In a Lonely Marriage....

S., I believe that you are going through what most young married couples go through. I have been married for 15 yrs and have weathered many storms in my own marriage. First thing to realize, that it takes two to make a marriage work, and that some of the problems may be emotional issues that you are going through.

I say this because I see you have a very young baby. When my second child came my oldest was only 3 1/2 yr. too and I seemed tired and unhappy all the time. After a few months of feeling this way I spoke with my doctor, I simply had the baby blues, just knowing this made a huge difference and I was able to work through it.

Now to the communication between you and your husband, this is a very important part of a marriage. However, you can not force some one to talk, but you can gently lead conversations in the right direction. But you must understand, and it took me a long time to get this, when my husband comes home from a long day at work he just wants to unwind. He told me once that he has talked to people all day and that it really has nothing to do with me he just needed to relax for a bit.

Once I understood this, I wanted him to be happier at home I began giving him his time to shake off his day at work. But at the same time I talked with him about how I felt, simply that I was lonely after being home all day with two little ones and that I needed to have time with him to talk or cuddle…anything! When we fought over this issue we never heard each other, so both of us felt lost.

Now we have a system, when he comes home he is able to come in and do something he enjoys for about 30 min to an hour. Of course he gives his hello kisses and stuff but I do not push any issues with him when he first walks in the door. After this time that we as a couple decided on together, he spends time with the kids and I. One thing I have noticed is that he does not take that long to start talking to me.

No one wants to walk in a door after a long day and have a whole lot of something thrown at them, but at the same time you have been alone and need that reassurance that he loves and cares. Marriage is a juggling act of two people’s emotions and feelings; the trick is to keep both of your feelings and needs in the picture.

By allowing my husband his time to unwind he is much more attentive to things that happen in my day. I whole heartily believe that you two do need a date night at least once a month. Some alone time just for you two. I also know that that can be tricky with little ones and no one to baby-sit. So a fun simple thing you can do is plan a late night dinner with him, after the kids are in bed. Do the cooking together, light some candles and enjoy some time even if it is just 1 hour before the wee one wakes for a feeding or diaper change!

Also, remember to have some alone time for yourself, just as my husband is granted his time to unwind I need mine too. So on the weekends or one of his days off he takes over with the kids so I can lock myself in the bathroom, light candles put on some soft music and soak in a long hot bath. I also try to go out with a friend once a month for a couple of hours, nothing big really maybe a lunch or dinner out while daddy stays home and takes care of kids.

One thing about this is that my husband now has respect for me and what I do because he always says, “I don’t know how you do this,” just as I don’t know how he can work long hard hours. So we now respect the hard work that each of us do.

My Gramma always said that the first 10yrs of marriage are really really hard because there isn't much money and there are babies everywhere (they had 5 daughters).

It's so important to make time for each other even if it's just 30minutes when he gets home from work.

My husband and I made it a habit to occupy the kids with a favorite video (baby eienstien or signing time) for half an hour go into our bedroom shut the door and just spend time with each other talk, or just cuddle (no sex required LOL) It really helps us to stay connected.

Now that the weather is warming up could you walk to the library for story time, or go to a park sometimes you can meet other Stay at Home Moms who are in the same boat.

Dear S. C.

Iam a counselor...I and my husband use to counsels couples for pre-marital counseling. I now counsel women and married couples and have for about 25 yrs. I have to adult daughters and six grandsons. I share that with you so you know I am someone with experience responding to your question.

First, it would be wonderful for you and your husband to seek marriage counseling. I caution you to be sure this is someone whose goal is to "restore" marriage with much conviction. I say that because some will advise divorce much to soon.

Your husband is probably feeling alone as well. He may feel that all he does is work. You do need to talk to him! To many times couples don't deal with issues until there are so many walls built up, which causes many to believe they don't love each other anymore. When we get married we committe to love and respect this person no matter how we feel. It's a decision we make no matter how "we feel". We can't live by our feelings. Those "love feelings" come and go and that's normal. I've been married 46 yrs. and I know I love my husband, but I have had times when I didn't "feel like it".

This is what I tell women who come to me about the same issue you have shared. Take time to put your thoughts together. Then wait until the children are in bed. Approach your husband something like this: "honey, I need to share something with you. Do you have time to listen to me? I have something heavy on my heart." When you approach him this way he doesn't feel threatened or a need to defend. Then begin by saying..."I'm so proud of you for all the hard work you are doing to provide for us. I miss you so much and I wonder if we can come up with a plan to spend at least one day a week together. I'm hoping you miss me too. I want to know if there is anything I can do to help you as well." Wait for a responds.....hopefully he will respond is a positive way. Be sure you give him your full attention. You see S., all men desperately need to be respected, especially by their wives. If they don't get it from us, they will tend to gravitate to where they will get it. Be it at work, with friends etc. Many people think that respect should be given when it's deserved or it must be earned....not true....just like "love" it is to be unconditional. Trust is what is to be earned. I hope I have been some help...I would like to give you a web site that can be of great help, marriagetoday.org

You really need to talk to your hubby. He has no way of knowing how lonely you feel unless you tell him. At the end of the day when he's so tired, he has no clue you NEED him. Make that clear to him, that his attention to you is a NEED in your life right now. You are a young mom, you just had a baby and post partum can come in varying degrees. It sounds like the lonliness is amplified by a little PPD. You aren't alone in your quest for companionship. My husband works 80-100 hours a WEEK from April through mid November. We've been married for 7 years now and it doesn't get any easier as time goes by.I know your pain, I'm out in the country and don't have many friends. When I start to become too lonely, I simply tell my husband and we try to arrange some time together. Even an extra half hour at the end of the night helps.

If you have a church or school with in a mile or two, start walking there. Find out if there is a group you can join to meet other moms in your area. You'd be surprised, there are many mom's looking for friends that would be willing to drive to YOU or to pick you up for an outting. We've all been there on Lonely Street. Good Luck !!!

