Christmas Day Split Between Two Families

So long as you are living under their roof you are not going to be able to talk to them as an equal. I respect my children but if one of them was crying I am not a kid anymore, and they still lived with me, I would laugh at them. Sorry but children live with their parents, adults do not.

What I mean is that is a very childish thing to say. Even worse if you believe it.

My kids did come to me and ask what I had planned, if it conflicted with something they wanted to do we made reasonable compromises. The thing is this always worked well for both because my kids never had the audacity to claim authority they didn't have.

You are speaking to them like a child, they are treating you like a child. Stop talking like a child and they will stop treating you like one. Children say this is what I want, adults compromise.

Let me see if I have all of the details straight.
You are 20, in university and living with boyfriend at parents house but still want to exert your adulthood?

I'm with Jo W. on this. Being super emotional in your conversations with your parents will never get you the peace you are seeking with this decision to go to his parents for Christmas.

As an adult there is really no need to feel guilty over the decisions you make and why give another that kind of power in your life. When I was in my 20's I was particularly difficult with my mom while in my relationship with my boyfriend. In this particular case I would just pack up Christmas Eve to go to boyfriend's parents spend the Eve and the entire Christmas Day with them and come back to my house extremely late on Christmas Day. I think my point would be made but it could also mean coming home to changed locks in my momma's house. Long story short - pick your battles and remember whose roof you are living under.

"Mom, BF and I agreed that we will alternate Christmas dinner between our families. Last year we were here for Christmas dinner which means that this year we are going to his parents' house--that's how it's going to work. Next year we'll be here. We made this choice together, as a couple, and when you say to me 'Just do it separately from each other, it's not like you're married,' that is hurtful to me because it shows that you don't see us as a couple. But we are, and this was our decision together as a couple. I hope you can respect that."

She does not respect it, but unless you start using language like this with her -- in a calm tone, not defensively, not upset -- then she will not learn to respect you. She does not see you as an adult because you are living under her roof and you are not married; those are two things that -- in her eyes -- mean you are still her child and therefore should do as she wishes. Be aware of this: If she pulls out the "it's not like you're married" line for this, she WILL be using it again: "Why can't he go to his parents' this weekend alone? It's not like you're married." "Why can't you just come out with me to do X instead of doing Y with him? It's not like you're married." And eventually: "Why are you and he looking at houses/apartments together? It's not like you're married."

You cannot argue this with her. You must learn to ignore her and to stand up for yourself. But as long as you and the BF live with her -- an arrangement that gives her authority over you in her eyes -- you will always be her baby and not an adult and part of a couple. And she will not respect you as an adult. But fussing with her, arguing or pleading with her will only make you more of a baby in her eyes. Be calm, be firm, smile as you say it: "We made this choice as a couple, and we're sticking to it as a couple."

Oh, and ensure that your BF is on board with this style of handling it. If he gets sullen or surly with her about it, it only makes him look more immature. Have a super-cheery Christmas Eve and morning and ignore any little comments she may make. Time to be the adults here. Good luck.

Don't engage. When they bring it up, just tell them, "We've already discussed this. I've made my decision and I'm not going to discuss it any further." Repeat as often as necessary and walk away if they keep raising it. You can use this for all such conversations, not just about Christmas dinner. Either they will act like adults and accept it, or they won't. There's really not much you can do to avoid them trying to guilt you into things. All you can do is try to rise above it.

Wow, if you want to be treated as an adult, then you need to move out from your parents. I don't understand this "my parents won't allow me to move out". You are 20 years old and do not need their permission to move out. Your parents sound very controlling...it will not get better as long as your live under their roof.

What Jo W and Leigh said. You are still young, you are their baby, and you ARE living with them under their roof so they do not see you yet as an adult. Tell them you love them, but that you are respecting both sets of parents by taking turns. The "not married" thing needs a response of "that has nothing to do with anything".

Also, try to understand that they KNOW you will leave them. For you, this is an exciting time and a normal step. For them, it's normal but it's scary and a bit heartbreaking. You feel you will gain something when you move out on your own. They feel they will LOSE something. And the holiday "separation" is an unescapable example of the loss starting to happen. So they clutch a bit harder, which drives you crazy and makes you want to pull away, which makes them want to hold on tighter.

