Issues W/ My 8 Yo

Yeah...gonna last a few years! Lol
WRITE down & post expectations, chores, rules, etc.
Also write & post consequences.
It takes the "wiggle room" away and everyone in the house is on the same page. G/L!

I thought about writing the exact same question about my own soon-to-be eight year old daughter. I have no advice for you, but I have the same issues with defiance and disrespect. Hubby and I do not put up with it and are always on her case and/or disciplining her. But I just think it comes with the territory, and my daughter just has an unpleasing personality. She looks exactly like me, but she is totally greedy and narcissistic like my MIL. Grrrr. She is an angel at school, so at least I've got that going for me.

I have noticed that she is always especially nasty around this time of year. I think it is part of her adjusting to a new school year. I opted not to enroll her in any sports this fall, so she can have a little more quiet time after school.

Good luck to you! I'll be interested to see the advice you get.

Sorry, but if my 8 YO EVER spoke to me like that, there would be no warning, only a swift spanking. There is absolutely NO WAY I would ever tolerate being spoken to like that by an eight year old. Heck, I wouldn't even let my 33 year old daughter talk to me like that. I would tell her to get her disrespectful a$$ out of my house!

I really don't know what else to say. She obviously doesn't care if you take things from her or she has to sit in a corner. And really, she's eight. Of course she doesn't care. She knows that that punishment has a time limit and once it's over, it's over and she's on to the next thing. The mortification of a civil spanking has a much longer lasting effect.

Do what you want, but if you don't nip this disrespect and attitude in the bud now, the tween and teen years are going to be a nightmare for you. If you think you're exhausted now, just wait!

She's 8.
The Tween stages are from 9-12 years old.
She is, and this is common, already getting tweaked in her behavior.
I see this all the time, at my kids' school where I work.
SOME kids "change" when they are this age and then in 4th and 5th grade.
So head's up.
BUT, it does not have to be that way. And not all kids, act like that, regardless of their age. So it is not just something you put up with. And not all kids act that way.
So that is also something to keep in mind.
And you are still the parent... REGARDLESS of whatever age-phases they are going through. And you don't have to let it happen, just because of their age.

Now, my daughter is 10 now. Middle School.
When she was 8 and 9, many of the girls and boys got this way. But again, not all of them. Even my daughter would comment to me about it. Because, even school staff see this happen and we all know that at this age and on, a kid MAY get this way.
But still, they need to be told... what is acceptable or not.
And to be told, BLUNTLY.

My daughter was never extreme in those phases, but she did at times get like that too. And she has a similar personality to your daughter as you described her.
And with my daughter, if/when she acted that way, I would tell her VERY bluntly... "You are acting in a very ugly manner. YOU KNOW IT. It is a turnoff. It is NOT nice, it is NOT cool, and it is very disgraceful. You are embarrassing yourself. You THINK about that. It is a CHOICE. You CHOOSE to act that way or not. So choose. But I will not put up with it." And then I walk away. You see, they ARE smart enough and cognizant enough, to know that.
And then, the next time if/when she acted like that or asked something of me or told me something that was sassy... I simply told her "No. I do not choose to interact with a person like you are being now. It is awful. I will not, cooperate or help you, nor give in to it. You can scream or have a hissy fit all you want. Fine. And when you tire yourself out acting that way... THEN, you tell me. I will NOT put up with it."
I 'remind' her I am your Mommy.
You are a child.
And you better get that straight.

I do not, give in, to it.
And I tell my kids that.
I do not hover over my daughter or nag or shadow her to make sure she does things. AND if/when, my daughter goes on and on and on about something... I TELL HER "NO, I know what you are doing, you think if you keep repeating yourself I will get tired of it and give in. But NO. I will not. You can keep repeating yourself until you are blue in the face, but I will NOT BE, manipulated. Go ahead... keep nagging. You look silly acting that way. It is awful. And that is NOT the way, to treat your Mommy. I will not let you, treat me that way." And then, I give her a very stern look, and walk way.
And then, at some point later... she will actually come up to me, and APOLOGIZE on her own volition. And hug me.