Hi S.,
I understand how hard it can be when you feel like your all alone. I was just wondering how long before you got married were you and your husband together? Did you know before you got married that (as you put it) his communication skills suck? or did you two talk more? Maybe you could try arranging a evening out with just you and him. This would be a wonderful way for you two to connect again. (lots of room for talking) Is there anyone (family) that could maybe take your girls even over night. I'm not sticking up for your husband, but he is probably feeling some pressure or stress with work and maybe he doesn't want to burden you with worry so he doesn't say anything. Women sometimes forget that even though the men in there lives seem to have it easier, by leaving to go to work and not being home all day with the children, but he is working just as hard to try and make things better for you and your girls. As far as you worrying that someday you will get divorced, you shouldn't think so negatively. I know things seem rough now but I'm sure with time and a little patience things will work themselves out. It just sounds like you two need to find a way to reconnect again as a couple.
I hope things work out for you. Take care and think positively.
L.

S.,
My heart goes out to you. I could've written what you did. Your advantage over me is 1. you've recognized an imbalance early on enough to take action, 2. you have a job, etc, to fall back on.
If I say "Get counselling", there's the issue of not being able to get there. Would you have someone to watch your child who would let you use her car? The alternative is a taxi.
In any case, it could be that when your husband sees that you are very serious, he'll realize what's at risk and make some adjustments. It takes realizing what they might lose for them to want to hold onto it. It sounds like it won't be too late.
Others aren't as fortunate.
Good luck! And find courage!

I think you should talk to him about getting yourself a car. The number one reason (and he can't argue with this) is for the kids. They have to be able to go places and experience things! Of course, this will benefit you too since you'll be able to see other adults.

You should definitely talk to him about seeing a councilor - even if just you go at first. If you don't know how or don't have time to talk to him - write him a letter! Letters are a wonderful way to say something that you're not sure how to say since you can edit and change them before the reader ever gets it! Even if you want to say it in person - write it down so you know how you're going to approach it. You'll feel more confident and less likely to say something to spark a fight if you know what you're going to say.

I hope you get the help you need. Explain to him that you ARE NOT happy and something has to change. While you appreciate all he does so that you can stay home with the kids, YOU need adult time too. If you had a car, you could get out and interact with other moms & friends & family.

Dear S.,
I feel your pain. I am that 52 year old lady whose husband decided that after the kids were up and out of the picture, it was fine to move on. So many things I could have done, I did not do. First, I didn't know who "me" was. I got married for all the wrong reasons: security, family, future...etc. I strongly urge you both to speak with a qualified family counselor to learn how to communicate effectively. You have expectations that he is not meeting and he likely has the same, but neither of you knows how to communicate them or even necessarily what they are. He is not the sole answer to your loneliness. He is not your identity. Get a copy of "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. Also, strongly consider going to a counselor for yourself. You need to be the strongest person you can be in order to take care of all the responsibility you have. It would be very easy to try to assign blame for the problems you are experiencing, but in a good counseling situation, you will learn to deal rather than blame. Next, find a playgroup for your older daughter and as she gets older, your younger daughter as well. This is an excellent chance for you to connect with other women in your age group and circumstance. I wish you best of luck. I would strongly recommend that you find a church that you can affiliate with and become part of the community. My church is the Chelsea Church of the Nazarene, and we actively seek to support and educate young members of the community to help them know and have a relationship with Christ.
Be strong, and be blessed,
Sincerely,
J.

I know how you feel with the no family or friends around!! Thank God for my sister-in-law, otherwise I would have NO friends here!! You should try and get you and your girls out to a playgroup or something where you can meet other people!! Check the local schools or libraries!! Obviously your husband works very hard and I'm sure he's tired, but if your marriage is going to work, he needs to realize that it still needs to be top priority! I would take it upon yourself to plan some fun family activities or even a date night at least every other week. If he chooses to be involved, then good. If not, then you really need to express your feelings to him and see how willing he is to work on things! Also, try to remember that most men express their love to us by being hard workers, they have a hard time understanding that we need a little bit more of that emotional connection!!! Marriage is hard and it's something both people have to work at to make it last!!! I wish you the best!!!!!!

Hi S.,
First, congratulations on choosing to stay home with your young children. As a former educator, I can tell you that you have made a good choice for your young family. You do need to get out and be with other women and/or their children. Are you able to get out in the evening after your husband returns home from work? If so,there is a group of women who meet once a month in the evening for dinner, just to chat, to support one another and get to know new women. There is also a feature such as a fashion show or demonstration of an item and an inspirational speaker. They meet the second Thursday of each month at the Days Hotel which is located downtown Grand Rapids on Pearl St. The name of the group is Grand Rapids After 5. You can contact them at ____@____.com or thru the chair, Betty at ____@____.com is open to all women of all ages in all stages of life. There are is no membership or dues...you can just show up and meet some very friendly supportive women. The next meeting is Thursday, April 10th. Please try to attend. I'm sure you'll enjoy it and you'll meet some wonderful women who will understand and support you through this stage of life. Best wishes, D.

S.,

I also just went through a rough patch with my hubby. He is currently the only one working and I know this stresses him out. I lost my last job in June '07 because of some issues with my stepson, who lives with us. We have no biological children together, but he has two from his previous marriage.

Anyhow, due to the circumstances with his son, it has been difficult for me to find work. Then, in November, we also went down to one car because we could not keep up the insurance and plates on both.

After the first of the year, I was really starting to notice some changes in my husband. He was not communicating with me and nothing I did was right. Hw would also complain that I do nothing all day but play on the computer and why didn't I go find a job.

Well, in my case, I could not get a job outside the home because of only having one car. Between his and my stepson's schedules, it was just not possible and he could not see that.

We did have plenty of arguments, but I finally got him to sit down and talk. I told him I understand how he is feeling and why he may feel the way he does. I also explained to him how I was feeling and why.

A large relief cam when we were finally able to insure his Jeep so we once again have both cars. Now I am looking even more seriously for a job and can actually go on interviews! We have not been arguing nearly as much and the romance is also back!

Find a why for you to get out with some other adult contact, even if it is play dates for the kids. That gives you time to spend with ther moms.

Find some time with your husband when you can get him to sit down and listen to you while trying not to get too emotional in the process (I have this problem, hopefully you do not!). Things will improve! It may just take time.

Hope this helps some!
N.

