Daughter Has a Case of the Smart Mouth

Oh, I am so there with you. My daughter is going through this. Not ALL of the time, and definately not as much as before, but it drives me up THE WALL. Arguing, doesn't help, getting mad gives her what she wants. Grounding her works to a sense but I get a lot more smart comments before it ends, and reminders the week ahead. Stubborn little thing. But I've learned when she does it, I let her know what her punishment WILL BE if she doesn't stop.. Then punish her if she continues.. and then IGNORE HER.. Because she wants a reaction. Doesn't work all of the time, but it's the most effective so far..

B.,

First, don't try and be there friend. They have friends, they need someone who is going to set boundries and rules for them. Everyone is trying to be friends with their kids now - and I just don't get it. It doesn't mean that you can't hang out with them, or love them any less, just let her know that you are in charge. Mouthing off is a stage they all go through, but you have let her know that you don't approve of it, and it is to stop right now! Set rules and limits to everything, and DON'T BUDGE!!!!!

Hi B.!
I had this problem too a few years back...my son, who is now 18 and has joined the military, had the worse case...he was a great kid--always obeyed and was very polite--it was only when we said the word "No" that he would snap into the "smart mouth" mode! Here's what we did--it works! (We also have a 15yr old and a 12 yr old and it STILL works!)Here's what we do when our children have that "smart mouth"--remember that they are testing their boundries and it is up to us to remind them where those boundries are. Anytime your child chooses to disrespect you...your authority you remind them to "check themselves" For example...let's say that a girl and her mother are having a conversation about spending the night with a friend. The conversation is going well until the mom states that the daughter may NOT go to the party and the daughter snaps into that "smart mouth" mode...here's what should happen...the mother...staying CALM-because SHE is the ROLE MODEL and the ADULT, simply states, "Check yourself--remember who you are talking to..." the daughter exhales loudly..the mother STILL staying CALM replies, "I understand that you want to go, but...(fill in your own--remember you DO NOT OWE AN EXPLAINATION--however, if you want to give one, that is clearly up to you!) The daughter continues to whine and complain and say stuff that is very hurtful--the mother--STILL CALM (yes, this is a lot of work and self restraint on the mom-but mom, your daughter is worth it--remember, she will grow up and act like you!)Staying clam the mom states, "Because you have CHOSEN (remember, everything is a choice!)to speak to me like that you can't ________ (fill in---watch t.v...etc.--give consequences for their actions--they will experience this in the REAL world--the school system practices this...) If the daughter continues, the mother CALMLY asks, "Would you like to try for two days without______?" The daughter will be furious--that's okay--as long as she doesn't say or do things that will disrespect the mother. The mother's job is NOT over however!!! The mother has to KEEP her word! She has to be consistant!!!! COnsistantancy is the key! The father must support mom too! And the other way around!! The daughter will soon learn this and think twice before "smart mouthing" again! It will take some time--it's something new and you may not have tried this before---don't give up! The child HAS to KNOW that YOU mean business! Stand firm!!! IT DOES WORK!! I only give ONE reminder--"check yourself" and then we go quickly into the "because you CHOSE to talk to me like that..." mode. My children have quickly learned to how to communicate with me in a respectful manner--even when they are mad!! It's GREAT! It's also helping them in life!
I hope that this helps you!--Just remember to STAY CALM and be CONSISTANT!!!!!
S.

I remember asking my father to divorce my mother because she was so stupid!
Ahhhh, yes, I remember it well. Daughter trying to discover who she is in society. Mother enters the "You're too stupid to live on this planet" phase of life. Been there. Several times. Want my T shirts?
It's frustrating, I know. My son was easy. The first and only time he mouthed off at me, I got right up in his face and said, "EXCUSE ME? You are talking to WHOM?" He backed up, froze, shook his head, and said, "MA! I'm BACK! The aliens came and took me away, and replaced me with an exact duplicate! I'm not responsible for anything that duplicate said!" Then we hugged, and sat down and talked about what was frustrating him. (I SAID it was easy!)
My step daughter was worse. She had her daddy suck up (lie)to if I tried to discipline her. All I ever asked her to do was to treat me the way SHE wanted to be treated. It was an up-hill battle all the way. If I said Black, she said White. we never got along unless she wanted something, or her dad was out of town. (!?!) After that divorce, and his subsequent remarriage, she used to call me all the time and complain about her new stepsister doing the same things that SHE used to do to me! I also heard that she was handling the situation the same way as I had handled her. So they ARE listening... they just aren't acting on it (right now)!
Try to be patient with her. Those mean, nasty hormones are playing havoc with her brain. Catch her in a GOOD mood. (I know that's really hard!) Have a chat with her. Be as non-aggressive as you can, and tell her that you understand that she's having a hard time becoming an adult, that it's normal, and that it doesn't HAVE to be as painful as it's been. Tell her that all you are asking is that she treat you with the respect that you deserve...and that you will continue to respect HER as an individual. Pick a non-verbal signal, such as touching your nose, to let her know when she's doing it. She probably isn't even aware of her hostility. (She said she doesn't know why, right?)
PICK YOUR BATTLES. Remember when she was 2, and raging with frustration? Same rules apply here. Don't treat her like a 2 year old, but show her the same patience and respect you did then. She's literally going through the same thing now: shedding her baby ways.
Rememeber, this too shall come to pass, with time. Some day, she'll be asking you the same questions about HER daughter, and you'll be her fountain of wisdom.
HUGS!