Something you might want to do, separate from your question, is Mom's day/Dad's day and/or Parent day at least once a month. Start it now before you move out and keep it going. It'll be a special connection you have and they will feel that you love them and WANT to spend time with them and not just run away.

Hope that helps!

Just remind her again that this is your schedule and next year you'll be there for Christmas dinner. Don't engage beyond that becuase this will set a precedent for the future.

Good luck! She's not going to let it go easily. If you senses you waivering, she'll keep going with it. If you are firm and don't "argue" with her, she'll have to stop.

I would tell her that she should be glad because once you start a family with this guy you'll be spending it in your own home and doing Christmas at home with that family and doing Christmas with her on the weekend before or after.

That might wake her up.

Every couple has had this issue in one form or another so please know that you are NOT alone! The tricky part is that you do live at home with your parents which means you should (IMO) wake up there Christmas morning so how are you alternating (just Christmas Dinner or alternating it all)?

Explain to your mom that while you are not married, you are in a committed relationship and since you do live together you very much a couple. This is what you plan to do and lay it out. When she tries to guilt you into something different tell her "I am sorry this upsets you but this is what we are doing".

Might I suggest that when you do move out, you figure your game plan well in advance (like maybe alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve) and stay home Christmas Day (and invite both your parents and your inlaws over)...it will be easier to establish your own traditions.

My family and my inlaws both always celebrated on Christmas Eve and my family is a more of a bush than a tree so it gets crazy on a good day. My inlaws (on my MILs side) also has a big family get together. We were expected to be there when they have it (even when it conflicts directly with my niece's birthday), Christmas Eve, Christmas MORNING and dinner, and again the next day for FILs birthday. **when exactly was I supposed to enjoy the holiday?!! Anyway, even after my husband told her that we would not be there Christmas morning or for dinner (we stay home) she didn't believe us. She kept telling my BILs that we would be there so they kept calling asking when we were getting there...they thought we just weren't coming first thing!

This problem goes as far back as marriage, splitting time with the in-laws (or essentially so in your case). You have made a very reasonable compromise and I urge you to stick to your guns on this. Maybe you can offer to help prepare a Christmas Eve dinner. As my sisters and I have grown, married, had kids, moved away, etc, etc. we have realized it is not the day that is important it is the celebration and the togetherness. With the chaos of everyone's schedules this time of year we have learned to appreciate any time we have all together, regardless of what the calendar says. I hope your mom can come to terms with that and give you a break. I wish you the best!

It's time for your parents to view you as an adult. Not all adult children, especially those who are partnered or married, spend every holiday with their parents. There is another side of the family. Honestly, since your boyfriend's parents live a distance away, I would make the tradition that as long as you live by your parents, that you have Christmas Eve and morning with your parents and then journey to the boyfriend's parents for Christmas dinner. It's hard for a parent to realize that their child is grown up and that their child will move away from them, but it's time for your mom to realize that this is the next step. When your kids partner or marry, you typically only see them for certain holidays. Your plans seem more than fair to both sides of the family, so just do what you have planned, let mom sulk if she must but don't allow her to manipulate you into treating your boyfriend's family as if they don't exist.

I can see that you are trying to be fair to both families, but I also understand where your mom is coming from. Doesn't really seem like xmas unless there is a child in the house.

Is there a way to invite your parents and brother to your BFs house for xmas dinner. It's only three more and I think it would be great for both families to spend time together. They are connected through the baby. I have a wonderful relationship with all of my grandchildren's "other" grandparents!

Most likely if you get married and have children, your parents will STILL expect you to be at their house for Christmas. Some parents just can't let go of their kids growing up, and holidays changing.
I am 35, married w/ three kids and I battle both sides of our family EVERY year for EVERY holiday. Just hold your ground, but don't argue w/ them. You'll never win.
At some point if you do get married and have kids, you may not want to go anywhere for certain holidays. Families just have to deal w/ it. Stick to your guns. Try to see your family AROUND the holidays, let it be known that as an adult and as your life changes, you are entitled to make your schedules and traditions.
It probably wont get much better, so you might as well put your foot down now. You'll never make everyone happy!