I'm not married but have been with the same wonderful man for the last 6 1/2 years and we have a little boy who will be turning 2 in June 2008, If you haven't tried weighing your options, then it sounds like now would be a good time to try it. first sit and write everything good on one page, then turn page so you can't see the good stuff and start writing the bad stuff, you'd be suprised as to how much of the same stuff shows up on both pages! Now sit and think to yourself about all that bothers you, now put yourself in a time warp, will this stuff matter in a year? if the answer is no then that is small stuff that you don't need to sweat. I did the counseling scene I told my boyfriend that it was either that or I was gone cuz I was sick of not being happy. We still fight as do all couples it's healthy for the relationship in moderation. If you two really love each other and are willing to work together things will work out, but you BOTH have to work at it not just you..good luck and phone calls are free call a womens resource center you can always talk to a person about how you feel especially when its a dreaded feeling of loss, talking helps, give it a try.

Your story really touched my heart. I went through the same issue when we moved to another state for my husband's job, I had no family nearby, I had 2 children 18 mos apart and my husband traveled for work M-F and was only home on weekends. He is also a wonderful man who I love dearly but I was very angry at him. I thought my marriage was bad but I later came to realize that it was that time in our lives when we had so much stress of caring for these two babies. Children put a huge stress on the marriage. That's just the way it is. It will pass, please believe that. Mine are 4 and 3 now and it is so much easier than it was 3 years ago, they play together and entertain each other.
What saved me ws that I joined a Mothers group at our church called Mothers of preschoolers (MOPS). They had childcare and wonderful speakers and counselors on marriage and childrearing. I cannot tell you how much it lifted my mood. It was a relief to know that other Mothers were struggling with the same issues and we helped each other. Other things you need are a sitter or going to the gym that has childcare so you can get a break. Excercise helps improve your outlook and you deserve a break. Nobody can care for babies 24/7 without a break. Take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of children. It does get better! Believe in your marriage. You picked this man for good reasons. I know so many friends who are divorced and dealing with custody arrangements and financial problems and they are so much more unhappy and stressed than when they were married. You are a normal person in a stressful time of life. Please believe and I will lift you up with positive thoughts:) You are doing great work.

Hi S.! My suggestion is dont give up on communicating! No matter what! My marriage of 26yrs wound up divorcing, alot of it was lack of communication over the yrs, so have u tried getting him to go for a walk with just u or as a family? Perhaps getting out of the house together and just enjoying each others presence would open the door of comunication. Is his work going good for him, does he have alot of stress from it?? Maybe on his day off u could plan a day trip for all of u to go on, whether its a picnic, a zoo or something that u know u would all enjoy. Does he feel threatened by your schooling u have been pursuing? Do u attend church at all? IF so perhaps there is a group for couples or perhaps the two of u would be comfortable talking with the pastor of your church? S. if u do feel yourself getting depressed, then get a lil help for your self dont let it linger on to long. I went thru horrible depression thru my divorce and i wouldnt recommend what i went thru to anyone! If u feel edgy- anxiety there is a natural item u can get, its not addictable no side effects at all and not expensive. U can get it any Walmart, Miejers, WAlgreens, Riteaide, even grocery stores carry it in their vitamin area! It has helped me tremendesly its called St.Johnswort !!! A friend of mine told me about it when she realized how bad i was emotionally, it truly saved me!! I still have some anxiety once and a while and i still use the st.johnswort almost daily, it just helps keep a good level of a well being. That probly doesnt make sense to u , it just helps keep the edgeiness of things from excelerating. I hope u will find some peace and rember u S. are a good person and wonderful mom and wife!!! God puts us thru tests sometimes in our lives for what reason we wonder? Usually it makes us stronger indivduals to make it thru life itself and to show our children we can be strong, but very loving at the same time!! Keep yor chin up and keep the door to comunicate always open, for your husband and your children will learn from it also! Good luck and i will pray for u and your family. God Bless!
S.

yes you are not alone. I have been going through the same thing since our son was born. My husband is a wonderful person but he doesn't get that sometimes we need more then baby talk and laundry to get us through the day. I fortunatley have a car but my little one is hard to take places because everyone elses children are all grown up so he detroys their house because it is not baby proof any more and so all I do if we go anywhere is chase him like a crazy person and still don't actually get any grown up time and he still does not get to play with anyone his own age there usually are play groups in the area once a month. I know its not much but sometimes it help a little. You need to get a car. It won't be perfect or make your hubby a better father or communicator but maybe it won't bother you as much and if you are more happy or at least calm with yourself then you can approach your husband a little less defensively and he may listen better if he doesn't feel attacked. Get a babysitter, even if your staying home. just for a few hours and do a couple of things you want to do. I have a problem leaving my son still so my husband told me that even though I'm home I could still hire my neice to just keep him occupied so I could clean and organize our house better then with him underfoot. I haven't done it yet but it sound like a good idea... hope you find the help your lokking for...

After 25 years of marriage I can say that alot of times marriage can be tough but dont give up.

Hi! I am a children's ministry director at a church that meets at Lanse Cruese Middle school East. I believe that is a few minutes from your house. My church is Living Hope of the Bay (www.livinghopeofthebay.com). It's a great, casual, comfortable place that is very welcoming. Cindi C mentioned a church family might be a good idea, and I wholeheartedly agree. A good support network is vital to any marriage and helpful in just about any situation. I understand that you have car issues, based on one of the posts, and would love to offer to pick up you and your kiddos if needed on a Sunday so you can come and visit. One of the other things, is that my pastor might be willing to give you some marriage counseling...just a thought. I'm pretty sure you can click on my name and get my email address, if you want to come and visit my church or get more info about possibly meeting with the Pastor. We're also starting marriage enrichment classes out in a few weeks. Here's the info I have for it "LOVE TALK"
Communication with the one you love is more than a mere exchange of words, even if done with elegant skill. Communication, if used to full advantage, holds the promise of bringing soul mates together at a level so profound that anyone on the outside can never truly comprehend it. And that kind of communication can happen wherever you find yourself in marriage at the moment.

Will you and your mate join us for this six session series? “Love Talk” will meet Sunday mornings, 8:45-9:45am, at Middle School East. Child care is provided. Please sign up at the “Get Connected” table in the lobby on Sunday mornings.

Let me know! I'll be praying for your marriage!

