My husband and I are the parents of a strong willed 14 year old. Lately, it seems that no matter what I do or say I am usually "wrong"; and she can be quite disrespectful at times. How do I cope, without my blood pressure going into orbit??
To add: I have been to counseling with her, and she's on very low dose hormones to help
regulate her moods (she does suffer from severe PMS, as do most of the women in my family) It just gets so tiresome after awhile for me because shes always got SOMETHING she is upset about and it disrupts the rest of us. Our house is quite small also. Lately I have been trying hard just not to react when she tries to push the buttons; and giving myself a time out when I feel at wits end. I know I was moody at that age, but I never would have dreamed of being openly confrontational with either of my parents (Id've been knocked straight into the next month had I tried) She seems to think that I should care about every opinion she has, when in reality, sometimes I don't - I just want her to quietly do as she's been told and help out around the house more. It also doesn't help that she can be downright nasty to her younger sister. She knows how her dad & I feel, but unfortunately its all about HER and the rest of us aren't important. I do use leverage with her in that if she doesn't behave, she doesn't get to do extra curricular fun stuff like six flags. on the bright side, shes super smart and an honor student. Hope that's helpful to clarify I was pretty brief the first time.
Welcome to having a teenager. This is sooo normal. All 3 of my girls are going through the same stage. I don't know what advice to give...just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
I'm not sure if I can offer wonderful advice or not.
I'm 29 and I have a 9 yr old who likes to argue over everything i tell him to do. We have enrolled him in Taekwondo and things have changed a bit I must say. The teachers are very into respect for everyone and they like to hear updates from the parents on how the children are doing in school and they bring life into the class, not just martial arts. He's learned so much and it has helped us at home.
What kind of things is she doing after school? A sport might get her mind of some things, as well as teach her some very good life lessons.
I wish you the best of luck going into the teenage world! I'm not looking forward to it! hehe.
Good luck.
Obviously, I don't know your whole story, but here's 2 cents: Sometimes a little empathy can go a long way. It's not easy to do, but sometimes if you can consider her point of view & just validate what she's feeling you might find that her confrontational nature will be defused. Phrases like "gee, it sounds like you have a strong opinion about that - let's talk about a compromise" can work like magic. Recognizing what bothers her and why might make her move on to a more constructive reaction. Some people might call it "reverse psychology." It sounds like she wants to be heard, but feels like she isn't being heard, so she acts out. That being said, it can be draining to do it all the time and it doesn't always work: I've tried this with an older sibling for years, but he still acts like a bratty teenager (in his 40s and it's all about HIM) and just mocks or flies into a rage. Nastiness shouldn't be tolerated - hopefully you're working on teaching her that when she is, she is expected to make amends & apologize. I wonder if she has enough time to herself as well? Perhaps a little 'alone time' in her room with a book or the radio? Or a sport - that can do wonders for a teenage girl's mood & confidence.
I hope this helps a little. It sounds like you're doing a lot of good things with counseling, etc. It's important to accept her for who she is, not who you want her to be...even if you don't particularly like who she is! :)
This is one of those times when I get to say, "Yeah! I'm not doing THAT again!" My daughter has already chimed in with some constructive words and as I've read them I only wished they had worked for us. For us, it took a total breakdown in communications before we could BOTH stop being stubborn and listen not only to what WAS being said but what was NOT being said. Sometimes THAT is everybit as important in a teenager's life. Sometimes the fact that your child is SOOOOO SMART (grades-wise) clouds OUR vision when it comes to the challenges THEY face outside the home. We get to thinking, "they wouldn't ever drink, drug, have sex, steal, etc., because they're too smart for that..." We forget the presures we saw in our own lives or think that because we got past those presures our kids won't even be tempted by them. And as much as we hate to see it happen, sometimes telling them, "I won't allow you to do this (or that) as it will only turn out poorly for you. I know this from experience so I forbide you from even concidering it." not only will tend to get you the polar oposite results but, in my opinion, is doing the teen a great diservice. There are just some things in life you have to do on your own, hope for the best, and pray there is someone around to help you clean yourself off without saying "I told you so" when you fall flat on your face in the mud. (if you're lucky enough to fall into ONLY mud)
When I screwed up as a teen; which really wasn't often, maybe once a year, I always fell in something much grosser than mud.
So for my parents it was a trade off. Not as often but twice as bad and for them that WAS the "happy medium". They servived, I servived, and so will you. Besides the upswing of it all, is "the mother's curse" LOL! Someday..... it will be her feet in your shoes and her hands in the air saying "Calgon, Take me away!" because her daughter (or son) is trying their wings.
Just keep trying to LISTEN to inbetweens as well as the words you are both saying.
I was horrible at a 14...15..and 16..years of age, and I am not yet on the parents end of the fight, but I think it might be best if take time to calm down, and then try to talk to her. Don't fight with her, it mostlikely will make her more stubborn. It might be easier to get through to whats really going on, if you and your daughter take a GIRLS day out, just the two of you, get lunch, maybe go shoppinging, anything you both like to do, in this "relaxed" time, you might be able to address your problems, and let her know how it makes you feel when she dissrespects you. Remember, girls are very confused, and hormonal at this age, (puberty for a girl is almost as bad as pregnancy) she will grow out of it eventually, hang in there!! Good luck to you!!!
I'm getting close to that age w/my own daughter, D.. But as a young teenager, I was awful. A lot of times, I would just pick an argument w/my mother just so she would tell me to go to my room... just so I could be alone and purposely undisturbed by anyone. This went on until I was 17. It definitely sounds like puberty has a LOT to do w/what's going on w/your daughter. As women, we all know what hormones does to a female and going through it just plain sucks. I really wish my mother had sought the services of a psychotherapist to help her deal w/me and my sisters. When I think about it now, I think that it really would have helped us all get along better w/our mother back then.
No matter what advice you get, its ultimately the decision of you and your husband. It might be better, however, if you're the main person working on the relationship w/your daughter. A 'girl' thing. :-) Good luck.