They might not ever understand. I agree with the other posts, just make your decision and try not to engage.

My family lives 1000 miles away and for us to visit at Christmas costs us about $700 - $1200, so we can't go every year. It's a lot of money for us, and my husband's family needs a turn too. My parents refuse to come to our house for Christmas. We've gone earlier in December to save on airfare and celebrate Christmas then - complete with the traditional breakfast / dinner / singing etc. It should be about the time we spend together, not the 25th. Still not good enough. I guess parents just don't want to give up their babies for Christmas, even when they are 20, 30 or 50, whatever.

Either way, I feel comfortable with my/DH's decisions. I think it's fair. So when they guilt trip me (every year, starting in August), I just ignore it. Maybe not the best advice, but that's all I can handle, so don't feel alone if that's how you end up.

Remind them that you are going to spend every other Christmas with your live-in BF's family and that was the agreement. "This is the year we are going to BF's family. I can be here for Christmas Eve, but I have other plans for Christmas Day. End of discussion." And then don't get into an argument with them about it. It's been decided. They respect it/take it or they don't. But arguing like a 15 yr old isn't going to gain you any ground. Frankly, your mom is acting immature also.

Tell them that you are 20 years old and would appreciate a little more respect.

Bottom line, they don't see you as an adult and don't respect your adulthood. So I suspect you will have to fight for it and part of that is being respectful, but doing things like spending some holiday time with both your chosen significant other AND his family. Start the precedent now or your holidays with kids are doomed.

And FWIW, I almost signed a lease with a friend from college. Her grandmother convinced her that she couldn't afford it. I found another living situation while Friend moved in with her grandmother. Friend spent the next TEN YEARS living with someone who got more and more controlling and even said, "You don't need to get married. You can take care of me." Friend is only "free" now because her grandmother needs more care for her dementia than she can provide and her sister finally convinced their father to bear responsibility for his mother. Friend is in her mid-thirties now, and single, and wishes desperately she had not listened to her grandmother and squandered her 20s. It is not easy to let children fly. But when someone keeps clipping your wings, you have to ask - is it in whose best interest that you never fly? Yours? Or THEIRS?

ETA: I treat my SS like a grown person under my roof. SS pays rent. He does his own laundry. He pays his own bills. He's more of a roommate. We ask him to tell us if he's eating here or if he wants to have an overnight guest because that's just basic respect. You don't NEED to be treated like a child because you live there.

Just because she gets stupid when you suggest it doesn't mean you don't do it. Get your plan together, sign your lease, and say, "I'm moving out. My lease starts on the 15th." Don't expect or ask for her help and don't expect her to be happy. You do NOT need her permission to move out or go to Christmas dinner or otherwise act like an adult. It would be nice to receive it, but she sounds like someone who is only happy when everyone caters to her and to have your own adult life, you're going to have to stop worrying about her so much.

Her behavior right now is childish. She (they) withholds love until you do as SHE demands. Maybe you need to read a book about how to deal with a narcissist or someone who is codependent. Or go to your school's counseling office and find out your options for housing and/or emotional support.

Just be adamant about spending it w/the in-laws this year...explain that as a reminder, you spent dinner w/them last Christmas & it's the in-laws turn this year. Remind them that you're spending 'more' time w/them (your parents) than you are the in-laws. Sounds like they're being a bit childish & selfish in the matter but just remember, your in-laws count too! Think of them in that way that they'll be disappointed if you skip Christmas w/them this year.

If your parents keep arguing then let them choose...either spend dinner ONLY w/them (Christmas Eve/Christmas morning w/the in-laws instead) or spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning w/them, their choice. Good luck!!

One of my sister in laws moms was like that when my brother got married her mom told my mom they would be with her for every holiday. Which has turned out to be true for the most part as they live in the same town and we live across the country. Now that my dad's gone my mom goes up there a lot for Christmas and I at first had issues with it but then I decided I was being selfish. One thing I thought of while reading your post is have you thought about asking if your parents and brother can come along and you can have both sides together? Would three more people be terrible? That way everyone's includes. We do that some with my other brother's mother in law. We all live with in about 45 mins of each other so holidays and everything my brothers kids have both grandma's there. And it makes it easier they don't have to pick.

