Daughter Not Fond of Step Father

I suggest family counseling and finding a Love and Logic class in your area. You all need to get on the same page, and you all need to work on becoming a family. Children are sensitive and if she's not fond of him, she may be picking up that HE's not fond of HER. That would not fly with me. She had no choice in putting this family together - it's up to the adults to make it work NOW so you don't have to deal with the upheaval a bad step relationship can cause.

Well, she knows enough to know those are derogatory terms and she associates them with him. She obviously is not "fond" of him! Why do you let him discipline your daughter? Don't you agree that's YOUR job?

Gosh, these are such innocent yet real questions for her. She does not know the difference between good and bad language. It doesn't matter where she learns this stuff, you just need to keep teaching her and role modeling and educating her what is right and what is not. She's going to be exposed to many undesirable circumstances in her life that you have no control over.

And this part about gently correcting her will never end....it's very hard to just turn it off one day, as is my experience with my older (22) daughter. I'm still telling what I believe to be true and beneficial.

Now, my oldest daughter was raised by a magnificent step dad who also came from a strict home, where as I did not. And it is important to understand that the human bonding process is a long and fragile one. There will be many joys and many disappointments. The biggest disappointment after 13 years of raising her, financially and psychologically supporting her, she up and left for her father's at the age of 15. It mattered not that we all knew what a loser he was. SHE had to determine that on her own. SHE had to discover that for herself. It was her journey. Not mine to command.

I state over and over on this site, that it does not matter what a great step parent is substituted in for the child. All children have a biological need starting in their teens to understand themselves, and this insight is usually gained by knowing their genes, meaning parent they are separated from.

Happy parenting!

***EDIT***
I had a personal exchange with this sweet mama...and wrote the following note to her. And then realized my private message was more apropros:

Well, you certainly made an old mama proud to be able to help and add some life long perspective.

I did not read any of the other answers to your question. Your scenario brought instant flash back to me though.

To this day I can remember asking my mom what the middle finger meant, as I had seen the boys in the neighborhood pointing it at each other and I could tell there was more to it. She slapped me in the face. I was beyond shocked and mortified by such a harsh response. I really wanted to know. She never did answer my question and the but what she did teach me was NEVER to go to her and ask for anything borderline. No mutual trust and respect in that relationship. So I understand how parents can momentarily loose their perspective. We all do, especially being a mom.

And the biggest insight into parenting I ever had was from my very own daughter. I was mad over something long forgotten now, sent her to her room, I went to mine to cool off and she gently approached me and said, "Mommy, I'm still learning. Please don't be so mad at me." I cry as I type this...such sweet innocence.

i would be very unhappy about this sort of language from a little girl and be working with her on acceptable words in my house.
but why is her stepfather allowed to be 'harsh' in disciplining her?
sounds like he might actually be a prick. tell him he needs to work out with YOU what the disciplinary measures will be from now on. and you make dang sure they're appropriate.
khairete
S.

i agree with iluvmylife in saying that the step dad should help discipline as well. i'm not married yet, but my boyfriend and i are living together. he helps discipline my daughter. and he's probably better at it than i am. we talked and agreed as to how it should happen.

as to her launguage, she's picking it up somewhere. is her daycare an in home daycare? i might try talking to her provider to see what's on tv when she's there. she could have picked it up there. also, to me it sounds innocent. she doesn't know what these words mean, so she's trying to figure it out. but i'd definately talk to her about appropriate language... good luck.

Is her father in the picture? Perhaps he's using these terms and she's only repeating what he says? I'm not too sure that she knows that these words have negative connotations. My guess is that she's heard them used about her Step-Dad from someone else and is trying to figure out what they mean.

Did she possibly get this language from him? Or, a show they watched together? (since she doesn't get it from you) Maybe, there is a show on at your parent's house? If she is not fond of him, he is probably not fond of her. What is their interaction like? Do they do things together? Play together, read together, go on outings together? Does he hug her, tells her he loves her, joke and laugh with her? SHE probably has to hug HIM and initiate, instead of the other way around. A father should initiate a relationship and affection. If not, he is most likely just tolerating her. At this age, her lack of fondness will probably stem off how he treats her. I don't even mean verbally. Body language, coldness, inability to connect. He might need some help in knowing how to connect with her. If he was from a very strict family, there was probably little affection and connection. They probably ruled with an iron fist and didn't have a true relationship with him. They could have been cold and distant. He needs help breaking the cycle.

PS. I totally agree whit the others saying he should discipline, too. Giving discipline and boundaries, is an example of love. You and your husband should work out your differences and find ways to discipline together, on the same page. She needs structure, from him to. She will learn respect, admiration, and love from positive discipline.