Well, you are in a tough situation. Obviously, you seem to love your husband, so how will you both work this out? You must get out since you waitress part time? You did not say if you live in a town with preschool activities through a library. If there is one go to that. Being a restaurant manager is time consuming. If you worked more could your husband cut back on some hours so the both of you would have more time? When my husband worked long hours he did not want to do anything either because he was just glad to be home and do nothing. On a day off the two of you need to try and make some decisions on how things could change. Maybe you need to be as direct with your husband as possible. Don't go into a long story but think about the basic needs you want to express to him. Try clear short messages and then see how he reacts. You may only be able to address one thing at a time even though you want to spill your guts. Do you have someone you can talk everything out with? This really could just be a very rough patch both of you need to work through. You are newly married and don't seem to have much time to get to know each other.

Hi S., first I would like say congratulations on your husband and children. It is one of the God's greatest gifts to be able to love and have gratification of being loved by so many. Juggling a family, a career and school can be quite a demand on you, and your husband working a lot of hours does at to it also. What my husband and I would do after a grueling week, is shut off the tv, put the radio on very low (back ground noise) and just talked. (after the kids were to bed) Sometimes, I would put notes out for him to read in his lunch or some place where he would notice them and read them. We would make a date once a month and go out just so we could spend time together.

Good thing for you, you have the internet to get you into a different place for a little bit, I wish I had it when my little ones were little.

Good luck to you S.. I hope to hear from you from time to time.

J.

I totally hear where you're coming from. We moved an hour and a half away from my friends. Now my only friends are at work. I find myself feeling pretty low sometimes.
Once a week I go to the fake and bake and that little bit of simulated sun helps lift my spirits. I also purposely pick books that put my head in a good place. Kind of like pretending your the sassy chick who's searching for her soul mate...a chick flick works too sometimes.
I also, even when I'm not in the mood, throw myself all over my husband. The release and the intimacy makes us both feel good about our relationship. If he's too tired to play, then you really have a problem :)
Know you are not alone! Hope it all works out for ya!
K.

Hi S., I've been in your shoes. My 3 children were only 1&1/2 years apart. My ex traveled with his job, he worked 8days on and 6days off. On his days off he went hunting and fishing because he said he deserved it for working so hard. In his mind I did nothing but sit around watching soap oprahs and eating bon bons all day. My youngest child was cronically ill, and day cares wouldn't take him because of it. My ex thought nothing was wrong either. With out a partner working with you on a relationship, there isn't one at all. Marriage is hard work! Dating should never stop. Try leaving him notes about how you feel. Let him know that it takes two to make a marriage work. If that doesn't work, than I would suggest getting counseling for just you. Find out why this is OK with you, allowing another person to walk all over you. This is what I did, and it is the best present I ever gave myself! I addressed my low self asteem, divorced my husband, and moved on with my life. Today I know that I would prefere to be happy alone than miserable with somebody else. My children were being hurt even more than I was in that situation, and I was allowing that sad situation to affect them. To this day, their father is still out of touch with them, and they are all grown up and on their own now. It was my ex's problem to begin with, but I was the one who allowed it to become mine and my childrens by staying. I wish you the best. It is a hard situation to be in. S.

Hi S., I was in your spot many years ago. I am in my forties now. Being a stay at home mom can be quite a challenge. When our daughter was born we moved out of state because of my husband's job. We moved away from all of our family & friends so I was feeling pretty lonely. One thing I knew for sure, I didn't like it that way! We also had 1 car. So I asked myself, "what are my options?" I mustered up my courage, I put my daughter in the stroller and I went out into the neighborhood to find other stay at home moms. This was in no way an easy thing to do, but necessary (for my own sanity.) We also got invloved with going to Church on Sunday's which allowed me the opportunity to get to know other Mother's. When you take a step out and challenge yourself to be the first, it's amazing how many other women you can meet in the same situation. Getting involved with local mom groups also helps. You can even express the fact that you don't have transportation and see if there is anyone willing to give you a ride. You can also find a friend that you can swap babysitting hours with so that you can have some time to yourself. I have found that happiness begins with others really begins with being happy with ourselves. Friends are valuable! They lend an ear, the share a tear, a good cup of coffee, and some needed laughter. Hang in there, persevere, and be bold!

I am a grandmother of a 2 1/2 year old and a 6 month old so I know how busy your days are. I have been married for 25 years in Aug. and I know about rocky times in a marriage. I have found that through out the years when I could not get him to understand what was going on with me!!! or we would have a fight and I was ready to throw in the towel. I would sit down (when you get the time) and write him a letter explaining how I was feeling. Sometimes you have to step back from the situation, you only get upset and he doesn't seem or act like he even cares. So writing a letter helped because sometimes when you are trying to get them to understand how you are feeling and what is happening to the two of you, you just end up in a argument which does't help. I also found that writing the letter helped me just because I was able to get my feeling out. I hope this helps.

Aww... S., you sound starved for affection!

You don't say if you have neighbours closer than half an hour away... this might be a good time in your life to dust off your 'making friends' lessons from kindergarten, and go neighbour-hunting. If you are in a wholly-residential area (I know lots of people who are), and you don't have drop-in mom & tot programs at a local rec centre or library or coffee shop or anywhere that people might gather which make it easy, you only have the people who are also at home during the day. Imagine that there may be even just one other mom staying at home for every 10 houses around you... and she doesn't know you exist, either.

There are low-committment ways of connecting with neighbours, but all of them require being outside and visible (so not outside behind a 6' fence)... in the summer it's a lot easier to just be outside without any real purpose, but even in the winter: walking around at the same time every day along the same route (becoming a familiar stranger is a good way to get to know others), going to the playground every day and asking others you meet there (moms or nannies or even dads) about the children they're with is low-key and may result in good friendships developing by fall. It does help a lot to be 'regular' so others can 'accidentally' run into you often if they want to without needing to make arrangements.

Walking around you may find yourself going past the nice old lady or couple clearing their walk, sweeping off their car, taking the dog out for a walk, or getting the yard ready for spring planting... and later washing the car, having a garage sale, painting some summer furniture... just being 'out' routinely and becoming people you know. Often, retired people don't have their children and grandchildren anywhere near them (or never had kids) and are welcoming with no time limits to lonely moms and the noises of their children.