As an adult, I'm not sure why you're asking the question. The choice is yours. You don't ask to go to your boyfriend parents home. As a courtesy, you let them know. Your mother's reaction is her own. Adults allow one another to be who they are and have their individual reactions.

The point about moving out, you accept their rules and whims living there - that's the trade off of not having the debt. You've made your choice and while financially responsible, it doesn't allow you the space to grow emotionally.

If he's paying rent at your parent's house, why not pay rent out of your parent's house while you get a part time job?

You poor thing . . . I am a mom with 3 daughters - 23, 20 and 11. I too have a mom like yours. Because I have a mom like that, I promised myself I would never do that to my daughters and I think they would tell you I have kept my word.

Unfortunately your mom isn't going to change as long as you allow her to get to you. So, you will have to be the one to change - you are going to have to try and not let her get to you the way she does. The guilt trip is one I completely understand because my mom STILL gives me one and I am 50 years old!

Your mom is being completely unreasonable. You know it, and deep down, so does she but she knows that the guilt trip probably works, so she's going to continue to use it. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have my daughters around ALL the time but I know they have other things going on and my oldest is pregnant with her first child this year, so her and her BF are doing what you want to do - spending the morning with us and dinner with his family. I will miss them terribly but I understand.

My best advice to you is to go to your BF's family's house, have a good time and try not to let your mom get to you! Unfortunately you will probably have to do this a few times, but honestly, I think she may come around. If she sees that the guilt trip isn't working any more and that you are going to do what's best for you and your BF, then she will have to throw in the towel and enjoy the time she has with you! The reason I know this is because I have a sister much younger than I and she didn't let our mother get to her - and of course my mom has accepted it and doesn't even try to get her to change her plans.

Good luck - and please try to enjoy the holiday. Your mom will be just fine without you. She will get over it (until the next holiday) and hopefully she will learn to enjoy the time she has with you and your BF. Let us know how it goes!

Your parents still want to treat you like a child and keep you close in every sense of the term. You can't and won't always make them happy and you spending Xmas dinner with the BF's parents seems reasonable considering you see your parents for every holiday, every day and always. Dear God, what would they do if you took a job and moved out of state? You need to slowly start preparing them for your real independency. Better yet, move out and visity them.

Your parents are being very unfair to expect for you to spend every minute of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them. Since you have already made your feelings known to them, and they have stated theirs, I'd just go on with your plan. Don't discuss it with them any longer. You have made your decision, and are being more than fair to your parents. If anything, your boyfriend's parents are getting the short end of ths stick, only getting 1 dinner out of the holiday.

My MIL is pushy and when she lived with us she expected us to go/do EVERYTHING together. That's one reason why I encouraged them to move 1500 miles away from us. Your parents are setting the tone for how they would treat you and your boyfriend if/when you do marry. They won't ease up, so don't give them the opportunity to discuss it again. If they want to push the issue with you and try to give you a hard time, I would refuse to discuss it again and just tell them that the plans are final.

Good luck--and if you can afford to, I vote looking for your own place. Maybe they aren't, but from what you've described in this scenario, your parents seem to be controlling people, which is a shame, since it pushes their kids away, rather than draws them closer.

.... your parents do not see you as an adult.
And they don't want to "let go" of you.
Nor see you leave their house or move out.
One day they will have to grow up, too.
This is a transition for them... and they are having a hard time, adjusting.
You have your own life and your own obligations etc. But don't fight about it.... like in a "teenager" way.
They don't see, that your own life and your own relationships, has obligations too. ADULT obligations.
Even if you were invited to another friend's home for Christmas dinner (and this was not having to do with a 'Boyfriend')... would it make a difference to your parents????
They like keeping you and your boyfriend under their roof. They still have you near.

Luckily, your Boyfriend's parents are not territorial.
But, maybe its also because, this was not the first girlfriend he has had... and they know that this is just one relationship out of a person's entire life.
So maybe they don't take things so seriously.... and a relationship versus actually being "married" is different to them. And it is.

Your parents can guilt you. But also, you can then decide how you will react to that.

