Husband Just Told Me Something He's Been Holding In.

Hi A.,
I am also an Army spouse here at Bragg, going through our 2nd deployment. Your husband is exhibiting classic symptoms of PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD symptoms can vary from one person to another, and may not show up in their full-blown form until six months or more after the traumatic event. If untreated, PTSD can cause long term health damage (physical damage such as fatigue, sleep disorders, and heart problems), as well as mood disorders (depression), and other mental health issues. Therapy is truly the route to go in this case, and no matter how counseling or therapy may have been viewed in the past, Army leadership now encourages therapy for anyone seeking it. If you want to ease your husband into it, suggest going to see a Military Family Life Consultant (MFLC). They are trained and certified counselors who are there for military families, and DO NOT keep records. They are all over Ft. Bragg and will meet you in an office, at the park, anywhere except your home. Since they do not keep records, his unit will not be made aware that he has seen them. In this way, he may be more willing to go. Here are a few numbers you can call, all connect you to a MFLC ###-###-####
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Explain to your husband that you are concerned about his health and the well being of your family. Explain to him about MFLC (also, you can go to www.fortbraggmwr.com and learn more about the program). And tell him that you love him so much you want only what is best for him, and that is therapy. The yelling arguments are not good for your pregnancy, and will not be good for that newborn. Once he sees a MFLC, he might be more willing to see a therapist for the long-term (you only have a handful of sessions with a MFLC, but they can help refer you to a long-term mental health provider).

Good luck to you and your hubby! I hope this helped!

I'm not an army spouse, but I'll go "Dr. Phil" here and say, "how's it workin' for ya?"

Yes, it sounds like your husband has been through a lot; and it undoubtedly is affecting your marriage. However, it doesn't sound like you trying to get him "to open up more" is working. More like nagging and pestering to him.

He may very well need help as the others have suggested below, and I'm not discounting their advice. But how you implement that advice is key. Men and women are different, and see things differently, and respond to things differently, and find different things helpful. You may find it a relief to finally get things "off your chest," while for him that may just make him replay his real-life horror story over and over. He may be trying to bury his memories deep down as a way to "get over it," and your attempts at trying to help him are just keeping it fresh.

I would suggest that you talk to a counselor alone, tell him/her what's been going on, and ask him/her for advice on what you can do alone, and how you can learn to talk to him in a way for him to hear and understand you. He may very well need counseling, but your attempts at getting him there have so far just made him dig in his heels.

Remember that quote the mama said in "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding": "Yes, the man is the head of the house. But the woman is the *neck* and she can turn the head wherever she wants." Work on becoming a "neck" that can influence the head. In the meantime, just support him and hold him and love him, and leave him alone with his horrible memories. Men are like stubborn mules -- the more you try to get them to go the way you want, the more they resist. The trick is to get them to *want* to go the way you want, and then they'll do it.

Know this, you are not alone. The saving grace for our marriage is this employmet deployment. My husband retired after 21 years in the Marines. He is now working in VA while we live here in NC. He too would say somethings that would come out of left field to me. He was also treating me like I knew nothing and was one of his subordinates.
He had two back to back tours while in the last 3 years. They are hard. Mine was checked for PTSD and "didn't have it either". I say yeah right there are small signs that he does have a bit of it.
Killing a young child is not something your hubby will forget.
Nor is going ot the hospital and seeing children the same age as the ones who are safely tucked in at your home. in the states. This is one of my husband's demons.
I hope he starts to heal.
Let him know that you will not be spoken to in certain ways. Be there to listen. HE will have his tatntrums,. THey will get fewer and farther between the longer he is home and more time he spends with you.

