C.O.
RM:
I'm sorry you are in this place....still.
I've read over your previous posts...you state you aren't happy but haven't stated what you are trying to do to change or fix it...
You posted December 2010 that you weren't attracted to your husband...what have you done to change that? ANYTHING? I know there are times when I'm not attracted to my husband - I use my imagination and pretend he's someone else...no harm in that in my book...
Then in October you posted that you know in your soul you married the wrong one...what have you done to change it? Is divorce your way out or are you depressed because it wasn't as exciting as you thought it would be? You state that you thought he would be a good provider, etc....however you never state WHY you married him then if you knew in your soul it was wrong...I can tell you if you don't know the answers to these questions - you aren't going to change anything by divorcing him. You have kids together so you will be attached to him in some shape or form for the rest of your life...and you will carry this burden (that's the best word I can come up with right now for it) until you can resolve what it is....
Can you work on your relationship with God? Go to your church and talk to your pastor, priest or rabbi....find a W.'s bible study group - here you will find like-minded women and you might find a friend that you weren't expecting...I know God will get you through anything...you just have to trust Him if you can....
You haven't stated if you love your husband. I can tell you after 14 years of marriage - there are days I look at my husband and say "OOOH I can't take this not another day - brraaaa - not another day!!" (you know the monster.com commercial? YEAH - that I can't take this...) And then there are days when he does something that just makes my heart melt all over again....
Instead of throwing in the towel on your marriage - I would suggest counseling...and date nights...
Marriage is NEVER easy...I know we are programmed for the "happily ever after" - when I hear someone say "My marriage just isn't there anymore" - that I say back - you need to WORK ON IT...my parents told me that marriage was a full time job that you didn't get paid for - man were they EVER right...I'd like to think of it as a garden that needs to be tended to daily lest weeds grow - but when "it's NOT there"? TO ME (i.e. MY OPINION) that means your marriage is stuck in a rut and one or both parties are bored...looking for something new...exciting...I can tell you that YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN again....
You have sooo much on your plate - to be honest - it sounds like you aren't happy with YOU...no one can love you without you loving you first. You have to like you and love you...you have to look at yourself every day in the mirror...I don't want to say you are depressed because I don't know you personally...but with having an autistic child, 3 kids and not being happily married - you could be depressed or just on a pity pot...we are all entitled to a pity pot...but you can't stay on it forever....start writing a journal - your expectations, your dreams, desires, etc. then start opening up to your husband and TALK with him COMMUNICATE with him...
I wouldn't let fear rule my life either. I would take the bull by the horns and sit down with my hubby and say "I'm NOT happy"...I EXPECT...I NEED...and be willing to listen to his wants, expectations and needs as well....
How can you make your home happy again? Baby steps...attitude is everything. You think you've got it bad - your negative attitude will reflect in your words and deeds...which will cause short tempers and a bunch of unhappy faces!
I'm sure there are plenty of mom's like you out in the world. We are rarely ever alone....it's just a matter of HOW we handle things...if you just want to lament on how unhappy you are and do nothing to change it - not taking the advice of others but continually stating "I'm not attracted to my husband" or "My marriage isn't there..." nothing will change...and you will continue to be unhappy.
As to your job or wanting a job - if your kids are in school - can you go back to school yourself to get a degree in what you are PASSIONATE in? do you KNOW what you are passionate for?
There are a ton of resources out there for you - find your local unemployment office - search their job boards and see what jobs are open and that you qualify for or are interested in...
I would start volunteering places where your passion lies as well as looking for an intern position - so you can get some adult stimulation other than your husband...that will give you something to talk about other than the kids...
Go to Craigslist and look in their jobs section...while a minority of them may be scams - the majority of them are not...so take advantage and look...it doesn't hurt to look...
I wish you much luck and peace..