I make it clear, to my kids... that treating Mommy that way, is disgraceful. It is, so wrong.
THEY are a part of the family. So act it.

And at times, I have, bluntly told my kids, what I do all day for them. All day. I even showed them a list once, of everything I do, for them. Things they don't even realize. And I tell them, bluntly.... acting like a "brat" gets them nowhere.

My daughter is now 10... and she is, compared to her classmates, very stable in attitude. For now at least. And she is respectful. But she did go through a phase in 4th and 5th grade, of being a bit more sassy. But still not as bad, as all the other kids I see at school. And I bluntly, told her what I will not put up with. And how her behavior, is just ugly. NOT nice at all. And that SHE KNOWS IT. So why do it? Choose.

Then once, when I was in the Cafeteria at lunch, a few 5th graders were being all that. Or they thought they were. They talked back, was laughing AT the staff, thinking they were so cool and were making so much noise.
So I went up to them, and said "Hey kids. Making fun of Staff is really not nice. You know that, right? You all look, uncool. I know all your Mommies. How are they by the way? You need to think for yourselves, and correct your behavior. Don't just be copy-cats. Do what's right. Think. You can be a sheep or be yourself. Or, I can tell your Mommies, when I see them later today. You choose." And then, I looked at them. Stood there... until it made sense to them. And they all apologized. One boy even told me "Thank you." And I said "what for? I just scolded all of you." And he said "For being honest... you're right, I don't have to do something just because they all are."

Is making a bed because the cleaning lady is coming REALLY worth WWIII?

Choose your battles.

:(

This kind of thing started happening with my oldest daughter around that age. When I look back I can see why she was so pissy and annoyed all the time. I thought being a "good" mother was constantly directing her, reminding her, telling her what to do, when, where and how to do it.
What a nag!
It's time to start picking your battles.
For example, the tooth brushing. Sure I expected my kids to brush their teeth twice a day, but once they were five or six I stopped checking their teeth to make sure it was done. Does she go to the dentist twice a year for cleanings? Let HIM (or her) lecture your daughter if she's not brushing well, or at all. I find it works better coming from the dentist than from me!
When you say no and she continues to harp, just send her to her room. I can't stand listening to whining in any form so when my kids started doing that I sent them to their rooms until they were ready to stop.
As often as you can, tie consequences directly to her behavior.
Mom, can I go to Sally's?
Sure, just as soon as you finish your homework and put your laundry away.
Mom, can Betsy sleep over this weekend?
Sounds good, but you need to make sure your room is picked up Friday morning so the housekeeper can clean in there.
I know this doesn't work in every situation but the more you give HER the power over her choices and behavior the less YOU need to yell and nag.

At 8, you can probably give her future consequences. Such as you can't go to your friend's house this coming weekend. For a strong-willed girl like your daughter, the consequences need to be big. So whatever her currency is, use that.

I'm guessing she's pretty social? (eta - Oh yeah, you said that.)

The other thing is choose your battles. Others will disagree with me on this, but I would rather do certain chores myself than nag a kid about them. So make sure you feel these chores are really necessary before engaging in battle over them. I know it's good for kids to do chores, but my kids rarely did chores because I didn't have the patience to micromanage them; I just let them focus on school, and I promise you they grew up to be wonderful, functional people (and did well in school). So minimizing the chores is an option.

Also, don't "discuss, discuss till you're blue in the face." She's very bright, she gets it. Stop discussing it. Just tell her to do it and give her the consequences. Keep your statements to under 10 words.

I really think your best best for consequences with her will be to take away her social time. Don't bother with taking away electronics, etc.

Somehow, you haven't found her "currency" -- the objects or privileges in which she "trades". You've taken away electronics, for weeks, yet an 8 year old is not responding? She sits in a corner for a long time but doesn't alter her behavior?

Just curious - how do you get her to sit in the chair? Are you constantly there, making her sit down and stay put? If so, is that giving her a level of attention that's fueling her need to be in charge or be the center of attention? Are the endless discussions actually giving too much attention to her, and she's rewarded for bad behavior by feeling that she can control you?