My husband was in, fortunatly he never had to deal with something as extream as what yours went through. However it sounds like he is very concerned about what you think and about your marriage. You need to be open and honest with him that what he did is not effecting how you see him but him holding on to it and not seeking help is what is deteriating your marriage. I had to end up giving my husband and ultimatum to get him to go to a therapist, however instead of putting it all on him, I said "we need marriage counceling". Sometimes when you put things as if you both have an issue not just him he would be more receptive. My husband and I went to marriage counceling twice in our marriage of 13 years and are stronger for it. Now when he needs it he goes on his own without me even prompting him. I hope this helps and that you too can get through it. Good Luck

A.,

I'm so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. My husband is still fairly new in the army - hasn't been deployed yet. I don't have much advice other than to support him and tell him that he did what he had to do. This is war, and unfortunately there are casualties in war. If he hadn't done what he did (which he was ordered to do) then things could have turned out much differently - he could have been killed. I am so sad to hear that some wives would leave their husbands over doing their jobs. They must not be cut out to be military wives. They should not have married military men.

As for the all the fighting, I'm sure some of it is from the effects of his PTSD. However, there is bickering and such in a lot of marriages. I'll tell you that what profoundly helped me in my marriage was the book The Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger. It changed my life and my marriage, and I haven't looked back. I urge you to read it.

I thank you and your husband for the service you have both given. Like others, I too believe your husband has PTSD. There is some help from the military as well as an organization called Give an Hour, where therapists outside the military provide their services for free. The military knows nothing about it. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have to tell you that you can benefit from going to therapy without him. It isn't about anyone being sick, just getting an outside perspective on what you might be able to do differently to change the pattern. I highly recommend a book by Steve Stosny and Pat Love "How to Save Your Marriage without Talking About It." It explains why men don't feel better talking about things even though it helps women. Pressuring your husband to talk is only going to push him further away. Good luck.

I would sit him down and take his hands and tell him how much you love him and appreciate that he trusted you enough to tell you what he has been hiding. Reassure him that you do not feel any different towards him except maybe that you love him more and want to be with him even more. Tell him you want to be there for him and do not want to let him go through this alone. Then....I would suggest therapy and not just going to a therapist, tell him that you would like to go with him until he is comfortable enough to go alone. Tell him that you think it would help you help him if you go with him. Tell him that you really think this is the best thing you both can do before bringing a child into the world. I hate to hear what happened but unfortunately that is the way it is in these countries. You sometimes have to take a life to save your own. It is horrible that it was a child but he needs to realize that these 'children' are trained killers as well in some circumstances. Not in all of course, but in some. Be there for him and make sure he knows you are there for him.

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I agree 100% with Mariana G. You need to take what she said and go with it. The military is not doing what it can to decompress these soldiers when they return and the families suffer. You have to understand that your husband is a different person after going through this experience and you have to be understanding, listen and do not judge or yell. He is hurting deeply and your negative responses will not help him. Continue to love him. I have a good friend who is a psychologist in PTSD and works with vets in this area as well as other injuries, mental and physical. Many of these people she works with are homeless, drug addicts, dying. Check out her website at www.veteranhomestead.org. If you want to email her, tell her A. in Wilmington told you about her. She is an awesome lady. Actually, her daughter is stationed at Ft. Bragg and has been to the Middle East many times. Your husband may even know her. My friend visits Ft. Bragg area to see her daughter occassionally and will be in Wilmington in October. You need counselling as well as you need to understand what he is going through. I have met many folks who have been to Irag/Afghanistan, especially women, and when they return, their warm and fuzzy selves have been exchanged with a hard core, distant, reticent personality. This is because of what they have seen and endured during their deployment. If you get the opportunity to read, pick up a local author, Kirsten Holmstedt's books "Band of Sisters" or "When the Girls Come Marching Home" to get some insight in what many women have gone through in the military. It is very enlightening. I know you are a military wife, but you have not experienced what your husband has so you won't truly understand his feelings ....and don't say, "I understand" because if you haven't been where he was, you don't. I hope he gets the help he needs. I recently saw a show on WRAL on Focal Point about this very topic. You may want too watch it on-line as it has a lot of information. WRAL has a lot on Veterans and PTSD. Go http://www.wral.com/news/local/documentaries/story/7132068/ .

Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts. Thank you for your husband's service to our country and for your sharing him with us for that effort.