Depressed, Tired with Marriage

I strongly recomend the book by Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages. It's an amazing book that is helping my husband and I thrue a similar ordeal. There is even a mans' version of the book. IT's an easy and quick read!

Marriage takes work as you have found out.

In MHO, I think that you both have lost sight of the center of your marriage. A healthy marriage has the following
1) Christ
2) Marriage
3) Family

Sounds to me like you have placed #3 at #1 spot and completly left out #1 & #2 all together.

You mentioned that you are attending a church, are you saying that you have not gotton to know anyone there with children your own ages that you could swap babysitting for just a couple of hours? I know as moms we want to be with our children all the time (we are afraid to leave them because they change each moment) but God told us that #1 is God #2 is marriage #3 is family. Without a happy marriage we can not raise the family the way God instructed. It is so important to put your family on hold and work on your marriage.

Tell your husband how you feel. Ask him if he could come with you to the bedroom for a few moments (or someplace away from the kids) and tell him your thoughts. Don't come across as if its all his fault, just tell him that you feel you both need to spice things up a bit. Ask him to pray about things and you do the same then get together in a few days again and talk about ways you feel you can do this.

Your hubby is probably like mine, at times he is on the web more then he is with me. So we have a rule, There is an egg timer at the computer and when he sets down to it he sets the timer for an hour, when it goes off he is to shut down the computer and come spend time with his wife. Ususally this is right after he gets home from work, and right after I have dinner prepared. Our child is up from his late afternoon nap and then the rest of the night is ours. If he wants to do more on his own he has to make sure I have no plans for us and make sure things are taken care of before he does his own thing. I in turn do the same thing with him. I try to have a time to myself to unwind from the day (its never more then an hour) then the rest is for us. I do not allow house work, or our son to get in the way of our marriage because I know that the marriage can not work with out my husband. My husband is my top priority.

If you feel like you are trying but you are getting no response, talk to your husband, he may see things differently then you do. If you still feel depressed then you need to seek some help from your doctor, maybe its post pardom (I understand it can happen anytime after your children are born).

Hope I was of some help

Hi H.:
You need to know,your not alone in your feelings.This rut your in,occurs in alot of marriages. Both partners get into a routine,and sort of get stuck there.He has his work,then finds relaxation or solitude in surfing the internet or watching dvds.You on the other hand,have your hands full 24/7 and i'm guessing you have nothing to fall back on for relaxation or some alone time. We mothers are so busy,all day and all evening, that we tend to forget about ourselves in the process.Sometimes we even get a bit agravated,because it seems everyone is enjoying themselves but us! Life doesn't (end) with kids,it (begins) Your decision to have children,wasn't a promise to stop living,It wasn't a pledge to refrain from being yourself or enjoying each day. Like anything else in life,you have to work at being happy. If you don't,nobody else will H..You have to come up with ideas to please you,and keep your marriage happy and thriving.Your husband stays busy,so he won't miss those wonderful moments the two of you had alone together.Make it happen H.. You have two children,and while i'm sure you don't want to leave them with just anyone,i'm sure you can find someone responsible enough to care for them a few hours,a week so you and your husband can spend some time alone.Go to dinner together,or a movie.When you feel confident with the sitter,take a few hours and drive down to the beach together. Suprise him! One of the things I've learned in my marriage,is that us women aren't the only ones that like to still feel we are attractive to our mate.Men are just as vain as we are.They want to know,that we still find them just as attractive and hunky as when we first met them to.They love to hear compliments,and they love it when we make the first move.Soooooo Make that first move.You start interviewing sitters. Find ione you feel comfortable with. Have her come over a few times prior to your leaving the kids,so you can see how she and the kids do together.Then,tell your hubby,you and he are getting away for a little while.As soon as his mouth is no longer agape,you can tell him,that you feel the two of you need to take some time alone together once in a while. If he hums and haws,Tell him the computer and dvds will still be there when you get back.Remember H.,you make your own happiness.Now go out there and take some. I wish you the best. J.

