Hi Moms,
I have a long-time friendship that has cooled over the last several years. I'm not sure what brought on the "cooling", however, I have had my feelings hurt by this friend several times over various issues over the years. We've known one another for a long time and I feel like she's taken our friendship for granted on several occasions.
Anyway, we have always exchanged birthday/holiday gifts and when children arrived, we then also exchanged gifts for the kids. Last year I sent off a large package filled w/ cool gifts for her kids -- and received nothing in return for our children. Yeah, yeah, I know one shouldn't "expect" gifts, but when the tradition is started ... Anyhow, weeks passed after I sent their Christmas package and I didn't hear a word if it even arrived. This has become common place with this friend. No thank you, unless I specifically ask, "Oh, did the package that I sent for the kids arrive?" or "Hey, did you receive the birthday gift I sent you??" I'm big on acknowledging gifts and saying thank you, that's just how I was raised. But I also wanted to know if it got lost in the holiday shuffle at the post office! Also, if she sends gifts, they are weeks to months late which if I'm honest, makes me feel like I/we really don't matter. Hey, I know she's "busy" but we're ALL busy!!
About four months after last Christmas (and about the time she must have realized that I didn't send one of her children a bday gift) she contacted me and apologized for forgetting my kids Christmas gifts and wanting to know what they would like. Of course I said "Oh, don't worry about it. And let's just make it easier on ourselves and start forgoing gifts for everyone. Times are tight for us over here ." (indeed they were at that time) We agreed on that.
Fast forward a few other lack of sensitivity issues w/ this same friend and I'm kind of over it. She's a longtime friend so I'm sure we'll always stay in touch, but I honestly don't consider her a close friend anymore because of her total self-involvement -- and her making me feel like our friendship isn't important (and this isn't just over "gifts" but I don't want to go into details this is already long enough).
So now she's asking what would the kids like for Christmas? How do I respond? I'm done w/ gift-giving for this friend, she's just thoroughly hurt my feelings over and over. I kind of assumed that when I told her I'd like to forgo future gifts that means ALL gifts. What do I say?
Isn't it so funny that sometimes you're so close to a situation that the simplest answer totally eludes you! Of course! Just remind her that we agreed to forgo gifts going forward -- duh! Short and sweet. Thanks, moms, I knew you'd help my holiday-befuddled mind figure this out :)
Just tell her that you are not able to give gifts outside of the immediate family this year and if she would like to do anything for the kids a donation in thier name to a children based or homeless based (mean the most to me) charity would be the best gift as we are teaching the children the act of giving and this is what we are suggesting this year.
You don't need to go into a big explanation. Just say, "We're not giving gifts to anybody but immediate family. Please just send a card with a cute photo so I can see how big the kids have gotten." You may need to "remind" her of this around birthdays, too.
On the other hand, please realize that some people are just scattered, and were NOT brought up writing thank you notes. She's like this with everybody, not just you. Don't take it too personally.
I would remind her that you agreed to "no gifts" at the holidays and for birtdays and see if se would like to get together with the kids instead. If she's far away (you don't mention), I would just send a Christmas card with pictures and leave it at that.
It sounds like you have out-grown eachother and it may be time to just let the relationship fade to occassional email updates and a Christmas card.
Just remind her that you already agreed not to do gifts as you stated 4 mos after last Christmas you had that convo.
"I appreciate the request for what the kids might want for Christmas this year, but seriously, as we talked about last April, it's just not in the cards anymore... I will be sending you a card tho with some pictures and we'll be happy with the same from you!"
That should cover it.
Simply remind her of the agreement you came to earlier in the year.
My response would be "Why don't we just skip gifts for the kids this year?", in a matter of fact kind of way.
Then, I would just distance myself from her. It's clear that she's "just not that into you" anymore, so I would just return the level of interest. I have this exact same situation going on with a friend of mine for 20+yrs.
I just decided to stop stressing and return the level of courtesy that she extends me. Not meant to be petty, just meant to reduce stress, since I'm the only one stressing over it! It's worked well.
We stay in touch, but I no longer expect anything from her and vice versa.
Part of any good friendship is being able to be completely honest with each other. You know, the kind of friend that tells you when you have spinach in your teeth or you got a bad haircut? Well, if she was ever that kind of friend, tell her what you just told us! Let her know that some things have hurt you! If you want to cool your friendship, that's okay, but don't do it without being completely honest about why you feel the need to do so. I think sometimes we take the people we care about most for granted, as she seems to have done with you. Tell her how you feel. If you say, "Oh, that's okay." when she hurts your feelings she may never take the hint and try to fix it! Go back and revisit what made you friends in the first place, if there is still some part of that there, build on it. If there isn't, then it might be time to see if you have anything new in your lives that can sustain a friendship. People grow apart sometimes, but solid roots hold tight.
