Discipline for a 19-Year-old Girl Living at Home

What options do you have with an adult child? IMHO only one: TOUGH LOVE.

I would advise her that she's got 30 days to make alternate living arrangements. All of this would come with deep love and respect, but it would come nonetheless. Adults don't go around making other adults' lives extremely unpleasant without consequences.

It's time for some boundaries with her. Better now than later, when these problems could get even bigger. In other words, it is in HER best interests to learn these lessons as soon as possible. She needs to take control of her own life.

I might also talk to a counselor so that I could get all my negative feelings out with a neutral person, instead of my child. That way you can be calm and logical with her.

Good luck - my heart goes out to you.

I was 19 not too long ago and have been in some rather childish and immature relationships. My parents did not put up with that kind of behavior at all. After the first couple of fights I was told in no uncertain terms that if I was to continue behaving like a spoiled brat when I got upset then I could find myself new living arrangements. Furthermore when I was home I was expected to be studying or doing chores. Since I was still living at home I was expected to abide by the rules and that was I had to keep grades up, continue working complete chores, attend church and sIpend at least one night at home with the family. I suggest you try the tough love approach with her too. Under no circumstances do you bring up the fact that these rules are because of the way she acts with her boyfriend. That will only drive her to him. While you are having that conversation with her I suggest also saying that there is no more acting childish(again don't mention him) and if she is going to scream,yell and throw tantrums she had better find a new place. Draw up a room mate agreement with your new requirements and you both sign them. And above all-stick to your guns! Teenagers know when you aren't serious. the reason she acgts childish is because she can so now you need to make it unpleasant to be childish.

She is legally an adult so you can tell her that as long as she is living under your roof she will have to abide by your rules or move out. I understand she is your daughter and you don't approve of this guy, but it is her decision to stay with him. Sometimes young adults and teens have to learn things the hard way. I also want to add that if you treat her like a child she will continue to act like one.

Part of this is her immaturity. The other part is she is in denial about this relationship, the last part is she sounds depressed.

You do know depression is not an excuse, it is a chemical imbalance in her brain. It is physical and needs to be addressed. When was the last time she had a full physical? I suggest she go to her doctor, get a physical and explain how depressed she is.. The aggression is a sign, the staying in her room is a sign and not being able to deal is a sign..

The more you try to "encourage her" to forget this guy, the more she will cling to him..

You need to have a sit down with your daughter and let her know you are "concerned about her". That she seems to be so unhappy and frustrated.
Ask her what is going on?..

Once she starts sharing.. explain that she is no longer a child. That her emotions are real, but as adults we sometimes have to step back and look at our lives in total. The plans we have, our living conditions, and the people that we depend on. Ask her how can you help her.

Remind her she is in college. She should try to place her energy into this. To start enjoying her time there. Ask her how you can help with this.

You also need to acknowledge the energy and length of time she has spent on this relationship, but that you are concerned because she seems so frustrated and unhappy. Ask how you can help with this.

Maybe suggest she make a list of the positive things about this relationship and the not so positive.. you can discuss it and then you need to think of at least 1 positive she has not included and THEN you can add to the not positive side of this..

THEN you can let her know what YOU need. You need her to quit taking her emotions out on the family. You need her to allow your home to be a calm place without all of the drama. Ask her to please try not to scream when she is frustrated or angry. It makes you feel uncomfortable or whatever words you want to use.. Do not use the words childish, do not dismiss her feelings for this guy, be very careful about not acknowledging her needs.

Becoming an adult, means we quit just thinking about ourselves. We want those around us to be happy. It makes us happy.

She should not need anyone else for her to be happy. She should be happy just with herself, before she can share that feeling with another person.

Try to convey this to her.

One more thing.. She is not a "girl", she is now a young lady or young woman..

Sounds like she is stuck in high school. First loves are hard to let go. They hurt like hell when you're not together, you can't understand what you did wrong...but sometimes there is no other way to be then to be separate. Just like surgery some people handle the pain and the healing better and more quietly than others.

I agree that it would be healthier for her to move on from the relationship permanantly. Not to a new relationship, but to no relationship, for now. She needs to find out who she is without him. Being with someone that loves you is about being you while you are with that person, not being on edge and fake because the next thing you say or do may cause a fight. That's not being real. That's faking it. She needs to find her worth. What she has to offer life, the world. Find what makes her happy in her 'me' time.

She's in college, is it possible for her to move into the dorms next semester so that she is around more kids her age? Possibly rent an apartment with a few girl friends?

Does she have any artistic interests or hobbies? Perhaps getting into inter-mural activities at the college would help.

At this point in her life, IMO, its all or nothing. You can tell her to live by your guidelines or she can move out. I don't think you can or should discipline a 19yr old. Only you and your husband can decide how far you're willing to go with this.

Why is she allowed to date him and live in your home? My kids are too young for this, but I don't get it. Of course teens can be difficult, but she needs to grow up in general. If she can't handle havig a boyfriend, then she needs to not be with him at all. If my daughter was acting like that, I like to think I would forbid the relationship and if she wanted to be with him that bad she would find somewhere else to live. It's not fair to the rest of the family. Good luck.

When I fall in love, I fall hard. It sounds like your daughter does the same.

I would tell her you love her and give her a big, big hug at every opportunity. And tell her if she wants to talk about it you will listen and keep your opinions to yourself unless she wants some guidence. This will help her get over it if she will. I lost my love and it took years and years for me to get beyond it.

Be patient and loving. Give her hugs and tell her you love her during calm times and hard times. If you only do it when she is having a hard time it won't work near as well. Some times we just need someone to tell us we are loved and feel the warmth of a good hug.