**I just read the other 2 posts. Listerine contains alcohol. There are alcohol-free mouthwashes that you can try, if you choose this method. (I admit to trying soap once. Hated cleaning up the puke!) But I understand the theory behind it. I'd save that for cussing...dirty words deserve to be washed out. "Smart-mouthing" just needs education.
I think it's great that the other post also quoted "this too shall pass"!! Reminds me of the prayer, "God, grant me patience...NOW!"

I too have a teenage daughter. She is 14y/o. We had always considered her a respectfull and responisble young lady since she was about 10 y/o. Then when she turned about 12-13 y/o, she CHANGED! My only response is to realize that " this too shall pass", and to remain first and foremost the parent.Let her know that you love her, but that the attitude is not needed. She also needes to know that you and her father agree that you will not accepted the smart mouth or the attitude. You must be united in this matter.

Remind her of the conmandment respect your parents. Let her know that you will enforce this. Let her know that God gave you the job of raising her and teaching her right from wrong and that you will obey God in this. This shows her that she should obey Gods word too. Forget being a friend to her be the parent. You can be a friend to her when she becomes a responsiable adult who had boundries set by her mother as a girl. Useing God word in training your children puts authorty behind it. I hope this helps. It has helped me.

Our oldest is an 11 yr old son and he has the same issues! I DON'T KNOW is no longer allowed as an answer in this house!! LOL We are just trying to be consistent in all we do, punishment, talking to him and so on... When I saw your posting I was glad we are not the only ones who are going through this but be glad your daughter isn't either. I know this phase will pass, it's so hard to keep up with the whole fad thing and who's cool and isn't. I wish you the best and hope she moves forward soon!!!

B.,the best advice i can give you is stay firm and by all means ,dont take no smartmouthing.i am the mother of a teenage daughter who is now 17 ,and she gave me hell,but i promise you i let her know who i was ,and i was not having none of the smartmouthing,because i was her mother and i demand respect,she never really disrespected me ,cause i put fear in her ,that i will not tolerate that ,and i will not tolerate her disrespecting any adults.And i believe in "SPARING THE ROD"!i AM very firm and aggresive with all my kids ,because i was very young when i had them,i was 19 with 3 kids.Thats all i have still.they are all taller than i am ,but they know i dont play. After i kept being firm with my daughter,she finally gave up,following the wrong crowd,and trying to fit in ,because she found out that she really have to only get along with me,cause she lives with me.And i told her respecting people and being a leader and not a follower will get you far in life,and people will like you better.So i hope i said something that will help you.And by the way ,my daughter told me she appreciate the way i am ,cause she know she was heading down a bad road.And she understands why i stayed on her,cause she see so many girls who dont have a mother like me and they are only getting worse.

Dear B.,
Heavenly Father gave us a very useful quote in our Bible. I'm sure you're familiar with it. It says..."Spare the rod, and spoil the child." If all else fails, like grounding and so forth, then you'll know what to do. Good luck and God bless you!

The book The Seven Steps of Highly Effective Families (Stephen Covey) is awesome- I recommend taking the time to read it!

I would sit with her after having a girl's lunch out and tell her, after you've had a good time together, that you want to talk to her about something on a serious note. Tell her she is a great kid and you are so proud of her because of XYZ. What's worrying you is that you are seeing she is behaving a bit differently, actually disrespectfully, and that really worries you. You know she is a great girl with a good head on her shoulders and you know she is capable of behaving better. Ask her what's going on in her life and how you can help because you are afraid something must be troubling her. Maybe something is and you will open a line of communication.

I think if you give her respect and tell her she is awesome and you know she has more in her than she's giving, you can get her to want to give more. You can tell her what you expect from her and then ask what it will take to behave better. Make some new rules together- when she buys in to the rules, she will follow them- and STICK TO THEM with consequences and all! The more we DEMAND respect, the more our kids will rebel and we get the opposite of what we want, OR we get it from our kids for the wrong reason (out of fear, etc.)

Be patient... the 'tween years are tough and both you and she will be learning through it!
Good luck!

Hi B.:

My name is G.. I am responding to your question regarding your 11 y/o daughter. I am a single mom with a daughter that is presently 15 now. I had he same problem with my daughter when she was between 9 and 10. I took her to the juvenile officer at the Elmore County Courthouse, I can't remember his name, but he is a young black man. He talked to my daughter about the dos and don'ts and made a believer out of her. I have never had another problem with her since then. It might take you doing something like that to have someone talk to her with a stern voice with the court system to tell her exactly how things are. The man's name started with a "W", but I can't remember exactly what it was. If you call over there at the juvenile office, they can tell you. He did a lot for my daughter, telling her different things and making her mind, talking a little rough. I was in his presence as he was doing this but she learned something. Like I said, it might be worth trying. I have never had another problem with my daughter since then. He scared her into paying attention, etc. Give him a call. I don't think that you would regret it. It worked for me.