If you are half an hour away from people, period, you need to start enticing all the friends and family you know who *have* cars into coming and visiting for the day, for lunch, for an hour every week. Ask them to come and help you with a big project (clearing out closets, spring cleaning or getting ready for a garage sale), or tell them that you're trapped and lonely and need someone to do home visits for a while until you can afford a car or until you make friends in your neighbourhood. Most people are dying to help, don't want to offend you by offering, and would love to 'take care of you' in a way that they feel pays you back for what a great friend you are. Who knows, they may even totally jazz on the idea of getting to know your kids as they grow.

I would suggest that you do both, even if you have coffee shops and libraries around you...

I know how you feel as far as being lonely. My only family lives 9 hours away, and I am here in the town my husband grew up in- just me and our 15 month old daughter. You HAVE to get him to counseling! I think it's the only way he will acknowlege that something is truly wrong. Make him do things with the family-ask him if he really wants the kids to remember him this way. That is what I have done and my husband has spent much more time with the baby one on one, and with myself. We have family game night at least once a week, and I make him sit at the dinner table to eat-even though he would much rather be in front of the tv. Hope these suggestions help.

All I can say is force him to talk - about his day, any funny (or annoying) customers that sort of thing. Share your day with him, funny things the girls did, that sort of thing. There are times when my husband and I won't talk a whole lot - but we're both there together should something comes up. I see that he's a resturaunt manager - I can sympathize with the food service industry. My husband was a chef when we had our first daughter. When I went back to work full time he had a breakdown, near suicidal attempt and quit that job. Communication during that time was rough, we stuck it out and have worked on it over the 5 years that we have been married. It's hard when your spouse won't talk - you just have to get him talking, even if it's you asking questions and him answering them. Once you open the doors, it will hopefully get easier.

S. I don;t know where you live but you might look for a play group you can join to give you something to do with your kids. I work only 16 hours a week and stay at home mom the rest of the time and I find it hard to find things to talk about unless we get out and about during the day. I am found the Muskegon MI area and have a great play group if you live nearby and want to check it out. I am 27 and may husband and I got married the same time as you. We have a 17 month old. I think it'd be good for you and your husband to get out and meet some couples that you can go out with some times even if it's only one a month. You can e-mail me at ____@____.com if you'd like to ge4t together sometime and don't live to far away.

I can remember the days well when I felt like you. I even wrote my husband a letter and left it on his pillow basically saying I didn't get married to live alone. He is a basketball coach and the recruiting gets crazy in March and April. Infact out of the 30 days in April he was gone 29 one year. I tried to be understanding, but it was still lonely. We too only had one car and I had two little girls. One night he came home only to say he was going out again to another high school game. I rarely made eye contact with him because I just felt he didn't care about my feelings. He ask what me and the girls were going to do that evening and I sorta disgustingly said well I think we'll build a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmellows and pretend we're having a picnic. At that moment I looked up to see his reaction and the look on his face was so sad, he said, "I sure wish I could stay home and do that!" At that moment I realized it was his job to recruit as that is the life blood of their program in college. I said, "You can't you have to recruit!" Here the tables had turned and I was now telling him he had to go. I sorta laugh today when I remember it, but I realized that he wasn't choosing his job over us, and that he did love us and want to be with us. Most men when they are young and scratching out a living have to put in long hours. The women are left are to most of the child rearing. It's not the best arrangement for having a family, but it seems like that's just the way it is. I tried to take the girls to all his basketball games and explain to them that this is what Daddy does so that they have a roof over their head, food and clothing and toys. I made sure they never resented their father or his job. I tried never to undermine what he was doing. A woman gets her self esteem from her family, a man gets his from his job. If I were you, I'd take a bus or taxi at least once a week and go to his restaurant for lunch or dinner. Make it a night that is usually slow at the restaurant so that perhaps he'll be able to sit down and eat with you all. Just a thought. Try and be happy and loving just the little time you are with him. You don't have to talk alot just sit next to him and snuggle up. I have now been married to my guy 42 years and we made it thru 5 children, 5 colleges, 5 weddings and now 10 grand children. If you love him, it's worth it. You know they say ... if you want him to be more of a man.....trying being more of a woman.
C. S. p.s. Once I wrapped up a little present every day for a week with little love notes in each one, just telling him how much I appreciate him and his hard work. You get the idea.

I am experiencing a little of this myself. I joined a gym (Curves for Women) mostly for the adult conversation. That has really helped a lot. I attend the one in Brighton, MI. We also have a "lunch club" made of members of that gym.

L.

I think that this is just one of those tough times in your life where you are going to have to deal with some struggles. However, if you attend a church, you may wish to push the counseling with your husband a little more and maybe see your minister/priest. Make your spouse hear you and let him know how you feel. Make sure he understands that you do not blame him for anything, that this is going both ways and you know that you are both working very hard and that this is just a tough time. You have a 3 month old - so I know you are tired - so between having two children (one very young) you are definitely lonely, and could also very well be suffering some signs of post-partum depression. This is something that can come on any time within a year after having a baby. And, with you being isolated with the two children you certainly SHOULD BE going a little crazy.

You should check into local resources, such as mom's groups/clubs in your area or at area churches. I belong to a great mom's group in my community and we have play groups, as well as mom-only activities. This has been a great resource for me with my two children (which are about the same age difference as your two children).

You definitely need to communicate with your husband your feelings, just do not come out blaming him for anything - try to make him feel like you need him to work with you to figure out how to make this work without going crazy.

Best of luck - L.

Okay, wow, all I have to say is that you are not the only women who goes through this. So know that you are not alone. The best advice that I can give you is to keep talking it out. And try not to let fear and the 'what ifs' get in the way. Which believe me I KNOW is hard. Also, how far do your friends and family members live? Could someone come to you even once a month to give reprieve?

Take it easy and know that you are not Superwoman, unfortunately , neither am I and you have a lot going on right now. With a three year old, a three and a half month old, and waitressing. That's a lot on your plate.

Last year at this time I was also a mommy, of the same ages and working part time. For health reasons, emotional and mental I stopped working retail and chose to stay at home. Now that the baby is now 16 months I'm 'diving' back into work, BUT I've changed it to my own schedule with becoming a Mary Kay Consultant.

Please let me know if I can help in any way possible. Even if you just want to chat with email. Or if you live near the Davison, MI area.

Keep your head up high because you are worth it and your kids need it.

