Young Girls Dating

Shut that down! What does a 26 year old man want with an 18 year old? SEX and that is it. He's a perv and you need to have the police talk to him. I have an 18 year old daughter. It's difficult to reason with them as they are so emotional. Talk about the consequences of a relationship like this. Give her the real truth of the details of a relationship with a man like this. Sneaking out is a separate issue with trust.
UGH-this guy is a loser!
Good luck

I would have a conversation with her that while you understand that she is legally an adult and respect that, you expect her to recognize that she is a young adult who is not completely independent yet. Explain that just as if she was your own child (as you treat her) she does have rules since she lives in your home. Those rules should include respect, common courtesy of curfew or at least knowledge of comings and goings (whatever you agree on), safety precautions, and honesty...and whatever else you feel is appropriate. No sneaking out because that leaves the home unsecure (and you have other children in your home) and causes unnecessary worry for you. If she wants to be treated like an adult she should be prepared to act like one...adults don't sneak out.

your home your rules. You tell her your expectations, whatever they are, & if she doesn't abide by them she is free to leave.

i personally think she took took your generosity too far & i couldn't tolerate this myself especially in front of my own children

Also I do NOT believe that just because a kid turns 18 means that they have the right to sleep at their boyfriend/girlfriends house. If they want to sleep over there they should move out & play house somewhere else, but not under my roof. I believe when these principals are adhered to a child will have better morals.

At 18, she can legally date whomever she wants, with or without your consent.
I would suggest letting her know that you won't try to stop her from seeing him, you just want to meet him.

Even after I was an adult, I was not welcome to behave in certain ways while I was living in my parents house out of respect for them.

When 18yos try to assert that they are adults who now get to do "whatever they want", I remind them that adults have jobs, pay their own bills, and have their own place. They've earned the right to live their lives independently and make their own choices. You may not mooch off of others and them proceed to disrespect their home and feelings. I really think it contributes to the rampant sense of entitlement among young people today.

If the 18yo is ready for this, give her your blessing and encourage her toward adulthood. You don't need any more nights like that!!

!

An 18 year old is legally an adult and technically doesn't need your permission to do anything. However, since she lives in your home she should be respectful of you. I'm sure it was very distressing to wake up and find her missing!
My son is also 18 and no longer has a curfew. However he always tells me where he's going and when he will be back, and he lets me know if his plans change. I believe him because he's never given me any reason not to. I'm not saying he's an angel (ha!) but I treat him like an adult because that's how I expect him to behave. He's working full time right now and will be going to college in another state next month.
As long as your daughter is a respectful, responsible young woman I'm sure the two of you can come to some kind of agreement about what you will tolerate. As far as the dating thing goes, again, that is tough because she is legally an adult and could date a man of ANY age if she really wanted to. Share your concerns, but don't drive her away by expecting her to agree with everything you say. It's time for her to make choices and take risks. As hard as it is we can't protect them forever!

While she is technically an adult at 18, can legally make her own decisions, enter into contracts and get married, if she's in your home and you expect her to follow your rules, which is fair, then sit her down and tell her so. Be prepared to have a consequence (are you ready to send her packing?) or she will continue to do as she pleases.

Also, the police typically will not take a missing person's report for at least 24 hours on an adult, and if they do and ascertain the person is safe they're done. I'm glad they called her, for your sake, but it was out of the norm.

Since the man is several years older than her I would play up the age difference and ask her if she's prepared to deal with things he may want her to participate in, i.e., drinking, drugs and sex. But as an 18 year old remember it's her choice to spend time with him or not.

My next door neighbor recently had to put out her granddaughter, 17, who was living with them while she attends college (she graduated from high school early.) She was leaving for days at a time with her boyfriend, not going to school regularly, trashing her room, and stealing from them. Her parents were giving her $800 a month and she was expected to give her grandparents $500 of it for room and board and she never did in a year's time. Their thing was, you have to follow our rules or you're out. She basically flipped them off and laughed in their faces, while her parents said, "She's YOUR problem, she's in YOUR house."