You've done everything I would do, and it's not working. The one thing you haven't done: you haven't ignored her. She's getting a payoff for her mouth, her demands (like "clean the chair"), her disrespect.

So how about revisiting a few things? For example, so what if she doesn't make her bed and pick up a few things? What terrible thing would happen if the cleaning lady didn't clean your daughter's room? If she doesn't pick up her things, and doesn't put her dirty laundry in the wash, and doesn't have her favorite shirts to wear, what would the result be? She might realize she's not in charge of you, but she is in charge of her own privileges (having her favorite shirt, being able to find her stuff, and so on). I know this might seem odd, but so what if she didn't take a shower for a few days? Does it mean you are a bad parent? No. There is a negative if she doesn't brush her teeth in terms of dental health, but no horrible thing will happen if she doesn't take a shower (other than possible ridicule from her friends after a few days). Peer pressure might work better anyway.

I'd say to really choose your battles here. Put aside what would be "nice" and "desirable", and focus on what is medically or educationally necessary. She has to eat something, she has to brush teeth, and she has to go to school. If she opposes any of those, just wait until she needs something and say it won't get done until those things are done. If she refuses to go to school (as my son did), you could do what I did. I said, "Okay, take your time. If you don't think you need to go to school because something else is more fun, fine. When you are ready, I will drive you in. Of course, late arrivals have to check in at the office so you can sit down with the principal and simply explain your reasons for being late. I'm sure she'll be very interested. Or when the police officer comes here to see why you are truant, you can explain to him." Then I walked away and removed myself from the argument.

If you don't have time to spend with her because you are cooking dinner or tidying the family room, so be it, she's on her own. Many hands make light work, but if she's not going to do it, you're not going to fight with her every day. However, of course you are now too busy or too tired to drive her anywhere, have her friends over, take her to the mall, or do her laundry. Yes, that's right - she can put her own clothes in the washer, dry and fold them. If they aren't in her drawers because she didn't pick them up of the floor, then they are her responsibility entirely. If she has to wear something twice, too bad. If she has to wear something wrinkled, too bad. If she wants to go somewhere or do something where you can't supervise her, say no, wistfully, that you wish she was trustworthy and mature enough to participate but she's not a rule-follower or someone who listens to adults, so you can't let her go. Don't debate, just state.

So you might try letting her have a taste of what it's like to be in charge, be the boss, not listen to parents.

I would try this for one month, no backing down. If she DOES do something nicely and without attitude, you should smile and say how grown up she is, but don't THANK her for doing basic family tasks. Don't nag. You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to, as a friend of mine says. You don't have to engage in every battle of wills.

Finally, if you get nowhere after being completely consistent, consider something like Oppositional Defiance Disorder. But I would think that would be showing up in school. There are things that can be done nutritionally to help kids with a lot of mood, focus and attention issues, but right now that would be one more battle of wills. And it doesn't sound like her situation is so serious - she is able to control it at least a part of the day while in the presence of others. It's only at home that she's acting out.

I agree with Diane B - and I mean this in a not-sarcastic way - try NOT nagging.

Make a plan with your hubby that for, say, the next two weeks, you will "let the chips fall where they may". Teeth not brushed? No comment. Bed not made? No comment. Homework not done? No comment.

Don't be a pushover - don't let her make demands of you - just don't get on her back to do the things you usually nag her to do.

See where you stand after two weeks of that - see what effect it has on her behavior. You might be surprised. And the energy you save from nagging...might be nice for you!

First -- bravo for not spanking. It will only backfire and make her resent and fear you. You do not want your child to physically fear you as you feared your parents. And it TEACHES nothing -- it does not teach behaviors and does not teach a child any compassion but only models hitting. Good for you for not using it.

She is smart. She is also only eight. Don't let her intelligence and great grades and overall maturity fool you -- she is only eight and at that age, all kids are pushing boundaries and asserting themselves to figure out who they are. That assertion can take some forms that are not acceptable to adults. But first, recognize it for what it is -- a normal stage -- before you overdo the punishments and discussions.