Dear S.,
It sounds as if you are both over-worked and exhausted! How very wise and intuitive of you to realize the future if you don't work on your marriage. God gave you the Holy Spirit to impart that wisdom and it would be a good thing if you began to work at your marriage. You cannot give your husband the effoert it takes to make a great marriage, but you can begin the work. You find a Christian counselor in your area and committ to three or four hours for now. When your husband realizes you are going for counseling, he may(or not)wake up to the fact that a marriage is NOT A FEELING!! A good marriage takes a lot of effort. Communication is a major part of that. I wish I had gone for counseling 20 years ago. Currently, my husband and I have been going to a Christian counselor for two years and we LOVE it. Having been married 28 years with three wonderful boys(one married and 2 in college) we are finding a whole other way to communicate. Sometimes, I'd rather veg-out in front of the television or with a movie rather than talk to him. He feels this urge even more than I after having to deal with 40-50 patients and their ailments three days a week. The other two, he would much rather get his paper work done and have to himself, but we are putting forth the effort because #1- We made a committment 28 years ago,#2- We have a history together #3- We have a responsibility to our children(no matter the age)and #4- We are making history-what about our grandchildren? Our world condones divorce, and although it is never "easy" emotionally, I feel it is way too easy to actually divorce. There are Biblical grounds for divorce, but all too many times,emotions rule in some cases and the effort doesn't seem to be as great. "I just didn't feel the love for her/him anymore" or "I met my soulmate" Give me a break! A soulmate is supposed to be the one to marry for life. Many times my husband and I don't "feel" like we love each other. But it is in those times, we "choose" to be nice to each other, knowing that "feelings" are fleeting. A committment takes effort and is WELL worth the effort for ALL parties involved.S., I'll add you to my prayer list along with Tanaye. I don't do that a lot, usually just general, but I am going to pray that you will seek help now. Find the courage to go forth and that your husband will wake up to your effort, realize the extra work you are doing to make your marriage better and then come along side you and help you. Don't forget, there is someone who loves you MORE than your husband, who created you to be the perfect wife and has the answers. Call on God and He WILL hear your frustrations! God Bless, S. I'll be anxious to see a paragraph in the future where you let us know your marriage was well worth the effort! MS

HI there S.,
Well I would say I have been in that situation. We have only had one car and while he was at work i could do nothing. I had to get up and find friends in my neighborhood. Our houses were somewhat close but i had a lil advantage. My daughter had friends around from school(she is 5) and she wanted to play with her friends so us women found ourselves chatting alot and then going shopping. I guess my question is are you a person that can talk to anyone? If you are that kind of person i would find friends around your house to at least talk to and get out of your house.

I would like you to write me back and let me know if any of this could be something that you could do.
Please
P.

Hi S.,

Im 26 years old and just had a beautiful baby boy 4 months ago. I'm not from here, all my family and friends are in Mexico, my husband is from Michigan.I was also feeling depressed, I still feel like that once and a while. I'm kind of in the same situation that you are, practically by myself because my husband works all day and sometimes goes out of town.- I'm literally bymyself most of the time- There were days that I felt so sad and felt that he didn't understand what I was going through, and I guess he will never know but what I'm trying to tell you is that you probably are a little depressed, like I was... I still struggle once and a while but I think in the positive things that my husband has done for us. Sometimes I feel I want to go running and forget about everything, what keeps me strong is the belief that everything is going to get better, things are going to get easier. When I see him playing with our little one I deeply know this is just a tiny rock on the road that will make our marriage stronger.
You're not alone. I wish you the best!

Hi S.. I'm sorry to hear your dilema. You didn't mention a church family. That would be the best for all of you. God can fill that void while you are working things out. I would suggest finding something your husband loves and start the conversation with that. Find ways to praise him, even in little things. Tell him how much you admire him, and respect him. See if a family member can watch the kids, and the two of you can go somewhere alone, for the day or even the weekend. Marriage gets to be a chore sometimes, but this is how we grow and learn how to meet that need of the spouse. Go to God in prayer continually, and pray for him (husband) continually. Keep a pure and gentle spirit, like it says in 1 Peter 3. God has blessed you with your children and husband, don't think about divorse, don't bring it up to your husband. Try to think possitive thoughts. Play happy music, dance around the house. call a friend or relative when your down. But most of all , if you're not in a church, please pray for God to guide you to the right one, and get involved there. I will be praying for you. God bless. C.

You are a lucky woman! Your husband has a good job and can take care of you and your children! First of all, it is way too soon to start worrying about divorcing at 40! Join some groups, church, or a SAHM group, or take a class at your YMCA. Marriage takes work, so be willing to do a lot of trying before you even start to think about calling it quits! Be happy and appreciate your husband has a good job, let him know how much you appreciate him, cook him a good dinner one night after the kids are in bed, light some candles, and relax!

Definitely tell him how you feel and make it a point to take time for eachother throughout the week. Also, make sure that you have time for yourself. Pursue your education - try not to put that on hold for too long. Stretching finances more now and getting into a better paid job with better hours will be easier on you all in the long run than staying where you're at and not getting ahead. (Plus, you'd have a job good enough to support yourself and your kids if anything were to happen.) You do need a vehicle. Maybe it's possible on a couple days a week for you to drop your husband off to work and pick him up, where you'd have the car throughout the day for activities?? At least until you're able to get another car for the family.

Look for the good in things, and really try hard. It's never easy and you don't deserve to be sad or lonely. It's not good for any of you. Start involving yourself in things - whether it's inviting people over, doing things with a church, getting to know your neighbors....anything to have some socializing! And don't forget to take time for your hubby and remember why you love him!!

I read several of the responses - lots of good information. Best wishes and hope you find the thing that works best for you!

Hi S.,
My heart goes out to you. I will make this short. The only control you have is over your own emotions and actions. If you feel you would benefit from counseling, then go yourself. Any attempt to change him will only leave you (and him)frustrated and emotionally drained. I have learned this from experience.

Try a writing journal that both of you use to help. sometimes when one is tired after working and doesnt know how to communicate and things said in the heat of an argument can be hurtful. Also try to set aside time for both of you get a sitter or play date for children and just relax with your mate sometimes the time and not the words is what matters

S.,

In the start of your post you state you are married to a wonderful man. Later on you say his communication skills kinda suck and you are concerned you may end up in a divorce at 40. Hummm? Which is it?