Talk to your husband, get a baby sitter, and make time for yourselves. Sometimes you need an adult dinner or movie...it doesn't take long, but it will make a difference.

My dear, talk to your friends. I know it is hard to rely on them for babysitting, but they understand you and will gladly step in to help you. Both of my neighbors and I have that deal - we do try to hire outside babysitters, but when we just need a few hours out, we work together because we share about our relationships and want each other to be happy. I am positive that if you talk to them, they will babysit for you so that you and your husband can have some time. Even one night every other week - your family is your priority, which is centered on your marriage. Be sure to take time with your husband alone, to renew your relationship and revitalize you for your children.

I know you are hesitant to leave your children with a sitter, but please try it! Your husband, like you, is probably feeling stressed and emotionally burnt out. The first time you leave your kids you may be worried about them the whole time, but it gets easier and easier. My husband and I get that way sometimes, too, and we find that a break from our son is just what we need, even if we're not "intimate" as you put it. Sometimes it's nice to just go out to dinner and go for a walk and HOLD HANDS. You don't realize how much you miss little things like that until you do it again.

YOu need a break, Mommy!! It seems like it's "all work" and no time for yourself. My suggestion is that you join a MOM's group or MOPS and connect with other women who are going through the same issues. I thought MOPS was so rewarding when my babies were small. I think it will help you feel better about where you are...cause it is overwhelming when the babies are little. I think it will help refresh you and help you tackle the issues with your hubby. Good luck, sweetie!!

Get counseling with your pastor, like now. You guys (with a church background) of all people should know the trap you are falling into. Kids are great and they are blessings BUT you can't forget who you two are together and who you were before them. Pray for him, pray together for strength and that the Lord would stir up fire into your marriage again. Lean on each other, work together not against each other, you are partners in life!!! God Bless, keep on keepin on!!!!

H.,

You are not alone. It's a tough job raising kids, maintaining a healthy marriage and staying sane. Having you ever heard of staying in for a date? Once the kids are asleep, prepare a special time for you and your husband. You can dress up (as fancy or not as you like). set the table and have a cup of coffee, or a special dessert. spend time talking about each other--what you've done when you were apart, goals in life, etc.

also, have to you told your husband about how you're feeling? sometimes they just need to hear it cuz they really aren't aware. if you've shared your feelings with him and he's still not hearing your needs, try talking to a counselor either at church or another professional.

and remember, we're here for you at mamasource!

You have some options but options are based on his willingness to sacrifice and/or yours. The most important thing to consider is that you must take care of yourself before the kids so you can be there for them...this sounds selfish and I have spent years going through the motions before I finally realized that there is some truth to this. As moms, you and I both know that deep down our kids come before us but we still need to do things for our own well being in order for everyone involved to be happy. An unhappy or depressed mom makes life harder for everyone. So some options...

1. Diligently schedule family time and adult time with your husband that comes before anything including him meeting the needs of the church. It doesn't matter how much he helps the other families in the church if he isn't devoting time to his own family. Don't ask for hours on end but 1 hour of family time a couple days a week and 1 hour of adult time a couple days a week. Surfing the web and watching DVD's is something that should be done after he meets the needs of his family or something he can do with his family. A man cannot guide a congregation if he cannot lead his family. I am not religious but that is common sense and part of leading a family is being part of that family in joyous times. I am not attacking your husband because I know his job is demanding but the bible does preach a lot about family and guiding the family.

2. Consider going to work and putting the kids into a nice home daycare where they can be socialized outside of the home and you can make some extra money and feel a sense of value for your work. Honestly you don't get the same sense of value at home as you do in a job. Even a part time job would give you a sense of being human again. Being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world and I tried and tried numerous times but I wasn't fulfilled enough to give my family what they needed and quite frankly I was depressed. Luckily I am able to pay for daycare and housekeeping so I can just come home and enjoy my husband and son...you have a good network of people that can help being as you are involved in church.