You need to choose your battles. If you get on her case every single time she has "a tone" to her voice or is slow to do something, you are giving too much weight to it and will fight with her constantly. Choose to ignore some things and decide, for yourself, what you cannot ignore.

She DOES need to be disciplined for direct sass or flat-out refusal to do what she is asked. But take care that you do not overreact, and it sounds like so far you have done a bit of overreacting. Overreacting gives her behavior TOO much attention; I know you want to emphasize to her that this is serious, you mean business, she cannot make these behaviors part of her regular way of acting, etc., but at the same time -- talking here as a parent of a smart, assertive girl a few years older than yours -- overdoing it with her will not get the results you want.

You mention that you have "discussed, discussed, discussed" things when she acts certain ways. You're over-talking it. Do not do long discussions. Establish what is good behavior; have her role-play it with you but NOT when she has just been doing something disrespectful for real.

Handle things by going cooler, not hotter. Hard to do but it can work. Take the case of telling you rudely to clean up her chair. "I'm sorry, honey, what did you just say?" is your reaction, calmly, as if you really did not hear it. She will know very well that you DID hear it but she also should get that you are giving her a chance.

If she's smart and overall wants to please, she may instantly say, "Nothing" or "Sorry," but if she repeats her order, stop. Face her and get close. "You told me to clean your chair, I get it. But I asked you to pick up and I am going to go pick up room X. Now is your opportunity to try again and speak to me respectfully. What do you want to say?"

If she does not get it and tries to say, "But I need help" or "Why do you get to tell me to do stuff?" etc., be sure you have her attention and then ASK her (don't tell her, ask her), "What do you think you did here that was not respectful?" Then wait. Do not tell her or prompt her. Wait and look at her. She needs to answer. If she is a good kid -- and I wager she is! -- she is going to get sheepish, or possibly a bit surly, and say what the wrong behavior was. Ignore the surliness, though you will want to chastise her for it; just focus on her answer. Then tell her, calmly, "When you do X, it makes me feel Y (sad, like what I say has no value, whatever it really makes you feel). Now we are going to start over."

Then do start over. "Now. Please pick up your room, which means making the bed and putting away all the clothes including the ones on your chair. Do you have that?" It gives her the chance to say yes and move on. Don't bring it up again. (And do consider whether she has trouble with a direction like "pick up your room" which can overwhelm a kid at times if they are not given very specific tasks. Yep, even smart kids.)

So overall -- choose battles. Ignore much of what she says under her breath. Do not ignore direct disrespect to an adult. Stop and quietly address her directly, ensuring she is looking right at you and you at her. Tell her you need her to repeat what she said, or tell her she is getting one chance to repeat herself in what she knows is a respectful way. This often can be the end of it and over time, she will know that if you stop, turn to face her seriously and say, "Would you like to repeat that?" she has gone too far and she'll correct herself then.

If she persists -- take away something that matters to her a lot (TV time, an outing, attending a party, etc.) but don't bother with time outs any more -- she is too old for those to matter and she is sitting in time out fuming; taking away something she values is more effective at this age. But taking things away for weeks as you mention - was that for a single infraction? Tie each loss of a privilege or item to ONE direct action, not to an overall "you're not behaving." Doing a mass "you're losing all TV for weeks for generally being sassy" sounds like it's more appropriate for a teenager than an eight-year-old --and again, don't confuse her with a teen just because she's sassing. Keep the consequences specific to the action at the time.

I find that lowering, not raising, my voice gets my kid's attention instantly, whereas raising my voice makes her defensive and loses her attention in a fog of self-defense on her part. Going quieter and getting up close can be more effective than getting louder or sending the child away.

As for having to basically guide her to the bathroom for tooth brushing etc. -- oh so typical. .Establish that there are rewards for doing routine things without being asked and real consequences if you must ask more than, say, twice (reduce to once after she gets better at it): "Sue, it is now time to brush your teeth. This is the FIRST asking. If I get to asking a second time, you know what will happen because we talked about it yesterday -- second asking means you lose TV tomorrow, and third asking means you lose TV for the next two days. Do you understand that?" Be sure she replies clearly so you know she heard you.

