Detrimental Advice and Perspectives Needed. Please Help!

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A.,
I am sorry you are in this situation. I, too, believe you need help form professionals that can guide you. Delicacy and tact are super important right now.
However, I do know this: No O. is ultimately responsible for anyone else's actions--ever. We all have free choice and free will.
God bless and good luck to you and your family.

I was a social work student and I think sometimes when we're learning about these different issues and problems, it causes us more guilt and desire/need to help those in our lives who currently have those problems. It can often be difficult to seperate our perspective of the "client" from what is really happening in our personal lives, making it harder to think of ourselves first. In this case, however, it is important to remember that you are not the social worker, you are the wife and mother. Those are your primary roles. So forget what the objective things are that they teach you and realize that this is impacting YOUR life at the moment. Honestly, I would go see a social worker or other therapist and start some counseling.

(One of the hardest things I did was admit that I was a social worker who needed a social worker, but it is difficult to see our own life challenges as objectively as we try to think. Plus, they will be able to help you work through your own difficulties that your having right now, which is also hard even when you are training to do the same thing for others. It is always harder to deal with the issues of your own life then it is with your clients).

Your husband needs to be encouraged to go back on his medications and seek similar kinds of help and counseling. There are numerous amounts of research helping to deal with PTSD issues, which often contribute and excerbate the problems of Depression. It sounds like he has trauma not just from the war, but from other losses in his life. Along with this, he really needs to get help for gambling addiction.

The main thing though at this moment is that you should not feel guilty. You need to do what is best for you and your children. I'm not encouraging you to leave him, but definitely look into talking to someone to help you come to a solution that you feel comfortable with so you don't feel any guilt. They can also help you simply come up with ways of communicating to your husband in the most effective way possible and how to still be a support system to him, while not taking away from your own needs. The school might have some free services that you can look into. Both of my schools did. AND you can request to not have one of the student interns (as I know that was my one issue was the possibility of seeing one of my classmates). They are good about honoring your requests.

This article is worth reading. I would guess your hubby gambles and has the depression due to PTSD.

http://www.military.com/news/article/tapping-energy-to-de...

This is a weird new way of helping military deal with PTSD. I know it sounds strange, but if it is working and helping old vietnam vets that have suffered for years with PTSD, why not give it a try? It is something that they can do over the phone, too.

As his wife, while it is true that you can't fix him and there is only so much you can take, I think this is worth a shot. My husband is military and I know the they have a higher suicide and PTSD rate than the general population. Have your husband read this article and try it. What has he got to lose? It is not sitting in a chair, crying over his problems with a therapist, and there are no drugs involved. Maybe the same stuff could help you with whatever health issues you are having. Apparently, this method has a very, very high success rate.

Even on tapping.com you can try it on yourself for free. It should help with curbing his urges to gamble, his depression, and PTSD.

This will be a shot in the dark, contact the VA and get him an appointment for evaluations. He is going to have to want to do it "you an lead a horse to water but you can't make 'em drink" scenario. Through all of this you are going to have to take care of yourself so that you can move forward. What do you have for back up assistance - friends, family, others? You may have to rely on them for a bit for support mental especially.

The PTSD is a biggie and you are not equipped to handle it on your own and you shouldn't. Professional care not of the social worker is in order. You are only responsible for one person on this earth - you. That sounds hard and diffficult but that is the truth. If the marriage is over, it is over. Be good to youself and children and be gentle and firm with hubby.

Vietnam vets are an animal all their own and there are still issues coming out from that war. Some of these issue will not be known until the last are in their 80s or older. I will get off that soapbox.

I wish you the best. Be kind to yourself and children. The other S.

Clearly you have made your decision & are wanting to leave. I do not believe anyone should be foreced to stay in a marriage they are not happy in. I think it's silly that some of the moms on here have tried to guilt you into staying for various reasons. I've seen everything from "Fear your creator to stand by your man..." Yikes. Anyway, I have seen similar situations. All you can do is try to be as tactful as you can. There is no "right" time to call it quits. If you're waiting for the perfect moment, it's not coming. Obviously you loved him at one point or you wouln't have gotten married so of course you want to be as gentile as possible. Especially with all the emotional issues he has. So I would suggest visiting a social worker or therapist. Not to try to save this distructive thing but to help him through it so he doesn't do anything detrimental. Also to help you. Just becasue it's a new start doesn't mean it's a fresh start. You want to start your life with your children in a positive way. At the end of the day though, his decisions are his. You can only try so hard. Some people are just beyond rational thinking and there's nothing that can be done. They are a special kind of sick, I think. The upcoming steps are big, no doubt about that. The seperation, moving out (or him leaving), the divorce, the court date..... Take the steps slow to minimize injury. :) Good luck A.!

It is dangerous if you are being his "social worker". He needs to be in counseling and they need to be aware of all his issues. You also need to be counseling along with your children. You can not treat yourself and your husband. You need someone else to be overseeing all of your family needs. I'm not sure who has services like that but maybe the county could tell what is available or odes the VA have services for families? This too big for you or anyone. Are you involved with any churches? Churches have been helpful to me or I should say prayer and the Bible have provided me with much support in times of trouble.

A temporary separation might be best for now while you and he get help individually and jointly. There are so many issues and feelings to deal with. If you are a believing Christian, talk to your pastor and/or church counselor.

I agree with the PP-you need real help here from professionals.

I am going to wholeheartedly agree with Dawn. These issues are huge, and beyone what any of us can or should help you with. You need counciling to deal with everything you are going through, and you need to protect both your children and yourself in this situation.
I am truly sorry for this awful situation you are going through. Please talk to a professional who can help you figure out what to do.
Big hugs.

Why did he stop his meds?

Great lifetime substance lies in helping/loving/guiding/standing by the ones we love. You have done this for quite sometime. You are already a woman of substance.

Only you can decide where the line is, where you are sacrificing yourself (and possibly kids?) at fighting a battle no one can win.

We can only help those who want to be helped.

You have the wisdom you need to decide.

We are all rooting for you and your guy and your kids..

What Katie B. said. Even "helping professionals" like social workers need help sometimes.
Also get your DH to go to the VA for an evaluation, as someone else said.

Meanwhile, take especially good care of yourself and your kiddos--healthy food, exercise, "me time" for you, sleep, spirituality/prayer/meditation etc. You will need to be strong for whatever you decide.

Prayers and big hugs going out to you......

Good luck and please let us know what happens!

K. Z.