The most important thing I can tell you is to open the lines of communication and express your needs because you are human and deserve to be happy. Sometimes our husbands think everything is going great because it seems like we are holding it all together but they don't know that we are falling apart inside. When they know you need the help that they are offering others they usually step up to the plate and offer it. I can tell that your husband is the kind of man who likes to feel needed because he took a job that requires that need so express your needs in a productive way and he should have no problem pitching in. I know from experience that men are "if it's not broken, don't fix it" and "if it needs some TLC, I am all there to offer it"...it's all about how you approach it. Men don't want to be criticized for their actions but still feel like they are needed. I wish you and your family all the best.

Hi Hase, where you are at right every women either has or will be there at some point in their married like. With out preaching to you, you mentioned that your husband is a servant of God, as Chriatians one of the ways we serve God is through the way we communicate, protect, and serve are family's, you mentiond your husband is one way at church but different at home, well at church it easy to put on a mask, and appear to be doing well spiritually to those around us, but in all honestly who we are at home is who we are period.

Now as a married couple you need time togeter, I can't imangine, beonging to a church, and there is no one you would leave your kids with to have some time with your husband, my husband and I are Bible talk leaders in our church, and we have counceld young couples, in our church and outside of our church, and over the 17 years I have seen many marriages get the help they need through the church. So maybe you can get help through your church as well, but were all out here as well. You need to find a close friend you can trust to watch your kids, and plan a date with your husband, start with dinner and a movie, plane it out either call your husband at work or give his a personal invitation get creative and put some passion back in the relationship, don't wait for your husband, becasue unless he has been taught to do this, he won't, my husband has been taught through marriage classes and marriage retreats, but for the man who has not had all of that he won't have a clue what to do, so you have to do it. It's not about you being happy with your life while your husband is busy with his, The day you two got married you became one, so it's not about your life and his life, it's about the marriage and the family. it's Ok for you to your hobbies, and for your husband to have his hobbies, at some point during the day/week hopely day you got to come back together as one. I would love to talk to you furthur, I have been where you are right now and beyond, and I don't have all the answers but I know what worked for us, and my husband and I know where to get the answers, and that's one of the reasons why we have been married for 27 years, raised 3 awesome kids together, and a day does not go by that we don't laugh together. My e-mail is ____@____.com J. L.

The best way to help this is for you to get involved in what makes you happy. This really helped me when I was feeling alone and not connected with my husband. Sometimes we look to someone else to make us happy which in turns makes us recent that person, when really it's us that needs to look for happiness within ourself. Maybe a mom's group or woman's church group to connect and share that you are not alone. This will alleviate some of the hurt sooner than later and then work on more time with the husband. It is such a tough balance.

The thing is; this is no job for sissies! This is the hardest job you will ever do (emotionally, spiritually and physically) but rest assured it does get better from here and it will be worth it, if you can continue to keep the kids the priority over yourself. You know the key to Christianity is love and self-less-ness. It's the only way to be a good mom. I'm just thinking how very blessed you are. He GOES to church and cleans house. I envy you. It is normal for the marriage to feel the strain of the kids, but it will get better.

If you are not a member of any playgroups, you should consider joining so that you and your son(s)can get out during the day and participate in events with other SAHM and their kids.

As for your issues with your husband, If you have tried talking to him and expressing these feelings to him with no success then I would suggest looking into marriage counseling(if you haven't already).

I wish you all the best.

Where was this website when I needed answers? ....
We do wonder what happened as the time goes by in the 9-5 tasks of our lives ... yet, sometimes in all the time, we have to communicate with others to support our family .... we forget to communicate with each other.

Reading what you've said, states many important things you want him to know. If faith prevails, faith will support your love for your family to give stregth that you can speak with your heart and face these issues together. Doubt is very hardening if you have these questions and feelings. You see, you are not just questioning the marriage, but noted being "little bit tired of motherhood(taking care of kids, sleepless nights, endless chores, sometimes sick kids:)

Perhaps, if you are not ready to sit down with hubby, then you may want to talk with your doctor about seeing someone about feeling depressed. You aren't alone .....