You still will hit issues. This age can be very scatterbrained and though she hears you say "brush your teeth" etc., her brain is so very distractable. She will say "In five minutes, mom" and she thinks five minutes have passed but you know it's actually 25.....

Don't die on this hill, as folks here like to say. Figure out how to handle it and be consistent. Don't overtalk things, don't yell, have the same, same, same consistent consequences that are appropriate for her age -- not too young for her (like time outs) or too severe for her (like weeks of losing something). .Good luck. This is a long phase - my very responsible and mature middle schooler STILL needs reminders to get up and do this or that routine thing. So don't be too hard on her but do be consistent.

Yep, locked down fun till the few nonnegotiable things are done. It's annoying because you know it could easily be done. But with her attitude, it aint ever going to be easy. Narrow your list. The thing about the chair full of clothes, don't talk about it, don't let her get you going because that just serves her purposes. Just say no. That's her job.

It sound like she has a good social life. That's your cashe. No one over till thing are done. Throw a fit, oh, that's too bad but that was your choice, sweetheart.

In general. Fewer words. Fewer nonnegotiable things. No social life till my list is done.

Yeah, it seems like that if you are so much more reasonable than your parents, then your child should fall easily in line. Never going to happen. You can't even guilt them into things. They don't care how reasonable you are being. They want what they want, when they want it. They think you are being unreasonable when you block that.

I understand that you want to preserve your relationship with your child without violence. Good for you. But to accomplish that, you are going to have to settle for less obedience. Not that you can't control what they do but you can only control so much before you either beat the snot out of them or stop caring so much about some not so important, stuff. I choose the latter after about 3 yrs old.

couple of thoughts: is she your "mini me"? Did you or your husband act like this at this age? Something to think about...

when that behavior begins, have you ever tried laughing & hugging her.... & saying, "God, I love you. Now go do it, & quit making me repeat myself.".....??

One trick that worked for me: instead of sending my sons off to do Basic Chores/Life Skills, I worked with them & they with me. (9 years between them meant I raised 2 only children.) Anyway, it worked. We made beds together, we hung up clothes, we patrolled the rooms....together. :)

& if you're sick of hearing your own voice, just think how she must be feeling! Soooo, with that thought in mind, it's time for a Family Conference. Non-confrontational, relaxed....& just address your concerns. Ask her how she feels & if she has any solutions. AND then hit her with your new plan: you will give her a written list of what needs to be finished BEFORE she has any privileges for "free time"....whether it's the tv or online time, etc. Quite simply, all privileges must be earned. :) Good Luck! Oh, & check out the "1-2-3 Magic" video.... discipline at its best!

I don't agree that this is necessarily the beginning of the teen scene. Around 9-10 both my girls went through a rough patch. I was scared it was teen defiance and my husband and I thought "Is this it, are we going to have to deal with this for a decade?"

Both girls moved through this phase and mellowed out considerably. Now at 15 the oldest lets us know she is definitely a teenager but the little one is still sweet as pie.

Don't assume this is a long term issue. Try not to nag, just have a rule that you will ask twice and then if it's not done there are repercussions. Try to stay calm and not feed into her drama.

How is she outside of your home and away from family? My kids are model citizens everywhere but home. We believe when girls have less drama in their outside world they sometimes create it at home just to vent those emotions.

Whatever you do don't let this turn into a YOU VS. HER thing. Try to keep a loving, close relationship no matter how awful she treats you. Tell her she's great when she is, hug her every chance you get and pick your battles. Try to create as many moments of positive interaction with her as you can.

In trying to make kids do what we want it's easy to fall into the constant struggle routine. Make a list of the "must do stuff" that's is required for a happy home and let other things go. For us the big ones are being respectful, helping around the house and getting good grades. We have a nice tree in the backyard they have to sit under if they start with an attitude. An hour under the tree works wonders.

