Hi, first time post on here. I have been living with my boyfriend for about 10 months and 3 of his son's do not like me or my children-boys ages 12 and 8. The oldest 24 year old seems okay with us, and he has a mentally disabled son that is 22 who mostly just wants all of Dad's attention. The 20 year old son moved out and doesn't speak to us, and the 14 year old seems emotionally disturbed. My sons are unhappy, especially my youngest at age 8. He said "why can't we just be with nice people? There is so much stress here. I'm tired of hiding in my room." and he cries and asks to live anywhere else. My question is, should me and my kids move out until a later date when some of the kids are grown and on their feet, or should we try and continue on to manage this household and make things work? The man and I have a good relationship as we are both a lot alike. He wants to marry me, but I have held off on this. Thanks for any advice to help.
Hi, you guys were right. I can be reached by e mail at lenacraker at hotmail and welcome replies. Basically, his grown sons always resented me and justran over the top of any small changes I tried to make. The 15 year old came around and is nicer, but still has an odd loyalty to his 20 year old brother, like he doesn't understand that people grow up and have thier own home. The special needs on that is 23 has done many things that normal people would be arrested for and he is very sexual. He was caught masturbating at work, stealing, and exposing himself. He works 6 hours a day at a disabled workshop. The 24 year old turned 25 and his dad forced him to move, which was blamed on me. 2 weeks ago, police and a dfs worker showed up randomly at 7pm asking who "Warren" was, the 15 year old that the special needs man blames everything on. The special needs one had made sexual contact with another retarded man he work with, and, when questioned, said his little brother does that to him. He lied to deflect blame, which is what he does. My young sons were questioned at night, on a school night, by a dfs worker and a police man. Needless to say, I am leaving. The special needs man has weekly sex offender counselling now. I rented a small 2 bedroom and am looking for work. The dad if these grown kids is helping me pay the first months rent, after that I do not know. I do know I am leaving here for the safety and happiness of my small sons. And thanks you guys for all you wrote. It is all correct and very good advice.
oh geez, i hope this is a troll post. because any mother who would just willy-nilly move her kids into a home this full of tension and unnecessary animosity is.......well, MP would probably grump at me if i said what i think about women like this.
khairete
S.
Yes, you absolutely should move out. Why wouldn't you? I wonder how things were before you moved in, what made you think that it was a good idea.
People like to say that it's all up to the adults and the kids shouldn't control things. Well, the children should definitely be considered, especially when there are known developmental issues and especially when they are at certain ages when this kind of thing can have the most impact on their lives. Know the children involved and pay attention to how they are affected. That does matter.
To me this is a no brainer. Neither you or their father will be able to change what is happening with his teen boys. Get your own place. If after they are grown and out of the house you still want to marry get married.
Continuing to live there is putting your children in an abusive situation. This is about more than unhappiness. You are teaching your children it's ok to be mistreated/abused. They may become abusers themselves. By staying you are telling them this behavior is ok. The situation is forming how they will be as adults. It is essential that you get your own place!
Why are you living with him?
His kids hate you, your sons are miserable, I am SURE there is a lot of bickering going on between all of you.
You are not in a good relationship if your children are crying and want to move.
Why in the world aren't you in your own place? Him in his own place? DATE.
Your poor kids, it's not their fault that their mama can't just be by HERSELF and wait for her needs. You decided to have children, THEIR needs come before yours.
Bleh.
You answered your own question. Why are you asking us?
My sons are unhappy, especially my youngest at age 8. He said "why can't we just be with nice people? There is so much stress here. I'm tired of hiding in my room." and he cries and asks to live anywhere else.
What more do you need to hear, I wonder?
Move out and date. If your 8 year old is telling you that so clearly, you need to take care of him. Protecting your children comes first.
L., I'm really surprised you even moved in with this guy. He has obligations which need to come before having a girlfriend at this point in his life. Does he even know if his 22 year old son will ever be able to live independently? Does he see a future where everyone in the family is getting along?
For your sons sakes, move out. No matter what your boyfriend's priorities are, your sons need to be your number one very FIRST priority. If your relationship with this guy is solid, it can stand a few years of dating until things smooth out and your boyfriend can see what's on the horizon.
It is patently unfair for your kids to be placed in a situation where they are aware that they are disliked. I feel awful for your son, hiding out and just avoiding them. No matter what you and your boyfriend want, you really owe it to your boys to find them a place to grow up in which is healthier, where they can relax. Just waiting and trying to make it work in this situation is not advisable. It's not like your boyfriend is going to bring his sons to family counseling and you are all going to sit down and hash it out. Your kids are in a bad situation and won't be able to thrive with this sort of stress.
Move out.
They aren't teenage sons. They are (mostly) adult children that need to move on. Since that's not happening, you should move on. Protecting your children should be your highest priority.
Ugh, sounds awful. I would not live there no matter how much I liked the guy.
Your kids are only young for a short time. You may always regret making them live their childhood in a house of full of negativity and unhappiness with other kids they don't like who don't feel like family. You will never regret holding your relationship off for 5-10 more years to preserve the quality of family life for your kids.
