How Did You Accept or Walk Away from the Step Parenting Role?

Erin T's response is one of the best answers I have read on Mamapedia in a LONG time. Please take her words to heart.

I am not a step parent, but I was a step child. I feel like it may help if you know how the child on the other end may be feeling. My stepmother did not care for me much. I was 7 years old when she and my father married, and she was not shy in showing she did not want to have much to do with me. She was not mean, or abusive - nothing to that effect. She was simply indifferent. She never made and effort to speak with me, and when I would try to talk to her, I would get one word answers and not much else. I remember crying in my bedroom at night wondering what I did to make this woman hate me so much. I was a good girl, always well behaved and polite. I would try to talk to my father, and he would do his best to convince me that she really did care about me, but she did not know how to show it. I believed him, but for the next 10 years of their marriage, nothing ever changed. They eventually divorced, and my father, who I have never seen cry in my entire life, tearfully apologized to me years later for the way she treated me. Apparently, she apologized to him shortly before the divorce and acknowledged her behavior. I think he always knew she could never love me, but desperately wanted to believe she could. In the end it tore up their marriage. She has since spoken to me in my adult life and apologized, and I am very grateful to her for that.

I don't know if that helped you at all, but I hope that you will think of the child you may be hurting. I am not judging you by any means. In fact, I admire you for being able to admit your feelings. Most people would be ashamed to talk about what you are feeling, and then bottling it all in. That never ends well - usually with some sort of emotional explosion. I believe that your whole family may need to enter some sort of family counseling. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to be with him, you must know that his child comes with him. You can't just choose to love him and simply "put up with" his child. Try stepping outside your relationship and looking at it from an outsider's prospective. Ask yourself if you see this relationship continuing into the distant future. It sounds to me like you may not see it that way.

As far as your first parenting experience being taken from you, that is a choice you are making for yourself. You are definitely in an unconventional situation, so your parenting experience is going to be unconventional as well. Try not to look at it in a negative light - you still are a mother, and still get to be a parent to a beautiful little girl. If you truly love your boyfriend, don't punish his daughter for being just that - HIS daughter. She is an innocent child that can't control how she was brought into the world. I know that love can't be forced, and if you truly don't feel love for this little girl, could you at least try to form some sort of bond with her for your daughter's sake? That is her sister and she is always going to have a relationship with her.

I am very sorry for what you are going through - it sounds like an emotional nightmare. Please just try to consider the children in this case - they are the truly innocent victims.

I'm sorry but I feel bad for both kids. You knew he was expecting and stayed w/ him anyway. You then got pregnant by him, knowing he had another child out there. If you didn't already have your daughter I would tell you to leave now before you hurt this child more (withholding love and affection). But then you'd be taking your daughter away from her dad. I think you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself how you would like it if he left you and your daughter's new step mom treated your daughter the way you are treating her sister.

I've been a stepparent for almost 25 years. I, and my husband, even offered to take in his ex-wife's next two children from her second marriage, because they were being neglected during an ugly divorce. We took in a foster son for 6 months because his parents were at the end of their rope with his teenage issues. I now have a wonderful 8 year-old daughter, and three beautiful (step) grandchildren.

Love doesn't have a limit. You have endless love to give any number of children if you choose to. You need to look at your reasons you are feeling unwilling to love this girl, who's existence you knew about from the very beginning, and who appears to need all the adult attention she can get.

I want you to know that I am not judging you...this is a hard situation. But you asked for opinions so I have to say you have GOT to look through your step-daughter's eyes on this one and be a bigger person. You have to. This little girl's WHOLE life and how she views herself depends on the choices you make in this situation. The sad facts are, no one loves her. No one wanted her. And it is not her fault. But the more she senses that no one loves her, the more her behaviors will make her unlovable. This sweet, sweet baby needs you. She needs you to be her mom. And it might not be what you want, and you may not feel it is best for your child, but it is the only viable option in this situation. And the truth is, it is what is best for your child too...to see her mother loving her sister with an equal fervor. I have a sister-in-law who loves one child over another and now that they are older (almost grown) they both hate her for it. Because they see it for the wrong that it is. (Although the "favored" child will definitely exploit it to his own benefit at the same time that he hates her for it.) It is hard. The role of step-parent is hard. But you have been in her life since before she was born, and your loving her is not going to take love away from your biological daughter. Love, when you let it, grows in your heart. It expands and grows. You need to stop thinking of her as the other child. You need to take possession and start thinking of her as yours. It won't be easy, but it is doable and it is right. If you can't do this, then I think the honorable thing to do would be to leave. Because staying in this situation and not loving this little girl unconditionally is damaging her. It could even destroy her.

Good luck.

I am not a step parent, so I don't have specific situations to help you. However, it sounds like counseling would be a great help to you. How you are treating this child is cruel and I hope you do something to change your behavior.