Sounds like my lovely daughter. What works best for us is to write a list or have a routine that she knows and she controls. If I put her in charge and explain that this list needs to get done before we do X, then she does it. No back talk, no problems. If I ask and ask and ask, it somehow makes her go slower and want to avoid doing it at all. We've talked about it and she admits that she hates being told what to do. I have explained that she needs to try to work on that and basically get over it, because there will always be responsibilities and she'll need to be able to take direction. So, we're working on it. But, for the day to day tasks, a list works like a charm for us. I have a checklist for after school inside a plastic sleeve and she checks off each item as she does them with a dry erase marker.

It seemed that 8 was the exact age that my daughter (now 9) "turned". That must be the magic number when your sweet little girl turns into the raging bag of hormones.

When you find the solution, let me know, because my little sass-monster is driving me batty.

my son is the same way and he is 8. I have been doing the 1-2-3 magic and it is working except we use monetary gains instead of time outs. Time outs just dont work for us. So he gets a weekly allowance of $5 paid out on Fridays. If I ever hit 3 its an automatic deduct a buck and I havent had to hit 3 in about a week which is huge for him. With the sassy attitude and disrespect I make him reprhase it and if I hear that "tone" again its an automatic 3 which in turn is a buck. some weeks he gets his full payout others hes lucky if he gets a dollar. I would say that I dont have to get on him too bad anymore about getting ready or dressed for anything. if he is hesitant I say thats one and he is running up the stairs. Also, with any electronics if he is on them and not wanting to do what I ask he has until 3 and if he doesnt that electronic is gone for a week. It works for now.

Hi LeeLee, I just wanted to say I FEEL YA SISTER!!!! We also have an 8 year old (and 6 year old) though our 8 yr old is a boy and we have very similar issues. Superb behavior in school, challenging with us at home. I have been told by multiple teachers that this is actually a good thing. (Better they act up at home than with teachers) The whining, the crying and complaining and stubbornness, etc. can be exhausting and unbearable, especially when you have been consistent in your discipline. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job of handling it all, it just probably doesn't feel like that to you :)
I too came from a home where spanking/hitting and yelling was the go to response and it also caused resentment for me in the end. So I know what you mean about trying to find a better way of resolving things. I know that for me it has helped to keep my voice as calm and quiet as possible when I ask my son to do things and he resists or complains or whatever. And then I calmly tell him that I'm not going to get upset, I'm just going to throw stuff in the trash if he doesn't want to cooperate. Be it a toy, candy from his candy jar or even money from his piggy bank. (okay I don't actually throw away the money, I keep it for me) And I make a big point of showing him when I do it. I won't lie, that usually ratchets up the hysteria even more but I just stay as calm and quiet as I can. I think often times, the kids want to get Mom as hyped up as they are in the hopes that we'll give in and stop asking them to do all the things we do.
Keep up what you're doing. Try not to get too discouraged, and if you feel like you are nagging too much try the approach of telling your daughter that you're only going to tell her something twice. If she doesn't do what she's supposed to after asking her the second time tell her you're going to throw stuff away. This way you cut down on how many times you say things. At any rate, it's just a suggestion and maybe worth a try for you. Hang in there Mama, this is the ground work that we all have to lay. And please know you are not alone!!! :) Good luck!

Same thing happened around age 8 for us, and it cleared up around age 10, and then resurfaced around age 12 in a slightly different manner.

We started with a short meeting about what her responsibilities are, and also what OUR responsibilities are and how they work together. We showed her that if she doesn't brush her teeth, then we have to stop what we're doing to watch over her. Then we're not getting OUR work done.

We focused on how she can either be CAUSE or EFFECT. When she is CAUSE, she is in control. When she doesn't do what she's told, she is EFFECT and then we have to be in control. Basically we showed her that by doing what she's asked, she actually has more control than if she refuses to.

We spent a lot of time setting things up so she was less likely to fail. She had to do all of her chores and things she didn't want to do FIRST before doing anything fun. For example, we made her start getting ready for bed early, with the idea that if she hurried we could do something fun like play a family game or watch a TV show. If she was slow, then it wouldn't happen. She had a list of things we expected her to do, and when she was done we did a check to make sure. THEN we could play a game.

Consequences were always immediate, or they didn't work.

