R.,
Should you be concerned? Yes,definately and always . But concern is NOT the same thing as suspicion.
I have a 47 y.o. son who absolutely adores his 3 y.o. nephew and spends an enormous amount of time with him. Carries him around on his shoulders hours on end, takes him out to the fields to pick berries and chase butterflies, took him to a county fair last week.
I can see from my son that the child , in his heart, is the son he thinks he will never have.
I had a great uncle (died a bachelor) who babysat myself and my brothers, ( did the diaper thingy and all, in the nineteen and forties then) He was very affectionate, always hugging and kissing all of us and even when we were teens, same thing. He babysat my small son occasionally as well, in the nineteen and sixties. In his heart, we were the children he never had.
Not every childless bachelor who loves children is a child molester.
These bachelor uncles and spinster aunts can really dote on their nieces and nephews. And the chilren are blessed to have any sort of extended family who loves them that much these days of shattered families. As are the childless aunts and uncles blessed to have these children to pour their love upon.
Remember the biggest percentage of pedophiles originates with them being molested themselves. Was anyone in your husbands family molested by family members? Or by anyone else outside and close to the family? Does your husband base his thoughts on experience. Ask him. Watch his eyes when he answers.
That being said, the possibility exists. It always exists.
And you cannot be too careful these days.
As a mother of seven and grandmother of 14, and greatgrammie of one, I should think when the eight year old thinks he is too old for hugs and kisses he will simply say so and accept a hug or hair ruffling instead. Usually around age 11 that happens.
You should ask your son if anyone has ever touched him inapporpriately. NOT naming any names but using a general question.
At the same time using the moment to teach him it is not ok and not right for anyone to touch his body in a way that is private or makes him uncomfortable and he should tell you or his dad if that ever happens to him. When you tell him this also tell him you know it would be very hard for him to come to you with such things but it is very important that he does.
I repeat, DO NOT using the Uncle's name and do NOT say, someone like his uncle) as that would , perhaps, cause the child to become defensive and secretive besides perhaps casting aspersions on an innocent loving uncle and a beautiful loving relationship.
I do believe you would see "signs" if there were anything going on . You would see behavioral changes in your eight year old. Acting out, changes in sleep patterns, eating patterns,wetting the bed maybe, if he does not previously. The way he interacts with his 20 month old brother. Even you and his dad. And most significantly, he would want to avoid his uncle. Would run to his room when he came, would not want to be with him alone, ect.
Could your husband be a teensy bit jealous that his brother has the time to spend with his boys that he doesnt have? Buys them things that he, himself, cannot afford ? Does he find it difficult to express affection to the boys? Does he have a preset notion that the eight year old should be "manning up" at that age? How does your husband feel about his brother? How is their relationship?
Ask him. Ask him if his suspicions maybe have some sort of origin.
Relationships can become very complicated.
You are never wrong for being concerned about your son's welfare in that regard. Little boys are molested as often as little girls are and its mostly up to Mum's to be very , very careful to keep them safe from the possibility.
That being said, would it not be a horrible shame to destroy a loving relationship with a beloved uncle based on suspicion?
Children are sorta like themometers ..its been my experience in 63 years of child raising, started with three younger siblings at nine years old..that when something is amiss, you would see the mercury rise right away.
Have a talk with your oldest, always keep the lines of communication open so he can feel comfortable talking with you about such (and every) subject. I think it would be wrong to summarily dismiss your husband's feelings on this subject without a bit of "investigation". You know your son, oftimes Mum can tell more from what a child does not say than from what they do say.
Open communication is extremely important in raising children, perhaps one of the most important things you can do. Talk to each child every day especially discussing feelings. With seven children I took the time for each one privately every day even if for just a few minutes. Kids need to know you are accessible and listening to THEM exclusively. They need to know they need not be afraid to tell you anything they are feeling.
The western culture is the only one in the world where men do NOT hug and kiss each other as a matter of course. Tho this seems to be slowly changing.
But make haste slowly and do not destroy a precious innocent relationship with uncle/nephews summarily based on suspicion.
Blessings,
Grandmother Lowell