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Hi, N..
My brother and I were forced to live in a household with a stepmother who did not want us. It was incredibly damaging to us. It was awful. It was ugly. It was destructive. What we had to endure was unforgivable. What you are describing is very difficult for me to read. It brings it all back. Thank you for being honest and admitting the truth about how you really feel. Thank you for carefully considering your situation. Please do some soul-searching to determine if you can find it in your heart to love this child and embrace her. She needs you if you can truly be there for her. You have the opportunity to make a wonderful difference in the life of this beautiful child. She has so much to offer you in return for your care. The benefits of a positive healthy relationship are endless for this child, you, your daughter and your boyfriend. You are in a position to shape this little girl's life in a powerful way. You chose to share your time, to share yourself and to share your life with this little girl's father. You chose to love him. She is a part of him. You are an adult with the ability to make choices for yourself. This little girl can't. You have to be open and honest with yourself and your boyfriend. You cannot continue to share a home under these circumstances. The two of you must put the children first and do what is best for them. Best wishes.

You can not step away from a child just because you did not get birth to her. You knew when you got with this man that he was expecting another child. Though in my case I would worry that he would have jumped from you that easily after becoming pregnant. Those 2 children are sisters. What would have happened had you had twins? because from as close in age they could be twins. My husband spends just as much time with my oldest< his stepdaughter> as he does with the 3 we have together.I say try to love both children equally

You are looking at this Child as a chore. You resent her because you think she detracts from your relationship from your bological child. Try looking at this situation as an opportunity. An opportunity to raise your daughter's second strongest influence next to you.... this is your daughter's SISTER. They are close in age, and will likely be in school together, grow up together. With any luck they will both outlive you... so they will be in each other's life longer than you will be. The best gift you could Ever give your daughter is an example of a mother who is loving and kind, and welcoming to her sister.

If they are raised close and loving, you have the opportunity to raise your daughter's best friend... how many parents of teenagers would LOVE that opportunity?? You have the opportunity to instill the values and morals that will influence both these little girls.

If, however, you continue to shun her and treat her like she is an intruder in your life, your daughter WILL treat her the same way... imagine Cinderella... really... do you want to look back and know you caused an innocent child spiteful pain... and cost your daughter a Valuable resourse when you are gone.

You knew this child was going to be in the picture. You chose to continue in the relationship. Step up. Do the right thing and you will be blessed. If you put yourself out there to love, it multiplies to fill all voids. These girls are BOTH already your daughters... one by genetics, one by choice (you already made... now honor it).

I agree 100% with Vicki S.

If you can't find it in yourself to love this child, then you need to leave. You are the only mother she knows, and for you to not love her and to stay would be just awful for her, you and your daughter.

I think you do need to sit down with a counselor and try to work through some of this stuff.... I do completely understand your feelings, but you are the adult, and the other child is literally a helpless child. You CAN choose to love. And if you can't then you probably shouldn't stay in the relationship with the boyfriend & other child. Because it is a package deal.

Good luck in this struggle.

I think this would be really tough. But I think you need to think of it from the children's perspective as you are an adult and can chose to stay in this situation or leave it. The kids can't choose. Neither little girl chose her parents and it is not fair to show favoritism to one of them. Of course no-one treats kids identically but they should be treated no differently than if for example one was your older daughter and one was the younger on. Your SO should be contributing 50:50 to the care of both children. If not, you need to talk to him about that. If you do not think you can love the second child like your own, perhaps you should consider ending the relationship. Of course, you would then need to work out some sort of custody arrangement with your SO but it would not need to involve the other little girl.

I really like Erin T.'s answer but wanted to add a few things.
I consiously made a choice not to be a step parent but it was before I got married. If a guy had children - it was a deal breaker for me. It was very tough at the time, had to leave many great guys behind, but I never regreted it. I am not very fond of children in general. I only love my own, so I understand completely how you feel.
You are in the cituation now when you are all already connected by blood lines. Your daughter is his daughter and the other girl is your daughter's sister and will be for the rest of your lives.
Very tough. My suggestion is for you to try to get to know the little girl more...tell the H not to be pushy but make time when you feel ready and happy to give your time to her (to make that experience a positive one) you will find something to like about her... kids are very lovable and sweet.... and just build on it more and more... I hope the ice will break. When you are a mother now (I changed a lot since becoming a mother as well and became very tolerant towards other children) I am sure you will find a soft spot in your heart for her, especialy she doesn't have a mom in a picture. You are holding a lemon - try to make a lemonade. Otherwise, I think your marriage is headed for trouble.
All the best to you and your family.

hello i totaly feel where you are coming from, but also symathize with the step child. When you become a part of a childs life trough a marriage you have to do it with your whole heart. Remember your husbands blood runs tru both of those precious children and if you love him and your child you must love the other child equaly.Your husband depends on you to be a mother to both his children no-matter if only one is yours. He expects that if you love him you must surely love his child. Im sure you do, but i know that you feel your being cheated of being a first time mother, where you pictured giving your child your undying affection and attention. Its alot to put on a person, but if your strong enough to love not just one but two children!!! then my dear you'll know that you can have more children and love them too. Children are blessings from god love them all, and they will always love you ;]] godbless

Ditto, Erin T. Read, and re-read her response.

My only question to you is, why is it so hard for you to just love that little girl? Why not just embrace her as a part of you life, love her for being your daughter's sister and an innocent child?

I know you can't 'force' love, but I guess I just have a hard time understanding why you have such a hard time loving and accepting her.