help you gage more accurately if she was blowing this off as not important or if she was honestly sorry she couldn't make it.

I would start there before deciding whether or not to bother with this family and child. Try not to make make assumptions or jump to conclusions. And I wouldn't worry too much about what will happen down the road. Her not asking about gift ideas is very common - I don't get asked most of the time.

As others have mentioned - don't worry about the 'best' friend part. He's just a boy your child has played with and likes. When school starts, he'll make even more school friends (it's all about the here and now for kids that age). The bonding and sentiment tend to come later.

So if the other mom makes the effort to see you to give gift and it works for you - I would see her. If it's awkward or you already have plans, I wouldn't go to any great lengths. These things should be easy and fairly convenient - if not, just let it go.

Good luck :)

Agree with E.. You may be over thinking this. If she reaches out then get together but keep your son busy with activities, school and neighborhood friends and don't worry so much.

Focus on the friends that came. Suggest a meeting/playdate if something fits your schedule, or suggest she mail it, or just consider it a wash. I wouldn't mention anything to him specifically about them missing his party. He had a good day. A cousin didn't come to DD's party though they said they would. I let it go b/c the kid isn't responsible for the schedule at that age. Maybe the boys would be/are good friends, but until they can drive themselves, they are at the mercy of everyone else. You were able to make it work for her son. She wasn't able to make it work for yours. Try not to read too much into it and compare apples to apples here. I'd actually feel for the kid and invite them to things where it would be nice if they came, but not dire if they don't. If specific playdates hurt your son (vs you being hurt for him) then say, "Well, to be honest, it really hurt my son's feelings when you couldn't make x playdate..." and see what she says. I sounds like she's trying to make up for it, and sometimes stuff happens. Not everything is granted a detailed explanation. I would actually rather get that then "whoops, we forgot" and then go on to say what other fun thing they did instead, like what I got from the cousin's mom. Sometimes less is more.

"When people show you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou.

If you've gone months with no contact, this is not your child's best friend. Five year olds don't have best friends anyway - or if they do, they have a different one every 2 weeks. So I wouldn't take the "best friend" destination seriously at all.

The only thing in your post I disagree with is that she should have texted you to find out what your child wants for a gift. I don't believe in that. If someone really wants some suggestions, fine. But a birthday party is not a gift grab and so there's no point in making it like a wedding gift registry (which I have a big enough problem with anyway - at least when the list comes in the invitation envelope). A gift is something you pick out for a friend, using your best judgment - if someone wants to get some advice, fine. But the recipient or the recipient's parent can't request things.

That tidbit aside, here's what I would take very seriously: the fact is, she isn't' interested in things like RSVPs and a host's expenditures for food and favors and so on, or the idea that another child wasn't invited because you saved a space for her son.

So have your son focus on the friends who are nearby and easy to coordinate with logistically even if the other parent of this one boy was cooperative - which she isn't. Stop referring to him as a "best friend" and talk about all the special friends your son has - far away friends, school friends, neighborhood friends, cousin friends, church friends, whatever. You can never have too many friends. It is absolutely not necessary, and not even advisable, for young children to align themselves with just one special person, especially when that person lives far away. Treat the other boy like a pen pal and have the boys write letters now and then - good practice as they learn to write - but for now you can do some "fill in the blank" types of stationery that you make yourself. If the other kid responds, great. If he doesn't, so be it. Don't discuss the lack of a response with your son - occupy him with local and easy-to-manage activities, from neighborhood pick-up games to local play dates.

If the other mom wants a play date, set it up at her house (where she cannot decline) and DO NOT tell your son about it until the day before so that, if she cancels, he won't know about it. In fact, don't tell him about ANY play dates unless and until you have confirmation that she and her child are in the car and within a mile of your house. If she bails on one more date, then let her know you don't think it's going to work out because so many cancellations are hurtful. And be done with it.

Sometimes our kids move on more easily than we do. But it's a good exercise for you because your child will have many more friendships, and when he's 11 he will start with the "girlfriend" thing - you just can't take it seriously because the kids sometimes go "all in" for a few weeks and then break up. You need to be the port in the storm, not the navigator on these things.

Good luck!

I think you may be overreacting here. Stuff happens and you owe it to your son to not let your feelings get in the way of his friendship. It's not like she blew you off completely. You don't know what's gong on in her life - she could have a sick relative, overwhelmed at work, etc. and she just couldn't let you know earlier that she couldn't make it. Set up the playdate!

I would move on.. Also, the whole play date thing bothers me.. when I was a kid, we just went outside and played or did so in the house..
too much planning makes for too much disappointment..
do this.. next time, if you have a party.. invite her (if you like) but do it without ANY expectations... don't expect for her to come... then if she doesn't, no disappointment... you are putting too much energy into this young friendship.. friends come and go.. kids are more resilient than we think.. it's the parents feelings who get hurt more than the kids..
let it go.. respond if it feels right.. attend a function if it feels right.. it not.. don't go... and let it go..
don't overthink it. you ll go crazy..

If you think the mom is typically a flake, move on now. Your son is 5 and will easily get over it. I know how you feel. I take these things seriously too but if she doesn't, way better to end it now while your son is so young.

If you don't bring it up, your son will forget about it fairly quickly.
If a kid can't make it to a party it's kind of unusual for them to get and send a gift.
Just let the whole thing go and let everyone forget about it.

Only you know if there is a connection or bond there.

My daughter misses one of her besties birthday just about every year. It is in December and the party is usually while she has a show. We meet at other times of the year and I treat. It is no big deal to the mom (but that's her).

Last year we drove in from being out of state and pulled right into the church for my daughter's friends event. She was so glad to see that she made it and so was the family.

Everyone has different values and priorities. If your values are based on friends don't do that to friends, then you may want to move on.

I'm laughing that your son has "old" friends and he's five. You are going to drive yourself crazy if you get this involved and hurt over a 5-year-old's friends and their parents.

Shrug your shoulders, make a date to play and let the anger and upset go already. Your son will have a bunch of best friends throughout his life, possibly even throughout each month or year. You can't micro manage it and you can't get so upset because you will make yourself crazy.