I think your first statement is the correct one. You are married to a wonderful man who takes care of you and the kids. Thats where you need to focus. Believe me you can choose to look at the negitave or the positive in your marriage. Remember to look at the good things and be thankful you are not experiencing the bad things.

You have a husband who provides for you and the kids. There are probably moms on this board who have dead beats for husbands. They have to work to make ends meet while he can barely hold a job. The kids get stuck in day care.

You have beautiful children. there are people on this board who may have lost a child or can't get pregnant.

He isn't cheating on you or beating you. Believe me there are women who are your age and living with both.

If he lacks in communication skills you need to see where he has other positive personality traits and focus on those.

When you have time together do things in your home that you both like. A fancy dinner with a nice table setting. Go for a walk. Ride your bikes with the kids in the back. What sports does he like? Join him even if you don't enjoy them. The point is to try to find some common ground. And most important if you both believe in God go to church or synogog together. When you put the Almighty first in your life then the rest falls into place. The fastest way for a marriage to fail is to focus on self.

You also mentioned you recently had your second child in Dec. You could be experiencing post pardom blues. These are for real. We have also had a LONG winter with little sunshine. Depression can happen from lack of sunlite. When you are depressed it is easy to focus on the negetive. Now that spring is around the corner you should begin to feel better. If you are still feeling depressed by June you may want to talk with you Dr.

It sounds like you have the power to make your marriage work.

A little about me: So I can speak from experience. I am 53 and had 6 children 5 are still living. I married my 1st husband when I was 19 we were married for 11 yrs. He had a weekness for women. Needless to say our marriage did not last. I am married to Bob we have been together for 22 yrs. I am an extreme extrovert he is an introvert. Get the picture. If I focused on his minimal communication with me I could easily be come miserable. I am very thankful, when he married me I had 3 small children. He took care of them both emotionally and financially. Their father never gave us any help, he dropped out of their lives. Bob has done his best to love and take care of me. He is my best friend and I am very thankful.

Hi S., I too was in a similar situation with my first husband, which did eventually end in divorce when my children were 15, 12 and 9. I still feel sadness that my marriage ended and we didn't try. I really strongly encourage you to find a reliable, mature person that you could trust to babysitt the girls at least once or twice a month (can be only for 2 hours) so you and your husband can have some quality time together. Please try to find a way and let your husband know that you see your relationship fading and need some time alone with him. Life gets away from us especially when we are busy working and raising a family. Men have a hard time admitting there is a problem in their marriage. Good luck and don't give up. If you still have love in your heart for him, then do whatever it takes to rekindle your marriage. I will pray for you. M.

Keep being strong! Here are a few ideas-though I am sure you have gotten tons already.
1- start going on a date with your husband every week. Try to rekindle your relationship. No kids; try for no movies at first.
2- always thank him. try not to nag or order him around (these are things I have been guilty of)
3- try to be happy. Maybe he senses your unhappiness and feels like a failure. If he is not happy at work and sees you are not happy, any man would feel like a failure.
4- read the proper care and feeding of husbands by dr. laura. Her proper care and feeding of marriage is good too.
5- try to simplify your life. we all run ourselves ragged until there is nothing left for our family. Since your husband is already super busy, try to cut back on the things that you do that make you so tired. But also, make sure to take care of yourself (the balance is so hard sometimes)

Good luck.

-T.

It can get very lonely when you have no adult contact in your life. We love our children, but they can't fulfill our need for companionship. I wish I had an answer to solve this, but many of us struggle with this issue. What has worked for me is that when my husband has a day off I plan outings for us as a family. I try to get us out of the house. It seems as if when we are home we don't comunicate with eachother. I get busy he wants his time and we drift or bicker over stupid things. SO even if it is only a couple of hours of shopping for stuff we need we do it together. We talk in the car and in the stores and it is much easier to have a good chat when your out of the house. Try talking when you resent the fact your doing the dishes again and you are going to bicker. Talk while going to do something fun and you may talk about having fun. I know this seems silly and it may not help with how busy you two are, but I do hope you will try it. It is good to get out of the house and do things together. You already spend so much time in the house you will go crazy if you spend more. Find a way to get out. Spring is coming and get outside. I just hope your husband will get out with you more often. Don't push to hardd and you may have to do some things he likes to build the habit. Good luck and I hope lots of people send you advice since like I said we all battle the lonely times.

Hi S.,

What you are doing is full time work...actually 24/7 work. It is wonderful you husband is providing for you and your children financially, however that is only part of the marriage and family you all share together.

My husband and I have our share of concerns as well and we did end up going to counseling thru our church. We were directed to Jimmy and Karren Evens matarial which when applied can really restore marriages. www.marriagetoday.org
At first my husband didn't want to go to counseling because he thought they were going to slam him which is not what they do. They really want to find the root problem and find ways to improve the problems. I found that my husband would listen to Jimmy Evens then talk about it with me after. What we do is listen to the cds for a couple days then say we set a time to come back together for 1/2 hour or hour to talk about what we heard/learned even if it is only one thing we take from it. When we listen, we do for ourselves, not for how the other needs to change...that dosn't work. We are not perfect and have a long way to go. My husband is also like yours, not talking much and when he does says the wrong things that really can hurt me.

Hang in there...check out the website www.marriagetoday.org and if you can afford it by all means get some of the material. Some of it you can even download. One of the things he says is when a couple gets married, they come into the marriage with unrealistic expectations. When those unrealistic expectations are not met the couple starts wrong thinking. That is a jist of what one of the things he says...with my twist of wording. Another thing to keep in mind when talking together...when you have concerns...start out with "I'm commited to you and our marriage and I love you"...This really keeps the heat down so to speak.

You may also want to take up a hobby if you don't already have one. You also need a break from the house even if it is once a month. I scrapbook and get together with my sister in laws and some friends once a month at one of our houses for about 5 or more hours. The guys have to all take care of the kids during this time. The guys in our family "computer game" and also get together once a month either at one of our houses and the mothers take care of their children at this time. This way we both are getting our guy and girl time. It is also important to have weekly date nites with you and your husband. Yep, weekly. Without the kids. Doing things like you did when dating.