Good luck to you and yours.

I feel for you. I have a 20 year old daughter that I have gone through this with. Not to the extent of what ya'll are having to deal with but similiar. It's extremely frustrating as a parent because your hands are basically tied so to speak. The more you protest the relationship, the more she will cling to him. Reasoning with them, doesn't work. At this age they can't see past their own noses. Sounds like a rollercoaster of a ride for them. Until she gets tired of the ride, there's nothing you can do about the relationship. But you do have the right to create rules and enforce them in your home. Such as this behavior from her will not be tolerated. She is technically an adult now. If she wants to be treated as an adult, she needs to act like one. You can talk to her saying, "I understand that you are going through a hard time right now with _____ but you need to control how you behave here at home with us. We do not appreciate you taking out your anger and frustration out on us. You live under our roof and while you do, there are certain things that you need to respect. I will talk to you as an adult as long as you treat us with the same respect." Maybe set some boundaries for her. Maybe get her involved as much as you can in other activities to use her free time so it's not spent with him. Maybe counseling? But again, it will be very hard to get her to agree to that. It may get to the point where you have to warn her that if she doesn't straighten up her behavior at home, that she may have to find somewhere else to live. You have the right to peace. While that would be very hard to do, you may come to the point where you don't have a choice. Sometimes the only way they will learn is if they have to do everything on their own. My daughter has had to and she's a better and stronger person for it. She herself finally got out of a bad relationship. One that I wanted her to get out of for a long time but there was nothing I could say or do to get her to do it. She had to come to that decision on her own. Kids at this age are stubborn, they think they know it all, the world is no bigger than their own little circle and they will not listen to anything that is contrary to what they want to hear. You have to realize their brains aren't fully mature yet. The last things to completely finish growing is logic and reasoning and that isn't done until around their mid 20's. That is why you can't reason with them. That and because they don't have the life experiences we have yet to know what they are doing isn't good. So what can you do as a parent? Listen, be there to pick up the pieces, set boundaries, love her and just hope for the best. Teens and young adults are the hardest ones to parent. Good luck and hang in there mom. It will get better. :)

Wow that is tough. I wonder if maybe it is time for her to move out....maybe get an apartment (hopefully with female roommates instead of the boyfriend).
Thinking back to when I lived at home during college....my parents wouldn't have tolerated that kind of thing (screaming and crying, and particularly, yelling at them). My dad would have chewed me out and just made things so uncomfortable I would have moved out.
In fact, that's basically what happened anyway....I eventually moved out because it became clear that I needed my own privacy and space to live my own life, just like my parents did (I walked in on them arguing a couple of times which was VERY uncomfortable).
Maybe I am totally off base but it sounds like that is kind of what is happening here???
I would make it clear to her what standards you expect if she is going to continue living with you (no screaming, yelling at you, she must respect your requests for quiet in the home, and no spending every single minute with the bf, she needs to spend some time with family too) and - this is the key - don't back down. She will eventually decide on her own whether she wants to continue living at home, or not.
And if she does move out, that could be a GREAT growing experience. Even if it doesn't make the most sense financially.

B.,

Here's my suggestion. I was with a guy that totally changed who I was. My family hated him, he was verbally abusive, just an awful awful person. However, he wasn't like that always. He just showed his true colors after we were together for a while. You know what finally made me open my eyes? My best friend told me she didn't like the person I'd become. It wasn't my parents it was my friends that really made me see the light. I had two friends even set me up on a blind date...while I was engaged to the other guy! LOL they just showed up one night with this guy in tow...I was mad at the time, but it's super funny now.

The funniest thing about the situation is that my friends were saying the exact same thing as my folks, but it was my friends I listened to. Can you enlist the help of some of them? Does she have a best friend that you can talk to? Chances are they have the same concerns you do. Good luck and I hope she finally sees the light like I did!

get her and you some books about abusive relationships. even if its just verbal abusive it usually ends up in abusive situations over time. these books can help people see red flags. i am not saying its a physically abusive relationship but perhaps it looks to me like it is verbal. i am sure there are more books about how to handle relaitonships. did she ever treat her friends like this growing up? like is it normal for her to bicker or yell at a best friend? for me it was not. she is in an unhealthy relationship and needs some guidelines on spotting that and how to prevent it from happening again. relationships should not be so overhwlming or unenjoyable.

I know it's hard to let a child like this go out into the world knowing things are not 'good' with her and the boyfriend but sometimes it's the best way. It will hurt you and who knows what else she will do but it is what she needs to learn to be responsible or learn the hard way since she isn't learning the right way from you. She's really using you since she's not there except when she needs something. She's not respecting you at all and your other children will follow in her footsteps if you let this continue. They won't respect you either. You may feel awful if you do this but in the end you will be glad you did, for your sakes and for her too. I do hope someone can reach her to help her face that this is a dangerous situation and not love.

Yelling, screaming and crying are not very adult sounding. What year of college is she in?

First of all, there are house rules and she is definitely not abiding by them. No one should stress out the family. No one should disrespect the family and "expect" them to be there when really needed -- it's a two way street. It is time for tough love. Set rules and if she doesn't like it -- hit the bricks. Don't feel bad; feel relieved that she is on her own and doing what she wants where she wants out of your house. It will hurt like hell but she is not 3. You cannot control another person. There is a reason mother birds push their young out of the nest. Peace and quiet!

I wish you luck but she is 19 and an adult as the law says. Sometimes it takes life lessons to learn what is goo and what is bad and what you want.

The other S.

PS If I had ever screamed or yelled at any family members growing up even at 19 I would have found myself getting up off the floor and not knowing how I got down there. Times sure have changed.