And, sure, all couples do not have to be... joined at the hip. You are not married.
Heck I have had lots of Boyfriends... long term and short term. I did not... do EVERYTHING with them. We still had our own lives too, and then those in conjunction with each other, and our own family obligations. And it also depends on how serious the relationship is, or not. Not all long term relationships are, serious.

And you and your Boyfriend live with your parents. Sure, you need time away... from them too, and have your own life. Whether that is in tandem with your Boyfriend, or not.

Then the thing is: do YOU want to spend Christmas dinner... with your family or not? Irrelevant to your Boyfriend? If you do, then YOU spend Christmas dinner with your family. And Boyfriend can be with his. You don't have to do it, together. Each of you, ALSO has, your own familial obligations to your own, family. Too. Knowing that... is also being grown up.

No matter if you are married or not... you will always have to juggle familial obligations to your own family... and then to the guy or man... you are with.

Perhaps, have a REAL good heart to heart chat... with your Mom. So she can see and hear... you as an adult and how you are separate from her. But you are still and always a daughter.
Don't fight about it. Acknowledge her but also, speak in a mature manner, to her. So she, "respects" your actions whatever that is.

They need to grow up, although I'm not sure how to say it to them politely.
You made these plans a long time ago and you're going to keep them. I think you're being more than fair. We split the holidays with Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with another. We've done this since I was a child (mom's side vs dad's side). Now that I'm married, we do every other christmas with his family, and the family that doesn't get Christmas gets Thanksgiving. When we visit my fam for Christmas, we still do Christmas eve with one set of grandparents and Christmas day with the other. I can't imagine not being able to see everyone.

Your parents are not acting in a healthy manner. You need to be the adult. You need to just act grown up and let the chips fall where they may. If your mom pouts for a week, let her DONT cajole or beg her to talk to you. Show her you can live without her better than she can live without you. Repeat as needed till she realizes her tantrums dont work on her

Wow, I reread this, and please don't take this any of this as me being down on you at all for being 'boyfriend girlfriend etc.'. No judgement here, just suggestions!. I'm glad I looked before I went to bed! So please, just read, and understand what my sister went through (and I haven't listed any of the grief she went through and she remains single to this day, and isn't interested in dating, etc and is essentially a changed person).

end edit:

Keep calm and carry on.

My mother didn't talk to me for a week when I told her I was moving back to my college town. Took my Dad telling me that for me to notice though.

In the end, she bought me a down comforter (thankfully she did, because I lived in an unheated attic for a month!) before I left.

My parents did this to my sister for YEARS. Not saying this will happen to you, but just be aware, you might be doing the 'adult' thing and doing the 'proper' thing in the midst of histrionics just like this for as long as you want to 'save money'.

I'd clear up your situation with your 'boyfriend'. Most people think they are saving up for a wedding, but get real, if you are going to get in debt for a wedding but not school, it's a little backwards. If you guys are not just in love, but marriage material, you may just want to tie the knot!

What to do about your parents? You can't do a darn thing. No one can make them grow up and expand their consciousness to another family (your brother isn't married yet?)

Don't expect things to change. Just because you get married, doesn't mean they will change their tune.

You ARE their baby. For some parents, that status continues well into adulthood. So, bear that in mind too.

Be clear, be sincere, express empathy, but you made your decision a year or more in advance, and now she's come to her having to part with her Persephone. It has to happen; she doesn't have to like it either.

Hope this sheds some light, if not any help
and GOOD LUCK!

M.

PS: the longer you stay, the more grief you will have to bear for a longer time.

I'm going to be 45 in a month and I still have issues telling my family no.

My family is coming to our house on Sunday to celebrate Christmas, we are having a turkey dinner and the whole deal. My in-laws and all of that family will be coming to our house on Christmas day. Just today I put my foot down (put my big girl panties on) and told my family that since we are getting together on Sunday I am expecting that they will not be coming over on Tuesday. (I fully expected them to assume at least part of them would be coming on Christmas day.) It seems harsh as I type this, but I can only take so much and we are celebrating on Sunday in order to accomidate my niece that has to work on Christmas day.

Any who, my point is, put your foot down and say "this is what we are doing", no debate allowed.

Good Luck,

M.