I know this seems like alot, hope you find some of it helpful.
The only one we can change is ourselves and can hope others will change.

Always look to the good in your spouse and find ways to appreciate those good things.

Hang in there, keep loving and caring for yourself and your family. Know your husband loves you and your kids love you. You have many great qualities that attracted your husband to you and stay true to yourself.

Your friend,
B.

Well, it sounds like counseling is just what you need.

I was in the same situation about 2 years ago, with DH and I hardly talking, no friends, no hobbies, lonely and depressed. We decided to go to counseling because we both really loved each other and couldn't go on the way it was.

We started going to counseling once a month for 2 years until we finally got to a point where we are both happy. It also took anti-depressants, and a hobby to get myself back into shape.

If you can't get out of the house at least once a week by yourself, then start a walk routine with your kids, or get outside and play chase, or dance...anything to get your heart pumping with endorphines.

Hope this helps!

Dear S.,

My heart aches for you. It sounds like you're really trying to make the best of your situation. Please please keep working on your marriage, for the sake of your whole family!

It's easier said than done, but you need a second car. Then you can get out with the kids, join a mom's group, and not feel so lonely. You and your girls will need to be able to leave the house as they get older, and get involved in more things. It will be well worth the extra cost, to have a second car.

I run a mom's group in Rochester, which meets every Wednesday morning. If you're ever able to join us, you'd be most welcome! Our webpage address is: www.oakarbor.org/community/momtots.html. Or find another group that suits your needs. Mothers need companionship :)

Good luck!
L.

S.,
My sympathies, my husband and I had a very rocky first 2 to 3 yrs of our marriage, while some things were different from yours I too craved more communications. Some bullett points to consider:
Make a date to talk to him, spend some time when you are not fighting telling him not only about your needs but that you love him and you are afraid of the detriment to your marriage.

My husband and I went to a male counselor in Novi who was awesome. When my husband heard things from another man, it was like he was hearing for the first time in a way he "got it" - not that the therapis gave me a free pass for the areas I needed to improve on though.

Find a reliable sitter (if you attend a church, call the secretary or other in the know employee and ask for suggestions, I got great results with this)and make a standing date. We try to find something very low cost to do since we are paying a sitter - through the parks and rec, just ice cream or dessert, etc. I am amazed at how different our conversations are at these times.

Maybe, when the economy gets better, your husband can take stock in his priorities and look for another job. Nothing is as important as the family relationship when kids are small and sometimes it means tough choices. Different career paths are always out there when the kids are older and need you a little less (time wise).
Hang in there!
K.

Hi S., I have a little advice since I understand your problem about communication. (or lack there of) First you must not ever think that you DONT work. You work more than full time since you are the primary care giver to your two wonderful children. IF you did go to work and you had to put the kids in daycare and hire a maid and buy more meals...How much is all that worth. You do all of those things and just because you dont get paid monetarily doesnt mean that you are not working. You are working for your family. This is a point that needs to be made to your husband. I used to work and now I am a stay at home mom and I had a hard time leaving work. NOW I know that staying home is twice as hard yet twice as rewarding. SO please dont ever feel like you are not "working" or contributing to your family! Next you really need to have someone watch your children one evening or on a weekend and have a heart to heart with your husband. With out yelling or blaming. Use "I feel" statements, not blaming statements like "you dont help me" Tell him you are loneley and that maybe you can pick a few hours on sunday that he can help around the house. It is hard to balance everything. Every mom out there can empathize with you! You really need to work on communication with your husband because with out it you will resent him terribly. HE needs to acknowledge your feelings and you need to make decisions together on how to balance out the home duties. just because he works does not mean that he does not have to do things around the house. My husband and I worked full time before kids and we both had to do chores and work around the house. That did not change because I am at home. I know of a great marriage counselor but she is in Rochester. If you are interested email me. Other wise just know you are doing a great service for your family and for your children. Dont forget about yourself. You are equally as important as anyone in your family. Remember "if mama aint happy, aint no one happy" :) Good luck.-- J.

Hi S.,
I was in your same situation, we moved 21/2 hours away from family and friends, and I hated it. I have no friends or family around, so we couldn't do anything with just the 2 of us. We have 2 cars, so I would go down to see my family and friends, I think you should talk about getting another car. If I didnt' go and see my family I was depressed and lonely. We are moving closer now, which is alot better. Maybe ask a family member to come to visit and watch the kids so you and your husband can go out to dinner, that worked for us. I hope this helps, good luck!

Hi S.,

I am going to try this again, I was emailing you in response to your concern and my computer just shut itself off, losing everything I just wrote. First, I just want to let you know that I am proud of you for reaching out. Second, honey you are not alone...not too many years ago I was where you are. My husband has been self employed since before we were married, and in essence he was married to his work ( business) first, most of the time. There wasn't any sacred time for us, he was always on call, and always tired. I know that you don't know me, but I want to welcome you to call, if you need someone to talk with. Also, I would like to recommend a book for you to read, Created To Be His Help Meet, I credit this book with God restoring my marriage to more than I could imagine. I would also like to let you know that when I first met my husband I was far away from my family and friends and that added to my lonliness, it is important that you try and reach out to people. I realize that one car is very challenging, especially since your connections are 30 minutes away. Do you know the LORD? If not, I promise HE is a great place to start. My number is ###-###-#### cell and home is ###-###-####. If you need someone to talk with I will be there. I will be praying for you, God is amazing, you rest in HIM you will take care of all your cares.

Blessings,
M.

Hi - WOW - I am sorry to hear about your situation. However, after reading it - I have a couple of questions. 1. Have you ever been treated for PPD (post partum depression)? 2. You say you work as a waitress part time and go to school part time - who takes of the kids then?

I think that you may need to figure a way to be able to use the car a couple days a week - take the kids to library for children read time, or go to the park, go to the mall to walk etc. or playdates (lots of organizations offer groups for SAHMs) Is it possible to take your husband to work a couple days a week to be able to use the car? I know that this can make you feel imprisoned (I had a similiar situation with my first husband - but I was in a different country, no car, no family, no nothing:-)

It sounds like you truly love him, and want to be o.k. - have you discussed with him that your "blue"? Have you talked to your doctor? (that one is important).

I wish you luck and pray that you find some happiness in the days to come...GOD BLESS YOU.