It took some weeks of trial and error to find what worked, but we found dangling the carrot to be more effective than the "stick."

Talking back for us equals extra chores that are to be completed before any fun is to be had. If you can't respect your family, then you need to do extra work because you don't appreciate them. Plain and simple. We hardly ever get talking back these days, it took a couple of "dirty chores" like cleaning out window sills or sweeping the garage, and that went away quick!

We do focus a lot on being a family and helping each other. We also make sure to thank her for helping when she does her chores, and to compliment her on how her doing something willingly and quickly has helped us all.

Also, we will often let her know that we UNDERSTAND that she doesn't want to do something, and that we would appreciate it if she could do it anyway. We may even sympathize and say "I don't like to do it either." That seems to help as well. 8-year olds seem to feel very misunderstood!

Good luck!

Yup, that's parents biggest mistake, not spanking.

I guess you can just pick your battles; she wins some, you win some....but that usually means that she knows she won and will push for more *winnings*.

When my children were young, I asked them to sit with me and tell me what their fav things were ,whether it was a toy or watching movies and we put them on paper in the order the kids liked them, the first being their #1 best thing ever and so on, I posted a lists on the fridge, and for each time a child was told to do something (or stop doing something) they had to mark an item on the list. They weren't allowed to play with (or do the activity, ) until they could tell me why it was taken away and learn to genuinely apologize for it. If they continued to misbehave they would mark another item to be
taken away,and so on. The punishment for multiple incidents was losing those items/activities for at least 24 hrs. I put the responsibility of choosing back on the child making them understand they chose what to have taken away, and they could just as easily earn it back by acknowledging what they had done. It worked very well enough thru young teenage yrs, keeping in mind the items were more activity related, (Friday night footbal games , going to the mall, cell phone use,and so on) Chores were setting the table for a meal, sweeping the kitchen, taking out the trash, dishes, etc age appropriate, there all kinds of things they can do,...Cleaning thier own room was their personal responsibility and not considered a chore. Won't hurt to try it ,.... better to nip it in the bud now than have this continue until she's a teenager,...then it will be totalally out of control, C. S..

oh my gosh has my child come to live w you!!! seriously! this was us ALLL last year. she is 8.5 now and coming out of it but wowie I wasn't sure we were going ot make it and it' is still not great.

cant' wait to read your responses, AND while I think about it a lot, I won't hit my kid either, I've gotten so I yell, which is just as bad but I won't lay a hand on her, even if it seems somedays that that is what she is begging for.

8 is a little young to start this behavior but the girls do grow up faster than the boys! Does your daughter have any friends that she might be copying? Maybe someone new who also behaves badly? Is there maybe something going on at school? If not, she could just be testing her boundaries and trying to gain more independence. Of course that doesn't excuse the bad behavior.

It seems that the usual punishments and you yelling at her don't work with her so try to flip it where she gets praised for good behavior. Make it about positive reinforcement rather than negative. Does she get allowance for her chores? If not, maybe start giving her allowance so she has some spending money. (If you do give allowance, subtract from it if she doesn't do chores.) If she does everything she is supposed to do, praise her and maybe give her a special treat. Pick the battles that are most important. If she doesn't brush her teeth then let her suffer the consequences - she will get teased at school or get cavities.... that will be incentive to brush her teeth. I'm messy and I've never made my bed in my entire life. My mom just closed the door. My cleaning lady refused to go in my room so I had to clean it myself. She let me keep my messy room as long as I didn't mess up the rest of the house. To my mom, it wasn't worth fighting over. Maybe if you change your behavior towards her and don't give your usual reactions, she will change her behavior as well.

Hope this helps.

I feel you--I have 3 girls & when the oldest was 8 or 9 she started with the attitude. Turns out it was hormones because unfortunately, it's not too early at 8 to be gearing up to start puberty. It's a part of life & so is teaching constructive ways to deal with & control their own emotions.