Good luck. I know this is a sad and frustrating thing for you.
Christi :)
I would tell remind her of exactly what you said in April. Just let her know that you were honest in saying that you don't want to do gifts anymore. Explain that financially it's cheaper not to, and that since everyone is so busy, it saves both of you the time as well. I don't think I would ever get upset over someone saying no more gifts...it would be a relief to me! Plus, not to sound ridiculous, but what if she asks so you buy her children gifts, but, again, doesn't send yours any? You would be even more upset with the situation, and it could possibly permanently end the friendship. Good luck!
Without getting into all the hurts and insensitivity that have added up over the time you've known each other, I would just tell your friend that you've decided to give gifts to immediate family only FROM NOW ON. I don't think you even need to give a reason.
Thanks for posting an update. I just read this and thought I wonder if it is x. I hope you won't have your feelings hurt with this friend now that you are clear. It is hard when a friend seems to not be such a good friend.
Hi,
I think she is feeling guilty and trying to reel you in again. If you talk to her on the phone and she asks you can say---I've notice the past few years that you haven't really been into sending gifts etc. I thought you weren't interested! Be honest and tell her that there are numerous times when you have sent gifts and haven't heard anything from her. It's not the fact that she doesn't reciprocate with a gift, but the acknowledgement is what bothers you. See where this leads......If this friendship is going to survive, you are going to have to get back to basics and be honest--I know its painful but you need to do it or you will have a fake relationship or one way on your end. If she seems receptive and apologetic, you could decide if you want to do gifts or not. If you still don't, then just say that its not going to work out this year to send gifts. You will know at the end of the convo if she is a friend that is really invested or if she will just give up and blame you for everything. Good luck----
M
Toxic friendship. Be polite and tell her again there will be no exchange of gifts. If it is in your heart to just send a card do that but if it isn't then just let her and this friendship go.
I lost a friend no too long ago. I don't even know what happened but I do know it has been a personally painful process. I value my friends so much and we had been friends for 20 years.
But some friends are only in your life for a season. Even if that season is xx years long some friendships won't last forever and you just have to learn how to be okay with that.
I think it would be wise to sit down and write out a good long email or letter to her about how you feel and why. I think your friendship deserves that much. Be honest and make sure you write it and wait a few days and reread it a few times to make sure it's how you want to say it. And of course expect nothing but always remain hopeful. I thinks it's only fair for you to say your peace about how she hurt you before walking away.
C.
who says that you have to respond to her request. If you do respond I would just repeat what you have already told her........times are tough for everyone and this year we have chosen not to exchange gifts. This "friendship" jas been long over and really only one sided
You both agreed to not do gifts anymore so just stick with it. Life is too short to have someone like this so predominant in your life. Not doing gifts is a perfect way to really start distancing her in your life. I wouldn't say you have to drop her out of your life totally but there is obviously something going on w/ her and your friendship. You don't need negativity and drama in your life. Don't have people like this be close friends b/c it will impact your daily life in a bad way.
well u could tell her what the kids would like, and see if she sends anything and send yours late.. l bet her kids look forward to your gifts and now she's bummed she was so flakey about your children.. and u can show her what its like to send presents ...get no thank you and nothing in return for months later..and if she says anything just say.."oh well i thought you'd be ok w/ that b/c of how you handled the gift giving in the past...which is passive aggressive but could teach her a lesson..or u can just not answer her question..or..u can simply say..."oh lets skip presents this year"
l would say "hey l thought we agreed no more gifts" say why don't we just get our kids things and say its from the other..KWlM? OR...u can send gifts again and see if she has changed her ways..perhaps she realizes she's been a jerk and wants to make it up to you..but if you feel strongly about it ...just say.."no gifts this year but thanx for asking"
dd
So sad. Hurt feelings need time to heal. However, if she has not bee made aware of your hurt feelings then she can only "try" to figure things out too. Some poeple are worse than others about being selfish with their time and you are not one of them..she might be. If you love her (which you do because you care enough to worry about how to respond) try to be honest but not brutal... :) It may get tough because with our honest discussions sometimes it becomes emotional. Maybe write her a quick email card..or get a sweet Hallmark and mail it. Mail one to her children from yours and one to her. Cards are nice and old fashioned and may make for a better and new tradition that will allow for sharing feelings at special times and leave the presents to the past..they seem to have a not so great memory link at this time...
good luck and you are kind to continue to try so be kind to yourself and don't let go completely or too quickly..
:)
Hello, If you want to cut the connection all the way, just tell her that due to the economy, you won't be exchanging gifts anymore. That should do it.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.