So Grandma and Grandpa said "If you don't follow the rules you have to leave" and she did to move in with a cousin, who has since called and said she's doing the same exact things in her home. Oh, and she stole (she says "took" because she needs it to go to school) Grandpa's car and the police said for him to "think about it" before he presses Grand Theft Auto charges against her. Her parents are saying they plan to pay him for it so he will "forget the whole thing" but he's not holding his breath.

My point in sharing this is that at 18 you may have to make a choice if her behavior continues down this path, Do you really want your children exposed to it and your home disrupted?

God bless you for wanting to help her ❤

First off she's not your biological child and she's 18. She's not a child and technically doesn't have to ask your permission for anything. I'm surprised the cops even went so far as to call her.. Good luck. You may want to start by recognizing she's not a kid and dating a 26 year old isn't that far from the norm these days.

She is an 18 year old adult. I would either tell her you have a curfew as to when you need her in because of the young kids, or make her a key so she can come and go as she pleases without having to sneak around. And 18 year old should be able to spend the night with her boy friend without needing to sneak.

Well no matter her age, you are 'responsible' for her for her Parents, because she resides with you per college schedules.
You are to answer to her parents.
She is their child, and she is living with you.

Why haven't you talked to her about it yet?
You should.
There needs to be communication between you all.
Right?

Who the heck is this man anyway?

The thing is, she is residing with you all and you are responsible for her.
For her parents.
Even if she is 18.

Sure, kids this age even is 18, are not rocket scientists nor are they worldly enough to make smart decisions.
They are having sex. It is experimenting.
Hope she doesn't get pregnant!

When I was that age, I met a guy that was 7 years older than me. Met him at a nightclub.
We dated.
BUT, even if I was 18, HE.... made sure he met my parents because he did not want them to get the wrong idea about him. HE was a mature responsible guy, although older than me. HE was not irresponsible, nor treated me like a young-thing that he was dating. There was respect.
He and I were together for 4, years. My parents, adored him. He was a responsible respectful Man.... and was working hard and very smart. He took me seriously... not as a young-thing fling. And he as the older guy with a young-thing girlfriend.
At first, my Dad thought this guy, because he was 7 years older than me and I was only 18, my Dad thought this guy was just using me and as a fling for fun. Which is valid assumptions. Because guys, do do this. But... the Man I was seeing, initiated ALL the proper manners of meeting my parents and proving himself... to them. He knew I was young... thus he maturely made sure, that our involvement was up and up. To them.

In any case, no matter what... you need to meet this guy.
She resides with you.
You are responsible for her.
For her parents.
Her parents, would want to know about her life, right?
Do you communicate with her parents????

The way you start... is just sit her down and talk to her.
Why be afraid of that?
Just start.
You and your Husband.

Yes, she is 18. She is experimenting. Hopefully she is not 'dumb' or naive. At this age, it is all about guys and experimenting and who knows what else.
As I said, I hope she doesn't get pregnant.
What then?
At the least, you need to talk to her about STD's and birth control. Unless you say nothing, due to her age, and then, wing it.
What are her parents, expecting of you???? Per her life and your keeping her while she goes to college and residing with you?

It is your house, your rules.

She is behaving like a 16 year old.
Not an "adult."
Her maturity, per her behavior... is seriously lacking.

She is just using your home as a motel.
And her parents are not around, so she is fully taking her whims, to the max. She does not feel, she has to answer to anyone.

Personally, the guy she is 'dating'... seems like a Jerk.
NO decent guy, would be doing that nor having her sneak out of the house nor picking her up at 2:00am or whatever.
She is not in her bed.
She is in his, bed.
It is that obvious.

Hope she doesn't get any STD's or Aids or get pregnant.

The older guy, is having a fun fling, with his 18 year old chick.

A lot of great advice, but I would reiterate what Lyn M. said - it leaves your home and the younger children unsecure when she leaves windows, etc open . . .?!
I would approach from that angle first and then move into the concerns you may have with her behavior, etc. and as an "adult" let her come up with some schedules/rules that are mutually benefical. You may be suprised with what she arrives at for rules and codes of conduct for herself that fit within house rule parameters.
Good luck!