Have you heard of Love & Logic? They have books & a parenting web site that has a lot of great ways to handle raising children into responsible, respectful adults--that DO NOT involve hitting (in any form!) I agree with you, spanking isn't a DISCIPLE, it is a punishment, a way for a bigger person to vent their own anger on the smaller one. I was hit when I didn't do what was wanted & yes, I did learn to shut up & do what they wanted--but it was because of fear & of course, I have NO relationship with those people now. And my children don't either. My brother eventually got bigger than his dad & beat him back.

I didn't read all of the replies, but using your daughter's WANTS to get her to do the things you NEED her to do is very effective. Using your daughter's toys (any electronics, most likely) & her time with friends--a BIG thing for girls this age--will help her learn to control her mouth.

Our youngest daughter can be REALLY disrespectful at times, she's currently 12 & we have been having this issue with her on & off for 4 years. It happens less & less, but she hasn't gotten it totally under control, yet. So when her "little diva" rears it's head, I let her know she needs to adjust her attitude RIGHT NOW, or she will lose her privileges--any plans of sleepovers, her i-pod, which she saved for & bought with her own money--it is still a privilege & she will lose it until her behavior improves. She is as stubborn as me & last year she went 6 weeks without any time with friends, TV or her i-pod. She eventually decided that she preferred privileges to "winning the war". And she tearfully apologized to the whole family, but especially me, for being mean & selfish. And now, if she does mouth off, she almost immediately apologizes & we work out whatever it was that set her off. She has a *little* bit of a temper. The ability to control your emotions & reactions to orders--whether from a parent, teacher or employer takes a little bit more work for some people than others.

So Good Luck & check out the Love & Logic Web Site--I really appreciate it when I feel like my current methods aren't working or at least not working fast enough & I'll read a little bit & get a little confidence boost to stay the course. We are all a work in progress.

I have the same situation with my 11 yr old. It's been going on since she was very little. There is really nothing that has worked to change her attitude or behavior. She is very much like me, except like you, I didn't act like this growing up for the same reason. My parents spanked and sometimes with a belt. They would also put soap in my mouth.

While nothing has changed her attitude or behavior, certain things have helped. I achieve the best results when I keep myself calm and nonchalant. My daughter LOVES to argue with me and see me get riled up. It feeds the frenzy. When I don't respond or respond very monotonously, she will generally stop or lessen what she's doing. This has been VERY hard for me, and I am not consistent enough with it. I have a hard time letting her berate me without saying "OH HELL NO, you don't talk to your mother like that", but instead saying "Probably so" or another one-liner from Love and Logic.

The nagging to do chores or get ready wears you down. One of the things that works with my daughter is instead of saying "You need to go make your bed" I will say "We can go to x after school as long as your bed is made before school" And then I follow through. If her bed wasn't made, we don't go anywhere after school.

My daughter is very routine oriented and has a very strict routine that she follows at bedtime. If she's being obstinate and isn't getting ready for bed at her bedtime, my husband and I threaten to take away our part in her routine. We will say "If you are in your bed in five minutes, we will tuck you in". She's learned that if she's not ready in the five minutes, she won't get tucked in and we'll say goodnight downstairs. She hates this and finds it worth it to get ready in time.

I really recommend the Love and Logic program for kids like this. It gives them some control (with choices that you can live with-like an unmade bed if she chooses to make the "wrong" choice) And it stresses natural consequences (like not getting to go somewhere after school if the bed isn't made). There is no yelling and screaming, and no spanking (although L&L says it's ok in extreme cases, I don't do it).

Best of luck!

This is when your job of being a parent takes effect. Set boundaries, expectations, and then beyond anything else you WIN. There are no bright, beautiful, intelligent, adorable, smart, or cute Pre-teen who knows what's best for them! They need to be guided into being a productive, successful adult. You need to find out what she values and use that in your favor. If she wants sleepovers or weekend visits, then remove those privileges. Why would you send her to another families' home to play if she behaves so poorly with you? If she isn't behaving poorly at school or other public place then just wait. If you tolerate inappropriate behavior now, then it will become her norm...eventually. Nip it now and be her parent.

Hi LeeLee, great question! I blogged about unacceptable behaviours a while back. I think the advice is still the same: http://heyyougetreal.com/momblog/B.-i-think-my-son-is-a-b...

B.