G.

It's not only that she wants to be accepted by her peers..which is very important to her at this age...it's also the onset of puberty and her hormones are raging right now. She probably couldnt tell you what she's going to do or how she's going to act from one minute to the next. I have a 10 yr old daughter and a 13 yo daughter so I know exactly how you feel.
First try to be understanding of what shes going thru, (just as they'll have to deal with you during menopause..lol). Talk to her and let hre know that you love her and know she loves you, but that disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated and will be punished.
Make sure she knows that if she has a problem at school, with friends, with her own body, with boys, that she can come to you.
Second, When she is being disrespectful or beligerent..let her know in a calm way..give her a warning, if she doesnt stop then send her to her room..ending the conflict/discussion/argument..for the moment. Try talking to her after you have both had time to calm down. As far as punishment..this is the perfect age to switch to groundings. Keep her home on a saturday and make her do chores. Remind her that she's being punished for the disrespect, as soon as punishment is over, forget it. Dont nag, dont scream, dont hound her as she will just block you out and not hear anything your saying.
Third, be her mom first, but her friend second..take her shopping, turn on a cd that she likes and dance around the house with her, do a makeover on her-show her how to apply makeup (even if you dont let her wear it yet, it's a really bonding experience for a mom and daughter..just remind her it'll be a while b4 she can go out of the house with the make-up on) take her to see a movie that she picks out.

Just remember, mostly its hormones and if youre understanding and patient, it will eventually pass.

B., I would start off first by just sitting down and having a mother daughter talk. Maybe take her out for lunch or something fun to make her feel special. Address the issue of peer pressure and remind her that fitting in is not always healthy for her relationships with family and other. I am the second oldest of nine children. Believe me, my mom had several one on one talks about this very issue. Friends are important, but not to the extent of treating your family and others like trash. Teach her to chose her friends wisely. The real friends will be those who honor and respect their parents. Steer clear of the others. Will be praying for you.

I can offer you prayers for peace and the same for your daughter. Mine is 16 now but she has always been a good child- the crowd she hangs around with at school actually meets and prays before going in. She is her own person and doesn't mind letting everyone know. She has a will and a mind of her own and never cared if she fit in. She is a varsity cheerleader and is very different in that aspect. She is not your stereotypical cheerleader. I know it sounds like I am bragging, and maybe I am a little because God has been good to me when it comes to my children.

I recently had to have a conversation with her that I didn't want to have. I reminded her of her age. Then I asked her if she wanted to be treated as an adult, she had to show the same respect. It seemed to work for now but I know there will be more times ahead that we will have words. It is a part of growing up and turning loose of the apron strings. I wish I had a quick fix or easy answer for you. Just a lot of knee pads for praying.

My mom used the force on me, many many times. I regret I ever made her that angry with me for now she is gone and that time is precious time I will never get back. We all make mistakes and mess up, sometimes really bad, but I have always said you only have one mother. Take care of her. If this helps in any way, give God the glory, because I could never have had great children without His help.
J.

Unfortunately, I don't really have very much advice for you. Just wanted to say hello and let you know that I am going through a similar thing with my nine-year old. She has a leaning toward pessimistic view of most things and is quite sarcastic and talks back too much. After much coaxing, she is learning to look at things a little more positively. I think the change has come because of a change within myself. I have worked really hard to be optimistic and positive in her presence. I am not talking about painting a rosy picture where there isn't one. I have just learned to try to downplay the negative and play up the positive and it seems to be helping. Good luck.

I'm having the same problem.. My daughter is 12 and OMG.. She will not listen to anything. Every response has to be screamed.. I want to pop her in the mouth sometimes! She doesn't want to help around the house, but wants to go to her friends or talk on the phone all the time...
When you find out what to do, let me know please!!!!!!!!!!

My son went through something similar. Not to fit in, but just because he had a smart mouth. What seemed to work with that or any bad behavior was to take away what he liked to do most. It used to be video games and then when he got older it was the phone. Of course, not forever but as a punishment for a few days. And don't let her talk you out of it or get you to end the restriction early. If you do that then she'll think it's no big deal if you take away privileges since you can be talked out of it. When she gets tired of missing out on her favorite things a few times she might get control of the backtalk.

I can truly relate to what you are going through. My daughter is 11 and just started junior high. I can see she tried too hard to fit in witht he other kids but at home she can sometimes be too much to handle. I have talked to a doctor and this is the time where pubity starts and the hormones are running wild....lol...but this is no excuse for being disrespectful. I have had to take things away from my daugher to see that you ahve to respect everyone before you can get respect from others. If you find out any good tips pelase let me know.... Thanks

Been there... done that!! When my 10 year old or even my 15 year old gets smart with me I happily remind them who brought them in this world! You get smart with momma you get nowhere! Works in my household.

I think that she needs to be punished when she acts like this. If I were you, I'd make sure to spend some one on one time with her, too. Go out and do something fun. Maybe you can get her to talk to you about what's going on because there's probably a deeper issue here.