True, she is legal since she is 18 and she is not your bio child, HOWEVER.... anyone living under my roof at any age will go by my house rules or they will be asked to leave. I am very open minded and easy going as long as you don't disrespect me, my family and my property. Cross that line and the gloves come off.

She owes you common courtesy, respect and maintaining the safety of your home. GEES... I know Allen is safe, I live here but to sneak out with young children in the house and have a total disregard for your family's safety is not excusable.

You are right to talk to her bio parents and they need to express to her the gratitude, respect and common courtesy she needs to have for your family by following your house rules or move her out.

True, some people have wide age gaps in their relationship but she has no business meeting a 26 yr old. She is newly dating and needs to know some of the dangers of meeting the wrong crowd. IF this guy is a good guy, he should have no issue with meeting you.

Good luck..

She needs to understand that while "legally" she may be an adult, while she lives under your roof, she needs to abide by your rules. If she wants to pull the "I'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do" card, calmly tell her that if she feels that way, she needs to NOT be living in your house. As long as she lives with you (and this goes or biological children, as well), she has to respect and obey your rules. Simple as that.

Tell her no more sneaking out. Being an adult is more than just hitting a certain age. Adults do not sneak out.

No going behind your back. It's a respect issue.

Bring him home to meet you. If she can't do that, then she shouldn't be dating him in the first place.

At her age, I was engaged (I married my husband at 19). However, I still lived at home and I still honored and respected my parents rules. They had a rule that said I had to be home by 10pm. I was making wedding plans, had a fiance, had a job...And you better believe my butt was back in the door by 9:59pm every single night.

It's just part of the package!

Ok, I read all of the responses and felt that I had to respond. Yes, she may technically be 18. However, she is a part of your family and you love her. You want to make sure she is making good choices and don't want to see anything bad happen to her. Of course you need to talk to her and guide her. That's what loving parents do.
While she has been living on her own for a while since she goes away to school, that does not mean she knows how to live on her own. She probably has not received the guidance that she needs since she has not had parents around regularly to guide her. That is my assumption, I may be wrong. She will need talks about respecting herself, making good choices, making sure others respect her. It won't be easy and it will take a lot of time. She may never listen, but at least you can say you tried. She will thank you later (maybe not soon) for showing her love and teaching her right from wrong. I wish you the best of luck.
By the way, there is a big maturity difference and difference in life experiences between an 18 year old and a 26 year old. I just have to wonder why he is dating someone so young. You really do need to meet him.

I haven't read all your responses but when I was and adult living at home I had an agreement with my parents that I was to be home at 2am or a phone call was required to let hem know that I was safe and when I would be at home... I was never punished for being out late as long as I followed that rule.

Listening is the most important thing at this time, confrontation will only push a teen away, keep open dialogue and work together for a solution... be careful not to push, or she may distance herself and it sounds like she needs you and your guidance now more than ever.

good luck it sounds like a very difficult situation!

She is an adult and lives like an adult the rest of the year. I think it would be reasonable to expect her to communicate with you where she will be so you will not worry about her. But I don't think you have the right to chose who she dates and whether she stays over. I think you certainly can forbid her having men stay at your house.If you really have a problem with your other kids knowing she does not always sleep at home, you could let her know what the rules in your house are - she can chose to stay elsewhere if she wants.

She is 18 years old an adult and should be treated as such. That means you will need to be tough with her and let you stay away next break. Say we love having you but you are an adult now. When you are in our house we have certain rules and beliefs we life by and want our children raised. I'd tell her straight your acting like an idiot with an older guy that you will regret latter in life. I would also tell her parents who paying for her schooling. Tell her she is welcome to come over the house for dinner any night and you love her but she cannot stay the night because she is endangering the family and herself by leaving sneaking of windows like a thief.