Move out. Get your own place with your kids and cherish this time with them. You can conduct a relationship with this guy without combining the households.
You moved yourself and your two kid into his home, is that right? How long had you been seeing each other? What preparation did your boyfriend do for his 4 kids before moving you and your kids in? Do they think you are using up Dad's financial resources? The house must be very crowded with all those men - maybe it's been such a long time since there was a woman in the house? Have their rules and schedules changed?
You've not given us enough information to really be too helpful. The 22 year old has issues, of course, and the 14 year old probably is going through teen stuff. But still, moving in a woman and 2 younger kids when they were all getting older and more independent must be a huge set-back in their eyes.
That said, your boyfriend should be tolerating zero disrespect. If the 14 year old is emotionally disturbed, what help is your BF getting for him? Is there therapy involved? Have you learned the best way to deal with his issues?
If you haven't done your homework here, both adults that is, then yes, you should move out. A thrown-together family of 6 kids is a huge adjustment for everyone. Your responsibility is your 2 kids.
I wouldn't live there. Find your own place. When you live in a hostile environment nothing good comes from it. Put your children before your needs. Be friends maybe but not roommates. His sons are not accepting you and probably never will. Why live where you are not wanted?
the other S.
Why would you put your kids through that? Why are you living with a boyfriend if you can't commit and give a stable, married home environment. Your son is smarter than you are. It is selfish of you to choose your own comfort over his.
I'm not sure if this is for real or not...... but I'll bite.
Is the sex THAT good that you would put your children through hell?
Get your priorities straight... YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD BE NUMBER ONE. Move out and show them that you can be a strong person. Give them a stable home so they can be proud of their mom.
They are begging you to move out and you are staying, WHY? STOP thinking about your "needs" and consider your children for once.
Remember, you are modeling this behavior for them to follow as they become adults.
That sounds miserable. Think about your boys and the memories they will have of their childhood. Home should be their soft spot to land.
You need to move out. Period the end. You child is miserable and it is your job to provide a loving, stable and positive environment for him. Waiting for it to get better is a horrible idea. Your boyfriend has not raised his own children well - why would he be a good person to your child?
I am sorry - but this is not a good situation for you or your son. You both deserve much better and it is out there. I am sorry to be so harsh, but I see no future here worth waiting for.
Leave asap.
I think there's more to this story than you're letting on. Did your boyfriend cheat on his kids' mother to be with you? Why are you living there if you don't know if you want to marry him?
I think you should move out with your kids. They shouldn't have this kind of stress and it's simply an unhealthy dynamic.
ETA: Gamma, are you seriously advocating her using her child as an intermediary in this situation? That's nuts. SHE should be talking to her boyfriend, not sending her child to do it. These are ADULT children of her boyfriend, and the ADULTS in the relationship should be communicating on the problem, not involving a child. Dear, you've said some kooky stuff, but this really takes the cake.
Welcome to mamapedia!!
I'm sorry. Why are you still there?? I would put my children above that of a "man" (and I'll use that word loosely as I don't see anywhere where this guy is telling his adult children to back off or stand up for you).
Also I wouldn't be living with a boyfriend. If there's not a ring on my finger and a date set? That's NOT the model I want to be setting for MY children.
I suggest that you move out. That you get yourself in order and put your kids first. Yes, you can date. However, I wouldn't bring ANYONE home until it was serious and I wouldn't move in with nor have anyone move in with me and my children until a wedding date is set.
Your children deserve better.
You deserve better.
MOVE OUT.
I would move out. That does not sound like a healthy environment for your kids OR you. Move out, get your own place. I'm not saying to end your relationship ... but , get this worked out before you bring your sons to live with him. That is so sad that your 8 year old cries and wants to move out!
Ugh...... what should come first, your happiness, or your kids?
Your sons are unhappy about the amount of stress over there.... blending families is EXTREMELY difficult with the best of families! His kids don't like you... (not your fault...... they don't want to give up dad).....
I say you need to move out and take care of your kids..... they should be coming first.
You're putting your kids through hell.
Yes, move out.
Really? You already have your answer. Why did you move in so quickly? Why are you with someone who doesn't respect/love you and your children enough to provide a safe environment? I don't get it. I would move mountains for my kids...not make them have to ask me for safety.
Yes, please move out for the sake of your kids. You can have a relationship with him and move in with him and marry him once your kids are grown.
Living with someone full-time is overrated, anyway. Other than the cost savings, what's so terrible about living apart and dating? Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
By the way, a man who has a 14 year old "emotionally disturbed" son is doing something wrong as a parent. You need time to figure out what that is before you subject your kids to him.
Move out. Everyone below is telling you the same thing. Are you strong enough to do what is right for your kids?
You need to do what is best for your children. They are your first responsibility.
Seems like maybe you should not be living with your bf yet...maybe date him if you want but you can't continue in this dynamic. It's not fair to all involved.
So your boyfriend has special needs kids who are openly hostile to you and your children and you wonder if you should move? Your kids are crying and asking to move somewhere else. They do NOT feel safe. It is your job to ensure your children are safe.