I just love the way people use "18" and "adult" in the same sentence. Seriously, an adult would not climb out of the window, they would use the door. A grown adult pays their own bills and supports him/herself. Turning 18 doesn't make you an adult, it just gives you "legality" options. Why do you think the drinking age was changed??? Handle the situation with tact and calmness so that she will hopefully respect whatever you decide. However, as my parents used to say this is my house and these are our rules. If you can't follow the rules, there is the door. It's disrespectful to disobey your rules and exhibit that behavior around your children. Ask her why would she want to date someone who can't pick her up at a decent hour and come to the front door? My best to you. Let us know how it turns out.

She's an adult, she doesn't need your permission for anything.

However she is living in your home and should be following your rules. If she can't do that she needs to at least inform you of her plans, where she is going, with who, and what time she will be home. And she has to answer her phone, it may be an emergency call. If she can't do that she needs to find her own place to live.

This probably has nothing to do with you but an attempt to get her parents attention.

Oh, my. I'm so sorry! You're trying hard to be a positive role model and mother figure, you've opened your home, your family & your heart. Good for you!

Yeah, so she's 18. I get it. Still, what she can do as a (ahem) legal adult and who she is really are 2 different things. Yup. She's 18. As a member of a family, though, she needs to respect that family and all the members in it -- including herself. Not bringing the man home to meet you is disrespectful of you, your family's way of operating and herself AND him (though a 26yo dating an 18 yo doesn't deserve much respect from me).

I have 4 girls: 31, 28, 19 & 17. Age is not the issue. Nor is it a matter of whose roof she lives under (really -- you don't want to go there; it just opens the possibility that she'll leave that roof and THEN where would she be? As a caring adult, don't open that door.). It's a matter of respect for the family unit and working together to best help that unit be strong and supportive of one another.

Talk to her. Acknowledge the fact that she's growing up and that you both need to find your way through these issues -- but that you'll do it together. Tell her you love her like your own -- that family doesn't come from birthing a child but from loving that child and being excited and happy and anxious at each stage for that child. Tell her what your concerns are. Ask her what her thoughts are. Tell her you can imagine that she must be so excited to be starting a relationship with this guy (don't tell her it makes you want to throw up with anxiety for her!). Tell her it wasn't your intent to imply that she's clueless or a baby (can you tell I've walked a similar path?) but that you owe her your love and your respect. And one way you demonstrate that love is to want to meet her dates. You would do no less for one of your younger children. It's not at all that you aren't acknowledging her maturity, it's actually in recognition of her being a growing woman. If you weren't acknowledging who she is (that she's 18 and all), you'd just shut it down, tell her she couldn't date or contact anybody without your permission and that would be that.

She may not like it. It might take several conversations over time. It might also take you letting go a little more than you'd like. Compromise is key. But show your love. Encourage her o deal with you as an adult. If she can't deal with you that way, how can she have honest conversations or an honest relationship with others, because conflict and disagreement come up in every relationship. Talk to her about what you'd like versus what you NEED (ex., "I'd rather see you date someone we know, closer to your own age. That nice boy Chuck at the convenience store is cute! But I understand you like this 26 yo. OK. I can let go of the idea of a kid who I know. I'd also be willing to discuss some other rules. I can't let go of at least meeting your date, knowing when you're going out and when I can expect you home. And you need to ALWAYS answer when I call, just as I would always answer if you call me."

Be careful what ultimatums you issue. Be careful of "always" "never" and other absolute statements. Don't be afraid to say you need to think things over and get back to her. Don't be afraid to approach her with love and firmness. And be very afraid of not listening to your gut, of not addressing this.

Hang in. Good luck!

Sounds like she wants to have one foot in the door and one foot out of the door.
At 18, she's an adult.
She can move out if she wants to.
If she wants to live with you, she needs to respect your rules.
Her behavior will undermine your authority with the younger kids - they'll see what they can get away with and may try it when they get older.
If she won't respect your rules - she needs to move out whether she wants to or not.
I see no reason why you need to have a revolving door (or window) so she can come and go as she pleases.
Get some counseling - they will tell you what is involved in handling some tough love.