You need to put your kids first and not you. As for the "until a later date when some of the kids are grown... 24, 22 and 20 are GROWN.
All I hear in my mind is "danger Will Robinson"
Don't marry him and Move out!!!! Kids always come first!!!
Yes, move out. Your first priority needs to be your children. It's fantastic you've found a man you like, but if your children are suffering, he is not the man for you (at least for now). However, is his teenage son going to like you any more in two or five years? How does your man deal with his bratty children? Does he put up with them being mean? If yes, then perhaps you should reevaluate if he's really the one for you.
Either way, YES. MOVE OUT. You have put your children in a situation that is making them unhappy.
What is so special about this guy that you are putting your children below you?
I agree with others - move out.
If you are engaged, I don't think you are, most women don't call a fiance a boyfriend, cancel the wedding and move out.
Southern Yankee said it best "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
Others have said your children deserve better. Don't you think they do too?
There is not one thing that would make me put my kids in jeopardy. Leave.
Wait until you find a man who is willing to work with you and take time to blend families together. Don't rush.
Simple solution. Move out until the his other children are out of the house including the MD child. If he needs so much attention, you are better off not living with this man at all. Your children come first - before you - their happiness precedes yours. Take care of them and leave.
Put your children's mental,physical and emotional needs first. It is your responsibility to do so. Your love life is last on the to do list. Providing a safe, loving and nurturing environment for your children is at the top.
I am sorry L.. But please, leave for the sake of the emotional well being of your children. Please move out and make your family of 3 the happiest, most loving place to be.
Don't consider marriage with a man that has a family that makes your children feel unsafe and unloved to the point they simply hide in their room to survive.
Leave...ASAP.
Your kids come first in your life at this point. You need to move out and give them a safe, loving household. Meshing 2 families together is hard at best and hell at worst. Your sons don't need to be around people who hate them.
Get out now. Not a healthy environment at all.
Some stressful events in life are unavoidable...with this one you have a choice. Move now!!!
I wouldn't have to think twice - take your kids and move. There is nothing worse than living in a stressful environment with people who don't like you.
Yes, you should move out. Put your sons' needs above your own. I worked with a woman who always put her love life first, and now has two adult children who want nothing to do with her. She wonders why.
You don't say how long you two have been dating or if you are engaged. Perhaps the move in was too sudden, as it does not appear that the kids have had time to adjust to or get to know one another. Blending families takes time and it doesn't happen over night. It is a process. You might consider moving out and that way, at least you have some sort of escape from this drama as you two work out a strategy for atleast getting everyone to respectfully tolerate one another. You have no peace in your own home. What's the backroung on the boyfriend and his sons' mother? Does that have anything to do with why they are acting this way? Although, I do realize that some kids simply cannot get used to the idea of their parent seeing someone else, period.
It sounds like it might not be the right time yet to blend your families, maybe you could get your own place and you could continue to date for a while. But in end your BF will have to demand his sons respect you and your kids, if he is unwilling to step up and do that then this may be a lost cause.
Your child is telling you he wants to live elsewhere because of the environment and your putting your wants before your kids needs. Find a new place for your self and kids and then continue the relationship. Yes it may put his kids in a position to bully you guys but your family needs to come first
I have not read the responses but for me you really need to move. Your kids are my kids ages and I can not imagine putting them through that much stress. If the relationship is meant to be it will be but i would move.
Many blessings and good luck
It's time to sit down and face the situation. He's allowing his kids to be a**holes to you and your children. NO child should have to live like this.
I think he needs a wake up call. Say something like this to your child. "Honey, why don't you go ask boyfriend what to do, he knows his kids better than we do and he might have some ideas". This way it puts it where it should be. He's allowing his kids to act like this. I'd drop him in a heartbeat if he allowed this to my family.
I'd also bust my kids hiney if they acted that way towards him or his children.
Yes, please move out. Your sons need and deserve better than this. Sounds like you guys moved too quickly in trying to blend your families. This takes time and lots of planning.
I suggest family counseling for all. Teenagers are tough and you came in at a hard age. You also did not say how long you and your BF have been dating or what the future plans are or what the circumstances were. Frankly, unless you and BF are married, I would not be putting my kid through what you describe. There seems to be information missing here. Blended families are not just "put everyone in one house and hit puree". That rarely works, other than to make a mess.
Also is your son 8 or 9? Not that it matters that much but it's something I noticed.
Please do not be a serial dater and move in or move in with multiple people. I've seen other people do that and it's terrible to make a "family" when dating relationships are so impermanent.
You need to talk to your boyfriend. If you are living together with the desire to marry one day then you need to be acting as a united couple already. You need to help him and he needs to help you. You want to be one family, then you need to be acting like one family. If you two are united and committed then your children will follow a long. You will know what your boyfriend wants in the care of his children and he will know what you want. You both will be able to provide what they need once you know where you stand with each other and each other's children. You need to know and he needs to know.
Next, family counseling. If you want this to work then you may need outside help.
